to have been quite rude and have sworn at him

[LittleMissLady]

Been mulling over this.

Came home from nursery run yesterday just before dinner time and found DP doing the washing up. He had also tided up the kids toys and picked up his dirty laundry that he had left in the hallway that morning.

He didn't even say hello. He just immediately jumped down my throat by saying, in a very angry aggressive manner 'do you think you could do the washing up sometimes so I don't have to do it when I get home. It was a huge pile and mess everywhere...'

I didn't hear the rest of what he had to say as I was so angry at the way he was speaking and the sheer cheek of t that I walked off to another room. He followed me and continued berating me about it and the general state of the flat so I actually did just look at him and say 'can you fuck off?'.
He got pretty angry at that. Said that my instant anger/annoyance at this and the fact that I had sworn so quickly were massive indicators of my guilt at having not done the housework so I could do nothing all day.

I had had a lengthy school tour in the morning after nursery drop off, then came home with 1 yr old DS, had lunch and a nap (not getting much sleep at night atm) and then played with DS til nursery collection time.

Things got said, he said I was taking him for a clown and treating him like an idiot because he works all day and then he HAS to do the housework when he gets home (he gets home around 2/3 so it's not late in the day) because I REFUSE to do it. He is the only one earning which apparently gives him license to demand answers and speak to me anyway he likes.

Sniping and backbiting progressed into him completely blanking me when I asked him a question (completely unrelated to any of the above he simply decided I didn't exist) and the argument went to a new level.
He called me a loser. A retard. A fucking bitch. Lazy. Worthless.
I was nothing before I met him. I was a loser and he made me into a woman. Without him I still am a loser.
Told me to go fuck myself. I have ruined his life.

I told him to FOTTFSOFATFOSM. which felt quite nice if I'm honest and we didn't say another word as he stormed off to bed leaving me with both kids who were understandably upset. Dd especially (she's 3)

He did say, at several points through out, that if I hadn't been so rude at the start and sworn at him (this was wrong of me but it's ok when he swears) then the argument would never have happened. Apparently I decided to get upset and sensitive over something that was perfectly reasonable for him to say.
So, WIBU to walk off and then swear?

Maybe this is an ongoing issue though. Doing your best and doing nothing at all....ever is 2 different things

OP has clearly said that she normally does stuff but that sometimes there are exceptions.

Everyone who is calling the op lazy, I doubt that the ops dp is not getting up and down in the night to look after the children. Until you have not had a decent nights sleep for a couple of years then don't call the op lazy.

Can I ask if he was not able to do the washing up on his own without calling for your help to look after your little one how did he expect you to do it on your own.

I really don't think you were unreasonable to take a nap if you're only getting 3-4 hours of broken sleep a night. Ito important that you look after your physical and mental well-being, and yes, the washing not being done is a pain but not the end of the world. It could have waited until later in the day, I can't see why everyone is getting so worked up about it! Also, if your DH is coming home at 3, then he has got time to help around the house too!

Oh dear.
I cannot believe the hard time the OP is getting on here. It is not acceptable to verbally abuse your partner. Of course she is going to defend herself against any insults. No it is not good for the kids to witness it however he started it when he laid into her about the dishes. He could have been civil about it and discussed it like adults. The way he went about it was not on.

Tbh, if he leaves dirty washing about I'd feel like doing fuck all in the house as well.

(and I'm not saying that OP does FA)

I'd like to think that I never used to leave a trail of toys for people to trip ove, but the constant putting the same things away for them the be constantly got out..

And I wash the pots when I want to!

I make sure that stuff is stacked & not scattered everywhere, & that there's stuff that could still be used if a drink/snack is required.

But really, is he doing this everyday?

As someone said, he picked up his own clothes, picked up after his kids & washed up everyones pots.

More than likely after a meal that OP had cooked...?

A lot of the replies on this thread are depressingly typical of AIBU.

You begrudge the OP a nap while her DCs are at nursery, when she's up half the night looking after them?

Apparently the fact that the OP told her partner to "fuck off" (out of earshot of the DCs) makes her just as bad as him aggressively screaming abuse at her in front of them?!

You'd have to be deaf or a saint not to resort to some kind of swearing in response to this vile man.

OP, my advice to you would be to post in relationships, which is much more supportive.

Well said AnotherEmma I was also astounded at how rude some of the posters were to the OP.

To everyone questioning the mentions of abuse - re-read these (all direct quotes from the OP):

"He called me a loser. A retard. A fucking bitch. Lazy. Worthless.
I was nothing before I met him. I was a loser and he made me into a woman. Without him I still am a loser.
Told me to go fuck myself. I have ruined his life.

He did say, at several points through out, that if I hadn't been so rude at the start and sworn at him (this was wrong of me but it's ok when he swears) then the argument would never have happened. Apparently I decided to get upset and sensitive over something that was perfectly reasonable for him to say.

He did scream abuse at me in front of them. [the DC]

I don't think it's right for me to have said 'can you duck off?' But I'm so tired of having my head ripped off cos he's had a shit day at work and then being told I'm lazy and using him for money.

He's gives me 'X' a month. By the time rent, bills, food etc are paid there's nothing left so I don't have money for myself. And he was the one who wanted me not to work.

I don't bother to hurl insults as all that serves is that his ones get nastier. I am usually saying things like 'can you stop please' or defending myself."

So there is:

• frequent and disproportionate verbal abuse
• the partner blaming the OP for provoking his abuse
• double standards (it's ok for him to swear, not ok for her)
• financial control: he's stopped her working (limiting her financial independence) and does not give her full access to what should be shared resources

If people reading this don't think these are red flags or signs of abuse... Well you need to do some reading on the Women's Aid website.

