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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to let DD go to this party anyway

140 replies

Songofsixpence · 29/09/2015 13:17

DD (14) has been invited to her best friend's 14th birthday party and to sleep over afterwards this weekend.

DD's BF lives on a farm out in the middle of nowhere so they're having a marquee in the garden, disco, BBQ, etc. About 50 kids have been invited from 7pm - 10pm, all friends from school, BF's hobbies - all in that year 9/ 13-14 age group

This party has been the hot topic of conversation for weeks. It's been planned to within an inch of its life, they've been shopping for new outfits and they're all desperately excited.

The party will be supervised by BF's family - her parents and 2 much older (late 20s) brothers will all be there. The girls have been best friends since they started in reception together, they've been friends for years, they pretty much live in each other's houses, had god knows how many sleepovers over the years, so we know the family pretty well and I trust them. DD is pretty sensible and I trust her too so I have absolutely no problem with her going and staying over.

Last night, DH announces that actually, he doesn't want DD going. He thinks the party is inappropriate for their age, he's worried that someone might bring alcohol/it get out of hand

DD is obviously very upset and disappointed.

I spoke to DH after DD had gone to bed and he's 'compromised' by saying she can go but will have to be picked up by 9pm - however, he's away for the weekend so it will fall onto me to pick her up

I still think this this is pretty unfair of him to be honest. He knew exactly what this party entailed and has had weeks to make any objections and hasn't so I really feel for DD that he's said this now.

I'm happy for her to go and sleep over, he's not going to be here anyway so I'm tempted to just let her go and tell him that I won't be picking her up, if he wants her collected he can come home and pick her up himself.

I feel a bit stuck between a rock and a hard place

OP posts:
motherinferior · 29/09/2015 17:30

Oh god it would be mortifying surely if the OP is 'helping out'?

motherinferior · 29/09/2015 17:31

I loved the odd dark secluded corner when I was 14...

Spartans · 29/09/2015 17:36

I think your dh is worried about his daughter's welfare and he has a right to that. It will be a fear of the unknown. This is her first big party and you said yourself OP he is usually more relaxed about things than you are and not an "arse".

Then he shouldn't have agreed in the first place. It's the saying 'yes' letting get excited and clothes for it....then saying 'no' that's not on.

usual · 29/09/2015 17:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Brioche201 · 29/09/2015 17:37

Because it is out in the sticks I think it is unlikely to be gatecrashed and get out of hand.
I would want to know more about the sleeping arrangements I think.

Shutthatdoor · 29/09/2015 17:44

So something clearly has happened to make him change his mind but instead of trying to find out what it is and then rectify it you just go against him and show your dd that dad's rules count for shit because mum will just override them.
Find out the issue and sort it!

I kind of agree.

SenecaFalls · 29/09/2015 17:47

I would want to know more about the sleeping arrangements I think.

Why? OP's DD has stayed there before and is the only one staying the night.

DoJo · 29/09/2015 17:48

So something clearly has happened to make him change his mind but instead of trying to find out what it is and then rectify it you just go against him and show your dd that dad's rules count for shit because mum will just override them.

But surely if he has a legitimate reason to worry, then it shouldn't be up to the OP to 'try to find out what it is' he should just bloody say it and open up a discussion. If he has a reason that might change the OP's view, then surely the time to bring it up was when he announced his change of mind, not keep it to himself and hope that his disappointed daughter and annoyed wife fathom that there is more to it and winkle it out of him.

Jeffreythegiraffe · 29/09/2015 17:52

Why do you feel like you're undermining him? Has he not done this to you by suddenly saying she can't go? Why does he get to make the final decision? If he wants to upset his dd for no good reason and cause an argument then go ahead. She'll hate him.

Spartans · 29/09/2015 17:55

Exactly dojo. If he had a conversation with OP about his concerns, it would give them chance to discuss it.

But he has undermined the OP and Upset is dd because he has decided that she isn't going. Which is not ok when he had already agreed. Why does he get to over rule the OP? I would be really angry if DH did that to me.

rollonthesummer · 29/09/2015 17:55

I would want to know more about the sleeping arrangements I think.

Why?! Isn't it only the OP's daughter who is staying?

Your dh is being a tosser and she will really hate him for this. I feel sorry for the best friend too whose birthday sleepover has been effectively cancelled because of him. She'll probably be really hurt. What if she invites someone else??

What did you tell DH when he told you to collect her at 9 but he wouldn't be there? Did you say yes? Did you not answer? I can't see how you've got to the situation you're now in? Also, where's he off to that's so important?

Maryz · 29/09/2015 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Brioche201 · 29/09/2015 17:59

OP's DD has stayed there before and is the only one staying the night. ah ok I missed that

AskingForAPal · 29/09/2015 18:13

I think he's probably just let his brain come alive to the possibility that boys may end up staying over as well. Otherwise, as someone else said, why the concern about the sleeping over bit but not about the rest of the party?

