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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My Brothers one night stand & baby..

129 replies

MumOfOne14 · 28/09/2015 18:55

So my DS was born being the youngest of 3 cousins, I had a rough labour & an even rougher time BFing. Had my family to support me & it was great... Then my Bros one night stand shows up with baby in arms. It's hard to make this short but here goes... I was selfishly looking forward to my time being fussed as a first time mum, my DS being fussed for being the baby & first boy of the family & then the other one came along. My brother still lives at home & wants nothing to do with mother & baby. I know it's not little baby's fault & I feel for her I really do, but now the mum has been adopted into the family. She lives down the road & I live an hour away & since her arrival I've had maybe two visits off my parents in about 4months. It's all been one sided where I've had to drive down there. They take her & the baby for days out everywhere & have them over the house at least 4 times a week. I know I may be being a total bitch, but I'm feeling so left out & I know if I say too much to my parents they will be mad, "cos the poor mum hasn't got much & is on her own". I'm feeling so isolated from my family & every time I do go to visit she is always always there! I can't remember the last time I had a quiet moment with my mum. AIBU and a jealous bitch?? Please correct me if I am!!

OP posts:

Original poster

MumOfOne14 · 29/09/2015 07:02

Thanks for being honest everyone, I do appreciate everything you all day!

OP posts:

Grazia1984 · 29/09/2015 07:41

I was lucky not to have any problems so 2 weeks was fine (hard but fine) and necessary for the family finances. Also our families were hundreds of miles away so a visit 3 times a year was all there was.

diddl · 29/09/2015 08:20

I think that all you can do is try to arrange to see them on your terms-ask them to come to you or is there anywhere halfwayish that you could meet?

I think that what they do when you aren't there is obviously up to them, but when you do visit it would be nice to have some time alone with your mum.

All you can do is suggest it though.

And if not, perhaps think about pulling back for a while.

Spartans · 29/09/2015 08:58

Grazia that's all well and good but suggesting the OP is only upset because she is a bored sahm is not on. I say that as a mum who has worked 60 hours a week.

Original poster

MumOfOne14 · 29/09/2015 09:52

Yeah it's not cos I'm bored at all. I do work, but only 2 nights a week. I'm lucky enough to have a hubby who can earn for both of us. Which I know is rare in this day & age!!

OP posts:

Scremersford · 29/09/2015 10:31

tbh OP, it sounds like your parents have found a new "golden child" to spoil or even a new toy to play with by the sound of it.

And when say "spoil", I mean that quite literally. They haven't got the best judgment, your parents.

I think anyone would feel uncomfortable in your shoes. Its really odd behaviour. 4 days a week round at the house of a father who isn't interested and doesn't want the child. I mean, fair enough, if she made the decision to go ahead with the pregnancy, but hanging around an unwilling man's family in the hope of "converting" him is something else. But then the silly idiot still lives at home and messes around with other women...

Honestly OP, you're well out of it. I'd keep contact to a minimum. Your family are so dysfunctional, why would you want your child exposed to that?

FanOfSpam · 29/09/2015 10:34

Going back to work after two weeks 'due to finances' demonstrates a bloody shocking lack of foresight at best and, at worst, unforgivable greed.

Gottagetmoving · 29/09/2015 10:59

I think YABU.
You are a grown woman who has started her own family. You have a DH.
Of course you want your parents to show an interest and to be involved but you shouldn't be jealous of your parents supporting and loving their other grandchild in these circumstances.
Your brother is a waste of space. Your parents have stepped in and this is brilliant.
This girl lives nearer to them than you do so they are bound to see her and the child more than they see you and as someone else said, your parents could be concerned that they could lose their grandchild if they do not create a bond with the mother.
Of course you should tell your parents how you feel, but not in an accusing or attacking way.
They may feel you are fortunate to have a secure family with your baby, something this other girl does not have.

BadLad · 29/09/2015 12:16

Two weeks? Pah! Luxury.

My mother worked before, during and after my conception.

Theycallmemellowjello · 29/09/2015 12:20

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. But don't make this about you vs your niece's mum - it's about how much time your DPs are making for you and your DS. And stop thinking about the niece's mum as the 'one night stand'! Sounds like she'll be in your lives for a while. Could you even forge a relationship with her so it feels less antagonistic?

LaContessaDiPlump · 29/09/2015 12:30

During your conception, BadLad? That's a dedicated worker.

customercare · 29/09/2015 12:35

Spam just shut up.

Op could you go to your dp on a day the other person isnt visiting?

BadLad · 29/09/2015 12:37

Depends what she did for a living!

Sorry - I heard that today from someone whose English isn't that good, and thought it was funny. I'm assuming he meant pregnancy.

Derail over - as you were.

jorahmormont · 29/09/2015 12:57

During the conception? Oo-er

Spam what about dads who go back to work after two weeks (as that's often all they get as paternity leave) - or are they not as important as parents as mums are?

OP I really don't think you are BU. It sounds really tough.

Original poster

MumOfOne14 · 29/09/2015 13:50

Lol! That was funny.. Conception/ birth.. two completely different things!! Yeah I know she's gonna be in our lives a while, just wish they would put a little more effort into my DS. But you know I think I will take a small step back cos I don't want anything to do with my Brother atm anyway. He's not the type of person I want my DS around.

OP posts:

Original poster

MumOfOne14 · 29/09/2015 13:50

Hopefully he'll grow up & move out soon!! Knob!!

OP posts:

FanOfSpam · 29/09/2015 14:00

No I will not shut up. I'm responding to Grazia's preposterous assertion that the OP is somewhat bored of being a SAHM and that we should all do as she did, which is to effectively abandon your baby two weeks after birth. It is completely different for dads; they haven't birthed or nursed and it goes against nature for a mum to make that kind of choice at two weeks.

Original poster

MumOfOne14 · 29/09/2015 14:10

Honestly I think 2 weeks is way too little to spend at home with new baby. I took 10months off work & even that was a killer going back!! A mum & baby need that time to bond in my eyes. Sorry off subject!

OP posts:

Alisvolatpropiis · 29/09/2015 14:20

The poster who mentioned that is notorious for her views on working mothers. I wouldn't give her posts much headspace.

QforCucumber · 29/09/2015 14:20

fanofspam in the USA it's normal to go back to work after 2 weeks, with the 2 weeks usually being unpaid too. I am in the UK and a friend of mine is a childminder - self employed and went back after 2 weeks, a matter of not letting clients down aswell as family finances. People who do this should not be shamed and slated - and don't not care about their babies.

mumof from what you've said about how your brother gets away with murder, the attention they're showing his baby is probably due to the favouring of him.
I definitely think you need to have a chat - ask if they're busy say next weekend and if they'd like to do something with you and the baby as he's changing so much. You don't have to be nasty about it.

Original poster

MumOfOne14 · 29/09/2015 14:42

Duly noted alisvolatpropiis!! Thanks for the advice everyone. I do really feel for people who have to work with a newborn.

OP posts:

FanOfSpam · 29/09/2015 17:49

No-one has to work with a newborn. They simply won't consider putting their career second.

RiverTam · 29/09/2015 17:55

The career that is paying for the home, food, clothes and all the rest of it? No, God forbid any parent should think providing for those things is important.

KourtneyK · 29/09/2015 18:29

I was still sitting on that donut cushion thingy 2 weeks after giving birth!

jorahmormont · 29/09/2015 18:43

Yeah babies don't need a roof over their heads and formula if the mum can't breastfeed, who needs money?

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