to have been quite rude and have sworn at him

[LittleMissLady]

Been mulling over this.

Came home from nursery run yesterday just before dinner time and found DP doing the washing up. He had also tided up the kids toys and picked up his dirty laundry that he had left in the hallway that morning.

He didn't even say hello. He just immediately jumped down my throat by saying, in a very angry aggressive manner 'do you think you could do the washing up sometimes so I don't have to do it when I get home. It was a huge pile and mess everywhere...'

I didn't hear the rest of what he had to say as I was so angry at the way he was speaking and the sheer cheek of t that I walked off to another room. He followed me and continued berating me about it and the general state of the flat so I actually did just look at him and say 'can you fuck off?'.
He got pretty angry at that. Said that my instant anger/annoyance at this and the fact that I had sworn so quickly were massive indicators of my guilt at having not done the housework so I could do nothing all day.

I had had a lengthy school tour in the morning after nursery drop off, then came home with 1 yr old DS, had lunch and a nap (not getting much sleep at night atm) and then played with DS til nursery collection time.

Things got said, he said I was taking him for a clown and treating him like an idiot because he works all day and then he HAS to do the housework when he gets home (he gets home around 2/3 so it's not late in the day) because I REFUSE to do it. He is the only one earning which apparently gives him license to demand answers and speak to me anyway he likes.

Sniping and backbiting progressed into him completely blanking me when I asked him a question (completely unrelated to any of the above he simply decided I didn't exist) and the argument went to a new level.
He called me a loser. A retard. A fucking bitch. Lazy. Worthless.
I was nothing before I met him. I was a loser and he made me into a woman. Without him I still am a loser.
Told me to go fuck myself. I have ruined his life.

I told him to FOTTFSOFATFOSM. which felt quite nice if I'm honest and we didn't say another word as he stormed off to bed leaving me with both kids who were understandably upset. Dd especially (she's 3)

He did say, at several points through out, that if I hadn't been so rude at the start and sworn at him (this was wrong of me but it's ok when he swears) then the argument would never have happened. Apparently I decided to get upset and sensitive over something that was perfectly reasonable for him to say.
So, WIBU to walk off and then swear?

Op, did you forget to name change for your second post?

If so your husband sounds even more horrible, as though he expects a personal slave to pick up after him, free childcare while he's at work and to do no housework ever.

I'd make plans to leave as soon as you can.

For all the posters who think the op is BU, is it really OK to be called a 'retard' because you didn't do the dishes straight away? Would you accept that abuse from your own partner?

Wise up Venus.

It doesn't matter what sex the person at home is. If they're at home all day while the other person is at work then the general daily chores are theirs to do.

And I say that as a SAHM who manages to find time for the dishes, hoovering, laundry, making beds, cooking and wiping down the surfaces every day as well as watching loads of telly, drinking multiple brews and sometimes napping when the baby does.

I have it easier than my DP who goes to work every day. The very least I can do is prevent him from walking into a shit tip every evening.

OP, you need to have a open discussion about household chores and anything else you are disagreeing on, by the sounds of it you are not communicating properly which is understandable with two small kids and sleep deprivation.

You were in the wrong to walk out, he was trying to talk to you and you actually started the row by telling him to fuck off. Tbh I would be pissed off if I had come from work and no dishes had be done (20mins top?). Surely the school tour did not take all morning?

I second buying a dishwasher.

But it doesn't sound like that's what happened Coffee - it sounds like it was an insult shouted in the middle of a blazing row.

Not nice, but not indicative of abuse and nothing to call Women's Aid about.

If I posted my recent argument (I posted below) from my side only you'd have:

Dh and I were discussing an upcoming holiday recently and I mentioned that I thought we should book a certain event in advance, which he thought was a waste of time. He asked me in a shitty tone of voice 'why do you need to control things, lets just see what happens' so I told him not to speak to me like that. He got really angry, and it turned into an argument - he shouted at me that I was a controlling bitch and to go fuck myself. He was so angry he had to leave the house to stop himself from punching a wall and now i'm sitting here crying.

EA right? Only it's not...people are far too quick with the 'LTB' comments. Men are people too and they're no more perfect than we are!

Neither of you come out of this well tbh.

