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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to say 'no' to being a 'Godparent'

118 replies

DoYouRememberMe · 28/09/2015 11:51

Background: DH and I aren't at all close to BIL and SIL. DH and BIL speak on the phone for half hour every couple of months and no other contact.
BIL and SIL had a kid nearly 3 years ago, asked DH to be a godparent and he said yes because he thought it'd create a rift between him and his parents if he didn't.
So, we trekked three hours to their house for this Christening where BIL and SIL were very rude to us- didn't say hello to us, no thanks for the money, no small-talk.

Now: BIL and SIL are having another kid and have been chatting with PILs about getting it Christened. They've said to PILs that they're thinking of asking me to be a Godparent. PILs seem to think this is a great idea. DH has said it'll be awkward if they ask me to be Godparent for me to say 'no'- what he basically means by this is that it'd keep the peace if I did this.

I've never been christened, I've never been to church, I don't believe in God, I think the idea of Christening a child is pathetic and outdated, I don't like BIL and SIL and I have no desire to give up even one day of my life to go to this thing let alone play some kind of part in it.

How anti-social is it to say 'no' to being a Godparent? Is it ridiculously uncommon for people to say 'no' to being a Godparent?

OP posts:

Hereisnownotthen · 28/09/2015 14:34

Tbh, I would just do it to keep the peace. The God thing is a red herring. Your in-laws clearly don't give a hoot about the religion side of a christening, as you yourself pointed out with their response to dh. They wouldn't be considering you if they did. They clearly just see it as a family event, and your refusal will be seen as a snub to that family. And they would be right to see it that way as you are clear you don't like them. And they will know they are right.
Personally I would put my commitment to dh before my dislike of them.
I suspect the most you will be expected to do is buy a pressie for God child at birthdays and Christmas. Not that hard when Amazon exists.

Notgivingin789 · 28/09/2015 14:42

That's why I don't bother going on religious type threads.

DS is not christened. But I was highly offended when you said I think the idea of Christening a child is pathetic and outdated.

Hereisnownotthen · 28/09/2015 14:46

I also thinks it is a red herring for you to say you just want to see how uncommon it is for people to refuse to be godparents. Most people will only ask people they like, who like them and who have sown some liking for kids, and who they know will accept to be godparents. You meet none of these criteria so your situation is unusual.
What it really boils down to is if your dislike of your in laws is so intense that it outweighs your concern not to cause a femily upset, and your concern for dh who has made it clear he would rather you didn't.

EduCated · 28/09/2015 14:50

There are many things I will do for my family, taking an active part in a religious ceremony which requires me to make explicit religious statements and promises and which I fundamentally disagree with is not one of them.

Surely the ILs would be better off having OP politely decline and choosing someone who wants to be there and will appreciate being involved is far better than having OP do it purely out of a sense of duty to her DH

Original poster

DoYouRememberMe · 28/09/2015 14:57

Educated Exactly my thoughts. I won't make statements which I whole heartedly disagree with and don't believe in just to keep the peace/ for DH.

So I will refuse to be godparent if they ask.

The point of the post was to ask how common this is, whether others have heard of people doing this etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

DoYouRememberMe · 28/09/2015 14:58

I don't really get why people are talking about 'red herrings'

OP posts:

Tangfastics · 28/09/2015 15:04

Oh, I see

Your post was about statements you don't agree with.

Nothing to do with I think the idea of Christening a child is pathetic and outdated, I don't like BIL and SIL and I have no desire to give up even one day of my life to go to this thing let alone play some kind of part in it

derxa · 28/09/2015 15:05

You sound really unhappy OP. Everything is negative. Your DP wants to keep a connection with his family. What has happened in your life to make you so bitter?

Original poster

DoYouRememberMe · 28/09/2015 15:11

Tangfastics And I don't like BIL and SIL and have no desire to give up a day for them as I said in the original OP. A day of religious horseshit coupled with spending time with people who are complete knobs.

OP posts:

Hereisnownotthen · 28/09/2015 15:12

It is a red herring because your post makes it abundantly clear that your actual reason for refusal is because you don't like you in laws.
If your post was centred around you having a deep personal atheism I would have some sympathy. But it wasn't. It was based around you dislike of them and thinking three hours was an unreasonable travel time for a significant family event.
Stop dressing this up as a matter of personal conscience. You just don't like them. Lots of us have relatives we aren't keen on but we suck it up because that is the adult thing to do.

EduCated · 28/09/2015 15:14

Tangfastics You've made you're point quite clear, it is evident you disagree with the OP and are, in my opinion, coming across quite nastily and tauntingly. I'm not sure what you're gaining by continuing to post.

There is no contradiction in finding something 'pathetic and outdated' because it involves statements and sentiments with which you disagree.

Libitina · 28/09/2015 15:15

I've been asked before (by someone I like) and I declined, as I am an atheist. I just went along to the christening instead. The babys parent appreciated my honesty.

Original poster

DoYouRememberMe · 28/09/2015 15:19

Thanks Libitina

Hereis The reason for refusing is two fold- because I am an atheist and because I don't like my in-laws, as stated in the OP.

