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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you when moved in together with your DP?

145 replies

Inneedofadvice553 · 29/09/2015 14:03

My DP and I have been together for three years. Still living separately and only see each other at weekends and sometimes one night during the week. DP controls this as I have a DS from previous marriage.

Frankly I think we should have progressed and now be living together but have been advised that some people wait years to live together.

so can I ask how long did you wait to move in with your dp?
(to note my EXH and I waited a year)

OP posts:
Dynomite · 29/09/2015 16:10

We moved in together after 9 months. The average among our friends seems to be 1-3 years. However, your DP sounds like he's stringing you along, waiting for someone 'better' to come along.

thegiddylimit · 29/09/2015 16:12

I have only lived with DH, we met when we were students and spent all our time together but didn't officially live together (i.e. pay rent for the same property) until we'd been together for 3 years, we moved in together when we graduated (PhD students so we were in our late 20s). There is no way I would have lived with someone who wasn't the person I wanted to be with forever. We got engaged after a few months of living together and got married a year later (so we'd been together 5 years at that point, have been married 15 years now).

But this is all irrelevant, this man doesn't want to live with you and doesn't see his future with you. So cut your losses and end the relationship and find someone who thinks you are amazing and wants to spend all his time with you and your DS.

Jackiebrambles · 29/09/2015 16:20

Good god op, you need to end this now. Don't waste your time on someone who is just waiting for something better to come along! Fuck him!

Fwiw my dh and I moved in after 13 months together. We were mid 30s. We got married a year later, and have 2 kids now.

HellKitty · 29/09/2015 16:26

Have you ever stayed at his?

Jeffreythegiraffe · 29/09/2015 16:29

Two years.

He is stringing you along. Two years before babies is just something he's saying. It's putting it off and hoping you'll forget about it.

He doesn't want to move in, he isn't sure he wants to be with you long term and he doesn't want babies. FGS don't move in with him. Listen to what he's saying.

What's that quote about if a man tells you who he is, listen? Listen to him op.

middleagedfaffer · 29/09/2015 16:32

Almost 12 months to the day for us. Best thing I've ever done Smile

middleagedfaffer · 29/09/2015 16:43

Also, I agree with the majority, this guy really isn't committed to you; seems like he finds the relationship the way it is now is how he wants it to stay. Unless he finds someone else he does want to commit to, unfortunately for you. Sad Is be having serious doubts about continuing the relationship, if I were you.

goblinhat · 29/09/2015 16:50

My OH moved in with me 2 weeks after we started our romantic relationship.

To be fair I had known him 6 years before that as he was my best friend's brother- although never dated during that time.
We are still together 19 years later.

Whoknewitcouldbeso · 29/09/2015 16:50

I'd only known him a couple of months, fell pregnant and moved in. Everybody thought we were crazy. Four years later we are expecting number two, engaged and EXTREMELY happy Grin

Orangeisthenewbanana · 29/09/2015 16:52

3 years. Though 6-8 months of that was waiting for his brother to sort out his new place (they owned the flat together).

Newlywed56 · 29/09/2015 16:52

6 weeks lol, looking back now it seems crazy but worked for us, married and a baby within the next 6 years (students at 19 at the time Wink)

It actually seems like yesterday!

regasu · 29/09/2015 16:59

Moved in after 5 years together - we moved in at the same time we got married. I wasn't prepared to live together unless we were married, and it took 4 years for me to agree to getting engaged, then another year to prepare for the wedding.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 29/09/2015 17:08

About 8 months - desperate to move in together and spent every night together anyway. We'd just finished uni and had no kids then, though.

However, what reads strangely to me in this thread is that in these circumstances, where the OP has a son from a previous relationship, it is not her who is worrying about the impact on her child, it is the man worrying about the impact the child will have on him! Those aren't the thoughts of a mature person.

LilaTheTiger · 29/09/2015 17:09

Met in the September. Discussed living together at the end of January. Found a house in April. He moved a 5hr drive from his home to be with me and my kids. That was 3 yrs ago. All super.

