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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel upset for my son

149 replies

flissfloss65 · 29/09/2015 09:36

My ex husband promised our son he would take him and step mum and their two children skiing early next year. In the end he said it was too expensive but would pay for him to go on school trip if there was one. Our son asked the school and they said they would let him know if one was organised. In the meantime ex has gone and booked a ski trip over Christmas for his family and another family and excluded our son. He even said there was a chalet available for 9 but thought our son would prefer to go with school. I said he would not and would be upset at not going with them and why hadn't he asked our son what he would prefer. Ex said it was his call and that was what he had decided.

I have kept out of all this as it's his holiday but I decided to just check about school trip as it's very late in day and they said there won't be one due to lack of numbers. So now our son has no holiday. Let the ex know the situation, I think he should have really made sure there was a trip before booking and excluding our son. I have left it with ex and haven't heard back. Hoping he can sort something out.

AIBU to feel so sad that our son has been left out? I think it's shitty behaviour on ex's part as our son was really excited about going with his dad and brother and sister. Ex just cannot see this.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 30/09/2015 18:54

My goodness what a nasty prick your ex is. In no way does ds have to stay with his dad if he does not want to. If he wants to go to his friend he shoukd or stay at home with you. I am at him sabourtaging ds plans, what a nasty piece of work.

Original poster

flissfloss65 · 30/09/2015 21:13

Saga continues. Ex rang and spoke to ds this evening, causing more upset as he thinks both ds and I have overreacted to his behaviour. I hate him so bloody much!!

I have sent ex a very concise email asking him to stop slating me to ds and to stop saying I have stirred things up and made ds see things from my view. Utter crap. I have been really restrained and held my tongue.

From now on only email contact between us. Ds can make all arrangements direct with his dad. Ex can also get round to looking at school website for parent evening info, 6th form open evenings, etc. rather than me always telling him about such things.

On a more positive note ds knows he has been able to stand up to his dad and challenge his behaviour towards him.

OP posts:

nilbyname · 30/09/2015 21:47

It's just so bloody annoying, he's just such a messed up ass hat.
I really hope that your ds has a lovely holiday regardless, and your ex pulls his bloody socks up!

Just keep the moral
High ground and watch your ex squirm. Because squirming he is. Good!

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 30/09/2015 23:27

I don't think your DS should go to his dad's this weekend. I have a DS of a similar age myself, and wouldn't want him to be subject to the guilt trip & accusations that ExH will be trying - along the lines already mentioned "you're being childish/overreacting" etc. Really, anything that makes DS feel like he is in any way in the wrong & pushes blame on to him.

With every update I hate the cunt more. And I've never even met him!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/10/2015 00:35

Your poor DS. And poor you, having to put up with that sort of shit - at least you have the benefit of knowing it's not true, but still the injustice stings, eh?

If I were your DS, I'd be considering a nasty bout of D&V this weekend...

SteppingOnLegos · 01/10/2015 01:26

I'd be tempted to contact the SM! Send a private message asking her for "advice" on the situation - (not that you actually want or need it!) that way you could gauge her feelings towards it all.

antimatter · 01/10/2015 01:36

Horrible for your son!My ds is in year 11 and I am taking him skiing half term in FEb. My dd said that she didn't really study much during that week (she is in y 13 now and got very good marks in her GCSE'S).

That is obviously not relevant as much as your situation goes. I just wanted you to know that if there was skiing trip for your son then he should consider it.

shadowfax07 · 01/10/2015 01:45

YWNBU and YANBU, fliss. My parents were divorced, and sadly, the scales fell from my eyes about my father at a far younger age than your son. It is a horrible thing to go through, realising that someone you should be able to rely on, can't be any more.

I was always 'daddy's little girl' growing up, and the first any of his children knew that he'd married the OW was when we received a postcard when they were on honeymoon. . It still hurts, over 30 years later. Please continue to encourage your son to challenge his father's behaviour, I wasn't allowed to. He will have healthier adult relationships than I do.

anklebitersmum · 01/10/2015 02:28

What. A. Twunt.

My DS too, has had to face the sad reality that is his father. Sixteen this year and hasn't seen or heard from him since 2011. Not even when he got married (father not DS).

DS is under no illusions, and that's not at my hand. I think he really 'turned' when he suddenly saw through why, when he was 8, Santa delivered his presents to our house by mistake because he 'wasn't in bed in time' at his father's.

