to have been quite rude and have sworn at him

[LittleMissLady]

Been mulling over this.

Came home from nursery run yesterday just before dinner time and found DP doing the washing up. He had also tided up the kids toys and picked up his dirty laundry that he had left in the hallway that morning.

He didn't even say hello. He just immediately jumped down my throat by saying, in a very angry aggressive manner 'do you think you could do the washing up sometimes so I don't have to do it when I get home. It was a huge pile and mess everywhere...'

I didn't hear the rest of what he had to say as I was so angry at the way he was speaking and the sheer cheek of t that I walked off to another room. He followed me and continued berating me about it and the general state of the flat so I actually did just look at him and say 'can you fuck off?'.
He got pretty angry at that. Said that my instant anger/annoyance at this and the fact that I had sworn so quickly were massive indicators of my guilt at having not done the housework so I could do nothing all day.

I had had a lengthy school tour in the morning after nursery drop off, then came home with 1 yr old DS, had lunch and a nap (not getting much sleep at night atm) and then played with DS til nursery collection time.

Things got said, he said I was taking him for a clown and treating him like an idiot because he works all day and then he HAS to do the housework when he gets home (he gets home around 2/3 so it's not late in the day) because I REFUSE to do it. He is the only one earning which apparently gives him license to demand answers and speak to me anyway he likes.

Sniping and backbiting progressed into him completely blanking me when I asked him a question (completely unrelated to any of the above he simply decided I didn't exist) and the argument went to a new level.
He called me a loser. A retard. A fucking bitch. Lazy. Worthless.
I was nothing before I met him. I was a loser and he made me into a woman. Without him I still am a loser.
Told me to go fuck myself. I have ruined his life.

I told him to FOTTFSOFATFOSM. which felt quite nice if I'm honest and we didn't say another word as he stormed off to bed leaving me with both kids who were understandably upset. Dd especially (she's 3)

He did say, at several points through out, that if I hadn't been so rude at the start and sworn at him (this was wrong of me but it's ok when he swears) then the argument would never have happened. Apparently I decided to get upset and sensitive over something that was perfectly reasonable for him to say.
So, WIBU to walk off and then swear?

If there's anything more depressing than domestic abuse, it's people shouting ABUSE on the basis of a tiny snapshot on an Internet site and urging the poster to call Women's Aid right now.

I don't think anyone's telling women to do more housework; they are simply recognising the reality that it has to be done and that the parent staying at home all day should maybe do their share.

YY Soupdragon

When I set the budget I was asked how much the household budget needed to be. I did the sums and that was the household budget.

I have since had to ask for extra money for things for myself and he complains that I am overspending. He seemed to think that my money was built into the household budget. When I struggle to think how he can think that as the budget we agreed on was itemised.

I do get CB paid into my account though. And I'm unsure on whether he thinks that is for my persona spending. I think it is for he kids and as such use it for them - wants/needs/days out etc.

So it is a slight sticking point. As I feel I have to justify anything I want for myself and then feel guilty that I'm now spending his money.

In general he has no control over his temper. He never has. He has called me really quite awful things in the past. Refuses to acknowledge anything I do/have done for him. Anything I have sacrificed/given up is glossed over as nothing to begin with. Anything I am upset about is me being sensitive.
I am firmly in the 'he is emotionally abusive' camp.

I jut find myself doubting myself constantly as to what is or is not unreasonable behaviour on my behalf. I struggle constantly to know whether I have over reacted or under reacted.
I didn't come here though to hash out the abusive nature of my relationship so again, I don't see this drip feeding.

Little miss, report your thread and get it moved to relationships where there are some people who have been through what you're going through and they will be able to help you in a more productive way than the posters on this AIBU thread.

And yes, I am for real, whoever asked. I actually read and reread the OP's posts carefully and put two and two together to make 4. She's being abused.
I've worked with abused and raped women and know what the patterns are.

Good luck little miss. I hope you find yourself free of this nasty, angry man soon, and start to trust your gut again after being gaslighted for so long.

It isn't unreasonable to have not done the washing up if you are minding a 1 yo all day.

Seriously?

A 1yo naps fairly regularly, and can be quite easily contained behind a stairgate when awake, or kept occupied in whatever room you're in.

I have a 1yo and a 4yo, a house which is tall enough to require constant cleaning (NOT a brag, I fucking hate it), a PT job in which I'm self employed, a DH who works full time and a father who is terminally ill, who I need to constantly overlook and arrange care for.