Your chap, on the other hand, sounds tremendously hard work. Why do you want to be with someone so unsure. I'd bin him and find someone who loves you. Sorry Sad

LineyReborn · 29/09/2015 17:33

I think I would let this one go.

ElizabethGaskell · 29/09/2015 17:52

I was in a relationship until recently with someone who was stringing me along saying things like "I'll be ready to live together soon" but never actually willing to take steps towards it. I would say finish with him and move on!

AlfAlf · 29/09/2015 18:05

Dh and I moved in together after 1.5 years of long distance relationship, shortly after we got engaged. I was quite clear about what I wanted from a relationship from quite early on (a loving relationship with lots of affection, commitment, and eventually siblings for my dd), having had several disappointing relationships/failed attempts at relationships in the past.

I too think you should tell him to hop it, op. If he's then utterly bereft and realises that you are in fact wonderful and he's damn lucky to get to breathe the same air, then grand, consider him. But don't let him call all the shots, and treat you and your DC some potential millstone or impediment to his precious independence. It's like he thinks he's some kind of prize, and after three whole fucking years he still can't decide if you deserve him. He is a prize, a prize dick, and you deserve better than the crumbs he's offering.

He's not a bad person, but he doesn't sound like good relationship material.

chrome100 · 29/09/2015 18:06

Officially - about a year. I was living with a mate at the time who decided he was going to move in with his girlfriend, so DP asked me to move in with him. But in reality I was sleeping there most nights since we first met.

FortyFacedFuckers · 29/09/2015 18:10

Just under 2 years, a couple of weeks before our DS was born.

ValancyJane · 29/09/2015 18:17

Nine months before we moved in together. Now two and a half years on, we co-own a house and I'm very happily pregnant. :)

PennyPants · 29/09/2015 18:19

10 months. He moved in with me and rented his house out.
If anything happened to us I wouldn't move let anyone move in now whilst our dc are at home. Neither would I move in with someone with dc at home. Just my preference.

tibbawyrots · 29/09/2015 18:22

He wouldn't admit that you were in a relationship until you had been together a year? He comes to you on a weekend and once in the week... You don't go to his...

I bet he's already married or in a relationship. Sorry. Sad

Stillwishihadabs · 29/09/2015 18:29

6 weeks- we were 22 and 23. He moved in to my shared student flat, all his possessions fitted into a normal car, I hadn't yet met his mother. We lived there with others for another 2 years, then rented somewhere just the 2 of us for another 18 months before buying.I don't think it's all that relevant to your situation.

BlueBlueBelles · 29/09/2015 18:33

I think you have a whole different set of issues OP and it's not just the moving in.

DP and I have been together over 2 years. We live separately still, and will do a while yet.

I have 2 Ds both under 10, one ASD. He has 1 DS who comes every other to every weekend, depending on other things, he's near a teenager.

We live about 15 miles apart, which would affect children's schooling and my (lowish but training) paid job.

My house is too small, his is too far away. We've both been married before, and both jumped into living together with someone too soon - and both divorced.

Half of me would love to live together now, the other half knows it would cause problems with money and independence. Same with him.

However our difference to you OP is we talk. We agree. We know we are each other's forever person and we will get married. Neither of us want more children. He stays here a couple of times a week, I stay at his every now and then (easier to stay here with kids) we have keys for each other's houses. We look after each other's children. We attend family events as a whole family unit. We are a family, we just don't live together.

So time in relationship to moving in together isn't a be all and end all. Someone else would do it 6 months down the line, we are looking more like 3-5 years. But we always knew this from day one, and we make time for each other. We are equals.

Acorn44 · 29/09/2015 18:34

Five before we seriously discussed it, seven before we actually got the keys (seven years, that is). I'm sure, behind our backs, people were cynical of our relationship/potential lack of commitment before we got a place together, but it was what was right for us and we've never looked back. I'd go as far as to say I am glad we left it so long as, right from day one, we knew each other inside out and had no nasty surprises.