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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask you when moved in together with your DP?

145 replies

Inneedofadvice553 · 29/09/2015 14:03

My DP and I have been together for three years. Still living separately and only see each other at weekends and sometimes one night during the week. DP controls this as I have a DS from previous marriage.

Frankly I think we should have progressed and now be living together but have been advised that some people wait years to live together.

so can I ask how long did you wait to move in with your dp?
(to note my EXH and I waited a year)

OP posts:

MummaV · 29/09/2015 18:36

3 weeks 5 years later we've been married for 3 and have 6 month old DD.

I think you are making excuses for him. He isn't interested in making a real commitment and will continue stringing you along until he finds someone else. LTB.

Pidapie · 29/09/2015 18:43

My other half came to visit and didn't really leave much after that. But we officially moved together after 5 months (8 months after meeting) and still together now going on 6 years. I think the comment he made could be something that is not currently true? I've had flops where I have felt unsure about my relationship, but then it's calmed down and I've felt ok again. It might be a blip :)

Original poster

Inneedofadvice553 · 29/09/2015 19:50

Thanks for your replies. I have asked my dp to explain that comment

the response was "I love you, but im not it is something I want for life"

OP posts:

Original poster

Inneedofadvice553 · 29/09/2015 19:51

"I love you but im not sure it is something I want for life"

OP posts:

HellKitty · 29/09/2015 19:53

Shit. I'm so sorry. Hurts like hell but better to find out now than being dangled for another 1/3/5 years

Jeffreythegiraffe · 29/09/2015 19:53

OP, you deserve better. You are not in his long term plans.

ImperialBlether · 29/09/2015 20:12

OP, does he still live at home?

riverboat1 · 29/09/2015 20:15

It was 4 or 5 months. Partly due to very specific circumstances / financial stuff. But 6 years later and we're still going strong! I don't think that moving in together so quickly had any negative consequences.

riverboat1 · 29/09/2015 20:17

Woah, just saw this page's posts.

OP: could he just be very cautious by nature, rather than this being a specific thing about your relationship?

Doobigetta · 29/09/2015 20:20

About 15 months. We weren't really ready, tbh. I was quite happy doing a couple of nights at mine, a couple at his and a couple apart. But our hands were forced- my landlady gave me notice and I got made redundant so couldn't risk taking on a new place of my own. So I really felt terribly guilty that his incredibly generous bailout wasn't completely what I would have chosen at that stage. It all worked out in the end, but we did have a few tricky months while we worked out how to make it work.

Grapejuicerocks · 29/09/2015 21:34

I said that once as I genuinely wasn't sure. I only realised he was far to good to lose when he was about to walk away due to what I'd said.

You have no choice but to take him at his word and force his hand. You don't want to be hanging around for many more years and then it still ends.

Let him go. He'll realise pretty soon if he doesn't want to lose you but if it's the right thing for him, it's better you both realise it sooner rather than later.

MinecraftWonder · 29/09/2015 21:37

We got together at the end of May. I was pretty much 'living with' dh from about August, spending 5/7 nights at his flat. We officially moved in together in January and got our own flat, so after 6 months. I was 18 and he was 21.

Looking back it seems ridiculously young and soon but we're now married with two dc and have been together for 11 years.

tillytown · 29/09/2015 21:42

5 weeks, but only because he hated my flatmates, and I refused to go to his flat share because it was infested with cockroaches.
In hindsight, we should have waited longer, those first few months were hell.

Bluecarrot · 29/09/2015 23:16

Really sorry OP. Hope you can move on and find someone amazing.

Katedotness1963 · 30/09/2015 05:45

When we got married. We'd been dating then engaged for three years before that. Now married 30 years.

ButterflyUpSoHigh · 30/09/2015 06:38

Immediately too. 19 years later still happy.

Onthepigsback · 30/09/2015 06:55

I think it was 2-3 yrs. We are both cautious people and wanted to be sure. I would have been quicker than him though if he'd been up for it. I'd lived with a boyfriend before whereas he was already 34 and never had made that commitment to anyone. It was nice that he wasn't the type to live with someone lightly.

Troika · 30/09/2015 06:55

3 years. Used to see each other 2/3/4 times a week before then.

I had children and worried about the impact on them. Also worried about how the finances would work out as I earn a lot less than him.

He took longer to want to live together. Mainly having to take on such a big role in my dcs lives.

Once he wanted it though he was fully committed, wheels were put in motion andit has been pretty much plain sailing ever since. Couldn't ask for a better step dad figure for my DC.

Beforehand I did get frustrated at it seeming to be on his terms and worried he was controlling but after a big blow up at him I realised he was just a bit scared and was trying to make absolutely sure it was right for all of us.

MrsTedCrilly · 30/09/2015 09:21

A month before we got together

AyeAmarok · 30/09/2015 14:09

OP I think you should move this thread or repost in relationships.

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