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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask you when moved in together with your DP?

145 replies

Inneedofadvice553 · 29/09/2015 14:03

My DP and I have been together for three years. Still living separately and only see each other at weekends and sometimes one night during the week. DP controls this as I have a DS from previous marriage.

Frankly I think we should have progressed and now be living together but have been advised that some people wait years to live together.

so can I ask how long did you wait to move in with your dp?
(to note my EXH and I waited a year)

OP posts:
Original poster
Inneedofadvice553 · 29/09/2015 14:16

He also says he "doesn't know if I am the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with and have babies"

I think after three years he should know that. He claims he is just being "cautious" and that he "is committed long term"

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 29/09/2015 14:16

We're childfree but still took a long time to take the plunge Smile I was a bit wary of giving up my independence - my parents have a horrendous marriage and I was scared of the commitment and having someone in my space all the time. It's taken a bit of getting used to and I'm very glad we waited until we knew each other well before moving in together.

Tiggeryoubastard · 29/09/2015 14:18

Why do you feel the need to live with someone who you're obviously not in a very stable relationship with, Inneed? And why take that risk with a child?

BeeMyBaby · 29/09/2015 14:19

Two years, by which time we were married, prior to this we would see each other every weekend and about twice during the week.

Original poster
Inneedofadvice553 · 29/09/2015 14:21

I love him a lot and want to have kids with him

He controls when he sees me as I am trapped in my house in the evening with my ds. my ds father only sees my ds every other weekend and then I have more freedom but often not with my business and childcare arrangements

He claims he wants to have kids too with me

OP posts:
Original poster
Inneedofadvice553 · 29/09/2015 14:23

is it normal to say after three years that he doesn't know if he wants me to be his life partner?

My only experience before this was a 7 year marriage where this was declared very early on so I am a bit clueless and naieve :(

OP posts:
MrsGentlyBenevolent · 29/09/2015 14:26

Took us 4 years, however it would have been sooner if I hadn't been dragged into a huge family thing that took almost three years to 'end'. There was never a question of it happening, just my life kept getting in the way. Sometimes we wouldn't see each other for up to 6 weeks at a time - really wasn't easy, even though we knew (and still do) it was the 'real deal' for us. Sounds to me like your partner is enjoying both being in a relationship and keeping his single man life, it will probably have to come to 'make or break' sooner rather than later.

Tiggeryoubastard · 29/09/2015 14:26

I don't know if its normal. I knew we'll before then, as did my partner. But it's not normal to be desperate to move in with someone who just isn't that committed. You should be looking after yours and your child's interests.

Muckogy · 29/09/2015 14:26

He also says he "doesn't know if I am the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with and have babies".
How considerate of him. he's telling you he doesn't love you, you realise that, don't you?
i would not want to move in with a man for whom I am only an option, and whom he is only deigning to be with.
but then i'm proud and never wanted to be that woman for whom a man would say "oh well, i suppose she'll do............. i suppose i'll just have to settle for her."
i'm better off on my own than being someone's least worst option.

penguinplease · 29/09/2015 14:27

Don't move in with him. If he doesn't know now and is controlling the dynamics of your relationship it will not improve if you do live together.

I wouldn't waste anymore time while he uses you as a diversion until he does meet the person he wants to be with.
Believe you deserve better, he sounds like a knob.

BathshebaDarkstone · 29/09/2015 14:27

We'd known each other 7.5 years, been together 2.5 years.

HellKitty · 29/09/2015 14:28

He also says he "doesn't know if I am the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with and have babies"

LTB now. And to answer your last post, no it's not normal. He's trying to warn you what he's really like. Listen to that, don't think you can change him or he'll come around eventually or a surprise pregnancy will turn him into a wonderful daddy. He is who is is now. You and your DS deserve better.

Mulligrubs · 29/09/2015 14:29

We'd been together 18 months when we moved in together. I got pregnant with DS after 12 months together so pretty quickly! Still together nearly 4 years later with DD due in a matter of weeks and very happy.

OP, has he said he isn't sure he wants you as his life partner? Certainly after a few years I'd expect him to know.

StarlingMurmuration · 29/09/2015 14:30

Just less than a year - but we had no kids then. And if he'd said that to me when discussing our future together, I'd have told him to go fuck himself, frankly.

Tiggeryoubastard · 29/09/2015 14:31

Muckogy I read your name as Muckology, would have been a perfect description for my boys efforts when they were small. Grin

GinandJag · 29/09/2015 14:31

When we got married.

Mulligrubs · 29/09/2015 14:31

Sorry OP just read that he has said he isn't sure...I'd have to LTB in your shoes, it's been years and he seems to be stringing you along.

JohnCusacksWife · 29/09/2015 14:32

We moved in together one week before our wedding after 4 years together. I didn't want to live together before we got married and I certainly wouldn't have wanted to live with someone if it wasn't a "forever" relationship. He doesn't sound sure that your relationship is forever so I don't really understand why you'd want to move in with him esp with a child around.

Unreasonablebetty · 29/09/2015 14:32

There's always a difference in relationships. I was with my daughters dad for 5 years, the last year of our relationship I moved out of my parents and there was no way that he was allowed to live with me.

2nd relationship. Within 2weeks I was going to move in with him.

3rd relationship, took him 6 months to start spending most of his time with me, but we've been together 4 years and 8 months now

Every relationship is different, whatever feels right to you both.

Good luck

flowery · 29/09/2015 14:33

"He also says he "doesn't know if I am the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with and have babies"."

Why do you want to move in with him then? Confused

Lottapianos · 29/09/2015 14:35

No, it's not 'normal' for him to be this unsure 3 years in. 3 years is plenty of time to figure out whether you see a future with someone. He's telling you he doesn't see a future with you - he's just saying it in a cowardly way. Listen to him. It doesn't sound like this is the right relationship for you.

Original poster
Inneedofadvice553 · 29/09/2015 14:35

because he says he is committed long term, but that he is cautious about moving in as it is a big step

OP posts:
Original poster
Inneedofadvice553 · 29/09/2015 14:36

what is LTB?

OP posts:
DrDreReturns · 29/09/2015 14:37

6 months! Been together 16 years now!
We only moved in together when we did because we were both looking for accommodation at the same time (we had to get out of our University accommodation at the same time), and just ended up renting somewhere together.

RufusTheReindeer · 29/09/2015 14:37

Never lived with him. Moved in with him after we were married

We had been going out together for nearly 4 years by then

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