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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say 'no' to being a 'Godparent'

118 replies

DoYouRememberMe · 28/09/2015 11:51

Background: DH and I aren't at all close to BIL and SIL. DH and BIL speak on the phone for half hour every couple of months and no other contact.
BIL and SIL had a kid nearly 3 years ago, asked DH to be a godparent and he said yes because he thought it'd create a rift between him and his parents if he didn't.
So, we trekked three hours to their house for this Christening where BIL and SIL were very rude to us- didn't say hello to us, no thanks for the money, no small-talk.

Now: BIL and SIL are having another kid and have been chatting with PILs about getting it Christened. They've said to PILs that they're thinking of asking me to be a Godparent. PILs seem to think this is a great idea. DH has said it'll be awkward if they ask me to be Godparent for me to say 'no'- what he basically means by this is that it'd keep the peace if I did this.

I've never been christened, I've never been to church, I don't believe in God, I think the idea of Christening a child is pathetic and outdated, I don't like BIL and SIL and I have no desire to give up even one day of my life to go to this thing let alone play some kind of part in it.

How anti-social is it to say 'no' to being a Godparent? Is it ridiculously uncommon for people to say 'no' to being a Godparent?

OP posts:
Flomple · 28/09/2015 12:40

I know someone who declined to be a godparent on the grounds that they refused to "renounce evil"! You are free to refuse to stand up in public and declare things you don't believe in. It's about your conscience, not theirs.

You might need to decide whether to offer to be a non-religious equivalent, taking a special interest in the child buying them presents. It is kind of easier if you a GPs of sorts to both of them between you, and you can simply treat them both the same. Otherwise does the boy get more because he is a godchild? If so it seems a bit mean on the girl, when you've turned her down as it were.

Original poster
DoYouRememberMe · 28/09/2015 12:42

Tread We're all based in the UK.
SIL's family are catholics but not Irish although they do seem to be going for family over friends for godparents.

There's no legal obligation for godparents to look after children if parents die young though is there?

OP posts:
Missrubyring · 28/09/2015 12:42

Would they expect you to get christened so that you could do it OP? They might try and 'solve' every reason you give them not to do it that's all.

Original poster
DoYouRememberMe · 28/09/2015 12:45

Flomple Hee hee! I have to say I'd rather not renounce evil- evil might turn out to be quite fun.

The first child was a girl, not sure what this second one is going to be.
TBH, I don't want to be a non-religious equivalent. I don't really want to be involved in the child's life. We send cards and presents at birthdays and Xmases and, for me, that's enough. I know others will say IABU and a heartless bitch but that's how it is I'm afraid.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoYouRememberMe · 28/09/2015 12:45

Missrubyring That's actually hilarious!

OP posts:
WorktoLive · 28/09/2015 12:46

Aren't you agreeing to provide a Good Christian Role Model if you are a Godparent. And possibly adopt the child if something happens to the parents while they are still young?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 28/09/2015 12:48

Nah - no legal obligation at all but in my experience parents often have an eye on the long game when choosing appropriate god parents.

Catholics usually only have two godparents, one male, one female so it's [again in my experience] a huge honour to be asked with an expectation of a long and close relationship.

My husband isn't sure who his godparents were, and certainly didn't know them growing up. I got birthday and Christmas presents from my two god parents right up until I turned 21, they both flew to the UK for my wedding and there is certainly an expectation that I will do the same for my niece [plus holiday postcards, skype etc etc.]

If you can't stand them then don't accept or make it known that you've turned down other requests.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 28/09/2015 12:49

You need to start practicing "Do you renounce Satan?" in your best James Earl Jones voice....

Arsicles · 28/09/2015 12:51

Please say no, for the baby's sake. The tone of your posts comes across to me as though you just don't like children at all.

Original poster
DoYouRememberMe · 28/09/2015 12:54

Arsicles I don't like children at all.

OP posts:
Theycallmemellowjello · 28/09/2015 12:54

Doyouremember, my understanding of being a godparent is that you are agreeing to be available to the child throughout their life as a kind of 'extra' parent - to offer advice, support and assistance and so on. Obviously it's not any kind of legal role, but I think that that is the general social expectation. I think that some people see the godparents as the people who would adopt the child if the parents died - though obviously this is a slightly separate issue and not part of the basic godparenting duties if not explicitly discussed.