OhFuckWhatHaveIDone · 01/10/2015 02:35

Your DS is too old to be obliged to spend time with his father if he doesn't want to, regardless of how he treats him. If his dad was perfectly nice and DS just wasn't interested I'd be encouraging continued contact, but as it is he's old enough to decide not to go this weekend. Sounds like his dad needs to wake up to how old his child now is and that he doesn't get to be so controlling.

madwomanbackintheattic · 01/10/2015 03:17

Glad xh has reconsidered the hol. If it falls through, I'm quite happy to host a well mannered 15yo skier here. have dd1(15), ds1((13) and dd2 (12) who would be quite happy to show him the ropes - just get him a flight ticket to Calgary . Dh has watched his dad's family do the same thing thing to his brother and sister (same mum, diff dad) and is v aware of how rough it is on the kids involved. Second class citizens even in their 50s...

Aeroflotgirl · 01/10/2015 07:35

Your ds is 15, is old enough now to make his own choices about contact, has the right not to go if he chooses not too. You support him in what he chooses to do, if he does not want to go to his cockwomble sorry excuse for a father this weekend, he has every right not to. I would not speak to ex again, he can make contact areangements through ds if ds wants contact.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/10/2015 14:30

How is your ds today fliss, is he going to his dads?

Original poster

flissfloss65 · 02/10/2015 18:34

Thanks for asking. Really proud of ds and the way he has handled his dad's behaviour. He explained I had not done any stirring and it was his dad who had messed up by excluding him. Ds said his dad's attitude towards me was just as upsetting as his actions over the holiday.

Ex forbade ds from sleepover and said he must stay at his house. Ds said he was old enough to choose whether to visit his dad or not now. I think this astounded ex as ds has always gone eow without fail. This made ex think and he has backed down over sleepover and will see ds on Sunday.

Ds has not forgiven his dad but loves him, nevertheless, and he wants to see his half siblings.

As far as ex is concerned, I have no wish to ever see the thoughtless bastard ever again.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 02/10/2015 19:01

Wow good on your awsome ds, , isent he fantastic. Obviously not taken after his awful father. Yes he is old enough to mAke his own decisions and not to be shat upon buy his deadbeat dad. No yiu don't have to have any contact with him, ds can make his own arrangements. Thanks for updating .

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 02/10/2015 19:07

Leave contact to your DS, he's old enough to decide.

His dad is an awful man, who leaves a child out of a family holiday.

Perhaps those who say adulys should be able to leave their step children out of family holidays may have a change of heart. The dad is bad but the step mother equally so, all children should have been included.

Jux · 02/10/2015 19:55

Way to go, ds! Brilliant. You must be so proud of him.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/10/2015 01:06

Your DS is a credit to you, Fliss. Is he going to go on his sleepover after all? Good for him, hope he's checked with the parents after his bloody Dad's interference there!

And hopefully your stupid ex will now start to realise he's dealing with a young man now, not a small child, and alter his behaviour accordingly.

kali110 · 03/10/2015 02:09

What an arsehole!!!

rookiemere · 03/10/2015 13:21

Being cynical I do wonder if Flaky Father(FF) has actually amended the booking or not.
He may look for a reasons for DS to be in trouble and then take the holiday away from him.
I do hope this isn't the case, but I wouldn't be altogether surprised.

Oh and as for the StepMum - FF probably told her that DS would be going/or would prefer to go on the school trip which may be why she didn't expect him to be included.

LisbethSalandersLaptop · 03/10/2015 13:25

what a total cunt

m1nniedriver · 03/10/2015 21:20

Cookie, If you're refering to the other thread that was running you really can't they are completely different situations! to ask him along, lie and tell him there's no holiday because they can't afford it then book it leaving him out that is shite!!

Starkswillriseagain · 03/10/2015 21:45

I hope your DS is okay fliss and wasn't pressured into seeing your ex.

mineofuselessinformation · 03/10/2015 21:50

I'm coming very late to this, and your recents posts have confirmed what I wanted to say - that kids work out what their parents are like, even if they don't talk about it much.
One of my dcs has been through this, and another is getting their first taste.
Ex took OW away on a very expensive animal based holiday in another country... But didn't take youngest or even offer. And had the cheek to ask me to have them on 'his' weekend (of course I don't mind having them! )
He offered to 'pay me back', but naturally that hasn't materialised.

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