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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to let DD go to this party anyway

140 replies

Songofsixpence · 29/09/2015 13:17

DD (14) has been invited to her best friend's 14th birthday party and to sleep over afterwards this weekend.

DD's BF lives on a farm out in the middle of nowhere so they're having a marquee in the garden, disco, BBQ, etc. About 50 kids have been invited from 7pm - 10pm, all friends from school, BF's hobbies - all in that year 9/ 13-14 age group

This party has been the hot topic of conversation for weeks. It's been planned to within an inch of its life, they've been shopping for new outfits and they're all desperately excited.

The party will be supervised by BF's family - her parents and 2 much older (late 20s) brothers will all be there. The girls have been best friends since they started in reception together, they've been friends for years, they pretty much live in each other's houses, had god knows how many sleepovers over the years, so we know the family pretty well and I trust them. DD is pretty sensible and I trust her too so I have absolutely no problem with her going and staying over.

Last night, DH announces that actually, he doesn't want DD going. He thinks the party is inappropriate for their age, he's worried that someone might bring alcohol/it get out of hand

DD is obviously very upset and disappointed.

I spoke to DH after DD had gone to bed and he's 'compromised' by saying she can go but will have to be picked up by 9pm - however, he's away for the weekend so it will fall onto me to pick her up

I still think this this is pretty unfair of him to be honest. He knew exactly what this party entailed and has had weeks to make any objections and hasn't so I really feel for DD that he's said this now.

I'm happy for her to go and sleep over, he's not going to be here anyway so I'm tempted to just let her go and tell him that I won't be picking her up, if he wants her collected he can come home and pick her up himself.

I feel a bit stuck between a rock and a hard place

OP posts:
SenecaFalls · 29/09/2015 18:47

I was thinking the same thing as Venus. A quick resolution is needed. I am sure she has already endured considerable distress and dad needs to do his best to fix it.

sugar21 · 29/09/2015 19:03

Your dh is being meam. Your dd is 14 not 4, he cant keep her a baby forever.
My parents were like this and packed me off to bloody boarding school where I apparently would not be near any boys and get a good education. Ha, yes we used to sneak out of school and meet the boys who had booze and fags. One of my friends ended up pregnant at 14 and I ended up having dd1 when I was 18, my fault but I suppose what Im trying to explain is if you put too many restrictions on teenagers they will rebel and lie about where they are going.

pointythings · 29/09/2015 19:08

I second those who say go for a quick resolution, but the resolution must be that she is allowed to go as previously agreed. Your DH is allowed to be concerned, but he has totally blown it by this last minute change of heart on his part - he is now just going to have to suck it up, or risk doing major damage to the trust between him and his DD.

SenecaFalls · 29/09/2015 19:11

Somehow I suspect that he mentioned the party to some of his mates, and they all started in on "I would never let my 14 year-old daughter do that." Perhaps ask him if it were his 14 year-old son going to this party, would his answer be different.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 29/09/2015 19:17

DH is being unreasonable and is just begging for DD not to ask permission in future.

Let her go. And stay over. Especially since that's the special bit for her and BF! Remind DH that the others will be leaving at 10, your DD stays with the family often with no issue, and you trust her. It is totally unreasobable for him to object at this late stage. Tbh even if you lie to him that you'll pick DD up and then tell the truth afterwards ywnbu, he's being that much of a dick about it!

Foodymucker · 29/09/2015 19:48

To the person who mentioned the older brothers I have a daughter with two brothers a lot older and I can vouch that at 14 neither her or her friends would have had any alcohol while they were around .

SenecaFalls · 29/09/2015 20:00

I had the same thought Foody. I have a friend who had three much older brothers. She used to say it was like having four fathers.

TheCatsMother99 · 29/09/2015 20:01

I also think your DH is being unreasonable.

It's not fair to suddenly change his mind & I don't think his compromise is really fair either.

What about her going as planned but you drop off her overnight bag at 10, when the party ends. That way you get to check she's sober, that the party didn't get our of hand and also it's a bit discreet for your DD as she could just pretend she forgot her bag or forgot to take something she needed (and couldn't borrow), she needn't let on to her mates that her dad is perhaps being a little over zealous.

carabos · 29/09/2015 20:10

I think this is one of those make or break moments tbh. I think you need to make the executive decision that DD is going to the party for these reasons:

  1. It's her best friend.
  2. The parents, who you know well, will be present.
  3. She has already accepted the invitation.
  4. There will be a social fall out if she doesn't go - at the very least she will be gossiped about.
  5. You, her mother, are perfectly capable of making decisions about your DD without reference to her father.
  6. It's important that DD knows that adults don't get it right every time, that they can change their mind and change it back again with no real damage done.
  7. That husband and wife can agree to differ, and that's ok.
  8. That even though you and DH disagree, you are both coming from a position of love.
  9. That disagreeing with DH on this isn't undermining him, he's just called this one wrong - no biggie.
10. That DD has an opportunity to show she can be trusted in a new situation.
FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 29/09/2015 20:24

I agree with carabos. Any attempt to pander to your DH (and to me, it is pandering, because he has no basis for these fears) would be seen as treating her like a baby and cause all manner of upset for all concerned.

lurkinginthenorth · 29/09/2015 20:45

Does he realise that this is social suicide for his daughter and he'll have bigger problems due to the aftermath of his 'jerk behaviour'?
Tomake that as an excuse is actually showing he does not trust his daughter. Whether alcohol is there or not, any trustworthy parent will not restrict their child if they believe they would refrain and stay sober.

