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Original poster

To ask you when moved in together with your DP?

145 replies

Inneedofadvice553 · 29/09/2015 14:03

My DP and I have been together for three years. Still living separately and only see each other at weekends and sometimes one night during the week. DP controls this as I have a DS from previous marriage.

Frankly I think we should have progressed and now be living together but have been advised that some people wait years to live together.

so can I ask how long did you wait to move in with your dp?
(to note my EXH and I waited a year)

OP posts:
pinkie1982 · 29/09/2015 15:02

After two weeks! But no children then. Been together 8 years now and have a 4 month old DS

HackerFucker22 · 29/09/2015 15:05

I assume all of those that shacked up with virtual strangers didn't have kids to consider?

We were a few months and no DC.

I too am a little concerned about why your DP "controls" things.... He basically comes over when he wants to? Is that what you mean by controlling things?

Ed1tY0urPr0f1le · 29/09/2015 15:05

Tbh it sounds like he is waiting to see if he gets a better offer.

If you want more DC, don't waste any more time on him.

Sorry.

Tiggeryoubastard · 29/09/2015 15:06

MrsGently I viewed moving in, even after so long and being committed a 'big step'. Yes, it was a natural progression but to not view it as a big step would be seeing it as a not important thing. So I disagree with the comment you made about if you're committed you wouldn't see it as a big step. It's partly because we were committed and knew this was it that we did take the big step view.
And I know I've written this post badly. Smile

HackerFucker22 · 29/09/2015 15:06

Sounds like a case of him having all of the fun with none of the responsibility?

AnUtterIdiot · 29/09/2015 15:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 29/09/2015 15:14

Tiggery, you make a fair point. I more meant that the natural progression of a relationship overrides the magnitude of the 'step', and the partner seems to be making it into a far, far bigger deal than it is. Of course moving in together is a big move, goodness knows it took me weeks to fit my life in with my partner, but it's still more usual for adults in a relationship to make 'living together' workable than avoid it all together. I think I was just trying to point out to the OP that her partner is not presenting as someone who has the usual 'jitters' and normal concerns about living together - he genuinely seems to be taking the piss and trying to have it all his way.

Tiggeryoubastard · 29/09/2015 15:16

Yes, I see now what you mean, and totally agree MrsG.

Original poster
Inneedofadvice553 · 29/09/2015 15:28

I should also add it took him a year to actually admit we were in a relationship together, he clearly has issues with the definition of commitment.

I don't think he is fundamentally a bad person, I think he has been damaged by previous relationships and this affects him today.

I am reluctant to let go because I love him and genuinely can't imagine my life without him. we have been through some difficult times together and personal obstacles and always been there for each other. he has said 2 years for kids from now so I don't know it I am jumping the gun when there is my DS involved

As I said it is the comment he made I am getting hung up on and what he actually meant by it

OP posts:
StarkyTheDirewolf · 29/09/2015 15:29

We had our first date and he pretty much never left. Nearly 3 years on and we're married and discussing when to start a family. But then, I knew almost as soon as I met him that it was him or nobody. He felt the same about me.

OP, as others have said, he is showing you who he is. What if you moved in, got married and then he decided he'd found the one, and you weren't it. If he's not sure its you, then I'd see that as he's still looking for the bells and whistles, bolt of lightning type thing and wouldn't feel comfortable sharing my life with someone who saw me as second best to an imaginary partner he's never met.

popcornpaws · 29/09/2015 15:29

Moved in together 5 month after we started dating, were married a year later, that was 24 year ago.

Janeymoo50 · 29/09/2015 15:32

Just under 4 months for me! (and we're getting married next May). I'm not sure if the fact we were both much older (her 52, me 49) that made the difference, we just decided it was right and were big enough and old enough t know it would be fine...and thankfully it is nearly 14 months later.

PotteringAlong · 29/09/2015 15:37

After 3 years - he moved in with me the day after we got married.

Muckogy · 29/09/2015 15:45

you poor 'aul sausage, OP.
you are indeed reluctant to let go.
there are tons of women on here just like you - hanging on to a reluctant and disinterested man by their fingernails.
he doesn't love you or want you. yet you stay.
that is just so utterly pitiful. you poor, poor thing.

have a look on the Relationships section. there you will see your future, should you choose to stay with this gobshite.

x2boys · 29/09/2015 15:48

a few months met him in the feb got married six months later still together ten yrs and two children later.

sproketmx · 29/09/2015 15:50

About 4 months with this one. With my first hubby we waited a year and a bit

Wineandrosesagain · 29/09/2015 15:50

He "doesn't know if I am the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with and have babies"?? I read that as - 3 years in he is still looking for the 'the one' and it ain't you.

And he feels "oppressed"? WTAF? What has he got to feel oppressed about? He only sees you odd weekends.

And why aren't you allowed to go to his house?

Sorry but this is not normal. You need to move on and look for someone who actually wants a partner, rather than an occasional shag (sorry to be harsh). Otherwise you will wake up one day and realise that you're still in this strange limbo-land relationship and it's too late to have any more kids.

For what it's worth, DH and I moved in together after about a month (no DC), sort of by accident - he came for dinner and never moved out, we sold his house, then mine and bought one together. We just knew this was something really special. 20 years later, it's still great.

flowery · 29/09/2015 15:52

Moving in together is a big step, but someone who was genuinely committed for the long term wouldn't find taking that step a problem at all.

wonkylegs · 29/09/2015 15:56

I think we'd been together 2yrs when we decided to move in together. We both owned properties so it took a further 6mths for us to sort out selling one and buying our joint one and another 3mths to sell the other one. We've now been together 15yrs

LemonPied · 29/09/2015 15:57

We moved in after 7 months but housing situations made us go for it sooner than I would have liked in an ideal world.
DP is a NRP and was living back at his parents after his divorce, his parents practically deny his daughters existence as they are fuckheads so us moving in together made it possible to have his daughter stay overnight for the first time.

jadorecakesnbiscuits · 29/09/2015 15:58

2 and a half years

Pengweng · 29/09/2015 16:01

Moved in together after 2 years, been together 10 years, married for 4.

TheWernethWife · 29/09/2015 16:04

Mine came for dinner and never really moved out as well - been together 30 years now

JessieThom · 29/09/2015 16:07

DP and I got together when we were 20 and circumstances kept us living apart for the first couple of years, but I think we would probably have lived separately anyway. Then when we were in the same city we lived separately for another three years, but stayed at each other's places most nights. So, after 5 years we moved in and bought a flat together (the buying part was probably quite quick, but we were very sure by then). Then within 2 years I was pregnant with DD1 and now expecting two more almost 2 years later.

The speed isn't important, and I do think we might have moved more quickly if we'd met when we were older, but it's how you feel about eachother that's the most important thing.

trevortrevorslatterfry · 29/09/2015 16:09

Run run away OP. Make room in your life for someone who is sure he wants you Flowers