AIBU to not want to sell father's house?

[deeedeee]

My father died this last year and left his house and everything ( his estate) equally to me and my two siblings. One of these siblings wants to clear and sell the house now, the other two don't want to. The sibling who wants to sell is the executor of the will. Does anyone have any experience of this kind of situation? How would we go about buying the third sibling out? is it a good idea? what else could be done?

Deedee make sure you ask. There should be some estate accounts

I also had counselling 6 weeks after losing my DP to a sudden death at 36 years old.

Google bereavement counselling, there are amazing and free counsellors out there. I have moved house twice since losing K and have not found any problem finding counselling (had a session this morning) I cannot point you in any particular direction as first one was recommended by a friend, second was attached to a funeral home and the one I attend now for private and group meetings is affiliated with the local Catholic Church, although there is no talk of God or prayer. The counselling team believe but understand that even the most religious persons lose their faith at the loss of a loved one.

Do try to find something, it really does help even if you don't say much. What I will say is find the right counsellor, the first two (at the first centre) were not right for me but third was fantastic and we are still in e-mail contact 2 years on.

deeedeee, I had to go through all my father's papers, bank accounts, credit card statements, investments etc in order to do a tax return for him after he died It was the worst thing I've ever had to do, I actually felt grubby going through his things. He had been such a private man all his life - none of us siblings had any idea how much money he had. In fact, last week I found another wodge - tucked away in some obscure investment account. It's a horrible business winding up someone's estate.

I do think you and your siblings need to sit down and chat about this - and keep it amicable - your sibling should be able to tell you a rough estimate of the estate - I have told my siblings roughly what the value of our dad's estate is.

The saving grace is that I have fabulous siblings, and there haven't been any arguments about anything. We have all tripped over ourselves to be reasonable and considerate to each other.

Thanks under the greenwood tree, really really helpful. Hopefully we three will manage to. Although I'm scared of being a little in the middle as my siblings positions are polar opposites and we are all very different. I'm also the youngest by a big margin, so despite being an adult now, am treated as a child. I want to be part of this process. I want my opinion to count. I don't want things to be done without my consent.
We actually have a meeting planned later today to talk about this, partly my reason for asking for advice. Called by executor sibling who wants to get things moving, Any perspectives on how to deal with the meeting? Love my siblings lots, scared of emotions running high and feeling rushed into a process that I 'm not ready for

Thanks calliard. X

Use this meeting to ask about your DFs assets other than the house. Did he leave details in the will? Has executor sibling found his bankbooks ect? Ask to agree on a timescale.

I cleared out my mums house by myself, and sorted all paperwork, including all funeral bills...siblings weren't involved. They never asked what I did with any of mums stuff. I have boxes of things I can bear to part with. It all passed them by with no heartache. It was by far and away the hardest thing I've ever done, it had to be done within 4 weeks of mums death as it was a council property. I still cry about it and about the fact my older siblings left me to it with no qualm at all.

Op, try not to fall out with your siblings about this, try to talk to them and get it sorted out in the open.

I had bereavement counselling and what I cried about most was losing my siblings, I knew mum was elderly and had died and I sort of accepted that, but the cold way my siblings didnt bother with me after mums death shook me to the core. (theres a back story of course but not suitable for here).

Good luck op, and sympathies, its an awful awful time.

I can't bear to part with, sorry ^

Until the house is sold or distributed correctly I don't think the estate can be wound up meaning the solicitors fees will also be ongoing mean bigger bills there- as well as ongoing house related costs.

Could be reason executor sibling is so keen to get things moving especially if there is a small or limited amount of money. You really need to be asking question about the whole estate and see if you can get an idea of all the bills going to be coming up that the estate is going to have to settle.

Not that they are being unfeeling but are actually doing their job and trying to limit costs so you all get as much money as possible.
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It's not easy clearing houses - my Dad and his brother fell out during the process for a whole host of reasons that had nothing to actually do with the house itself and the contents.

I am in a similar position. DF died in August and there are three of us. We are clearing the house right now. DF's solicitor is the executor of the will so slightly different in that way.

At the end of the day, it's just stuff! None of us want the house, two of us live abroad and so we're being quite pragmatic about it. Clearing the house and so on doesn't take away from any of our family memories. They're still there and that's what matters. We have each taken a few items that are important to us, obviously kept family photos and so on and anything like that and then the rest is going to charity (or the tip - DF was a bit of a hoarder, ten years of old bus tickets, anyone?!). I've coped by putting my practical head on. Living abroad means I've had limited time and so I've had to crack on. It's the only practical solution. None of us wants a house in an area of the UK we don't want to live in, and we don't want to be lumbered with bills and so on and maintenance. I certainly don't want to keep it for my kids - I'd rather put some of the money from the sale into savings for them for university. DF would have liked that.

Disclaimer - we have lived abroad a lot. I don't become attached to houses and furniture and general easily. I know others get more attached and so this must be harder.

Sorry for your loss OP. I hope you manage to work something out. It also helps to remember that everyone is equally entitled to their feelings - you might not want to clear the house. Siblings might. No one is right or wrong.

My DH's family turned my FiL's home into a holiday let after he died and it has worked - but DH did have experience of the holiday industry and his advice is as follows... The general wisdom is that it needs to be 'character' property in a particular place (doesn't apply to London where basically a shed will do) . While a coastal view in Cornwall is great - it's actually got quite a short season compared with somewhere like a posh bit of London, somewhere honeypottish like Bath or Oxford - there are parts of Scotland that work really well too - Edinburgh, St Andrews and Loch Lomond. The siblings put it into the hands of a good agency, tenants have looked after it really well. It (now) provides a small income that cover all the outgoings and a bit more, each sib gets a week to stay there and pays the cleaning cost for that week - all this was sorted out pretty amicably. There are specialist holiday let mortgages I think.

If you're having a meeting today, hopefully your sibling who is the executor will have information on other assets in the estate. IF you and your other sibling want to buy out the other third, there might be additional funds/assets in the estate that could be brought into the equation?

I know these things can be really difficult. When my gran's house need sold my mum was one of the local children who was working on clearing the house (7 siblings, about half of whom lived nearby and the rest lived quite a long way away), and I know there was a lot of tension between those who were having to work on clearing the house and those who came up and complained after all the work was done.

and then finance keeping it for our children's childhoods as a holiday home

Do your children want to spend every holiday in a shrine to their dead grandparents?

OP, my house was bought in the same circumstances, the parents had died and their children sold it. It was their childhood home. I think it's nice that it was their family home and they grew up there and now it's our family home and my children can grow up here. We've kept some bits of the garden they planted. Before that it was a empty, run down house, now it has life again.

That's harsh Ricardian.

And yes the grandchildren ( aged between 3- 15) are desperate to keep what is to them a second home in a special place where they have spent much time in their little lives.

Obv if it isn't possible to keep it for whatever reason, then their parents will help them view this positively and move on. But presenting it as making children spend their holidays in a shrine is upsetting.

But not sure how to keep it. Was thinking it would be a good investment. Upkeep on an empty house won't be too much?

YABU

You need to take the emotion out of it. An empty house will start to decay, and lose its value. It's not an investment, if no-one is using it.

It's your childhood home, but you are a grownup with children of your own presumably. Unless you're landed gentry where the estate is handed over to the eldest son, then ultimately it is just a house - it's the people who make it the special place. You're projecting your grief.

Why not sell up - you don't need to do it straightaway, but you do need to do it soon. And then invest the money in your children's future. Do you really think your father would like you to be so sentimental that you deny opportunities to your children?

I hope this doesn't sound harsh, OP, because I really don't mean it to - but what kind of location and condition is the house in? Could it be rented out for holiday/short term lets without too much alteration/decoration? That might be a way to keep it and still be able to use it for your/your sibling's holidays. That would obviously mean clearing a lot of personal possessions though, and would involve quite a lot of work on changeover days etc. Or are there older children in the family who could use it while studying, as I think someone up thread was doing.

it's not just a house, or even just my fathers house, if it was sold it would be severing mine, my siblings and their children's connection to the place I grew up. A beautiful special place that none of us live near anymore and one that all of us love and enjoy spending time in. There is nowhere else to stay there anymore, no family left . I can't bear the thought of not being able to go home, to go to my beach .

