Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Brothers one night stand & baby..

129 replies

MumOfOne14 · 28/09/2015 18:55

So my DS was born being the youngest of 3 cousins, I had a rough labour & an even rougher time BFing. Had my family to support me & it was great... Then my Bros one night stand shows up with baby in arms. It's hard to make this short but here goes... I was selfishly looking forward to my time being fussed as a first time mum, my DS being fussed for being the baby & first boy of the family & then the other one came along. My brother still lives at home & wants nothing to do with mother & baby. I know it's not little baby's fault & I feel for her I really do, but now the mum has been adopted into the family. She lives down the road & I live an hour away & since her arrival I've had maybe two visits off my parents in about 4months. It's all been one sided where I've had to drive down there. They take her & the baby for days out everywhere & have them over the house at least 4 times a week. I know I may be being a total bitch, but I'm feeling so left out & I know if I say too much to my parents they will be mad, "cos the poor mum hasn't got much & is on her own". I'm feeling so isolated from my family & every time I do go to visit she is always always there! I can't remember the last time I had a quiet moment with my mum. AIBU and a jealous bitch?? Please correct me if I am!!

OP posts:
Original poster
MumOfOne14 · 28/09/2015 21:41

And yeah it does feel really out of the blue. And the mother is always comparing her little one to mine.. "Mine weighs more, yours can laugh, so what" I am finding it so hard. It's like ok I feel for little one, but should I really have to treat her & accept her as my long lost sister???

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 28/09/2015 21:53

Grazia

  1. what has that got to do with anything the op has posted?

  2. are you a namechanger?

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 28/09/2015 21:58

You have to realise that at any point if another girl/woman of your age comes into the family and your mum wants to forge a relationship with her then that is going to cause all the dynamics to shift. It's essentially a grown-up version of sibling jealousy when a new baby arrives. The new woman has no real connection with your parents and they know it so they probably feel they have to try extra hard to make sure she does stick around as they want to have a relationship with their grandchild. With you, they are probably waaaaay more secure and possibly assume that they will always have a relationship with you and your child so they aren't going bananas over you. I think you may have felt like this anyway even if you hadn't just had a baby but had just got a new SIL. The fact that you have extra hormones rushing around doesn't help you think straight.

Try to be logical - your parents love you. They most probably adore your baby. They most probably have no clue that you could possibly be feeling or thinking this way. In all truth they cannot treat you and the new woman equally (eg 50/50 visits etc) because then she wouldn't feel loved enough to stick around.

My advice to you - if you have a good dh and inlaws then let them have their time to dote on baby and fuss over you. It will make them feel happy. And remind yourself that in several months from now things will settle in your family (hopefully) and the relationship btwn you and them will strengthen again. There is no point causing more friction in an already difficult situation. (Fwiw I don't think you are BU to feel this way, but I think it is sensible to take a more pragmatic approach when your family is going through an upheaval in emotions). Also i think it was an excellent suggestion from a pp for you to make a connection with this woman - so she stops being the 'woman' and becomes instead your pal and thus you will feel less irritated when your parents fuss over her.
Good luck!

Maryz · 28/09/2015 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 28/09/2015 22:01
  • meant to say 'it will make them and you happy' (letting inlaws fuss)
Starkswillriseagain · 28/09/2015 22:02

He is the golden boy. I'm guessing they baby, him, excuse him, have different rules and expectations? While they'd be annoyed or upset if you or your Dsis did something, they'd excuse it if he did?

I would ignore the competition. Speak to your parents but don't expect much. It might be worth getting soem advice on favoured children and golden kids.

Starkswillriseagain · 28/09/2015 22:03

By competition, i don't mean Dneice but the competing and comparing babies.

Scremersford · 28/09/2015 22:04

Tinkly Going against the grain a bit, but although your brother has been a bit of an idiot, he seems to be having a relationship he never wanted forced upon him. If the girl is round at your parents' house four times a week I'm not surprised he's hiding in his room.

I agree, unfortunate for the child, but are your parents trying to force your brother into a relationship with the mother of this child or something?

Its so, so strange. And while I can understand the mother of a child born out of a one night stand to a man who is disinterested welcoming a relationship with the child's grandparents, what is she doing there 4 times a week? Where does your DB go when she visits? Do they have any contact with each other at all?

sugar21 · 28/09/2015 22:13

Grin at going back to work full time at two weeks.
Yeah ok what about feeding, childcare, stitches, midwife and hv visits, lack of sleep, sore norks, lochia trying to walk etc

Don't know what too add op as pp have already covered what I was going to say.
Hope you get the situation resolved anyway.

Prettyinblue · 28/09/2015 22:14

Gracia, have you got an island?

Original poster
MumOfOne14 · 28/09/2015 22:22

Yeah I think so scremersford, I think the mother still fancies/likes my brother, but he really doesn't have time for her. I think my parents are wishful thinking that they will get together!! He just sits up in his room the whole time, he's probably held baby twice whilst the mum wasn't there!!

OP posts:
GreatFuckability · 28/09/2015 22:22

Talk to them. You sound jealous and resentful and bitter on lots of levels and the only way to sort it is to have a conversation. If your mum is your best friend then surely you can talk?

Florriesma · 28/09/2015 22:23

Just wondering.. does your mother have a rescuing tendency? Does the person with the worst sob story gets all the attention? Until the next sob story comes along?

I know a few people like this. I have always felt really sorry for their kidsad they seem to get left out. If she is there's isn't much you can do about it. But Yanbu. Maybe a slightly idealised view of happy families though

lurkinginthenorth · 28/09/2015 22:39

Maybe your mum is frightened that the baby would be brought up by a single mum who may be volatile, unpredictable and safeguarding future visitations?

