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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to say 'no' to being a 'Godparent'

118 replies

DoYouRememberMe · 28/09/2015 11:51

Background: DH and I aren't at all close to BIL and SIL. DH and BIL speak on the phone for half hour every couple of months and no other contact.
BIL and SIL had a kid nearly 3 years ago, asked DH to be a godparent and he said yes because he thought it'd create a rift between him and his parents if he didn't.
So, we trekked three hours to their house for this Christening where BIL and SIL were very rude to us- didn't say hello to us, no thanks for the money, no small-talk.

Now: BIL and SIL are having another kid and have been chatting with PILs about getting it Christened. They've said to PILs that they're thinking of asking me to be a Godparent. PILs seem to think this is a great idea. DH has said it'll be awkward if they ask me to be Godparent for me to say 'no'- what he basically means by this is that it'd keep the peace if I did this.

I've never been christened, I've never been to church, I don't believe in God, I think the idea of Christening a child is pathetic and outdated, I don't like BIL and SIL and I have no desire to give up even one day of my life to go to this thing let alone play some kind of part in it.

How anti-social is it to say 'no' to being a Godparent? Is it ridiculously uncommon for people to say 'no' to being a Godparent?

OP posts:

alwaysme22 · 28/09/2015 17:39

their !

Pohtaytoh · 28/09/2015 17:43

Also here is an extract from our service (part of the main service) and you can see the promises as a GP you are supposed to make, very unreasonable of them to expect you to say these things if you don't believe!

Original poster

DoYouRememberMe · 28/09/2015 17:55

Apologies for any offence caused by me saying I think christening is 'pathetic'. I do think it's outdated TBH (as I do marriage) but you're absolutely right that I shouldn't have said it was 'pathetic'. I should have picked my words more wisely.

PP said about BIL and SIL hoping we will leave all of our money to godchildren. This is certainly what DH's sister has in mind. When we told her that we'd done our wills and, if we should both die at the same time, all of our money would go to a parrot charity in Ecuador, her face hit the floor.

OP posts:

Shallishanti · 28/09/2015 17:58

I find it VERY odd that vicars are prepared to accept atheists as godparents, surely that makes a mockery of the whole thing? Is there some 'godparent-lite' role that has been created when people weren't paying proper attention.
I think, FWIW, being an atheist is absolutely a good enough reason to decline and should be couched in terms of your RESPECT for the religious nature of the ceremony and role. If they say it doesn't matter just shake your head sadly and say that you take matters of faith very seriously.

heheheheheheh · 28/09/2015 18:09

In the Church of England you can't be a godparent if you haven't yourself been baptised. That is categorically the case. Problem solved.

Fidelia · 28/09/2015 18:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pohtaytoh · 28/09/2015 18:20

DoYouRemember no worries, as i said the rest of your post -such as not wanting to be a gp because of your beliefs (or lackof them)- shows much more respect than your inlaws are showing!

Hopefully their vicar is like mine- you need to be at least baptised, if not confirmed, to be a GP.

Biggles398 · 28/09/2015 18:30

My hubby couldn't be a godparent to his niece as he wasn't christened himself, but this may depend on the vicar. A friend of mine chose a Hindu friend for her son, but it was made clear during the church service that she would be a 'guardian' or words to that effect.
However, this doesn't really apply to you. if you don't want to do it, then say that you feel because you don't believe in God, it wouldn't be fair to accept to be Godparent. If they come back to you and say the vicar doesn't mind etc, then have another think, but I expect they will accept your reasoning!

thegreenheartofmanyroundabouts · 28/09/2015 18:31

This vicar doesn't accept atheists as Godparents. I do have to trust what the parents tell me and if they lie about baptised Godparents that is on their conscience. There is the option in baptism for someone to be a sponsor which doesn't involve a faith commitment and that has worked for friends who want to be part of the child's life but in all honesty can't say the words of Christian commitment that are part of the baptism service.

Baptisms are hard work to hold together as they are often family rather than faith events. I've got to the stage now that at the beginning of a service I ask that friends and family who are at the service and are not Christians to respect the choice of the parents to baptise their children. As the person at the front leading the service I can see the sneering and back chat by the atheists at the back. I realise that hard line atheists have absolutely no respect for my faith but I would hope that they would respect the choices of their friends and family sufficiently to zip it for the 20-30 minutes of the service or go straight to the party.

Edited to add - you don't need to be baptised to be married in the C of E.

sproketmx · 28/09/2015 18:35

I would look at it this way. If something happen to bil and sil who would look after the kids? If it's you then you should say yes if not then they should be asking the people who would be looking after them

PurpleDaisies · 28/09/2015 18:36

The bit that really surprised me, but might be a normal inclusion now, was the vicar explaining that this baptism was just valid until the child was old enough to make there own mind up. He said the child could decide to follow another religion or none at all.

Infant baptism is only a sign the the parents will be bringing up their child in the church. It doesn't make the child a Christian. That's a decision only the child can make and then they usually get confirmed which is basically them saying they have decided to follow the Christian faith for themselves.

Many Christians choose not to baptise (christen) their children because they believe the choice to be baptised should be a willing one made by the person who is old enough to understand what they're doing. Those parents usually have a thanksgiving service instead.

derxa · 28/09/2015 18:41

all of our money would go to a parrot charity in Ecuador, her face hit the floor That puts a different spin on it OP. I understand

OVienna · 28/09/2015 19:15

Not a believer, not crazy about the in-laws. Hmmm....
I would have to be really p'oed with someone to refuse but I am baptised and a believer.

I understand where you're coming from though.

But - It's DH family and he seems to think you should do it; I think I would in this case. It's his family, you'd be doing it for him in a way.

If it's the same church as before this might not fly but you could consider saying that you would prefer not to be in a situation where you could be ask to confirm that you have been baptised and hence having to LIE in order to go ahead. This you could not do as you'd never be able to produce proof of being baptised and would prefer to be an 'unofficial' godmother. Then quietly slip away...

Bunbaker · 28/09/2015 19:24

"I would look at it this way. If something happen to bil and sil who would look after the kids? If it's you then you should say yes if not then they should be asking the people who would be looking after them"

Being a godparent has absolutely nothing to do with being a legal guardian.

See point 3

sproketmx · 28/09/2015 19:52

Traditionally it was tho and if they're going for it I think it has to be taken seriously. Too many people these days and some of my own friends just ask anybody without putting though into what it means

Senpai · 28/09/2015 20:14

We have a godparent for DD. We're not religious in the least.

It's not always about religion when assigning a godparent. We chose one so that DD would always have a "special" adult in her life she could turn to if she needed. To us it meant that the person has a little extra responsibility to the child than just an aunt or uncle would, iykwim...

bertsdinner · 28/09/2015 21:36

I'm Godparent to my neice and nephew, and I'm not religous. The ceremony was in Germany ( they live there), and my stance on religion was not brought into it.
I took it very seriously, Im not the best person to help with religious issues but I am there if they need me and if anything happened to my brother and his wife I would be there if needs be ( this was mentioned in the ceremony).
My nephew is 13 now and does follow his religion, he is getting confirmed next year and is anxious that I am there as his godparent, which I will be.

XiCi · 29/09/2015 10:20

Me and DH were married in a Catholic Church and he is godfather to 5 children and hasn't been baptised so I don't think you can use this as an excuse. I would just say that given your beliefs you don't think it's appropriate and leave it at that

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