WIBU to let DD go to this party anyway

[Songofsixpence]

DD (14) has been invited to her best friend's 14th birthday party and to sleep over afterwards this weekend.

DD's BF lives on a farm out in the middle of nowhere so they're having a marquee in the garden, disco, BBQ, etc. About 50 kids have been invited from 7pm - 10pm, all friends from school, BF's hobbies - all in that year 9/ 13-14 age group

This party has been the hot topic of conversation for weeks. It's been planned to within an inch of its life, they've been shopping for new outfits and they're all desperately excited.

The party will be supervised by BF's family - her parents and 2 much older (late 20s) brothers will all be there. The girls have been best friends since they started in reception together, they've been friends for years, they pretty much live in each other's houses, had god knows how many sleepovers over the years, so we know the family pretty well and I trust them. DD is pretty sensible and I trust her too so I have absolutely no problem with her going and staying over.

Last night, DH announces that actually, he doesn't want DD going. He thinks the party is inappropriate for their age, he's worried that someone might bring alcohol/it get out of hand

DD is obviously very upset and disappointed.

I spoke to DH after DD had gone to bed and he's 'compromised' by saying she can go but will have to be picked up by 9pm - however, he's away for the weekend so it will fall onto me to pick her up

I still think this this is pretty unfair of him to be honest. He knew exactly what this party entailed and has had weeks to make any objections and hasn't so I really feel for DD that he's said this now.

I'm happy for her to go and sleep over, he's not going to be here anyway so I'm tempted to just let her go and tell him that I won't be picking her up, if he wants her collected he can come home and pick her up himself.

I feel a bit stuck between a rock and a hard place

Sounds like a great outcome OP.

That your DH apologised to her is good - shows her that he makes mistakes. Hopefully she will also see that his extreme behaviour was borne out of concern for her.

My parents were always pretty lenient with me, to the point where I actually wondered whether they cared (poor parents, can't win, can they!), but I fondly remember the two times my Dad did put his foot down over a couple of things and it made me realise that actually he was paying attention to what I was doing and did care (A LOT!) for me.

Yay!!! So glad about this!

He probably just panicked and spoke without thinking. Glad you picked up on the fact that he just made a decision and announced it without discussing it. Again it's probably been on his mind and he blurted it out.

Glad she is going and hope she has a good time.

Let's just hope it doesn't piss down with rain and turn the whole thing into a wash out after all this

Thanks all!

At my 16th, we had a few would-be gate crashers, but DB was there to turn them away! I'm sure her DBs will do the same. And as for 14yo sneaking in booze, I agree much more likely to be happening in the park! You'd never find out anyway, she could be up to all sorts every time she sleeps over somewhere. It's down to trust as you know!

My attutude with the kids is that you assume these things/situations happen and you talk to them about trust and behaving sensibly and safely and then you hope that you've installed enough sense into them for them to behave responsibly.
You can't protect them from the world. You can only equip them to operate safely within it.

Let us know how she gets on and I hope that you are not over run with kittens

Your poor DD!! You can't go back on someting like this without very good reason.

I also have a 14 year old DD who was looking forward to a party this weekend with one of her best friends which she's now not allowed to go to as she decided to walk out of school mid-morning last week, took herself home and lied about it all. That is a very good reason to come down hard, not simply changing your mind as you feel uncomfortable about it.

Sorry just realised its all resolved and she's going to the party, I shiujd have read the whole thread!

Good result.

A good outcome.

It does seem like he was punishing her before she had given him reason, unfortunately our kids need to fall (and they will) in order to learn lessons.

Of course as parents, we want to keep that to a minimum, but as others said, she will merely learn to lie & cover her tracks.

The chat about alcohol was something I was going to suggest, and he just has to trust her...

what worried him was that he was a teenage boy once and he knows what some teenage boys can be like. and yes - i am talking about sex and alcohol.
perhaps he sees your daughter physically growing up and he is familiar with the nefarious intent of some men and boys.
still - he doesn't get to be king of the house and hand down decree as and when he feels like it, without discussing it with you first.
glad it sorted out and that he hasn't continued to be a complete douche-bag.

He's being a prat, let him go away for the weekend and carry on as you planned, she's your daughter as well and you have the right to rely on your judgement. He's an over protective father with a 14 year old daughter, he's probably trying to protect her from boys like he was in his youth.

Sorry, missed the outcome post, glad he's seen sense.

Excellent outcome, I was once the mother of a 14 year old DD in similar circumstances and DD didn't let me down (but like you, if she had we would've crossed that bridge when we came to it). I was the DD of a mother who didn't trust me any further than she could throw me, without good cause I hasten to add, and it still affects my relationship with her to this day. I am glad you and your DH have had a reasonable conversation and he has relaxed his conditions.

Songofsixpence

How was the party for your DD? {nosey emoticon}