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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Brothers one night stand & baby..

129 replies

MumOfOne14 · 28/09/2015 18:55

So my DS was born being the youngest of 3 cousins, I had a rough labour & an even rougher time BFing. Had my family to support me & it was great... Then my Bros one night stand shows up with baby in arms. It's hard to make this short but here goes... I was selfishly looking forward to my time being fussed as a first time mum, my DS being fussed for being the baby & first boy of the family & then the other one came along. My brother still lives at home & wants nothing to do with mother & baby. I know it's not little baby's fault & I feel for her I really do, but now the mum has been adopted into the family. She lives down the road & I live an hour away & since her arrival I've had maybe two visits off my parents in about 4months. It's all been one sided where I've had to drive down there. They take her & the baby for days out everywhere & have them over the house at least 4 times a week. I know I may be being a total bitch, but I'm feeling so left out & I know if I say too much to my parents they will be mad, "cos the poor mum hasn't got much & is on her own". I'm feeling so isolated from my family & every time I do go to visit she is always always there! I can't remember the last time I had a quiet moment with my mum. AIBU and a jealous bitch?? Please correct me if I am!!

OP posts:
kimlo · 28/09/2015 19:04

I dont think you are being. But you need to talk to your parents and tell them how you are feeling and that you want to spend some time with just them.

ajandjjmum · 28/09/2015 19:04

Can you not just say to your Mum 'I really miss having time with you', and maybe plan a day out just for the two of you?

QuestioningStuff · 28/09/2015 19:09

You are being a bit of a brat. I can kind of understand where you're coming from but that's life sometimes. This baby is your niece/nephew and you sound really resentful towards it. I'd spend less time worrying about being the centre of attention and more time being proud of my parents for stepping up where my useless brother hasn't.

If you want time alone with your mum/parents then tell them that. You don't need to make it about the baby or anyone else just say you want some quality time with them.

coconutpie · 28/09/2015 19:10

YANBU. You need to tell your parents how you feel. There may be another grandchild but they seem to just be prioritising this other woman's needs over yours and have cast you aside. That sucks. Talk to your mum.

sproketmx · 28/09/2015 19:11

I would go with what aj said. They're probably trying to overcompensate for your brother being a knob about it and make the baby feel welcome in the family since your Bro hasn't done it. They probably just assume ur pretty secure in your position in the family.

Vixxfacee · 28/09/2015 19:11

Yabu and your brother sounds like a knob. The baby is lucky that your family have welcome him into the family.

I can understand you feel pushed out but perhaps just speak to your mum.

BrianCoxReborn · 28/09/2015 19:15

You are being jealous and a brat BUT I think it's understandable. However, life ain't fair and sometimes you have to take a back seat.

Speak to your mum, don't make a big drama just say "I'd love to spend time with you and dad, how about you come up.for the weekend?"

I actually think it sounds like they are perhaps compensating for your arsehole of a brother (I'm assuming he consented to unprotected sex and didn't give a shit about the consequences? sore point ) They sound like really lovely grandparents and are doing what they can for their grandbaby, in the hope of maintaining a relationship where otherwise there would be none.

But it sucks to be you, watching from the outside. Can you make a playdate with the other mum? Maybe get to know your nephew and bond, also show support and in return you're in the midst and likely to become part of the new dynamic, instead of feeling left out.

Thelushinthepub · 28/09/2015 19:17

Your parents sound nice. Why don't you speak to them about how you feel?

RabbitSaysWoof · 28/09/2015 19:18

YANBU. That's rough, I agree you should talk to your Mum you don't need to mention this woman or baby at all to say you miss them and are disappointed that you are not seeing them as much as you had hoped, or on your own.
Tbh I don't think that would be unreasonable to feel like that without you having just had a baby.

Spartans · 28/09/2015 19:37

You are bu a bit. Although I am assuming you may have in laws near by and tour brothers ex doesn't.

Even if that's not true, can you imagine if that poor baby will grow up knowing that not only his father that didn't want him but the fathers family too.

Unfortunately we can not anticipate all eventualities and things rarely turn out the way expected. I would doubt you parents would be over all the time even if this baby didn't exist.

You do need o tell your parents you would like them to come over and spend sometime with ou and your baby, alone.

You don't have to be mean about it.

BoskyCat · 28/09/2015 19:40

You've just had your first baby OP, it's an emotional and exhausting time and I can totally understand you finding this hard. I agree your parents are probably trying to do the decent thing and welcome this baby and mum, to make up for your brother's attitude. (But I can't help thinking that's not putting any responsibility on him, is it? They should be encouraging him to have a relationship with his child, instead they're taking over.)

This baby is their grandchild and deserving of their attention just as your baby is, but you are their daughter and this other mum isn't. I can see why it hurts.

I would talk to them/your mum and just explain as kindly as calmly as possible, that you are sad and feel a bit left out and would like some time with them just for you and your DS.

