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AIBU?

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Original poster

WIBU to let DD go to this party anyway

140 replies

Songofsixpence · 29/09/2015 13:17

DD (14) has been invited to her best friend's 14th birthday party and to sleep over afterwards this weekend.

DD's BF lives on a farm out in the middle of nowhere so they're having a marquee in the garden, disco, BBQ, etc. About 50 kids have been invited from 7pm - 10pm, all friends from school, BF's hobbies - all in that year 9/ 13-14 age group

This party has been the hot topic of conversation for weeks. It's been planned to within an inch of its life, they've been shopping for new outfits and they're all desperately excited.

The party will be supervised by BF's family - her parents and 2 much older (late 20s) brothers will all be there. The girls have been best friends since they started in reception together, they've been friends for years, they pretty much live in each other's houses, had god knows how many sleepovers over the years, so we know the family pretty well and I trust them. DD is pretty sensible and I trust her too so I have absolutely no problem with her going and staying over.

Last night, DH announces that actually, he doesn't want DD going. He thinks the party is inappropriate for their age, he's worried that someone might bring alcohol/it get out of hand

DD is obviously very upset and disappointed.

I spoke to DH after DD had gone to bed and he's 'compromised' by saying she can go but will have to be picked up by 9pm - however, he's away for the weekend so it will fall onto me to pick her up

I still think this this is pretty unfair of him to be honest. He knew exactly what this party entailed and has had weeks to make any objections and hasn't so I really feel for DD that he's said this now.

I'm happy for her to go and sleep over, he's not going to be here anyway so I'm tempted to just let her go and tell him that I won't be picking her up, if he wants her collected he can come home and pick her up himself.

I feel a bit stuck between a rock and a hard place

OP posts:
jay55 · 29/09/2015 15:33

Is your dd usually sensible? I imagine not going to her bff's party could really rock the friendship and have her feeling very left out afterwards at school.
At that age id have seen it as a massive punishment.

MissMarpleCat · 29/09/2015 15:36

I'm curious as to why your husband gets to make all the decisions, is he God? Tell him you've decided she can go and seeing as he won't even be there your decision stands.

Crispbutty · 29/09/2015 15:46

The recent tragedy in the news of the deaths of four people (two of them teenage girls) on a quad bike may have triggered his change of mind perhaps?

CheerfulYank · 29/09/2015 15:47

I think she should go too. If this is her first big party I'd have a chat about trust and choices and let that be that.

She will never forget that you stood up for her :)

abbieanders · 29/09/2015 15:47

How mean! Not just to your daughter, but to the birthday girl as well. Kind of spoils things a bit for her. It sounds like a lovely, age appropriate party to me.

BertrandRussell · 29/09/2015 15:49

"The recent tragedy in the news of the deaths of four people (two of them teenage girls) on a quad bike may have triggered his change of mind perhaps?"

Why?

rookiemere · 29/09/2015 15:55

I agree he acted like an eejit.

Is it worth having a quiet chat with him - ask him what he is worried about, explain the awkward position he is putting you in. Come up with a compromise - either picking DD up at the end of the party but not at 9 - I'm slightly bemused as to what's going to happen between 9-10 that won't happen before, or agree that she stays over but phones him/you at the end of the party.

Or get him to phone up the other parents and check the arrangements. Thing is shouting at him or acting behind his back aren't likely to make him realise that he was in the wrong, having a conversation about it just might,

3littlebadgers · 29/09/2015 15:55

My mum was exactly like your DH. I was mortified whenever she would decide something was inappropriate because I was always the only one out of my friends that would be left out, not just of the event, but the build up and the talking about it afterwards. In the end, like some other posters, I became brilliant at covering my tracks. I eloped and they missed me getting married, only found out months and months later, and even now at 35 years old, when the phone rings my heart sinks because I think 'what are they going to judge me about now?'

Original poster
Songofsixpence · 29/09/2015 15:56

Thanks all!

I will talk to him again later, I'd rather have a sensible conclusion than start laying the law down.

He's worried that it'll get out of hand and alcohol will be brought in. I seriously doubt the friends parents will allow it, in fact I'm certain they won't, but if it gets sneaked in then we have to trust DD to be sensible, and I have no reason to doubt her.

When she first asked to go, we asked if the parents would be there, etc, I said yes and he said 'I don't see why not' which to me, and her, is yes.

He's had plenty of time since to make any objections. He belongs to a sports team and they have a couple of those big BBQs made out of old metal oil barrels cut in half, DH has organised for the BF's parents to borrow those for the party, he gave the girls a lift into town at the weekend knowing they were going to buy party outfits, he's not been clueless about any of it or given any of us any reason to think he wasn't in full agreement with her going

He's not normally an arse about stuff like this. He's normally more laid back than me, so it's out of character to start saying no like this now.

OP posts:
Itsmine · 29/09/2015 15:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spartans · 29/09/2015 16:00

The people on the quad bikes?

