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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think either I'm a shit parent or young children suck the joy out of everything?

143 replies

Podsandpeas1 · 03/10/2015 12:48

Long sorry ...
Just had another trip out with the DC end in tears Hmm

DC are 5 and 3 . I took them out for breakfast to their favourite place this morning . No problems until we went to the toilets after.

Just general messing about , touching things and not listening whilst I'm trying to help each of them get sorted / hands washed etc.

Then we went to the park and this is where it got frustrating .

I was pushing both dds on the swings - there wasn't much enjoyment from any of us as they just kept whining to go higher / push me / not like that / do it this way / you missed me. Every bloody second .

Needless to say I got frustrated and told them one more go each and tried to show them how to swing themselves .

Oldest dd went in a huff , refused to try and said she wanted to go home and that she wished daddy was here Hmm (DH is away with work) . This is typical of her - huffs when she doesn't get what she wants , when she wants it and then turning mean.

I told her to stop spoiling stuff and she had hurt my feelings .

Both dds eventually managed to get themselves in to a game and played nicely together for all of five minutes !

I then had to police the taking of turns on the slide .

I also had to push them on the roundabout - I wasn't allowed to sit on it though - I had to stand and push them Hmm

We eventually have another go on the swings before we go home - more push me push me! . I gave them clear warnings when there was 5 minutes , 1 minute left etc.

Time to go and dd2 refuses to get off the swing . Tries to negotiate extra time and is clinging on. I tell her I'm going to pick her up and literally have to drag her off the swing Hmm

Obviously , now we are in tantrum mode and she sits on the floor refusing to move unless I carry her to the car - which is just a few metres away ! . I can't carry her as I have back problems so I say, ok I'm off to the car and turn my back on her .

She screams "I hate you" and cries and screams back to the car - giving the whole park some entertainment.

FFS ANOTHER attempt at trying to do something nice with them turns to shit .

I feel like all I'm doing is telling them NOT to do stuff - I was hoping the park would be a place for them to just run around and let off steam .

Would you have stood and pushed them over and over on the swings ? Was I being mean for not doing as they want the whole time ?

Surely in a small playground , they don't need me to helicopter them by now ?

This kind of thing happens all the time . I hate swings because of this very reason Angry

OP posts:
TheImminentGin · 03/10/2015 13:43

sprocketmx thank you for 'burl' I haven't heard that in years.

I too hated the park years. Only improved slightly when I could sit and read a book but then you do still have to keep making sure they haven't seriously injured themselves (guilt, guilt, parental fears, bugger) I would suggest you work out a less stressful activity if possible. You do not have to go to the park.

VoodooLooloo · 03/10/2015 13:46

Pushing on the swings is part of life (park life Grin). Mine are older now but I always told them, five more pushes, three more, two more etc then I went to sit on my bum and watched.
As for not being allowed to sit on the roundabout.. You're the grown up!
We have huge park near us. For ages we just scooted/ran/biked around as the actual playground drove me mad with the lack of turn taking and the rude kid pushing mine over etc etc. Is that an option?! A walk in the woods or a scoot in the parkland? Maybe we're lucky but we didn't have to actually go near the swings unless we wanted the swings iyswim? Not even visible until you climb over the hill.

As for being a shit parent.. Nope you're not, if y were y wouldn't care about these things and you certainly wouldn't be posting on here about it!

Have a relaxing afternoon. Dvd and popcorn sounds good SmileThanks

TattyDevine · 03/10/2015 13:50

Its a bit of a shit age to be honest. I found the same sort of "why do I even bother" dark cloud at times.

Its better when you have about a 6 and 8 year old. In my experience anyway. Unless they fight all the time in which case it will only improve marginally Grin

So it is about to get easier. Honest.

I hate swings too...makes me feel sort of head-sick pushing them, like I'm on a boat or something. Worse than if I was on the swing. So I've always said "nope not pushing you sorry" and my daughter developed a way of getting 9 year old girls to push her somehow Grin

ppeatfruit · 03/10/2015 13:52

But sitting on roundabouts is for children, the signs stipulate age limits don't they?