What Venus said. In SPADES. I'm not saying it's definitely an abusive situation but the way he hands out money (only enough to cover the bills. If deliberate this is clear financial abuse), and the appalling things he said to the OP in the first post are deeply worrying to me. I'm wondering if the people saying it's not abusive have actually read the posts closely enough.
And no ones said LTB yet, by the way. They've said 'hey this sounds worrying. Have you considered the possibility it could be abusive?'

Given the info here I think it's an important question to ask and I think the op deserves more than 'you should have done the washng up'

*He called me a loser. A retard. A fucking bitch. Lazy. Worthless.
I was nothing before I met him. I was a loser and he made me into a woman. Without him I still am a loser. *
Told me to go fuck myself. I have ruined his life.

I don't think it's right for me to have said 'can you duck off?' But I'm so tired of having my head ripped off cos he's had a shit day at work and then being told I'm lazy and using him for money.

He's gives me 'X' a month. By the time rent, bills, food etc are paid there's nothing left so I don't have money for myself. And he was the one who wanted me not to work.

Genuinely baffled how anyone can read the above quotes from the OP's posts and not see that this is a potentially abusive situation. Maybe it's nt, but if the slightest chance exists then absolutely the OP should consider the possibility and also seeking further impartial advice.

You were in the wrong to walk out, he was trying to talk to you and you actually started the row by telling him to fuck off

I think he started the row by going at the OP aggressively as soon as she got in the house. It sounds like she was walking out to try to stop things escalating. It doesn't sound as though he was trying to talk to her - more like trying to carry on having a go at her. And even in the middle of a blazing row about housework, my DH has never called me a retard or told me I'm nothing without him. Neither was I left short of money when on maternity leave.

But Burgrit, what was the op doing when he was saying those things? We don't know, so to jump on the 'abuse' bandwagon seems premature to me.

Was she standing in a corner, cowering whilst he rained verbal abuse down on her? Or was she as fired up as him, screaming her own choice language back?

The two situations are very different IMO.

Sorry but his initial anger sounds like this wasn't a one off and he is regularly coming home after working and having to pick up the slack. You then swore at him which resulted in a slanging match, all in front of your children! How disgusting.

I'd actually say you are more in the wrong as it sounds like he is doing a lot more than just going out to work and you don't appear to be doing a huge amount at home. Looking after children doesn't mean you are unable to get a few bits around the house done.

The swearing in front of the children is terrible. Find a better way to communicate with each other and keep arguments away from the children! There is no need for it.

I'm really surprised at a lot of the responses on here. I've been a SAHM for 3 years but haven't worked for 10 years due to circumstances. DH is out 5.45am-7.45pm mon-fri. He wouldn't dream of reprimanding me for not washing dishes or doing household chores. He knows I do my best and that's good enough, even when it's a bit rubbish.

OP did say that the children weren't in the room when she swore - although they may have heard of course.

It's different to what sounds like sustained, nasty words from the husband when the 3 year old was cowering in the same room.

As you say, we don't know what she was saying back at the time.

I really don't see that the OP never does things at home. She has said that sometimes stuff like washing up hasn't been done by 3pm when she has taken the children out.

Husband gets home at 3pm so I'm guessing he has an early start. It sounds that OP also has an early start or long 'shift' if she's only getting 3/4 hours sleep a night.

But Burgrit, what was the op doing when he was saying those things? We don't know, so to jump on the 'abuse' bandwagon seems premature to me.

How is what the OP was doing in any way relevant when the advice is 'this sounds like it could be abuse. Seek further advise.'?

And what purpose does demanding to know the answer to that question before giving that advise serve other than assuaging the gleeful need to tell a poster that she's in the wrong?

And how is saying 'this sounds like it could be abuse' is not exactly jumping on the abuse bandwagon, is it?

nottodaysatan
If you ever leave your husband please do look me up, you sound perfect.

I am interested to find put what Insults the OP through. She has skimmed those bits.

His comments are awful. But I wonder exactly what she said when they were shouting back and forth.

If this is an abusive relationship I would say it's on both sides.

If it's generally a good relationship, you both need to work together not against eachother.

I'm really surprised at a lot of the responses on here. I've been a SAHM for 3 years but haven't worked for 10 years due to circumstances. DH is out 5.45am-7.45pm mon-fri. He wouldn't dream of reprimanding me for not washing dishes or doing household chores. He knows I do my best and that's good enough, even when it's a bit rubbish.