What has that got to do with anything?

He agreed she could go. Unless she has done something to warrant punishing, it's band out of order to stop her now.

You need to find out why he is punishing her for something she hasn't done.

Original poster
Songofsixpence · 29/09/2015 16:01

Sorry, crossed some posts

This is the first big party she will have been too, fear of the unknown perhaps

I just think, if she's going to get her hands on alcohol, she's just as likely to do it over the park with her mates as she is at a supervised party. In fact I'd rather her do it at a supervised party than end up off her face in the park

We've spoken with the friend's parents, we've let them a couple of things so we've chatted about it. I trust them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Songofsixpence · 29/09/2015 16:03
  • we've lent them a couple of things
OP posts:
CarShare · 29/09/2015 16:05

Yes, agree with those who say he runs the risk of damaging their relationship and forcing her to be deceitful in future. I think it sounds exceptionally tame but, yes, it's likely that one or more of the kids will bring booze along but she'll be exposed to lots of situations where she needs to make a judgement on these things and by starting out by appearing not to trust her he will push her towards rebellion. My parents trusted me and gave me space to make decisions for myself and it was the most helpful thing they did as parents. Best of luck with the chat later on. I daresay he's feeling insecure at the prospect of losing control over her but it'll need to happen at some stage and a well planned and supervised party sounds like a fair enough place to start.

rookiemere · 29/09/2015 16:07

Maybe you could suggest he has a chat with other parents - ask them to keep an eye out for her, which they will anyway.

Mrsjayy · 29/09/2015 16:08

But its a supervised party parents and other adults will be there it does sound ott for a 14th but your husband is being ridiculous and this is the start of your husband not accepting his Dd isnt a little girl anymore he will only get worse imo.

Muckogy · 29/09/2015 16:10

god - he really is mean.
he's lending stuff to the party that he won't let his DD go to.
that's so mean.
show him this thread?

Crispbutty · 29/09/2015 16:28

The quad bike accident involved two teenage girls who had been at a party. Most farmers have quad bikes and this party is being held at a farm. Maybe the husband is worried that his daughter might take a risk that could put her in danger. I'm not saying I agree with him but just wondered if maybe this recent tragedy was his reason for saying she couldn't go.

Theycallmemellowjello · 29/09/2015 16:55

Your DH is being U but I think there's a danger of teaching your DD that lying to parents is a good strategy if you and she don't tell him beforehand.

Cherrybakewells1 · 29/09/2015 16:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rainbunny · 29/09/2015 17:04

I think your DH needs a reality check. He might want to wrap your dd up in cotton wool but the reality is that at 14 years old she needs to learn to navigate situations including being present where alcohol might be (and I'm not saying that there's any indication that there will be any.) Honestly this party sounds well supervised by adults, it's in a safe environment with friends only (it's not like there will be a bunch of unknown other guests there).

ovenchips · 29/09/2015 17:11

This is your DH's issue/ fear to deal with.

He's made an irrational decision, probably based on fear, and it's your daughter who is suffering the consequences.

I would talk to him and find out the scenarios he is imagining. Show him some empathy for his fears. It is hard (prob esp for dads and daughters?) to start to let go.

I would do all that but be resolute that the original plan stands. Your daughter is going to the party and she is going to stay over.

If he's away he can ring/ text you on the evening if he has worries and wants to talk them through. But I don't think he can manage his fears by making his daughter forgo 'normal' activities.

As for letting her stay over and not telling him, I wouldn't do that. As it sets a precedent of him thinking he is able to get his way even when unreasonable and makes you and your daughter collude in a 'white lie'.

Lancelottie · 29/09/2015 17:17

His suggested 'compromise' is very odd.

It includes the majority of the full-on party (the bit he seems to be worried about) and then misses out the two-person sleepover afterwards.

Is he worried that the parents will be unable to get rid of all the other guests on time/too drunk to care?

alltouchedout · 29/09/2015 17:21

In all honesty, if my DH tried something like this I would laugh at him, tell him not to be so ridiculous and unfair, and ask him just when the fuck he thought he became boss and sole decision maker for the family?

Parents being petty like he is being are parents whose children learn very quickly to lie to them. My mum withdrew me from a trip to Switzerland once, when a friend and I committed the heinous crime of renting a certified 15 movie (we were 13 and 14). That was pretty much the last time I was open with her about anything she might not like, and 20 something years on I still think back to that and feel resentment and a sort of contempt. She would never let me go to house parties or the fair (small town, the bi annual fair visit was a BIG THING when we were in our early teens!) or really do anything that my friends were doing, so I just learned to do them anyway, lie about where I was and on the "well if I get caught I'm in trouble anyway" principle, used to get up to far far more than I would have done otherwise...

TeamScoutRifle · 29/09/2015 17:27

So something clearly has happened to make him change his mind but instead of trying to find out what it is and then rectify it you just go against him and show your dd that dad's rules count for shit because mum will just override them.
Find out the issue and sort it!