I may be barking up the wrong tree, but lots of babies I know born to one-night stands or relationships in the early stages (even those who got pregnant delibrately - I know of two!) tend to loose contact with the dad and thus dad's family due to mum blocking visitations or dad's being a knob? Complete generalisation but I bet I am not the only one that 'often' sees this!

I feel for you. My mum looked after my DS as a baby/toddler and went to lots of groups with him. She made friends with a lot of my mum friends whom I decreased contact with due to work, but I still saw them. Over time my friends became 'better friends' with my mum and often I felt they were 'muscling in' on my mum's time, affection and eagerness to look after the toddlers (using my mum to play with their kids to the expense of my DS who was feeling jealous and having to 'share' his DGM with his little friends). He isn't like this now; but hard being a toddler. Anyways, I told my mum in a round-a-bout way that she should go to groups and not me (on mat leave currently) because they get on better with her than with me. I think she realised I was feeling pushed out and has now backed off from my mum friends quite a bit.

What I am saying is, there is NO WAY to fix this until you tell her how you are feeling. No decent mum would ridicule or trivialise how you feel. Age shouldn't come into it. She's your mother. End of.

Original poster
MumOfOne14 · 28/09/2015 22:53

Yeah maybe Florriesma, but what's gonna happen when the next one comes along & the next?? Who knows. Yeah I'll speak to her soon,hopefully she won't take it the wrong way.

OP posts:
FanOfSpam · 28/09/2015 23:29

Anyone who goes back to work after two weeks is an arsewipe and has no place even being on Mumsnet.

OP, it's bloody not on that your parents are putting this random and the offspring of your DB's irresponsible loins before you. Fuck them off - they've made their choice.

BrianCoxReborn · 28/09/2015 23:56

Oh gawd, I thought Xenia was long gone

She'll be back to educate us all on working mothers no doubt. At 2 weeks post baby I was still hobbling around,.bleeding profusely , infected wound and breastmilk spewing forth at the slightest brush of clothing. Not to mention the foreboding PND,.creeping in each day, undetected.

I can't see that going down too well if you're chairing a meeting.

Maybe I'm just weak willed.

Sorry for derail OP. As you were.

HoursTurnIntoDays · 29/09/2015 00:00

Your parents might be worried that if they don't keep on very good terms with the baby's mother that they might lose contact with their grandchild.

sproketmx · 29/09/2015 00:19

Jeez, you'd be heckled in the street here if you left a baby at two weeks to go back to work. You'd never shake the bad mum tag from the whole village Shock

Op I really do think they're just trying to do the best for a baby who they may consider isn't having the best start in life. They might think since you have your shit together you're ok and don't need them as much.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 29/09/2015 00:57

I don't think you're bring a brat at all. Your feelings are perfectly valid. Yes, your parents are clearly lovely and are doing their very best for this girl, but I can completely see how you are missing your family and the times you were hoping to have with them

I agree with this, however just because your feelings are valid and understandable it does not automatically follow that it would be right or reasonable to do anything other than change the way you think.

There is nothing wrong with them forging a significant relationship with the baby and mother there is nothing wrong with spending lots of time with them there is also nothing wrong with them compensating for your brothers piss poor behaviour. All of those things are commendable loving actions and actions they should not have to change or stop just to appease you.

fanofspam you are lucky you live in a country that lets you take more than a handful of weeks ML many many mothers don't. you are also lucky to be in a position where you can take more than two weeks off because again many mothers are not so lucky.
Some mothers have little to no choice (myself included)

That was a fucking diabolical comment to make

Italiangreyhound · 29/09/2015 01:30

MumOfOne14 you are not being unreasonable. It sounds not very good at all. I agree with all the comments about your mum maybe doing this because she feels it is for the best. It sounds like the mum to your dn is trying to get to your db by the family but that won't go very far and maybe if she realises that she will disappear off. I say this because if she does it would be good for you not to be left feeling guilty etc! In your shoes I would do my best to make friends with this woman in your own right and had fun wit he two babies. Avoid all comparisons and bat any she serves up back with a simple "Oh I don;t like to compare these babies they are both gorgeous!" Then some suitable googey goo noises to your son and dn and suitable chin tickling!

Speak to your mum and make it clear it is about you
and her, and your son not seeing much of his grandma, if she joins the sots and says 'well, with blah blah and grand daughter here there is no time, etc, just make it clear you understand about her situation and blah blah and dn but you just want to spend some time with her too, just the two of you.

You do not sound 12 or a brat, you sound totally normal.

(and your brother needs emergency condom putting on classes pronto!)

Grazia1984 bizarre comment!

Italiangreyhound · 29/09/2015 01:32

... if she joins the dots...

Spartans · 29/09/2015 06:37

Ok, I do think you are being a bit bu like I said before.

But there is so much more to this. Maybe you didn't even realise. This is more about your mum and dad putting, your dad biological son first...again.

It's about them treating the son they are both blood related to differently and putting whatever is going on with him first.

grazia hat an awful thing to say.....and ridiculous.

Original poster
MumOfOne14 · 29/09/2015 06:59

Yeah I'm sick of them making excuses for my brother. I am trying to make an effort with her & my DN & often have to hold my tongue with some of the crap she comes out with. I just feel for my DS, he's missing out on family & at the moment it's all one sided, they never have time to come up here. But like you said, no good holding it all in, something needs to be said!!

OP posts:
Original poster
MumOfOne14 · 29/09/2015 07:01

Lol, no I couldn't have gone back to work at 2 wks having a c-sec then a breast abscess! Would've been a lot of tears!!! ShockConfused

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread