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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to sell father's house?

169 replies

deeedeee · 03/10/2015 10:15

My father died this last year and left his house and everything ( his estate) equally to me and my two siblings. One of these siblings wants to clear and sell the house now, the other two don't want to. The sibling who wants to sell is the executor of the will. Does anyone have any experience of this kind of situation? How would we go about buying the third sibling out? is it a good idea? what else could be done?

OP posts:
lorelei9 · 03/10/2015 11:12

harsh...? I thought you wanted practical advice?

AccidentalNameChange · 03/10/2015 11:13

Don't want to lose my home and my children's holiday home as well as my parents.

Do you mean your childhood home? Or do you live there now and your adult children visit in holidays?

VimFuego101 · 03/10/2015 11:13

I think you have had practical advice. Other people are right, it doesn't make practical sense to leave the house sitting empty. Would either of you be interested in living in it? Maybe you could pay rent to the other two.

ComposHatComesBack · 03/10/2015 11:13

I'm sorry what did you want people to say? I'm not being sarcastic but what kind of response were you looking for?

Original poster
deeedeee · 03/10/2015 11:15

Yes sorry, it seems harsh to be told to get over it, get counselling and move on.

The thought of it makes me feel as if I can't breath.

Thanks for your time in responding everybody. Tough question I guess

OP posts:
Badders123 · 03/10/2015 11:16

No one poster had been harsh! Perhaps we just haven't told you what you wanted to hear (very common in Aibu!)
You asked for advice and were given it, by people who have been there.
i feel quite sorry for your sibling tbh.
Being executor is very hard, especially then you are grieving too.

monkeysox · 03/10/2015 11:16

Lovely idea to keep it but not practical. Empty houses deteriorate. Liable for council tax. Unless it becomes a holiday let or a rental it will soon become a very different place.

Being an executor is the hardest job ever.

monkeysox · 03/10/2015 11:17

Oh and Flowers so sorry for your loss x

Jeffreythegiraffe · 03/10/2015 11:17

Upkeep on an empty house could be quite a lot. What happens in winter? You have to have the heating on and you have to stop the pipes freezing, an empty house costs more to insure and there are conditions attached to it, I know this as I've had one. Lots of insurance companies won't insure an empty house. There's more to it then you realise. Will you make the sibling who wants to sell pay for all this too?

I'm sorry for your loss but you need to be realistic. I know it's awful. You are getting practical advice, it just isn't the advice you want. I agree bereavement counselling might help.

ImperialBlether · 03/10/2015 11:18

But if a caretaker lived in it, it would become their home. They would rearrange the furniture, maybe redecorate. They wouldn't live amongst her father's things.

The whole point for the OP is that she can walk into the house and remember her dad and remember her childhood there.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/10/2015 11:18

My father did this, except he was the executor of my grandmother's will and he was the one who didn't want to sell. So he bought his brother out (just the 2 of them, left to them equally) and used the house for a while while he went up there to sort things out, and become emotionally ready to part with it. It took him a couple of years - and the house needed quite extensive work to make it habitable again (it had been empty for some time anyway as my Grandmother had Alzheimer's and had been living with my parents for some years before she died) - but by the time it came to selling it, he was just about ready. It was his childhood home as well, so he'd known it for decades.

What I don't know is how he raised the funds to pay off his brother - he may have had sufficient in savings (it was back in the 90s and in an area where houses were cheap) or he may have had to take some kind of loan - these days, you'd probably be looking at a second mortgage on your own home to do it. Can you do that? Are you prepared to? Is your OH prepared to?

WhatsGoingOnEh · 03/10/2015 11:18

I'm really sorry you lost your Dad. Maybe go to the house alone one day and spend some time there processing the loss? Take photos, etc? Create a memory book? Have one last holiday there with the DC.

See a mortgage/financial adviser to discuss your options on raising the capital to buy out your sibling.

Just take it slowly -- DO NOT feel obliged to hurry.

cleaty · 03/10/2015 11:19

Empty houses can take more maintenance than lived in houses. Simply living in a house and having the heating on and windows open at times, stops a lot of potential problems. Without that, you are more likely to have problems with damp.

AccidentalNameChange · 03/10/2015 11:19

Oh, ok, childhood home.

People aren't being harsh, they are being practical, which is what you asked for.

Keeping a house as a keepsake isn't practical.

You are an adult these are the types of things adults have to deal with. Many people 'lose' their childhood home earlier and more traumatically than this. Be brave. First you need to face things practically and then grieve.