I would never ever ever take criticism from my DH like this. Nor would I have to. You look after the kids. He goes out to work. Blimey, I can remember having pre schoolers and the house regularly looked like the burglars had been. If my husband had dared talk to me like that, he would find the locks changed when he got back the next day. Looking after kids is exhausting. My husband regularly said going to work was a break. At least he got to sit on a train for an hour, not to mention an actual lunch Break! Your DP was horrid, but then I can't think if anything constructive to say about what you could do. People tell me I'm lucky with my DH, but luck has nothing to do with it. I would never end up with a chauvinistic, offensive pig like your guy. Only thing that made me lose sympathy with you though. I can't believe you were talking to each other like that in front of children.

Agree with AnotherEmma. Yes, your DP sounds abusive, 'telling you off' like this is a clear red flag, trying to undermine and control you. You should not have to deal with this. Maybe get some support and help from friends or agency if explaining to him what you have to do during the day to be a good mum doesn't make him see sense. By the way, all those posters that think washing up is so terribly important, when I was looking after my kids, as far as I was concerned, that was my full time job. Housework just didn't happen unless they were asleep or I could do it with a sling on my front. Yes, I played with my kids during most of their waking hours. Odd, but thought my child's development more important than the dusting. OP, please ignore all the super mums who keep a lovely house and never have porridge down their lovely accessorised scarves.

Interesting that the OP only drip-fed the stuff about the financial control after being told she was being slightly U.

Ah here comes the drip-feeding accusation.
Let's play AIBU bingo!

Wasn't an intentional drip feed. Didn't feel it was relative to the original post.
It was more in response to other posters asking questions and saying about abuse.

I didn't see it as financial control, I just saw it as a tiny budget. But in response to someone who asked how much he has for himself, probably 3-400 a month. But you see I was the one who set the budget as we worked out how much was needed to run the house and didn't add on any cash for myself.

I have just remembered that he said last night 'the next time I see the side piled up with washing I won't do it, I'll just throw it all in the bin. Do you understand?'
So that probably served to anger me somewhat.

Tiffany Most of the stuff was in her OP. Even if she hadn't said anything about the financial control he still had no right to speak to her like that. She was not being unreasonable in the first place. He was the one that called her all these names over having to do a bit of washing up and it was he who started the whole argument. I cannot believe that she deserves the abuse he gave her.

Ignore the bullshit accusations, OP. Most people understand you weren't drip-feeding FFS.

Do you see now that it is financial control? That it's not normal for him to have £300-£400 spare cash every month to spend on himself, while you have nothing, and no say?

I think no matter how tired you are, if you are the one staying at home all day, doing the washing up needs to get done. What the Op's dp said was awful but her initial response was pretty shit too.
I earn a small amount working part time. Dh works from home but earns a six figure salary. He does the washing up so I don't come home from work to a full sink or dishwasher. I really appreciate that because I hate coming home to get a smelly kitchen sink, perhaps like the Op's dp. A relationship is about mutual respect and consideration.

^ OMG RTFT

I have RTFT and I don't think either partner comes off particularly well.

you've missed my point, Minecraft. going purely on the information given, it sounds like this could be an abusive situation. In which case AIBU is not the right place for this thread and the OP should seek further advice/impartial information. The thought did cross my mind that she might have been giving as good as she got but didn't ask because it's none of my fucking business.

Even if she was, so what? It doesn't mean that this is not an abusive situation and in which case AIBU is not the right place for this and the OP should seek further advice/information.

THAT'S why it's irrelevant.

Read the extracts I posted above again. Even if you believe overall that there's no abuse going on, if you have even the slightest doubt then I can't see how you can disagree with the advice to seek an impartial opinion.

If there's anything more depressing than domestic abuse, it's other women telling the victims to just put up with it and do more housework.

AnotherEmma, if you hate AIBU so much, why do you keep posting in here and getting so wound up?

I think we're all in agreement here that OP's husband shouldn't have spoken to her like that and it was unacceptable. It really doesn't need to be continually reiterated. I still feel though that there are two sides to every story and jumping immediately to the 'abusive' label which by the way, is also very typical of the AIBU board and then attacking anyone who dares to have a differing opinion doesn't really help the OP.

OP do you find your husband oppressive and abusive? If so, you need to seek help and get out ASAP. If not, you need to sit down and discuss the fact that you are unhappy with the financial situation, and ways to communicate more effectively. It's really as simple as that.

As for the 'should OP have done the dishes or not' saga, I think that will just boil down to personal opinion/experience.

"If you hate AIBU so much, why do you keep posting in here and getting so wound up?"

I don't always hate AIBU, I just hate some of the awful replies.

And the reason I post is for people like this OP who needs sympathetic advice and voices of reason.

I am perfectly entitled to get annoyed about domestic abuse and the way some people ignore and minimise it.

If there's anything more depressing than domestic abuse, it's other women telling the victims to just put up with it and do more housework.

Exactly

Just because some have declared this an abusive situation doesn't mean that it 100% is. The OP has even said herself up there that she is the one who set the financial budget and didn't herself find it controlling! Who knows whether she has asked DH to increase this or whether she is just internally fuming about it? OP perhaps you could shed light on this.

Anyway Another you're entitled to your opinion/feelings just as others are entitled to disagree. I just don't know why we can't all do that without getting shirty.

I think OP has had some tough love as well as some sympathetic advice - Which is the beauty of MN.