I do the washing up, the laundry, and 3/4 of the housework. It's entirely possible.

To say that minding a 1yo prevents someone from doing a bit of washing up is ridiculous.

I never said that my DS prevented me from doing the washing up. He doesn't prevent me.

I hadn't done it as I had prioritised the one afternoon in the week where it's just me and him to play with him for an hour instead of ignoring him to do housework.

MASSIVE DRIP FEED ALERT!!
Didn't think to put this in before because it feels totally Normal in our house but dp naps every afternoon after work. He says he is tired so he goes for a nap. This can mean 30 mins, or 3 hours. Sometimes he misses dinner cos he is sleeping

The op didn't do the washing up by 3pm after a busy day. Hardly a crime. Yanbu apart from swearing but understandable. Agree move thread to relationships.

Yesterday I got up, got DS to nursery, came home and went back to bed until it was time to collect him. Then I took root on the sofa while he trashed the living room. By the time DH got home I'd managed to do absolutely bugger all, so he went out and got pizza for tea.

Sometimes chronic sleep deprivation catches up but the world keeps turning if the chores aren't done.

I can't believe that, five pages into this thread, people are still discussing the washing-up as if it's relevant. As if not completing some household chore is any sort of excuse for speaking to another human being like that.
OP, I would have told him to fuck off as well if I'd come home to that after a day of minding small children.

I can't believe that, five pages into this thread, people are still discussing the washing-up as if it's relevant. As if not completing some household chore is any sort of excuse for speaking to another human being like that

Absolutely! Yet there are still some being acting like utter knobs telling us how easily they manage it all as though OP deserved what she got!

The way your DH spoke about 'your' housework throughout is horrible, truly dreadful. Even if you often leave dishes undone, that is no way to regard you or speak to you.

From your later posts it seems this is the context-he is allowed to speak to you as he pleases and need not apologise for losing his temper. That is completely skewed.

I think you didn't handle his onslaught especially well, but then I ask myself how you could have handled it so things went better and strongly suspect there is no such way.

The later insults put the whole thing beyond doubt- the way he speaks to you and thinks of you is seriously messed up-disgusting, really. Who the hell does that to a spouse who played with his child rather than wash up? It is just disproportionate and weird, unless of course your husband is using housework as a stick to beat you with.

Time for some serious thinking about what to do next.

I don't think the rights and wrongs of leaving the washing up is actually all that relevant. It's the totally over the top way your DH reacted. The things he said should never be said. Yes you swore, and you shouldn't have, but he laid into you first.

There are lots of things that I do that annoys DH, and vice versa, but we deal with them calmly.

I can't believe the posters calling you lazy for leaving the washing up!!! It's washing up FFS. There was still plenty of time left for you to do it, it's not your fault your husband decided he had to do it there and then.
To have a nap when you are sleep deprived is totally reasonable and so is playing with your child instead of doing the washing up. Your husband did not pick up his clothes, you did not do the washing up- you are even.
And for the posters having at to at you for swearing at your husband ignore. It's called the heat of the moment and you are not a bad person for it.
Your husband on the other hand sounds like a bit of a dick

A 1yo naps fairly regularly, and can be quite easily contained behind a stairgate when awake, or kept occupied in whatever room you're in

What you mean is your 1 year old takes naps fairly regularly and can be contained in a room. Mine were up and about from morning till night running around climbing anything that was there, throwing themselves off sofas, windowsills and tables or doing there next favourite pastime emptying any cupboard drawer or shelf they could find. I could not take my eyes off ds especially for a moment. The only time I did because I was rescuing his sister from one end of a swimming pool he took off and threw himself into the deep end. Ds walked at 9 months and was running and climbing by 10 months. My house would have been an ideal candidate for Kim and Aggie. If my dh had said anything I think I would have screamed blue murder at him and thrown the dishes in a bin bag myself. Paper plates are so much more practical.

I do love the idea that children of any age amuse themselves whilst mummy is doing something. I was at the gym one day and a lady was holding onto her about 18month old ds by the wrist whilst struggling to put on her knickers. She let go of him for a second and turned to get something from her locker and he was off out of the changing rooms past reception and out into the carpark pursued by his braless mother in nothing but a pair of knickers and a gym towel clutched to her chest.

Thanks Olivers.... I was beginning to think maybe there is something wrong with my kids as DS naps once a day, can be anywhere from 30 mins to 3 hours but it's usually around 1 hour. And if I leave him alone for even a minute he's climbing, pulling, getting stuck etc.
If I take him in the kitchen he's in the oven, in the bin - I have no cupboard I can put it in - or crying at the door to get out. Getting his fingers stuck under the oven/freezer/washing machine. Pulling my trousers down, biting my legs etc.

DP decided to do HIS washing up (basically he is now washing stuff as he uses it which is pathetic) and then yelled at me because DS was in their with him and trying to open the oven and he basically said 'can't you see I'm trying to do something and I can't look after him right now! Take him away!!'
So I just stared and said 'this is what it's like for me ALL DAY. I don't have anyone I can dump him on so I can wash up. I have to stop every 30 seconds to move him again' and he just huffed and muttered under his breath.

Well you made a good point in your last post op. He seems to have double standards on a lot of things.

I don't know about this. Rtft yesterday, and felt that it sounds as though your dh is abusive. It's worth remembering that if someone is being abused it tends to suck the rationality out of you, and you can end up upset or shouting back very quickly.

None of this is good for your dc though op, and continuing in a state of tension and arguing certainly isn't. I would consider whether it is best to call it a day or whether counselling might help. I know it's not recommended in abusive situations so it's up to you to weigh up whether you think this describes your relationship, or if it is just a communication problem/ lack of understanding for each other.

Oliver'smummy your post is brilliant. I'm sorry I laughed as it can't have been funny at the time.

I am wohm but don't work as long hours as dh. I find it very important to make sure I do work longer hours than him from time to time or that he is alone with dc whilst teyi g to get things done sometimes (DS is 19 months). He needs these times to remember how hard it is to get stuff done with a toddler at your heels whilst trying to supervise year 2 homework. If you don't show them they don't know!

However if op is in abusive relationship (hard to tell at moment) none of this wi help.

Also I find the idea that the working parent shouldn't be deprived of sleep while the sahm sucks it up incredible (depending on job). I feel much more tired if sleep deprived looking after kids than if sleep deprived at work. Looking after kids is very responsible job and you can't do it exhausted. Plus what is the basis for saying sahm should get up? Usually because they may get a nap while wohm will not. But if you then say they can't have a nap it becomes nonsense!

Ps I hate the word nap.

Having read all the updates, the relationship doesn't sound good. Your DP sounds as though he needs to manage his anger better.
I think in the specific argument you were both at fault, but having read the backstory, I can see why you got angry with him.

Is there the opportunity to discuss this rationally with him? Not in an accusatory manner but 'When you do X, I feel Y" type thing? Also, you need to reset the budget.

When I had DD, DH was working. He took some time off in the first few weeks but had to go back to work after that. At the time we were living in a 1st floor flat. Washing still had to be done. I'd had a C-Sec so couldn't lift stuff. I did most of the evening shift with DD when she was tiny, but he had to do his share, on top of a day at work. So he'd come home, lug baskets of washing outdoors, and mop floors, etc.
I did plan my day around sleep too. DD had two daytime sleeps. In the morning one, I'd do light jobs around the house - anything essential. Sometimes I'd put the dishes in to soak, just so it broke the chore up. (They didn't always get washed either). I couldn't hoover, so I used to prep dinner, but there were days when nothing got done around the house.

As Oliversmummy says, some children can't entertain themselves. This makes everything doubly difficult. I liked the playpen until DD figured out how to climb out of it!

"I am firmly in the 'he is emotionally abusive' camp.

I jut find myself doubting myself constantly as to what is or is not unreasonable behaviour on my behalf. I struggle constantly to know whether I have over reacted or under reacted.
I didn't come here though to hash out the abusive nature of my relationship so again, I don't see this drip feeding."

I was a bit surprised and confused by this comment, OP. So you know he is abusive. But you're still asking whether he is unreasonable? Of course he's unreasonable, he's abusive!

If you post in AIBU without giving the context, you are going to get a mixture of replies, not all helpful. Having said that, it's become increasingly clear that he is definitely abusive, both emotionally and financially. Please take some time to think about the impact of his abuse on you and your children. Do you really want to live like this? Do you want to show them that this is what relationships should be like? The longer you stay, the more you allow him to damage your self-esteem and your sense of what is normal or reasonable.

I urge you to contact Women's Aid and talk to someone in real life. You could also read the Lindy Bancroft book that people often recommend.