to have been quite rude and have sworn at him

[LittleMissLady]

Been mulling over this.

Came home from nursery run yesterday just before dinner time and found DP doing the washing up. He had also tided up the kids toys and picked up his dirty laundry that he had left in the hallway that morning.

He didn't even say hello. He just immediately jumped down my throat by saying, in a very angry aggressive manner 'do you think you could do the washing up sometimes so I don't have to do it when I get home. It was a huge pile and mess everywhere...'

I didn't hear the rest of what he had to say as I was so angry at the way he was speaking and the sheer cheek of t that I walked off to another room. He followed me and continued berating me about it and the general state of the flat so I actually did just look at him and say 'can you fuck off?'.
He got pretty angry at that. Said that my instant anger/annoyance at this and the fact that I had sworn so quickly were massive indicators of my guilt at having not done the housework so I could do nothing all day.

I had had a lengthy school tour in the morning after nursery drop off, then came home with 1 yr old DS, had lunch and a nap (not getting much sleep at night atm) and then played with DS til nursery collection time.

Things got said, he said I was taking him for a clown and treating him like an idiot because he works all day and then he HAS to do the housework when he gets home (he gets home around 2/3 so it's not late in the day) because I REFUSE to do it. He is the only one earning which apparently gives him license to demand answers and speak to me anyway he likes.

Sniping and backbiting progressed into him completely blanking me when I asked him a question (completely unrelated to any of the above he simply decided I didn't exist) and the argument went to a new level.
He called me a loser. A retard. A fucking bitch. Lazy. Worthless.
I was nothing before I met him. I was a loser and he made me into a woman. Without him I still am a loser.
Told me to go fuck myself. I have ruined his life.

I told him to FOTTFSOFATFOSM. which felt quite nice if I'm honest and we didn't say another word as he stormed off to bed leaving me with both kids who were understandably upset. Dd especially (she's 3)

He did say, at several points through out, that if I hadn't been so rude at the start and sworn at him (this was wrong of me but it's ok when he swears) then the argument would never have happened. Apparently I decided to get upset and sensitive over something that was perfectly reasonable for him to say.
So, WIBU to walk off and then swear?

Sorry but I'd be annoyed if I were your DH. Your day consisted of a school tour, eating lunch, snoozing, and playing with your DS. Surely you could have spared 10 minutes to do the washing up?

He was BU to say such horrible things to you though, especially in front of the DCs, but both of you were nasty. You didn't need to tell him to fuck off either.

YW both BU.

I think the things he said to you were totally out of order but I too would be annoyed to come home from work and find nothing done.

You would be perfectly suited to my ex.
His idea of a perfect day involved walking the (then) 6/7 year old to school.
Coming back. Making coffee. Applying for jobs watching porn on his laptop all day and napping on the sofa.

While his idea of my perfect day was
Leave the house about 6, do an 8 hour shift at work, collect ds, come home, wash up and cook dinner.

Cuz he was a bit sad about not getting the last job he applied for (several months ago)

One of the many reasons he is now an ex.

Can't you be adult enough to divide the chores between you without a slanging match?

You were both VVU

It sounds like you were both on edge - he had worked up a head of steam about the fact that the washing up wasn't done and you shut down any discussion about that by walking off and failing to even acknowledge that he was talking to you. He may have approached it wrong, but you did exactly what you accuse him of by blanking him.

It sounds like you are both tired and probably need to discuss this in the cold light of day to establish areas of responsibility and what's reasonable in terms of distributing the housework.

However, that said, there is absolutely no excuse for him to make the comments he made about you taking him for a ride, the name-calling and the accusation that you have ruined his life. If he cannot handle a simple disagreement about washing up without going nuclear then he needs to reassess the way he deals with his feelings. That is completely unacceptable and needs addressing as a priority. You may not have covered yourself in glory, but he really went over the top with his tirade of personal attacks, and I would be disinclined to enter into any discussion about division of labour until he accepted responsibility for that and apologised.

You were both twats.

If you had time for an afternoon nap you had time to do the dishes .

He shouldn't have called you names but you started it with your 'Fuck off".

You need to learn how to communicate with each other without resorting to verbal abuse.

It seems very OTT. Is there other suff going on that is a background to this unpleasant snapshot?