If he is actually worried that your daughter might end up in a difficult situation with a pushy older boy (say), it should be relatively easy to solve that issue by getting either the friend's parents or your own daughter (or both) to ring at a set hour, say 10.30pm, and let you/him know that the rest have gone home.

Have to say at the same age we had big mixed parties and sleepovers/campouts, and no-one even got felt up AFAIK let alone anything more serious, even without parental supervision.

AskingForAPal · 29/09/2015 18:13

xpost Maryz :)

greenfolder · 29/09/2015 18:20

This is the sort of party your dad should go to at 14. Well supervised with people who are looking out for her. She will get quick at lying about her whereabouts if you make it hard for her to be truthful.

I would say to your dh that you will phone friends mum at 10 to check if it still ok for her to stay. I then would not call!

Mynameismummy · 29/09/2015 18:23

If they've known each other for years, presumably your DH knows the family well too? I'd say to him that it would make you look really rude in their eyes and as though you don't trust them...which in turn would have a negative impact on your daughter's friendship with the birthday girl. If you do know the other parents, why not suggest that you/DH phone the birthday girl's parents and ask that they keep a bit of an eye on your DD? Might put your DH's mind at rest a bit and your DD gets to go to her party.

Original poster
Songofsixpence · 29/09/2015 18:25

Thanks all!

He's home soon so will be having a chat and try and get to the bottom of what's worries him. Last night he was concerned about alcohol, but I don't think it's particularly fair to punish DD on the basis of what might happen when she's never given any reason to doubt her

I will put of the suggestions to him, I think a quick call before she goes to bed might be an idea, instead of keep ringing and texting.

I definately won't be going along to help out, I think that would be a fate worse than not going at all

OP posts:
RandomSocks · 29/09/2015 18:25

What is the alcohol policy for the party and how do they intend to enforce it? Was there a discussion of alcohol when your DH drove them to get their dresses?

You would not be unreasonable to "let her go anyway", but if possible try not to do that because that would start a secret between you and DD against DH, which could only get worse as she grows up.

Instead, perhaps you can talk to him and reassure him that the party will be safe and/or you can trust your DD. Four adults in charge of 50 Year 9 students is very reasonable.

Original poster
Songofsixpence · 29/09/2015 18:28

As far as the parents are concerned there is no alcohol and I trust them to stick with it

I'm sure someone will try and sneak it in, but the parents aren't stupid, they've been there and done that with their older sons.

OP posts:
AskingForAPal · 29/09/2015 18:29

Also, and maybe don't say this to him, even if someone brings alcohol a bottle of vodka or whatever shitey alcopop kids drink these days is not going to go very far around 50 kids. Even if she does drink a drop of alcohol, she's not going to get much if it isn't laid on. Far more risk, as you so rightly say, in her going to the park in the middle of the afternoon with a few friends.

RandomSocks · 29/09/2015 18:33

If the parents have no intention of providing alcohol and intend to confiscate any they find, then I don't see why your DH has a problem with the party.

I think it is perfectly possible for a bunch of 14-year-olds to have a great time without alcohol, especially at an organised party or special event with a marquee.

VenusInFauxFurs · 29/09/2015 18:35

So how has this been left with your daughter? Does she think she has been banned from going at all? Does she think she's being collected at 9?

To be honest, I'm worried that even if your husband does see sense and let her go according to the original plan, some damage will have already been done. Your daughter must be INCREDIBLY upset right now. I'm guessing she'll have phoned or texted her best friend to let her know what her dad has said. I bet BF's family LOVE you right now. If must be stressful enough organising a party for fifty kids without someone changing their mind at the last minute and causing a load of drama.

This needs to be sorted ASAP. At the very least because if the friend doesn't think your daughter can make the sleepover, she may well invite another friend to stay the night instead.

batfish · 29/09/2015 18:44

I think he is being unreasonable - can totally understand his thinking because when I was 14 I was drinking most weekends at parties so it makes sense that he would worry that there would bet alcohol - but as hard as it must be he has to accept that his daughter is growing up and he can't protect her from it forever and needs to trust her. My parents knew I was drinking but as long as they always knew where I was and who I was with they trusted me - and said that at he first time I lied to them the trust would be broken and they wouldn't give me the same freedom. So I never lied to them and a couple of times said no to things that I knew would disappoint them - such as I never took drugs when my friends did because I valued the trust they put in me. Maybe this wouldn't work with everyone but it did for me and my parents and it would have totally alienated me from my friends if I hadn't been allowed to to to parties etc.

rollonthesummer · 29/09/2015 18:47

Your daughter must be INCREDIBLY upset right now. I'm guessing she'll have phoned or texted her best friend to let her know what her dad has said. I bet BF's family LOVE you right now. If must be stressful enough organising a party for fifty kids without someone changing their mind at the last minute and causing a load of drama.

Yep, I agree with all of this.

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