Do you have ILs who can be supportive to you, I know that's not the same thing but if you do you could turn to them for some of the fussing you crave (and I mean that in a nice way, I do know what you mean :))

Original poster
MumOfOne14 · 28/09/2015 19:41

Thanks everyone, yeah I think they are compensating for my knob of a brother!! But I feel like it's at my expense! I'm the one paying for it not my brother. He's sat happy upstairs & I'm missing a family. Yeah I may be secure in my family but does that mean I don't need a phone call now & again, or a visit?? My poor DS hardly knows his grandparents, I feel more sorry for him. I know if I ask for alone time with them I'll be made to feel guilty. And when I have on the rare occasion had alone time, the mother is FaceTiming my mum!!! I'm not against spending time with her DD & she'll be a little pal for my DS.

OP posts:
Original poster
MumOfOne14 · 28/09/2015 19:44

Yes I have amazing in laws, but I guess I do just really miss my family. It's hard looking on Facebook at the end of the day & they've had a lovely day out down Tenby & I wasn't even considered!!

OP posts:
Spartans · 28/09/2015 19:51

Does she have in laws?

It's not at your expense, it's the situation. Don't make it about choosing between you all.

If you have amazing in laws and she doesn't have much support I can understand them. They are both their grand children. Yours is not more imporatant. If it came as a shock too, it might be just a bit of panic about not knowing what to do for the best, or hoping if they show their son that the child won't be pushed out then he will come round.

They are probably scared that if they don't include her she may disappear and they won't see their grand child. They are acting in a tunnel vision manner.

But you need to speak to them calmly and kindly. You can't complain if you never raise the problem.

I suspect they feel a bit panicked about this situation

Fratelli · 28/09/2015 19:51

They probably feel like they need to make off for your brother being what I would call a bad person fot not taking responsibility for his child. The fact is she doesn't have anyone. Just ask your mum if she can come over on her own as you would like some time together.
It's also not nice to refer to your niece's/nephew's (unsure what the sex is) mother as "my brother's one night stand". It's also not nice to refer to s baby as "the other one.

BrianCoxReborn · 28/09/2015 19:53

Oh that's rotten Sad

You need to speak to your mum and dad. Resentment is going to eat at you otherwise.

Bellebella · 28/09/2015 19:59

I kind of think you sound like a brat as well. It's not the other one, it's your niece who did not ask to be born. She is just as important as your son. It's understandable really your parents are making a big effort with the mother. How else are they going to see their granddaughter since your brother is being such a knob.

I can however see how you miss your parents but you need to talk to them about it. They sound really decent people.

Original poster
MumOfOne14 · 28/09/2015 20:00

Sorry it's just I don't want to name names & they were never together! So My nieces mum then. She has a mum, no dad & 3 older sisters with families & a brother. Plenty of family! Yeah my parents are over compensating. But it's just making the distance between us even bigger. & she's not the easiest person to be around either. Very outspoken & has been there & done that more than anyone else!! Sorry that was bitchy but not sorry!!

OP posts:
Original poster
MumOfOne14 · 28/09/2015 20:02

Yes sorry I take back saying the other one, she is a beautiful baby girl & I do feel for her not havin a dad around!

OP posts:
RiverTam · 28/09/2015 20:04

I don't think you're bring a brat at all. Your feelings are perfectly valid. Yes, your parents are clearly lovely and are doing their very best for this girl, but I can completely see how you are missing your family and the times you were hoping to have with them.

I think you just have to have a good honest conversation with your mum.

Original poster
MumOfOne14 · 28/09/2015 20:09

Thanks RiverTam, I think when my DS was born I was hoping we would all do a lot together, but they only seem to have time for them now. There's no balance at all!!

OP posts:
spanisharmada · 28/09/2015 20:14

I'm sorry I think I'm totally missing the point, but your parents sound lovely! Talk to them about how you feel, just be mindful of how you put it.

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 28/09/2015 20:14

I get it. Actually I really get it! I'm in a similar situation with my parents and ex-SIL. They live minutes away from eachother, I'm a 30 minute drive away. She refers to my parents as her 'adopted parents' on Facebook and tags my mum in twee mother-daughter shit. Can't remember the last time we had a phone call or a visit from them that wasn't based around some practical reason. It's been going on for years with me though, so it's a bit easier to say 'ah fuck 'em', for me.

I don't think you sound brattish, I think you sound like you miss your family Thanks

I would look at it like this; they're busy being good people and trying to do what's right, making up for what your brother is lacking in - which is great, they're clearly trying their best. But a conversation is needed here, and more effort made on both sides to keep you all close.

Alisvolatpropiis · 28/09/2015 20:17

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all actually.

And neglecting you in favour of her isn't actually screaming "lovely thoughtful people", to me personally.

ImperialBlether · 28/09/2015 20:19

I can completely understand your feelings. You have looked forward to this and now you are being pushed out of the way. It's all very well your parents over-compensating for your dickhead brother but they shouldn't do it at your expense.

You need to have an honest conversation with your mum. Don't put it in writing because if she shows the other woman you will get really upset.

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