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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say 'no' to being a 'Godparent'

118 replies

DoYouRememberMe · 28/09/2015 11:51

Background: DH and I aren't at all close to BIL and SIL. DH and BIL speak on the phone for half hour every couple of months and no other contact.
BIL and SIL had a kid nearly 3 years ago, asked DH to be a godparent and he said yes because he thought it'd create a rift between him and his parents if he didn't.
So, we trekked three hours to their house for this Christening where BIL and SIL were very rude to us- didn't say hello to us, no thanks for the money, no small-talk.

Now: BIL and SIL are having another kid and have been chatting with PILs about getting it Christened. They've said to PILs that they're thinking of asking me to be a Godparent. PILs seem to think this is a great idea. DH has said it'll be awkward if they ask me to be Godparent for me to say 'no'- what he basically means by this is that it'd keep the peace if I did this.

I've never been christened, I've never been to church, I don't believe in God, I think the idea of Christening a child is pathetic and outdated, I don't like BIL and SIL and I have no desire to give up even one day of my life to go to this thing let alone play some kind of part in it.

How anti-social is it to say 'no' to being a Godparent? Is it ridiculously uncommon for people to say 'no' to being a Godparent?

OP posts:
Muckogy · 28/09/2015 11:54

say no.
YANBU.
you are under no obligation to these ignorant ungrateful fuckers.

MaidOfStars · 28/09/2015 11:54

I don't believe in God

This is the only explanation you need, and it's by far the most convincing one.

As far as you are concerned, a Christening is a serious ceremony to welcome a child into a church and you're simply not able to have a formal role in that.

Wineandrosesagain · 28/09/2015 11:55

I think it is reasonable to say 'thanks, but no, I am an atheist so the Church won't allow it', or something similar.

YABU to refer to a baby as 'it'.

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 28/09/2015 11:55

If you don't believe in God then being Godparent is batshit crazy.

Don't they have a close friend from their church? Might be more appropriate.

Missrubyring · 28/09/2015 11:56

In the situation you have described YANBU to say no, especially as you have no belief in it.
Why would they want someone they are unpleasant to and seemingly don't like to be godparent to their child anyway, that's just mind boggling!!

goodiegoodieyumyum · 28/09/2015 11:57

What relugion are you? Certainly if youu are catholic you can't be a godparent if you are not christened. I would use the excuse having not being christened yourself as to why you can't be a god parent.

OvertiredandConfused · 28/09/2015 11:57

You need to have at least been baptised yourself in order to be a godparent. Problem solved.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 28/09/2015 11:58

You would be prevented from being a godparent by the vicar/priest/minister just by dint of not being baptised yourself. Add on the atheism and it's a done deal. Decline graciously :o

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 28/09/2015 11:59

A whole heap of crossposting:o

fredfredgeorgejnrsnr · 28/09/2015 12:02

A christening is only a serious ceremony if you're of the church, otherwise it's a piece of theatre, if the church is willing to allow people to participate in the theatre who are not of their church then you can be free to participate.

However I understood most churches required the godparents to be christened themselves, so you're out anyway, but in any case you would not be wrong to say no if you simply didn't want to anyway.

addictedtosugar · 28/09/2015 12:04

Not believing in God would work.

wine I took 'it' to be the christening, not the baby.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/09/2015 12:05

I would decline, and just say you are athiest or don't believe in god, so it would be hypocritical to accept.

buffyajp · 28/09/2015 12:08

You are not being unreasonable to not want to be a Godparent, you wouldn't be able to anyway. You Abu to describe a christening as pathetic and outdated. There was no need for that imo unless this thread is another veiled attempt to sneer at those of us 'pathetic' enough to baptise our children. I was completely with you until then. Saying your a atheist would have sufficed.

SpaggyBollocks · 28/09/2015 12:11

isn't the baby as yet unborn? in which case I'd call it "it". I'm pregnant now and often call that sprout "it". it's not dismissive or unfeeling... just that I don't know who or what it is yet.

Original poster
DoYouRememberMe · 28/09/2015 12:15

Oh gosh, so many posts.

Thanks for your replies. My DH is atheist as well but when they asked him to be Godparent a couple of years ago and he tried using this excuse, they said it didn't matter. He was christened though when he was a child.

PP said it's crazy that they're asking me rather than someone they know better and actually like! I completely agree!! I think they're doing it out of some kind of 'face' so that they can feel/show that we're involved in some way. They live around the area where SIL's massive extended family live and BIL is quite isolated so I think they're always keen to get his family involved in things.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoYouRememberMe · 28/09/2015 12:16

spaggy Yes, its not born yet.

OP posts:
MaidOfStars · 28/09/2015 12:19

It matters to you.

scarlets · 28/09/2015 12:20

I suspect that meddling parents-in-law are "encouraging" them to ask you, then "encouraging" you to accept. I can think of no other reason why you'd be asked. Your SiL will probably be quite relieved if you say that you'll attend as guests but not as godparents.

Fidelia · 28/09/2015 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sleeponeday · 28/09/2015 12:24

If they say the atheism doesn't matter, just say it does to you, and that a godparent has to make religious promises you are not willing to say.

It isn't as though their offended response will affect any of you, is it? You don't see them anyway.

Theycallmemellowjello · 28/09/2015 12:26

I think not believing in god is a bit of a red herring - for many people godparenthood is about giving the child a tie to other adults who they can call on throughout their lives (especially in the case that their parents pass away before their time), not about religion at all. I also think that the parents' 'appreciation' or lack thereof for your DH's godparenting duties, while understandably galling, is not really relevant either - you're being asked to be godparent to the baby, not BIL and SIL.

However, you would be undertaking a responsibility towards the child, so if you're not willing to take that on you should decline.

However, I think that there could be a problem with showing favouritism to one niece/nephew and not the other. A compromise could be that your DH is godfather to the second baby as well? With no expectations of thanks from his brother, which is clearly not going to be forthcoming.

Original poster
DoYouRememberMe · 28/09/2015 12:28

scarlets I'm not sure. PILs know I haven't been christened and that I don't believe in God. However, they do believe that 'family is everything' so I can see that they might be encouraging them!

OP posts:
Solina · 28/09/2015 12:32

I think it is fine to say no. Just say "I am honoured that you would want me as a godparent but unfortunately I do not believe in god and in christening so I cant say yes due to my beliefs" if they say it doesnt matter then just say that it matters to you as you would feel it is a lie and it is against your beliefs.

I am a godparent to my nephew and to be one I had to make sure I was still part of the church (I am not from the UK - moved here few years ago to live with my OH) and I had to be christened etc. and prove it, so I am surprised the church accepts someone outside the church here.

Original poster
DoYouRememberMe · 28/09/2015 12:33

Theycallme I'm not clear what the 'responsibility' towards a godchild even is TBH?
I was winding DH up before the last christening saying that at 10 the child could choose why they lived with and as godparents, it could be us. I know this isn't true but I did manage to make DH have a massive panic on the way there!

OP posts:
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 28/09/2015 12:38

You don't say where you are based but I have noticed that it's far more common for people to ask good friends to be godparents in the UK than in Ireland where I grew up. At home when I was growing up at least, it would be insulting to ask a friend over a relative when the expectation was that being asked to be a godparent inferred token parental responsibility if the parents met an untimely early end.

Potentially your BIL and SIL are under pressure to ask "family" but also it's pretty tidy isn't it if both their children have god parents in the same family. I'd expect a conversation about their Last Will and Covenant to follow shortly after.

or maybe they like you more than you do them.

Either way, you are not baptised and you are an atheist so you have a get out of jail free card.