Anyway you're all going to accuse me of sentimentality again so I better shut up!

Thanks for all the advice. Really is tremendously helpful x x and sorry to all those that have been thru this.

Despite my annoyances this conversation has been very very useful x

Were in the process of selling our house to move into my dads. He died last Aug. The solicitor is the executor and only she can insure it, it costs £103 for three month. We have to check the house every week and run the heating. We've had it valued so I know how big a mortgage I have to raise to give my brother half.
It's been empty more than a year and we can't move in till our house sells. Luckily my brother is in no hurry for his half but were still paying bills on the empty property.
Empty, its not my dads house, but its only the last month or so I've walked in and not expected to see him sat there. It is just a house.
Hope you can sort this with your siblings.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think something else to think about is, if you converted it to a holiday home/b&B, would it still feel like your childhood home? Would you be ok with tenants changing things, breaking things, etc? It may be that you would be, I just think it's something to think about.

Well, with my hard hat on I would say that if everyone kept their childhood home there would be even less property available in this country than there is already. Fair enough if the property is a small cottage or holiday bungalow type of affair, but a big house? That is going to be expensive to maintain.

The pil's house has recently been sold (they are in a care home). We explored renting it out but it would have needed an awful lot of work and expense to bring it up to standard. After being empty a year, we could no longer find any insurance, and as it was the heating had to be kept on, a weekly inspection had to be carried out and things kept going wrong such as the fence blowing down and a neighbour complaining constantly about the property being empty.

You sound far too emotionally attached to the house to be able to rent it out. if you rent it furnished, tenants will rearrange and may damage your fathers furniture (even just normal wear snd tear or accidents). If you rent it unfurnished it will be as unrecognisable as if you sold it, except you will still have money and energy tied up in the property and have to watch the changes happen. Better to sell it and you don't have to visit and see a new family making it their home.

An empty property is financially a dead weight. It would eat away money whereas your dad intended it to provide you all with money to improve your lives.

Can you bring some of his furniture to your house to keep alive the memories?

it's not just a house, or even just my fathers house, if it was sold it would be severing mine, my siblings and their children's connection to the place I grew up. A beautiful special place that none of us live near anymore and one that all of us love and enjoy spending time in. There is nowhere else to stay there anymore, no family left . I can't bear the thought of not being able to go home, to go to my beach

Anyway you're all going to accuse me of sentimentality again so I better shut up!

Sentimentality is not the word I would use.

You really do need to get this thread moved before you get harsh responses.

I really understand where you are coming from. My sister and I inherited our parents home 8 years ago after our Mum died. We absolutely couldn't bear to part with it and tried to find a way to keep it with much the same idea as you, ie using it for family holidays and get always for us and our DCs. ( I also had a vague notion it might be nice to retire there one day). It is in a lovely location where many people do go on holiday so we looked at holiday letting with reserving some weeks for us too.
Sadly holiday letting would have required a huge cash injection to upgrade it and neither of us live close enough to manage it so we would have been totally dependent on an agency. And of course the whole character of the house would have changed. And we couldn't have just decided to go when we wanted at short notice.
We hung onto it for nearly a year but realised it was gradually declining. Insurance and council tax were expensive, the garden and exterior were looking neglected. When we did go over it was cold, smelled 'unlived in' and took a while to warm up. The pipes did burst one winter despite us leaving heating on low and the damage was costly.
It absolutely broke our hearts but we realised we just couldn't do this and put it on the market just as the property crash came! It just wouldn't sell so we eventually let it out to long term tenants. I do find comfort in knowing that another family are getting good use from it now.
It has been emotionally really hard, but now, 8 years on, we both feel able to let go. It is so true what others have said, memories are not in bricks and mortar but it does take time to get there. We are just lucky that both of us felt the same about it so there was no conflict.
I have no useful advice. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in feeling like this, and that eventually the rawness does get better.