to have been quite rude and have sworn at him

[LittleMissLady]

Been mulling over this.

Came home from nursery run yesterday just before dinner time and found DP doing the washing up. He had also tided up the kids toys and picked up his dirty laundry that he had left in the hallway that morning.

He didn't even say hello. He just immediately jumped down my throat by saying, in a very angry aggressive manner 'do you think you could do the washing up sometimes so I don't have to do it when I get home. It was a huge pile and mess everywhere...'

I didn't hear the rest of what he had to say as I was so angry at the way he was speaking and the sheer cheek of t that I walked off to another room. He followed me and continued berating me about it and the general state of the flat so I actually did just look at him and say 'can you fuck off?'.
He got pretty angry at that. Said that my instant anger/annoyance at this and the fact that I had sworn so quickly were massive indicators of my guilt at having not done the housework so I could do nothing all day.

I had had a lengthy school tour in the morning after nursery drop off, then came home with 1 yr old DS, had lunch and a nap (not getting much sleep at night atm) and then played with DS til nursery collection time.

Things got said, he said I was taking him for a clown and treating him like an idiot because he works all day and then he HAS to do the housework when he gets home (he gets home around 2/3 so it's not late in the day) because I REFUSE to do it. He is the only one earning which apparently gives him license to demand answers and speak to me anyway he likes.

Sniping and backbiting progressed into him completely blanking me when I asked him a question (completely unrelated to any of the above he simply decided I didn't exist) and the argument went to a new level.
He called me a loser. A retard. A fucking bitch. Lazy. Worthless.
I was nothing before I met him. I was a loser and he made me into a woman. Without him I still am a loser.
Told me to go fuck myself. I have ruined his life.

I told him to FOTTFSOFATFOSM. which felt quite nice if I'm honest and we didn't say another word as he stormed off to bed leaving me with both kids who were understandably upset. Dd especially (she's 3)

He did say, at several points through out, that if I hadn't been so rude at the start and sworn at him (this was wrong of me but it's ok when he swears) then the argument would never have happened. Apparently I decided to get upset and sensitive over something that was perfectly reasonable for him to say.
So, WIBU to walk off and then swear?

And extra especially when your kitchen is filled with lichen. It's a bugger to get rid of.

(Bloody autocorrect. )

I've kind of been here (minus the swearing, but some shouting). You're both wrong. You were a bit lazy and then your guilt turned into rudeness, then he lost control. Basically I hate housework so I avoid it like the plague by going on MN organising social stuff, helping sick people, PTA stuff, crochet, baking etc. etc. Dh has gone through phases of getting v upset whilst I get defensive.

What has helped is to have a clear division of labour. Despite working f/t and long hours, dh does do all the washing up. This is all he does for the house, but it is considerable. He also puts a kid to bed nearly every night if he's home, and he takes the boys to football on a Sat. He does all the bills/ finance. I do all the shopping/ cooking (apart from twice a year when he does pizza)/ cleaning (washing up doesn't include cleaning kitchen, sadly)/ clothes washing/ putting away of washing up and washing/ sorting out kids school stuff/ presents/ birthday parties/ homework/ Christmas/ holiday activities/ gardening/ family 'diary' control (this gets more complex the older your kids get). Everything else basically.

I think you need to apologise to him. You can also tell him how the things he said made you feel. You know he didn't mean them and said them in anger, but he needs to zip it a bit more when he's angry otherwise hurtful things are said.

Finally you need to make a pact not to scream and swear in front of the kids. Arguing is fine for kids to see, and in fact healthy, but not screaming lack of control.

I don't work at the moment. If nothing has been done when DH gets home, nothing has been done. The things he said to you were disproportionate and frankly if I walk into the house to have someone have a go at me, I'd tell him to fuck off too.

Having worked, and been a SAHP, I'd work any time. Staying at home is a thankless pile of shitty drudge that can cock off.

Oh Rats, sweetheart, get yourself over to relationships or report this thread and get it moved. AIBU is not the place for this.

Repost in relationships.

You were both unreasonable.

No reason for you not to have done something in the flat. No wonder he was annoyed. No need for you to swear at him as you did in front of the children.

You both sound pretty awful.

Name calling and blaming are huge red flags to me here and you need to enlist help in sorting your relationship out

Assuming this is an isolated incident, I don't see any 'red flags' - just an argument that got out of hand.

Dh and I argued about 3 weeks ago (dc were not at home). It was a proper blazing row. He shouted, I shouted. I called him an arrogant prick, he called me a controlling bitch. I slammed a glass down on a table so hard it cracked and it ended when he slammed out of the house to stop himself from punching a wall.

It blew up from nothing (seriously - it started as a discussion of events to plan when we're on holiday in November!) - we were both tired, we've both been under a lot of stress and pressure from various things over the last three months and we gave each other the brunt of it.

It's the first argument we've had in about 6 years. We blanked each other for the rest of the evening, then talked about it the next day, apologised to each other and all is fine.

It was two adults, on an equal footing, that got out of control. It does happen - and assuming both parties are equal and there's no historic EA and the like going on, it's not a case of 'red flags', just a case of a shit day.