OP posts:

Hereisnownotthen · 28/09/2015 15:20

Yes, libitina, but honesty in the OPs case would be to say, 'I decline because you are complete knobs.' They are less likely to appreciate that honesty.

Tangfastics · 28/09/2015 15:23

Sorry op. I thought I made it clear you are not being unreasonable to say no.

I do think you are being unreasonable to call it horseshit and your in laws knobs.

Anyway, I'll back out now!

PurpleDaisies · 28/09/2015 15:23

Most people do things for multiple different reasons. Whatever yours are op you sound like you've thought about it carefully and if you don't want to do it you're absolutely right to say no.

If you do get asked I'd emphasise the religious aspects that you don't feel comfortable with rather than your dislike of your ils!

Bunbaker · 28/09/2015 16:25

I assume that your dislike of your in-laws is mutual?

If so, I think it is odd that they would even contemplate asking you to be a godparent given that you have shown no interest in the child they already have, and have made it clear you don't like them.

If there is any danger that you might be asked why can't your husband drop gentle hints that you have no intention of being a godparent for anyone?

I agree with derxa that you seem very negative about your husband's family. It must make it difficult for him. Do you make your contempt of them as obvious as you do on here?

Original poster

DoYouRememberMe · 28/09/2015 16:32

Bunbaker I am negative about DH's family. DH is negative about his own family- he hates his sister and very much dislikes (hate is too strong) his brother.
BIL and SIL (DH's brother) are really not very nice people although we have nothing to do with them really. DH and his brother speak on the phone very briefly every couple of months but that's it.
DH's sister is a whole other level of twat. DH never speaks to her.

Despite this, there is a dominant rhetoric that 'family is everything' hence DH being godparent a couple of years ago and us being invited to his sister's wedding next year.

Of course I don't make my contempt clear when we see them. I'm nothing but polite and courteous.

OP posts:

Libitina · 28/09/2015 16:46

Yes, libitina, but honesty in the OPs case would be to say, 'I decline because you are complete knobs.' They are less likely to appreciate that honesty.

Would be good if they could though

However, as an unchristened atheist, I doubt the baptising vicar would allow it anyway would they?

ZebraLovesKnitting · 28/09/2015 16:56

I'm not religious (never been christened, never been to church etc), but I am a godparent. My god-daughter's parents and the vicar(?) are completely happy with my views - which are to be open-minded and respectful of those who do have religion as well as those who don't, and to believe that it is a person's right and own business to discover and/or follow religions in their own way.

spanisharmada · 28/09/2015 17:01

If they do ask, just say no. They might well be as relieved as you.

Shelby2010 · 28/09/2015 17:14

It sounds like you don't have DC of your own, so they probably just want to make sure you leave any inheritance to their kids. And will be good providers of expensive presents.

Pandora978 · 28/09/2015 17:15

My sister really wanted me to be godmother to my niece - I couldn't as I wasn't christened and I wasn't going to get baptised just so I could be a godmother! (As much as my sister would have liked me to). I suppose I could have lied or the church might not have been as bothered about it as we thought but I still probably would have declined. I actually am Christian, in a very loose sense - but I don't belong to the Church of England or follow them, I don't really believe in christening children and I'm not going to bring my niece up in a Christian manner as IMO it's up to her to decide, although I like the idea of being there for someone spiritually. That said, I'm already her biological aunt and didn't see the need to be her godmother as well. I think it's nice when people outside the family do it so they have a wide range of adults who are interested in their lives.

My sister chose two friends to be godmothers - one is an atheist and the other couldn't give a toss about my niece. She's only met her a few times, never sends her birthday cards/presents or Christmas presents. She doesn't really acknowledge her existence. My sister has felt very hurt by that.

So I'd say it depends on what their expectation of being a godparent is. If your husband is a godparent and you still have little contact with them, then I'd be tempted to just do it to keep the peace. Never heard before that godparents are expected to look after the children if anything happens to the parents - surely they would go to grandparents or closer relatives? I just saw a godparent as being an unofficial uncle/auntie really. I can understand why you're not comfortable with it though, especially if you have little to do with them. Just say you don't feel comfortable flouting the church's rules as you haven't been christened yourself.

Pohtaytoh · 28/09/2015 17:36

Yanbu to say no, and if you don't want to be a godparent it would be unreasonable to say yes .
However i do hope your comments re christenings being 'pathetic' are influenced by your clear dislike of the oarents. We had my daughter christened this past Sunday. We thought long and hard about it (she is now 1), we got her christened at the Church i attend with her, we didn't do it for a big party (the only invitees were our parents and her godparents). I too find your comments regarding Christenings offensive, and i do think it unlikely that referring to any other reasonable parenting choice as 'pathetic' on Mumsnet wouldn't be as acceptable.

alwaysme22 · 28/09/2015 17:38

I'm an atheist but went to the baptism of a close family member's baby yesterday.

Two of the Godparents were not baptised themselves, a fact the vicar was aware of but fine with.

The bit that really surprised me, but might be a normal inclusion now, was the vicar explaining that this baptism was just valid until the child was old enough to make there own mind up. He said the child could decide to follow another religion or none at all.

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