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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to let DD go to this party anyway

140 replies

Songofsixpence · 29/09/2015 13:17

DD (14) has been invited to her best friend's 14th birthday party and to sleep over afterwards this weekend.

DD's BF lives on a farm out in the middle of nowhere so they're having a marquee in the garden, disco, BBQ, etc. About 50 kids have been invited from 7pm - 10pm, all friends from school, BF's hobbies - all in that year 9/ 13-14 age group

This party has been the hot topic of conversation for weeks. It's been planned to within an inch of its life, they've been shopping for new outfits and they're all desperately excited.

The party will be supervised by BF's family - her parents and 2 much older (late 20s) brothers will all be there. The girls have been best friends since they started in reception together, they've been friends for years, they pretty much live in each other's houses, had god knows how many sleepovers over the years, so we know the family pretty well and I trust them. DD is pretty sensible and I trust her too so I have absolutely no problem with her going and staying over.

Last night, DH announces that actually, he doesn't want DD going. He thinks the party is inappropriate for their age, he's worried that someone might bring alcohol/it get out of hand

DD is obviously very upset and disappointed.

I spoke to DH after DD had gone to bed and he's 'compromised' by saying she can go but will have to be picked up by 9pm - however, he's away for the weekend so it will fall onto me to pick her up

I still think this this is pretty unfair of him to be honest. He knew exactly what this party entailed and has had weeks to make any objections and hasn't so I really feel for DD that he's said this now.

I'm happy for her to go and sleep over, he's not going to be here anyway so I'm tempted to just let her go and tell him that I won't be picking her up, if he wants her collected he can come home and pick her up himself.

I feel a bit stuck between a rock and a hard place

OP posts:

CrapBag · 29/09/2015 14:00

I cannot see how a BBQ and disco is too old for a group of 14 year old. Totally overreacting.

Just tell him she's been told she can go and that's what is going to happen. Like pps have said, she will learn to lie about stuff if she thinks he is going to put his foot down. If it was unsupervised I'd seen his point but it isn't!

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 29/09/2015 14:11

Someone's going to have told him a horror story about teenage parties in the middle of nowhere being crashed by strangers via Facebook and everything spiralling out of control.

Presuming your daughter is sensible, he would normally trust her and her friends, and you both know the family well as you say, he is of course being unfair.

Backforthis · 29/09/2015 14:11

If my father had done this I would still be angry about it now. She's 14, it's her best friend, she's been planning it for weeks. It's far too late to object.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 29/09/2015 14:15

There is nothing in the OP to say that there has been recent misbehaviour or that she is underperforming at school.

You have said that she can go. He is undermining you and as you say, he's had weeks to object. You might wish to consider if you have given permission without consultation in the future.

She has had a long relationship with a family you know and trust
She is the only child invited to stay over
Other than the supervising brothers, they are all her own age group
By all means check in on whether the parents intend to serve alcohol and what they intend to do with any found.
I'd also check that the brothers will be sober and capable of dealing with an emergency and/or the parents will not be "hiding" for the evening.

If he feels that strongly about it, he can blow off his own weekend and pick her up at 10pm

grumpysquash · 29/09/2015 14:15

If the party ends at 10, then presumably everyone else will be going home at that time. Then it'll just be a regular sleepover (with much gossiping :))

I think it's a non-issue.

If they were having a massive sleepover in the marquee, your DH might have a point (only 'might' though), but it isn't, so he is fretting unnecessarily.

Personally I would worry a lot more if they were a couple of years older.

HaydeeofMonteCristo · 29/09/2015 14:19

Your dh is being an arse. Way to turn his child against him.

You need to put your foot down with him on this one. Yes he is an equal parent but the decision to say yes has been. Made.

mumofthemonsters808 · 29/09/2015 14:20

I have a daughter the same age and she does things like this all the time. AS long as parents are there supervising, I don't see the problem.The way I look at it is I will trust her , until she gives me cause not to.i think your DH is being very unreasonable and if he continues to behave like this throughout her teenage years she will just tell him a pack of lies and may rebel against his strictness.I would put my foot down and tell him she is going, I would not even be asking for the texts either.

ifonly4 · 29/09/2015 14:22

DD has been looked forward to this for ages and the only reason things she shouldn't go is if you think you generally can't trust the parents look after the event along the same terms you'd do yourself. Someone may take alcohol but you'll have a few there who know right from wrong and one of two may even speak up if they know it's being consumed - I know one of my DD's friends certainly would.

Rather than texting, perhaps, DD could phone your DH a couple of times, perhaps, around 9pm and just after party finishes - that way he can assess everything is as you would hope.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/09/2015 14:22

Let your dd go, your dh is being awful, he had weeks to object, why now before the party. Gosh there are some awful men on Mumsnet today.

GloGirl · 29/09/2015 14:27

Tell him that you will turn up at 9pm for 30 mins to help out the hosts with clearing up the party. I'm sure they'd be grateful.