DixieNormas · 29/09/2015 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Brioche201 · 29/09/2015 22:20

I can't believe people are using phrases like 'pandering to DH' and talking about going against him! It is his daughter!!
How would people feel if their DH allowed their DC to do something you thought was dangerous against your EXPRESS instructions.
I remember a fair bit of shagging going on on our Y10 London trip.This was despite the corridors crawling with teachers and it being a 'naice ' grammar school and being ordered not to touch the mini-bars.

SenecaFalls · 29/09/2015 22:22

She is OP's daughter too. So does dad get to veto OP's decision to let her go?

scarlets · 29/09/2015 22:33

Girls with over-strict dads learn the arts of mendacity and subterfuge quite quickly. If he doesn't lighten up, she'll just do stuff behind your backs.

If you're lucky enough that she doesn't do that, she'll go off the rails at 18.

Yanbu but you know that. Let her go.

ohtheholidays · 29/09/2015 22:35

Please let your little girl go to the party and let her sleepover as well.

My father was like this and my Mum always backed down to my Dad no matter what,no one ever had my corner whilst I was growing up.

And it does affect the child and it can seriously affect they're friendships and peer groups,it did me and mine and that was because of just one party and I was 15,it didn't start till 7.30 it was at a friends house and her Mum and adult sister were there,my Dad sent a cab to pick me up at 9.30,it wasn't a school night and I'd never been in trouble in my life.

I missed out on what happened after I left,so I couldn't join in with the story's and shared experiences that all my friends talked about for the next couple of weeks at school.My friend who's party it was thought that my parents didn't like her and that's why I had to go home so early.When the thruth was that my father and my two older brothers just had to have a suffocating hold over my life.

Tell your DH not to make the same mistakes with his daughter growing up that my family made for me.

tbtc20 · 30/09/2015 07:45

I can't believe people are using phrases like 'pandering to DH' and talking about going against him! It is his daughter!!

Indeed it is his daughter.

The agreement was that she could go.
The Dad then announces to DD and his wife that he's changed his mind. No discussion, no explanation and insists that his wife collects DD from the party at 9pm.

You really think both the DD and the wife (OP) should simply accept that as the final decision?

Why?

BertrandRussell · 30/09/2015 08:07

"I can't believe people are using phrases like 'pandering to DH' and talking about going against him! It is his daughter!!"

So do you think the OP should just accept her ds's decidion?

Mrsjayy · 30/09/2015 08:17

My dh has allowed Dds to do stuff in the past that i didnt like and me him parents dont have to agree on everything and 1 parent doesnt trump another for the final say imo. Dh let dd go camping at 16 after her exams i was having kittens but he trusted her enough to let her go

Grapejuicerocks · 30/09/2015 08:40

It's a long time since I've heard the expression "having kittens" - blast from the past.

How did the chat go, op?

Mrsjayy · 30/09/2015 08:44

Im very old Grin

Grapejuicerocks · 30/09/2015 09:51

Obviously so am I Grin

Jeffreythegiraffe · 30/09/2015 11:41

What happened op?

Original poster
Songofsixpence · 30/09/2015 12:59

Sorry, having one of those days.

We had a good chat last night about what was worrying him and he's accepted that we can't punish her for something she hasn't done and we need to trust her. If she blows it, she blows it, we'll face it if/when it happens.

I was extremely pissed off that he just announced it, in front of DD, without discussing it with me first. I understand he is concerned about her welfare, as am I, but he has to curb his worst excesses of protective father.

So, she's going. I'll be on the end of the phone if she needs me, but I'm not going to be asking her to check in with me.

He gave her a lift to school this morning and he's said they had a chat, he apologised for upsetting her and they had a chat about alcohol - he said she seemed adamant she wouldn't.

He's actually really surprised me with all this, he's usually far more laid back and gung ho about stuff than I am. They do sailing and water sports together and they'll be out having a whale of a time while I'm having kittens (Grin I also use that phrase!) I think that's something where he knows what he's doing and is in control whereas this is all out of his control and he's having to trust someone else.

Anyway, all is good

OP posts:
AskingForAPal · 30/09/2015 13:02

That's great songof! Glad it's a happy result for everyone :) Nice that he had the decency to apologise to his daughter about it as well. Come back next week and tell us how it went!