Annoying for him. But suggesting that you were/ are 'nothing' without him is seriously fucked up. He wants to come home to a spotless house, daily. He nreds to not live with people and get a cleaner.
You sound as though you weren't prepared to talk about it either. The two of you need to stop having a competition about who can be the most offensive and perhaps deal with what the problems are.

Swearing and shouting at each other in front of the children is never acceptable.

I'd have been pissed off if I were him too. You could have put some toys out for your DS while you took 10 minutes to wash up. They don't need constant entertaining.

You both sound as bad as one another with the swearing though. No wonder your poor 3 year old was upset. Vile behaviour from both of you

Yes, I agree you were both being unreasonable. He shouldn't have spoken to you as he did, and if he speaks to people like that he can't expect a friendly response. But walking off as he was speaking was also seriously rude and uncalled for. I think you need to sit down and talk about housework division of labour when you are both calm. If he is getting home at 2/3 of course he can contribute to housework too. But at the same time, on the face of it you probably are going to have to do the majority of housework (even if only a bare majority) since you're the SAHP. And I agree with the PP that having a nap doesn't seem like the best reason to put it off. But you definitely need to agree on expectations when you're not fighting.

Ywbbu, shouting & swearing at each other in front of DC enough to upset them? You can see that's wrong can't you?
I do think you sound pretty lazy though tbh, you basically did fuck all round the house while your DP was at work then got arsey when he pointed thus out, I'd be pissed off with you too if I was him

He sounds like an abusive fuck to be honest, and I'm wondering why people are expecting you to be polite and engage if he is immediately angry and aggressive. Also he used the word 'retard?' Absolutely fucking unacceptable, especially if the Children could hear. That for me alone would be a deal breaker. Disgusting behaviour. I think YABU to post this in AIBU. Much better off in Relationships imo

Come on - who leaves their dirty laundry in the hall and shouts at their wife when they get back in for having to pick it up and put their own kids' toys away and wash up the family dishes?

I dunno. You were both rude to each other. As for him kicking up a fuss at you not doing the dishes, firstly you didn't ask him to do them and secondly if it was only 3pm there was still plenty of time for you to do them before dinner.
And if you're not getting much sleep, I think it's harsh to begrudge you a nap in the afternoon.
So I'm thinking he's been pissed off about something else or a build up of things. But there was no need for either of you to be so rude to each other.

You both sound as bad as each other - yes the way he spoke to you was pretty disgusting, but you starting the conversation with 'can you fuck off' is just as bad. I assume your DC were around to hear all this? Did either of you stop for a second to think how damaging hearing all that could be to your DC?

I feel sorry for them

And it's kind of beside the point, but I do think if one of you is working and the other is a SAHP, the SAHP should at least be doing the washing up during the day.

What were you doing on all the other days he has had to do the washing up?

Neither of you are coming out of this looking good TBH.

No excuse for not doing the washing up I think (and I suspect you know that) but I get the distinct feeling there is an underlying issue here and this massive row was brewing. Take some time out together and have a chat, think of the kids and do what you have to do.

I think it's wrong how he went off on you but like him I would be annoyed if I came home from work to find nothing done. You are a sahm, there is time in your day to do the washing up. You should not have walked off and sworn at him but then he shouldn't have started calling you names.

Fault on both sides I think. A serious chat is probably best on expectations and splitting the chores.

The arguing you were both unreasonable. The initial incident that sparked the arguing was your fault. It takes ten minutes to do dishes. It sounds lazy on your part and I can fully understand why he finds it annoying.

This all took place in front of the children? Regardless of what the argument was about you were both being unreasonable for that.

You were both swearing like this in front of your DC?
Nice.
You are both in the wrong.

Little miss, you and your DP need counselling and you need to focus on communicating without blaming.
The fact that your DH earns more money does not make him your boss, so him ordering you around is out of order.

You need to get a mediator if things don't improve after counselling.

I think your DH is aggressive, you need to get more sleep, and you both need to see each other's sides.

Fwiw, a dishwasher may save your relationship in the short term, so buy one and have it installed ASAP.

Washing dishes is the most awful task after a long day with dcs- it's never ending, so buy help.

You and your do need to have a meeting and agree terms of communication- for example, when you meet each other after a day apart, a "hello how are you" is polite, before starting up the tirade of the blame game.