Bakeoffcake · 03/10/2015 13:53

Why are you letting your DC tell you what to do?

If mine had said you're not allowed on the roundabout I'd have got on it and said "Mummy wants to go on the roundabout, come on this is fun" and just got on with it.

If you want to sit down, push them for a few minutes then go and sit down and ignore their moaning. Say something like "it's such a shame you're not enjoying the park, maybe we won't come again if you don't like it" see how they react.

If you let them tell you what to do they are in control not you, and they know it!

sproketmx · 03/10/2015 13:59

I just put them in the swing and give one big push, they learn by kicking their legs to keep it going. Usually in temper that I'm not pushing again but they figure it out. I'm a bit of a 'free ranger' though. At 4 they're usually on the big swings so my I'm put is not needed and I'm highly uncool if I try to join in. How are they at making friends? Do they play with other kids in the park?

Drmum123 · 03/10/2015 14:13

Hey

Sounds like you had a rubbish time! It is always disheartening when you try and do something nice for them and it all goes wrong! I used to do this alot when my eldest son was little. I would have these grand expectations of a day out and then get upset when he would play up. Anyhow am now on my third and things are a bit better. I read a positive parenting book and it helped me so much. My three now just get loads of praise. You can praise anything. "goodness me aren't you going high on the swings ". "aren't you guys playing lovely together. Well done "....,even "you calmed down from that tantrum really well". They respond brilliantly. But also it makes you positive and at the end of the day you remember the good stuff and not the bad. You might find that even if the events are exactly the same - you feel better about them. obviously need appropriate discipline and such as well, but you do need it alot less!

It does sound a bit fake and American at first, but hey whatever works. I have been at the park before and had other children come over to me and say "did you see I did good waiting for the slide too?"... They all seem to love it.

ppeatfruit · 03/10/2015 14:17

Bakeoffcake I've looked after many dcs professionally and my own, I always consult them in a respectful way. Then they respect me back.

Why should they be treated in an unkind way, to be controlled, just because they're children? It' doesn't make the adult any more clever to treat them in that humiliating way.

wasonthelist · 03/10/2015 14:20

YABU to offer only these tow options as the answer. Sometimes I'm a shit parent, and sometimes DD does seem to be a machine for removing joy for anything and everything, and sometimes the worst happens and those two happen together, but not always.

I think you're buying that Holywood/TV dream of everything being lovely all the time - real life isn't like that, but it doesn't make you or your kids evil.

Flowers
hebihebi · 03/10/2015 14:21

I agree with the positive parenting stuff. Instead of saying that it's time to go home I tell them something fun like lets go home and watch some cartoons while mummy makes dinner, it's pasta tonight! Yay! This has my kids practically running to the car. I also don't get much peace at the park but sometimes it's good to leave them to sort out squabbles by themselves.

unlucky83 · 03/10/2015 14:30

Flowers OP
Totally sympathise. I used to take DD1 (when an only and I worked full time) out 'somewhere fun' on a Sat - usually involved at least one tantrum somewhere along the line...then on Sun I used to clean the house etc. DD1 used to run around after me making a mess Sad then I felt I had to take her out somewhere as she couldn't be in all day - so I would take her to the local park for half an hour a 10-15 min walk away - either pushing her on trike or on her scooter. She would decide she wanted carrying at some point both ways - I would end up dragging her along whilst carrying the scooter/pushing the trike (which would never go in a straight blinking line) -or trying to carry her and the 'vehicle'. At the park it would be push me on the roundabout, push me on the swings, bounce me on the see-saw etc etc ... I fucking hated it! (I remember being knackered and pushing her on the swing - with a fake smile on my face - on every push in my head going I-fucking- hate- this- I fucking -hate- this - sometimes feeling like crying - always feeling like a shit parent!)
I learned to let it go and to let them do nothing but hang around the house sometimes...and be honest - that you have had enough and if they want to keep swinging they have to learn to do it themselves!

spanisharmada · 03/10/2015 14:32

I think telling them they were spoiling stuff and had hurt your feelings was a bad idea.
At 3 and 5 its not unreasonable for them to need some input at the park. If you don't want to have to push them on swings etc you'd be better of trying to find a park with just a climbing frame if possible.
I wouldn't over see them taking turns on the slide either, I tell mine to agree it amongst themselves, if they can't, no one gets to do it. But I have a fear of still being required to sort out sibling rows in 30 yrs time like my mum

JennyTails · 03/10/2015 14:48

Totally feel your pain, OP.

