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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel upset for my son

149 replies

flissfloss65 · 29/09/2015 09:36

My ex husband promised our son he would take him and step mum and their two children skiing early next year. In the end he said it was too expensive but would pay for him to go on school trip if there was one. Our son asked the school and they said they would let him know if one was organised. In the meantime ex has gone and booked a ski trip over Christmas for his family and another family and excluded our son. He even said there was a chalet available for 9 but thought our son would prefer to go with school. I said he would not and would be upset at not going with them and why hadn't he asked our son what he would prefer. Ex said it was his call and that was what he had decided.

I have kept out of all this as it's his holiday but I decided to just check about school trip as it's very late in day and they said there won't be one due to lack of numbers. So now our son has no holiday. Let the ex know the situation, I think he should have really made sure there was a trip before booking and excluding our son. I have left it with ex and haven't heard back. Hoping he can sort something out.

AIBU to feel so sad that our son has been left out? I think it's shitty behaviour on ex's part as our son was really excited about going with his dad and brother and sister. Ex just cannot see this.

OP posts:

Fratelli · 29/09/2015 14:36

He sounds like a horrible person. Your ds will remember this forever. I can't imagine how upset you are for him

MrsJorahMormont · 29/09/2015 14:45

Your ex is in need of a kick in the crotch

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 29/09/2015 14:52

Why the hell doesn't the cockwomble understand the point? His DS wants to go on the promised ski holiday with his family FGS! He doesn't want to feel excluded & rejected and packed off on his own!

Bloody hell! Give me his number, I'll call him too - after everyone else has had a go.

What is your DSs relationship like with his SM? Of course DS is your ex's responsibility and he damn well should be including ALL of his DCs on a family holiday - and if there's not room for everyone, nobody goes - but why has SM not set your ex straight about this before now? I'm not sure she should be happy to arrange a holiday excluding her DSS either!

Aeroflotgirl · 29/09/2015 15:06

I think stepmother has a hand in this. I feel she did nit want DSS there, just her, dad, and her DC, not ds, hence the sudden change. But that is no excuse for ds treatment by his dad.

rookiemere · 29/09/2015 15:59

That's just crap OP.

Can you email him back and explain what you've said here - that the big thing for your DS was going with his family. Can he not be squeezed in with his step-siblings, or can the booking not be amended for the 9 person chalet? Perhaps he could send you the details and you could have a try to see what you could do?

If he isn't taking DS because he doesn't fit into his nice shiny new family, then he needs to own that decision, not send the poor lad packing on a solo ski holiday.

I would say that the next best thing for your DS if he can't go on the family holiday is for ExH to go with him - the two of them at Feb or Easter half term, that way at least your DS gets some semblance of a holiday with his DF.

Jux · 29/09/2015 16:12

Next best thing to a family holiday with his dad, is a holiday with his best mate and his dad. I think the least your ex could do would be to take ds and a mate skiing himself. Then ds can spend the holiday with his dad, but ignore him and have more fun with his mate, dad in the background being the nobody he is.

rookiemere · 29/09/2015 16:39

Realistically though DF is not going to spring for a ski holiday for 3, particularly during school holidays which is very expensive and if there's 3 going then might need 2 rooms.

DF much more likely to go for the idea of additional ski holiday with teenage DS who is likely to be better skier than younger DCs and if it's the step mum who is causing the problem she can hardly disagree with this.

Re the action adventure ski thing - I had a quick look at the website - looks okay, but rock bottom basic accommodation and doesn't seem to include flights and transfers. I'd not be happy with a 15yr old having to make their way to the resort by themselves. I don't know if the PGL ones include transport but I'd insist if DS goes by himself (which should be a last resort) then it's a trip that includes escorted travel.

Another option is that DS could have the promise from his DF of funding for the school ski trip next year and then the back up if that doesn't happen is that they do a Dad/Son trip.

NicoleWatterson · 29/09/2015 17:09

Sorry aero it doesn't read clearly I didn't mean op taking her son I meant dipshit dad taking his son must be cheaper than paying to send him off on his own.

How does the dad not see it screams 'I'd sooner pay than spend time with you'

Aeroflotgirl · 29/09/2015 17:16

How cock dad has treated ds, is disgusting, this is not the first time, ds missed out on Eurodisney and Cantre Parks, he has a form for this. He has been very sneaky and underhanded in his behaviour. Don't picture him booking a separate father and son ski trip somehow.

rookiemere · 29/09/2015 17:40

Ah yes but even if deadbeat dad is working purely from motivation of self interest, then if he is a keen skier a ski trip with teenage DS is likely to be rather appealing.