Theycallmemellowjello · 28/09/2015 12:56

Xpost - ok from your recent posts, it definitely sounds like you have to say no! Just let them know politely and speedily, so they can find a replacement.

Hoppinggreen · 28/09/2015 12:58

Ive refused to do it. You have to promise to " bring the child up a Christian" or similar and as I am not one myself I could t promise that.
Think it raised a few family eyebrows but I wasn't bothered.

wasonthelist · 28/09/2015 12:59

Op I think you would be fine to refuse, but I had a similar experience to your DH when I was invited to be a Godparent. I haven't been Christened, never go to Church except for weddings and funerals etc. I made it clear that there was no way I could undertake any of the religious duties, although I was prepared to ensure the child had a roof over her head etc if needed and if I could. They were fine with this - just like when I got married in Church, no-one asked if I'd been Christened.

wasonthelist · 28/09/2015 13:05

Btw the reason I did both these things was to acccomodate the wishes of others. I don't believe in God, but I'm also prepared to do thinvs for other folks. I like to hope that if I am wrong, and there is a God, s/he will see the virtue in this :)

Fratelli · 28/09/2015 13:07

Yanbu to not be a godparent as you don't believe in God. However "I think the idea of Christening a child is pathetic and outdated" offended me greatly. Some people get their children Christened for religious reasons which aren't "pathetic" to them.

BoyScout · 28/09/2015 13:09

You've given us 6 good reasons why you don't think it should be you. Relay the first 3 to them and thank them for the thought. Hold firm.

shovetheholly · 28/09/2015 13:10

I don't have any advice, OP, but wanted to add something from a secular viewpoint.

My BIL is a godparent and he takes it very seriously indeed. He is like a favourite uncle to the child in question, and very much would be there for both him and his brother in the event of anything happening to the parents. He is not religious at all, but it is a wonderful and very meaningful relationship that he has in his life. I think as the child gets older, he might be a very useful person for the parents to have around in the event of teen tantrums etc.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 28/09/2015 13:14

Say no, I know it's easier said than done, but your own views about christenings shouldn't be trumped by "but it's family". I think you have perfectly valid reasons for saying no, I personally cannot agree with the fact that they go on in this day and age. However, each to their own - hopefully your lack of baptism will get you out of it as a last resort (I envy you, thanks to my least-Christian-person-I-know mother deciding to have me baptised, there's always the threat someone will 'ask me').

Bunbaker · 28/09/2015 13:14

You don't like children
You don't like your in-laws
You think that christenings are pathetic

You aren't coming across very well here.

OutToGetYou · 28/09/2015 13:21

I am an atheist godparent, the vicar knew I was an atheist and had no problem with me being godparent. So it's clearly untrue that you "can't" be a godparent if you don't believe in God or are not Christened yourself.

Personally, since the "non believer" argument is flawed, I'd just say "no thank you".

LittleMissGreen · 28/09/2015 13:25

You don't need to say no - if you haven't been Christened you are not allowed to be a godparent (Church rules) so church will say no. Obviously some people lie to the church and say they are christened when they aren't, but if you tell the truth they won't let you.

EduCated · 28/09/2015 13:27

Bunbaker I'm not sure that's fair - at least she's being honest. There's no requirement to like your inlaws or children.

Said as someone who likes both!

redlolly · 28/09/2015 13:27

I don't believe in God - YANB at all U to decline on these ground alone.

I think the idea of Christening a child is pathetic and outdated - YABVU to say that something that means eternal life to those who believe is 'pathetic' and I would keep those views firmly to yourself in this context.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 28/09/2015 13:29

Why, Bun? Not liking any of those things mentioned doesn't make the OP a bad person. Not everyone is "child friendly", god knows from the threads on here not everyone likes their PIL, and christenings are a very debatable subject - it's not difficult to see why some people (like myself), are totally against them. So I fail to see why she's coming across badly, all she wants to know is how to get out of this without causing to much hassle.