My kids aren't nicknamed the Funsucker General and Lady Whinge McWhingerson for nothing...

hiddenhome2 · 03/10/2015 15:04

Little kids are such stress heads and will whinge and angst over everything. It gets easier as they get older and you can have a reasonably rational conversation.

bigTillyMint · 03/10/2015 15:07

YABU. It's teens that sick the joy out of everything.

Well someAngry

ppeatfruit · 03/10/2015 15:08

Yes spanisharmada A lot of it is down to sibling rivalry IMO and E. Which you can deal with by being scrupulously fair with them. The 2 year gap is not an easy one.

Also maybe they miss their parents in the week and get their own back Grin

Stanky · 03/10/2015 15:24

We tried to go out for a nice family meal earlier this week, and ended up going home, wondering why we'd bothered. They took it in turns to whinge and whine the entire time. I daren't take them to Disney world. I'm sure that we'd save for ages and pay out a fortune, just for them to moan the whole time.

WeirdCatLadySaysFuckOffJeffrey · 03/10/2015 15:26

OP, I think you need to remember that YOU are in charge, not the DC.

DONT push on the swings, they will soon learn how to do it.
DONT push the roundabout, they are perfectly capable of doing it themselves.

Whining or refusing to do something? One warning.
Still whining or refusing? Right, we will go home then. No negotiation, YOU are the adult, it's time to start taking charge.

dementedma · 03/10/2015 15:30

I freely admit to being a shit parent. I did all the stuff when dds were small - park, dance, swimming, arts and crafts, walks, shows, games ,dressing up - and I found all of it mind numbingly dull. So much better when they get older and can do their own thing. There are still things to be done and parenting - dd1 needs to be taken to the airport at 4.30 am this week and dd2 needs support with university, but hell its better than playing with whiny little ones all day.

Bubbletree4 · 03/10/2015 15:32

I hate parks. I got a double swing and slide set into my garden (only just!) and no more fucking park trips for me.

Snossidge · 03/10/2015 15:33

I let my 3 and 5 year olds get on with it at the park, and no they have never got hit by a swing and ended up in hospital or ran away. In fact they know they aren't allowed to leave the playground and if they did I'd be both baffled and very cross.

If I did push them on the swings and there was any whining or complaining I'd stop.

A 3 and 5 year old can play without direct supervision at a children's playground.

Narp · 03/10/2015 15:34

It's really really hard when they are little. I remember it well

But I think it helps to remind yourself that none of what they do is to piss you off, and that it's not their job (at this age) to make you happy. I think if you are telling them, fairly often, that they've upset you, then maybe you need to consider whether you need more help, support, or even whether you might be depressed.

Is there anything else going on in your life that's making you feel unfulfilled, upset, or unsupported? If so, you might need to address this

As for the parenting bit, it sounds you are in a negative spiral where they pick up on your frustration . It does get easier as they get older, but in the meantime, they can't do much to change things, but you can try.

I found it really useful to think and read a bit. The books I found most helpful were:

Little Angels
How To Talk so Kids will Listen
Playful Parenting

The endless patience needed for them at this age wears you down. You need time to re-charge.

OutToGetYou · 03/10/2015 15:37

You'll miss this when they're teenagers.

Narp · 03/10/2015 15:39

Out

Mine are teenagers and I don't miss it one.little.bit. I'd give you ten threenagers for a teenager any day.

ExBallerina · 03/10/2015 15:43

You're not a shit parent. This age is hard.

I'm so done trying to make my kid's childhood magical.

I just tell her it's her trip to the park, so she better go have some fun. If she doesn't, oh well, that's a shame.

Luckily, we often see neighbours out as well. So they play and we parents sit back.

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