1. You were both unreasonable
2. Buy a dishwasher

I think that he was the one being unreasonable on balance.

When I hadn't done the washing up on occasion when on maternity leave DH either did it or we left it and did it later. I agree that a snooze is important if you're routinely sleep deprived.

What you said to him wasn't great, but he had gone on and on at you, and what he retaliated with was beyond the pale.

OP had done some useful stuff in the day - school tour. And it was only 3pm when he got home FFS!

YA mostly NBU. Looking after children that young is pretty much a full time job! Seriously, especially if you're doing the nights too. And even if he does have an issue with how much housework you both do, he should have discussed it calmly later, not brought it up like that. Ok, you were bu for swearing first, but his subsequent outburst sounds unacceptable.

I'm maybe showing off my non mn side here, but I'm actually surprised at how many of you would be pissed off at the dishes not being done when you got in from work at 3pm. What difference does it make if they're done at 9am or 4pm! And no-one asked OPs dh to do them, he took it upon himself to lend a hand, but only I think to make a point. If he is constantly lording it over you that he is the earner and you are therefore less important, you need to have a very serious discussion with him.

he stormed off to bed leaving me with both kids who were understandably upset. Dd especially (she's 3)

OP I assumed from this that your DC were at least in ear shot of what was happening

There's nothing wrong with you taking a nap if you need to.

But clearly there's bigger issues going on here. Your P needs to understand that you are now a SAHP through mutual agreement, and therefore whilst you are happy to take care of the housework during the day, he is an adult and can pick up his dirty washing/towels because you are not his mother.

And surely the rent, bills, etc should be paid from the family (joint) finances and then you should have some cash for the month (if that's the way you organise it).

Overall there is zilch mutual respect or understanding IMO. You need to sit down together and calmly agree a way forward. And agree to never act that way in front of your DC...

Little miss/ Mrs, don't defend yourself on here with these posters taking a pot shot at you for shouting. Ffs posters

You sound very stressed and are financially dependent on a man who obviously treating you badly, bullying you, manipulating you and blaming you for his own problems.

Find out where your local women's aid centre is and give them a ring and get some support in real life. Do that now and stop reading this thread.

You need to be calm, so stop replying to posters on this thread, and get some help in real life.

I wish you all the best.
I'd report your own thread and ask that MN HQ move this thread to relationships not AIBU.

I think you're being abused, and I'm sure if you were posting in relationships you'd get more help than from the vipers posters who hang around AIBU who seem to have just hoiked themselves up on their perfect high horses, and sharpened their knives as they think you 'shouldn't have shouted' so therefore you are wrong, or some such twaddle.

My advice: Ring women's aid now! And leave this AIBU thread. You'll get nothing on AIBU except a bashing from self styled perfect women who don't understand anything except how they never raise their voices! can survive on 15 minutes sleep, and can do the washing up in five seconds flat,

Of course you're not unreasonable to have a nap, but you said yourself you 'played with ds for the rest of the afternoon'. So IMO there was 100% still time for some washing up. Even if you couldn't manage all of it - Some would have been better than none.

Do you not see your DP's side at all? Being a SAHP is hard work, but so is working all day, and I imagine it would be frustrating to come home from a difficult day to hear that your DP has done what seems like only nice enjoyable things all day (eating lunch, sleeping and playing).

If you're not coping at home, you both need to sit down and have a proper chat about what you can do to sort it.

And more to the point, how would he have reacted if the first thing you did when he got home was to go on and on about his dirty clothes that had been left out all day for you to look at? Damn right he should pick up his own mess!!

You both need to have a proper grown up conversation about this without reporting to verbal abuse.

resorting

Is there a massive backstory and posting history that I'm unaware of?

If not, I struggle to get my head around the 'call women's aid, you're being abused' comments

Husband was home at 3pm so the rest of the afternoon wasn't actually that long, was it? After lunch and napping and a nice bit of play.

I don't see anyone bashing the OP, Venus. Saying she could have squeezed in some washing up is hardly bashing

OP asked for our opinions, and we're giving them, providing another point of view than her own. Lots of people are on her side too if you RTFT.

Another vote for reposting in relationships! Please do it - you will only get abuse on here.

I work from home, and have a lot less responsibility than my DH and he still does loads of housework, cooking etc. You don't have to put up with these outdated gender expectations.

You don't have to put up with these outdated gender expectations

What a load of bollocks.

The person at home shoulders the most of the housework - there are no gender expectations in that, just a fair division of labour. When dh was off work for 3 months I fully expected him to take on most of the housework because he wasn't working.

I don't go by the 'having dc at home is a full time job' rubbish either. Maybe if you have 5 kids under 4, or a newborn you're still getting to grips with. Otherwise, dc at home don't immediately prevent you from lifting a finger all day.

Are you for real Venus?

I think women's aid is going a bit far, all we have so far is a blazing sleep deprived row over not doing the bloody dishes which got out of hand because of no communication.

Your were both U for shouting and swearing within ear shot of the kids, my dad use to swear at my mum (called her bitch etc) when I was in the house. It has stayed with me for the past 20-30 years, I can still hear it my head, it use to scare the hell out of me.