Maybe this is an ongoing issue though. Doing your best and doing nothing at all....ever is 2 different things

"He called me a loser. A retard. A fucking bitch. Lazy. Worthless. I was nothing before I met him. I was a loser and he made me into a woman.Without him I still am a loser. Told me to go fuck myself. I have ruined his life"

Whatever the OP did, she didn't deserve this. It's very hard to come back from this sort of absolute condemnation.

There wasn't much shouting back and forth.

I didn't hurl insults at him.
I did repeatedly walk away and I also got yelled at when dp was trying to finish te washing up by DS was crawling towards the bin. DP yelled through the flat 'can you at the very least look after him so I can do this. I'm trying to do your housework and what you can't even watch the kids'
I was at that moment helping dd go to the toilet.

I don't bother to hurl insults as all that serves is that his ones get nastier. I am usually saying things like 'can you stop please' or defending myself

How is what the OP was doing in any way relevant when the advice is 'this sounds like it could be abuse. Seek further advise.'?

Of course it's relevant

If my dh screamed at me, out of the blue, that I was a cunt, a bitch, useless and to go fuck myself, that's pretty abusive.

If he screamed those things at me in response to me shouting that he was an arrogant, useless prick who was selfish and stupid then I think i'd be pretty - deserving - of that response tbh.

And that would make us both as bad as each other, not me the victim of abuse (presumably just because he's a man?)

gives me 'X' a month. By the time rent, bills, food etc are paid there's nothing left so I don't have money for myself. And he was the one who wanted me not to work.

How much money does he have for himself?

I'm quite shocked at the response the OP got, so bereft of empathy, cold, harsh...

nottoday Here's your medal for most amazing one-upmanship of the day!

The issue is not the housework, that's just the trigger for an eruption of bad feelings...How do you feel in your current situation, OP? Are you contented? Frustrated? How is you DP feeling? Is he worried about money, his job, anything else?

You both need to grow up. How is acceptable for adults to behave like that.

You are parents ffs. You will both end up as single parents if you carry on like this.

I you are both being unreasonable for having two kids so close together and then not apparently discussing how to cope with the results.

It isn't unreasonable to have not done the washing up if you are minding a 1 yo all day. It is unreasonable to discuss the issue while the kids are around. It is unreasonable to fight over it. Just sort it out like...I dunno...adults.

IF that isn't possible, because you can't reach agreement with your DH then maybe you should consider if this is a good environment to stay in...but it doesn't sound to me like you have tried yet.

Op this is really not OK.

If he is always like this, shouting abuse at you and going off the scale with demeaning abuse if you say so much as 'f off' in retaliation, controlling all your money, and demanding you keep a perfect house when the other adult in it is too lazy to pick their towel up off the floor, leave.

Minecraft I don't know about you but if my dh called me a 'retard' in the middle of an argument, in front of my child, I doubt I could ever forgive him. If you would be happy with this in your relationship that is up to you, but it is clear the op is upset at being spoken to like that, just because she swore at her husband for shouting at her. She was wrong to swear but he was largely cross because she hadn't tidied up his mess, the dishes were the only thing she may have been responsible for. But if she was responsible for them, surely it is up to her when she does them, as long as they are done before bed?

I think you're getting a rough ride here OP, and I can relate a bit because my DS was a shit sleeper and by the time he was 1, I was absolutely exhausted to the bone, not having slept more than 4-5 hrs a night(if that) for over a year. I used to nap in the day with him as it was the only way I could have survived, and sometimes the housework had to wait.
DH and I used to have blazing rows about this too, and looking back, I honestly believe it was the lack of sleep that made me so snippy. He would say something to me about how messy the house was, and instead of talking to him in a calm, rational way, I would lash out all of my anger and frustration at him and I told him to 'F' off a few times too- not proud of it. I was however up all night with DS, doing all the night feeds and I felt that my DH did not understand how hard I was finding things.

What I wish I had done, and what you should probably do too next time, is instead of lashing out, try and speak calmly to your hr DH, tell him how tired you are and how much you are doing in the day. From experience, if you start ranting and swearing at him then the whole situation escalates and it just becomes horrible.

That said, I think that some of the things that your DH said to you were completely out of order and it does make me a bit worried. Perhaps you need to sit down and have a 'chat' as it sounds like you have both got a lot of underlying resentment.