DS will be reasonably good skier. He won't have to worry about younger DCs. He gets an additional ski holiday that his DW cannot reasonably complain about.

Just might work.

Waltermittythesequel · 29/09/2015 17:53

Can't really understand why people are so keen to blame the step here! OP has said they get along fine.

Personally, I wouldn't be pushing for ex to take him. He obviously doesn't want him there and I'd be worried about how ds would be made to feel.

Nor would I even be considering one of those PGL trips. So his dad gets to throw money at the problem and his own child can fuck off alone for a week?

I would let ex explain it and then do my best to afford a holiday for the two of you.

Fucking arsehole.

Waltermittythesequel · 29/09/2015 17:54

Also, can I just say I don't even think this is as bad as going to Euro Disney without him. Bastard.

rookiemere · 29/09/2015 17:59

You're clearly not a skier Waltermitty !

MascaraAndConverse · 29/09/2015 18:09

Walter I would say it is because they are a partnership (OP's ex and his DW/DP)They both would have made the decision to book the holiday. So really, they have both excluded the OP's DS not just the father.

Maryz · 29/09/2015 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CatMilkMan · 29/09/2015 18:24

Fuck your ex with the power of the sun, I hope he breaks his leg on the first day and spends the entire Holliday stuck in a chair. What a fucking cunt.

Waltermittythesequel · 29/09/2015 18:45

YY Mascara but she shouldn't even be a factor.

If I had even attempted to tell my dh that his child wasn't allowed to come on holiday with us he'd have told me where to go!

This is all on him.

Jux · 29/09/2015 19:23

My brother shattered his shoulder skiing by getting off ski lift awkwardly to avoid landing on a woman who hadn't moved away when she got off. It was his first lift on his first day that year. Spent a week in a Swiss hospital and then came home to a crap UK one. (Bro is an experienced skier, used to go two or three times a year.)

I have asked him to send his luck to your ex.

Jux · 29/09/2015 19:25

Maybe your ex could send you and ds on a skiing holiday? That might make it up to ds a smidgeon.

Original poster

flissfloss65 · 29/09/2015 19:34

God, how was I ever married to such a totally self centred and selfish git. I told ex I was not happy with ds going alone on a ski trip and he should try and change his booking to include ds.

Ex rang ds after school and presented him with 3 choices, family holiday, PGL style trip, on own, or poss school trip following year. Without any prompting from me, how I contained myself I do not know, ds questioned why he was being given options instead of just being included on family trip. He has seen through his dad, is very upset at being seen as separate from the rest of the family. He was really cross with his dad but loves him and so agreed to go on family holiday.

But he said his view of his dad has changed and he feels he manipulates things to his own advantage. Ex started slating me to ds, saying I was influencing ds's choice, as ex felt sure ds would prefer solo trip! But I hadn't said a thing to him about all this prior to his dad's chat with him. God I hate him so much. Ds is such a kind teen and felt bad after for getting cross with his dad.

OP posts:

nilbyname · 29/09/2015 20:09

So you're ex can include him now? Well that's a result for your ds. I'm sort of pleased about that. Your poor son though, how callous his dad is and how horrid it is for him to feel that.

I still want your ex's number, I'm in a foul mood, Scottish, and ripe for ripping him a new one.

TheCatsMother99 · 29/09/2015 20:12

Your son's father is a seriously shitty person.

aibubenadhem · 29/09/2015 20:15

What an excuse of a bastard. He's clearly your ex for very good reason.

Original poster

flissfloss65 · 29/09/2015 20:23

I would love that nilbyname! This weekend is ds's weekend at his dad's but ds has just arranged to stay over at a friend's house on Saturday night rather than see his dad. It will take a lot to get over this. Ds is upset at the moment and unfortunately has a gcse written ca tomorrow.

Thanks for all your thoughts on this. It really helped me clarify the situation and push for ex to change his plans to include ds.

OP posts:

nilbyname · 29/09/2015 20:27

Honestly, how can he love with himself! It's despicable behaviour and he will lose his son, lose his heart.

You deserve a gold medal, fighting his corner and trying to keep the relationship going. Hats off to all separated/divorced parents. You're a wonderful mum.

Now, that number .....

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