Promise him that you will take her home if it appears to have gotten out of hand

SonjasSister · 29/09/2015 14:28

Tell him you disagree and maybe gethim to examine/share what he's afraid of/ why?

wigglesrock · 29/09/2015 14:34

To be honest if I were the party girls parents I'd be a bit miffed if other parents turned up at 9 to "help tidy up" it would look like they didn't trust me or had their doubts.

BertrandRussell · 29/09/2015 14:38

"Tell him that you will turn up at 9pm for 30 mins to help out the hosts with clearing up the party. I'm sure they'd be grateful.

Promise him that you will take her home if it appears to have gotten out of hand"

OP- whatever you do- don't do this!!!!!!!!!!

Mistigri · 29/09/2015 14:38

He's going away and ordering you to do his dirty work for him?

I'd just tell him to fuck off personally, if he wants to collect her then it's up to him, I'd have nothing to do with it.

I'm totally not I'm favour of parents showing a united front when one of them is being ridiculous.

OurBlanche · 29/09/2015 14:40

Have one more shot at a reasonable conversation, try to find out why he has suddenly imagined all of this horror.

If he remains stubborn, tell him that whilst he may think he can punish your DD for things that she might do at some future point, he absolutely cannot punish someone elses child and ruin her birthday and then expect your DD not to have to live with some unpleasant consequences.

The first of which is that he has now made it necessary for his wife to overrule him.

KoalaDownUnder · 29/09/2015 14:41

Yeah, don't just turn up to 'help clean up'! How insulting. You've been friends with the parents for years, either you trust them or you don't!

My niece has just turned 14, bit sheltered (private all-girls school etc), also with an overprotective dad. Even her mum thinks your DH is being ridiculous!

ExitPursuedByABear · 29/09/2015 14:42

He is being an arse. DH tries this on sometimes but he is quickly disabused by a two pronged attack from me and DD.

DD went to a similar party last year, on a farm, and it was fine.

Another at the local cricket club turned into Vodka Fest and the police were involved.

Gottagetmoving · 29/09/2015 14:43

He is worried about her. He may have heard stories of other parties that have gone wrong.
However, I don't think he is being fair on this one. You know this family very well and they are being supervised.
I don't think he can 'put his foot down' on this one. You are both her parents but you should listen to his concerns and explain away every one. You have plenty of good reasons to back you up.
I don't think you should get arsey with him over it. He isn't being deliberately nasty if he is worried so don't go telling him to fuck off or have a major row with him - That just makes everything worse.
You can say that you are not prepared to have your DDs plans ruined at this late hour because he should have been clear at the start as he knew what was involved.

schokolade · 29/09/2015 14:49

don't make her call/text. imagine having to watch the clock and then take yourself off to quiet spot to call your parents. how embarrassing. and she hasn't even done anything to deserve such "check ins"...

NynaevesSister · 29/09/2015 14:52

He is undermining you. For weeks the plans have been underway. You have agreed to all this. Now he is stepping in and saying no like he's the one in charge? The time to say no was when she got the invite. Laying down the law now is totally undermining your authority.

Unless you live in the 1950s. In which case you are beholden to obey. He's the boss.

Seriously though it sounds like you've assumed that no objection is a yes and he has assumed it is still open to a decision.

Going forward you have to agree a system for this. In the future you need to decide together.

GloGirl · 29/09/2015 14:58

I'm guessing as the girls are 'best friends' the other girls parents would be slightly more obliging to you turning up at 9 to have a drink and pack a couple of bin bags up if it was all explained beforehand.

Or instead she could just tell her daughter that she wont respect her Dad's parenting and just ignore his opinion.

I think a compromise would work better but that's just me.

mumeeee · 29/09/2015 15:07

I'm another one who thinks your DH is being daft and unreasonable. We were quite strict about parties with our DDs when they were younger but would have been fine about this sort of party at 14,
Seems age appropriate and we'll organised to me.
Can you ask your DH why he thinks it's not appropriate.

Muckogy · 29/09/2015 15:21

he's very unfair.
i would absolutely lie to his face and let her do what you both want.

i used to hate that when my parents would change their mind last minute about something i was living for. they would then give me a bollocking and a few slaps for daring to be disappointed. "smile - or you get another slap." and i'd be already seeing stars at this point from all the backhanders i'd gotten across the face and legs.
parents are cunts sometimes.

mellicauli · 29/09/2015 15:21

Tell him that as he isn't there at the weekend, the parental responsibilities & decisions fall to you 100% during that time. And that you have already decided that she can stay over. Tell him he is not the Chief Executive Officer with powers of delegation, that you are your own person and you are not compelled to follow his orders. If he wants his views considered he will have to engage a negotiation between equals.

How would he like it if you forced him to come home at 9pm on Saturday when he expected to be out having fun?

Lurkedforever1 · 29/09/2015 15:29

Yanbu. I'd tell your dh to get fucked. Either she goes with his approval, or she goes without his approval.

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