It is unkind to your (also grieving) sibling to resist selling with no real idea of what your alternative plan is. Hanging on to an empty house is just creating a headache (unless you are wealthy).

formerbabe · 03/10/2015 11:20

So sad that if we can't afford to buy them out we have to clear and sell our childhood home :-(

Sorry for your loss op Flowers

In the nicest possible way, many people, including myself, have to sell their childhood home after their parents die. It is upsetting but not unusual. In fact, it is more unusual to keep it I would think.

Jeffreythegiraffe · 03/10/2015 11:21

We aren't being harsh op, we're just being practical which isn't what you want to hear right now. No one is telling you to get over it and move on.

A decade is a hell of a lot of money. Think about the cost of upkeep in that time, and insurance.

ImperialBlether · 03/10/2015 11:22

I think the fact you can't breathe at the thought of moving on indicates you really need help, OP. It sounds like you're almost having panic attacks at the thought. Maybe you could see a doctor and ask for some help? They might offer you something that will help you get through this time, whether that's ADs or counselling.

Whatever you do, please don't lose your relationship with your elder sibling over this. That would be the last thing your parents would want to happen.

Badders123 · 03/10/2015 11:22

Well, my dad died 2 years ago and I can assure you I haven't "moved on"
I still miss him like a physical pain.
and I certainly don't need bricks and mortar in order to remember him.
Good luck op.
Please do look into counselling. I don't think your attachment to your childhood home is healthy.
A friend of mine "couldn't" wouldn't sell her mothers home. She and her Dh moved into it after selling theirs. She know admits it was the worst thing she could have done. The house is not suitable for her or her ageing dhs needs. Her Dh resents being forced to move. Her only child moved out because he didn't feel like it was his home.
It's a really really bad idea to make big decisions about your future just after a bereavement.

lorelei9 · 03/10/2015 11:22

Imperial - yes, but I was thinking of ways the OP could keep it as she seems to want to.

pudcat · 03/10/2015 11:23

If you want to keep the house you need to sell your own and buy the other two out. Or if it is a very large family home the 2 siblings who want to keep it sell their own, to buy family home, giving 3rd sibling a third of the house and contents price. It is hard to do but the upkeep of the empty house will eat into your money.

Bearbehind · 03/10/2015 11:23

OP, the trouble with this situation is that you can't have what you want as you can't afford to keep the house indefinitely so you are going to have to let it go at some point, which is seeming so daunting right now.

Maybe if you can accept that it will have to be sold and give yourself time to get used to that it will be better than battling with your siblings over keeping it.

Can you take some comfort from the thought if another family making happy memories there like you did?

You can't easily (if at all) insure an empty property. If you rented it out then you wouldn't have access to use it for holidays anyway so selling really is the only option, the hard part is going to be letting go but it needs to be done at some point.

Very few people have the luxury of hanging onto their childhood home, unfortunately it just has to be part of your grieving process Flowers

ImperialBlether · 03/10/2015 11:24

Also, don't make the mistake of thinking you and your other sibling must have loved your dad more because you can't let go of him now. Your elder sibling will be grieving too.

EponasWildDaughter · 03/10/2015 11:26

The practicalities of dealing with death (as an adult) are harsh.

No one has said you have to 'get over it', but you know, as well as everyone else who has gone through this does, that you do have to and deal with it. A year has gone by and it's time to face up to it all.

As everyone has said; trying to somehow 'share' a house for 10 years, between 3 different people who want 3 different things is going to be an emotional nightmare which is just going to drag on and on. It wont be any easier emotionally to sell it in 10 years.

BlueJug · 03/10/2015 11:26

No-one has been harsh at all. People have given their own experiences - some of which have been lovely I like the ide aof a baby's cot being visible in PP's nan's window. - htat has helped me with something similar.

I will be in this situation in a matter of months as my mum will have to go in to care. I want to keep the house whilst neither of my siblings do. The
trouble is I can't afford to do that.

If you can afford to buy out, then do. Raise the money, get a lawyer and the cash will go into your third sibling's share. But get a lawyer and do it properly.

My uncle kept his childhood home in Ireland as a holiday home, a place to go back to three or four times a year etc. He got ill within a year of inheriting, it was expensive and difficult to visit, the time between visits became longer. It bacame stressful to maintain and then was burnt down by vandals. (Rural so not spotted in time to put out the fire before house irreparably damaged). As the house had been empty for so long the insurance was invalid. It happens more often than you think.

Everyone here has tried to help by giving experiences and practical advice. Sorry for your loss OP - hope it works out for you

Original poster
deeedeee · 03/10/2015 11:27

Other sibling and I are trying to think of ways to finance buying third sibling out, and then finance keeping it for our children's childhoods as a holiday home and B and B .
Exploring whether it's possible.
Whether our other sibling can force a sale without our consent.

OP posts:
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