Blanking each other is also a no no.
Shouting at each other is also forbidden.
Calling each other names and cursing at each other is forbidden.
Being respectful and polite is essential.

Chasing each other from room to room to shout and abuse a each other is also not allowed. You need to be able to leave the room to take a break, but promise to finish the conversation. You both need to know that leaving the room is not stalking off in a huff, but just a quick time out. Blanking and huffing about is not allowed- it's passive aggressive and does not contribute to the resolution.

You both need to know that conversations are important, and that you need to schedule time to have them. You need to have a happy resolution in mind.

A list of communication and relationship rules need to to agreed on, and signed off on. Make it formal.

You need to find your common ground and soon, or else I can't see you staying together. Disgust and contempt are lethal in a relationship, and you'll not survive it.

If your DP continues to play the huff and blame game, I'm afraid you'll have to leave, as that's damaging for your dcs to be with someone so contemptuous and disrespectful. You need to phone women's aid if there's no improvement, as banging on about how you have to do what he says because he earns more etc is financial abuse.

Name calling and blaming are huge red flags to me here and you need to enlist help in sorting your relationship out. And buy practical help by getting a dishwasher too.

Your work's cut out for you with young kids, but that's life, nothing worthwhile is easy.

Get counselling, get all your frustrations out in the open, listen to his frustrations, lay some ground rules about how to communicate, reconnect why you're with this man, and agree on a way forward that's respectful and polite.

Good luck. Keep us posted.

Yrbbu. I know parenting is the hardest job EVER,( along side being a teacher) But seriously, you had time for a nap but not to clean/tidy?? When I was looking after our then 1yo boy ever Wednesday, my wife would come home to an immaculate house with all chores done. It ain't hard to find time, and as pointed out earlier, as a stay at home, you do need to actually do stuff, not use it as an excuse to do fuk all all day.

1. Just because the OP had not done the washing up yet does not mean she was not planning on doing it later, ffs. Give her enough credit to have the intelligence to schedule her own day
2. I call bullshit on it only taking '10 minutes' to wash up a massive pile of washing up by hand
3. The OP should not have to justify to anyone how much or how little housework she does. Especially if it involves picking up mess left by others in the lichen and other people's dumped dirty washing

he stormed off to bed leaving me with both kids who were understandably upset. Dd especially (she's 3)

You are both shits.

Leave the screaming and swearing for when your dc are not in earshot.

If I come back from an 8.30-6 shift on dh's day off, i'm also pissed off if the house is a shit tip. It's bloody miserable turning up home and then having a stack of cleaning to do, especially when one person has been at home all day.

You were bu to do nothing useful all day. He was bu to say the things he did to you (but as you hardly sound like a shrinking wallflower i'm assuming you gave as good as you got?)

Like I said, you're both shits for doing it in front of the dc.

I did not swear at him in front of the DC. They were in a desperate room.

He did scream abuse at me in front of them. And when dd got upset and clung to my legs he pointed at her and yelled at me 'look what your doing to dd'

All the others time he has HAD (I have never asked him to, he decides to do it if he has had a bad day) to come back and do washing up just happen to be days that I might have taken the DC out somewhere.

So am I really unreasonable to take a nap during the day (the one day I can when dd is at nursery) when I have had 3/4 hours of broken sleep through the night? I am honestly surprised by this.

The dirty laundry in the hallway was his. He dumps his dirty clothes on the floor instead of in the wash basket. He leaves his wet towel(towels - when he gets a clean one he leaves the dirty one wherever it is) on the bathroom floor or rail and if I don't clear them up then we run out of towels.

Most days of the week I do things during the day - shopping, play dates, cooking, laundry etc.
Then DP comes home and at that point I tend to leave him to play with DC while I go and do washing up, take down and fold laundry, hang out wet laundry, put away, clean wherever is needed.

I do struggle to get things done during the day as I have to endlessly keep DC apart and I don't find it easy. Especially when I'm not getting much sleep.

I don't think it's right for me to have said 'can you duck off?' But I'm so tired of having my head ripped off cos he's had a shit day at work and then being told I'm lazy and using him for money.

He's gives me 'X' a month. By the time rent, bills, food etc are paid there's nothing left so I don't have money for myself. And he was the one who wanted me not to work.