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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask you when moved in together with your DP?

145 replies

Inneedofadvice553 · 29/09/2015 14:03

My DP and I have been together for three years. Still living separately and only see each other at weekends and sometimes one night during the week. DP controls this as I have a DS from previous marriage.

Frankly I think we should have progressed and now be living together but have been advised that some people wait years to live together.

so can I ask how long did you wait to move in with your dp?
(to note my EXH and I waited a year)

OP posts:

Kim82 · 29/09/2015 14:38

Met in the feb, started a proper relationship in May, moved in together in July, engaged and pregnant by December. It did move very quickly considering I already had 2 children from a previous relationship but 10 years on we're still happy together, been married 6.5 years and have two beautiful girls of our own. Definitely a case of when you know, you know for us.

Unreasonablebetty · 29/09/2015 14:38

Sorry, I've just read through the rest of the thread "he isn't sure he wants you as his life partner?!"

He shouldn't really have that choice, being given three years of your life, and he's been around tour child for this long....
He is a slime ball to have stayed around so long without being sure. In your position I would say to him, if you aren't sure then that's fine. But you need to go figure that out----over there, whilst I get on with my life, without you. M

Room101isWhereIUsedToLive · 29/09/2015 14:38

Leave the Bastard...

TheRadiantAerynSun · 29/09/2015 14:39

For me it was 7 yrs. DH and I met really young and I wanted to have fun on my own before settling down. We've been together 20yrs.

But for me if, after 3yrs in a grown up relationship, someone was to say "doesn't know if I am the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with and have babies" I would read that as they were just hanging on till something better came along.

Which isn't really OK if you don't feel the same way too.

RufusTheReindeer · 29/09/2015 14:39

Sorry pressed post too early

I would agree with others who have said that he doesn't sound keen to move in

I think 3 years is too long

Original poster

Inneedofadvice553 · 29/09/2015 14:39

HE hasn't said he is opposed to it, that he is "warming to the idea" and he has discussed it with a family member recently. I don't agree it is normal either. I am stuck between wanting to wait for him and wanting to run.

OP posts:

HellKitty · 29/09/2015 14:41

LTB - Leave The Bastard

He's stringing you along. He has sex once a weekend without having to play at being part of a family, DS at his dad's. He doesn't want the commitment of your DS.

Years ago I would have been like you now. Now however I give a cheery 'FUCK YOU THEN!'. Don't waste any more time trying to be everything to someone who thinks nothing of you.

helenahandbag · 29/09/2015 14:41

I knew him for a couple of years before we officially got together, and we lived about an hour apart for the first year so only saw each other on weekends. I got a new job and moved into his (rented) flat two days before our one year anniversary.

It has been two and a bit years since then and we're getting married in April.

PurpleDaisies · 29/09/2015 14:42

If he is controlling you now, why on earth do you think moving in together will change that? If there are already problems in your relationship living together will probably make them worse. You have your kids to think about as well.

Don't move in with this guy until you sort your issues out.

I moved in with my dh when we got married about 18monthd after we got together.

HellKitty · 29/09/2015 14:43

Warming to the idea?

You warm soup, you warm slippers. You DON'T warm to the possibility of being in a committed relationship with a child.

Give me his number, I'll tell him!

Muckogy · 29/09/2015 14:45

i suppose you could always move in with him. why not?
except..........
he'll only be always looking over your shoulder eyeing up what he thinks are the better options out there. he'll always have one foot out the door and that will be on a permanent basis until he eventually goes for good. he will pick fights, get angry and rant about calling it a day with you but will be too chicken-shit to make an adult decision.
you'll never be sure of him and how he feels about you.
but maybe he'll stay another while because he knows there is sex to be had and he has it on tap with you because you're his partner.
but he'll leave you in the end, of course. they always do. even having his baby won't stop him bailing eventually.

i would absolutely dump his fucking ass. immediately.

SevenSeconds · 29/09/2015 14:45

LTB is leave the bastard

DH and I had been together for 5 years and were engaged by the time we moved in together. That was partly because we were young (met age 22) and didn't want to get serious too quickly, and also because he was working abroad for a couple of years in that time. We've been together 18 years now.

So I don't think 3 years is too long. But it does sounds as if you might be keener than him. Does he show he loves you and is serious about you in other ways?

Original poster

Inneedofadvice553 · 29/09/2015 14:52

I am not desparete to move in with him now, I would like to in a year. I am hung up on the comment he made about not knowing if I am his life partner.

he is very loving in other ways and we do spend good time together and holiday together with my DS etc.

he says he feels oppressed in our relationship sometimes and he is worried he will do all the time if he moves in

OP posts:

Muckogy · 29/09/2015 14:53

Tiggeryoubastard

Original poster

Inneedofadvice553 · 29/09/2015 14:53

I should add he is 4 years older me and has never lived with a partner long term. he is 34.

OP posts:

Number3cometome · 29/09/2015 14:54

6 months.

We now have a DC together (I already had two from a previous relationship) and we are very happy

Muckogy · 29/09/2015 14:56

i would not give another year to someone who doesn't love me.
he's telling you he doesn't want you!
you make me sad - OP. god help you.

Gottagetmoving · 29/09/2015 14:57

10 years. We both had exes and children and were happy to live apart. I met him soon after I split with my ex so I was happy to be living without a partner and he had recently split up with his ex so he did not want to rush into anything.
Time just passed by. We never had a 'plan' and neither of us wanted more children.

helenahandbag · 29/09/2015 14:57

He is a knob and you deserve so much better. Please don't be hung up on his comments, just make his decision for him by being strong enough to walk away.

No way would I sit around waiting to be chosen by someone who wasn't sure about me after three fucking years.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 29/09/2015 14:58

because he says he is committed long term, but that he is cautious about moving in as it is a big step

He's commited long term to how he wants this relationship to go, the way it works for him. Anyone really commited wouldn't see moving in together after a few years as a "big step", they would see it as a natural progression of the relationship (unless both parties involved are happier with the seperate lives thing, but that is usually established by now).

PurpleDaisies · 29/09/2015 14:58

I'm not sure his never having lived with a partner before is particularly relevant-neither have lots of people.

It sounds like you need a serious talk about where your relationship is going. Feeling oppressed really isn't good and if he's unhappy and you're unhappy I can't figure why you're together.

NotAnotherMonday · 29/09/2015 14:59

I was with my Dp 2 and half years before we moved in together. We were engaged though. Would have been longer but I got pregnant via contraception failure, so were kinda forced together.

Moved in together in March this year when I was 28weeks pregnant. It's working out ok so far though he's harder to live with than I first thought.

MissMarpleCat · 29/09/2015 15:01

Has he said he loves you?
I think you're wasting your time with him. He 'controls' when he sees you, feels oppressed by your relationship. It doesn't sound like he has any consideration for your feelings. Don't have kids with someone who treats you like this, it will be a disaster.

penguinplease · 29/09/2015 15:02

You're making excuses for him. If he wanted you then 3 years together is plenty of time to know that.
This will not end well

Gottagetmoving · 29/09/2015 15:02

If you are not bothered about moving in with him now but would like to in a years time, you need to make this clear to him.
You have to decide if it is a deal breaker and be prepared to walk away if he does not feel the same as you do.
I think it is better than he is honest with you rather than move in with doubts but it is up to you to decide if you are prepared to carry on indefinitely the way you are and it sounds as if you are not.

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