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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to say 'no' to being a 'Godparent'

118 replies

DoYouRememberMe · 28/09/2015 11:51

Background: DH and I aren't at all close to BIL and SIL. DH and BIL speak on the phone for half hour every couple of months and no other contact.
BIL and SIL had a kid nearly 3 years ago, asked DH to be a godparent and he said yes because he thought it'd create a rift between him and his parents if he didn't.
So, we trekked three hours to their house for this Christening where BIL and SIL were very rude to us- didn't say hello to us, no thanks for the money, no small-talk.

Now: BIL and SIL are having another kid and have been chatting with PILs about getting it Christened. They've said to PILs that they're thinking of asking me to be a Godparent. PILs seem to think this is a great idea. DH has said it'll be awkward if they ask me to be Godparent for me to say 'no'- what he basically means by this is that it'd keep the peace if I did this.

I've never been christened, I've never been to church, I don't believe in God, I think the idea of Christening a child is pathetic and outdated, I don't like BIL and SIL and I have no desire to give up even one day of my life to go to this thing let alone play some kind of part in it.

How anti-social is it to say 'no' to being a Godparent? Is it ridiculously uncommon for people to say 'no' to being a Godparent?

OP posts:

Original poster

DoYouRememberMe · 28/09/2015 13:30

Thanks for all of the replies!

If the invitation comes, you've given me lots to fall back on. It'll still raise a few eyebrows because 'family is everything' but I need to stick to my convictions or lack of

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 28/09/2015 13:30

It depends on what type of church it is-c of e does not require godparents to be baptised, only that they can mean the promises they make during the ceremony.

If you don't want to do it you've got loads of reasons to say no.

Tangfastics · 28/09/2015 13:30

You don't like children, you don't like your BIL or SIL, you don't believe in God and you think christenings are pathetic.

Just politely decline! What is with this ridiculous hand wringing post?

YBR · 28/09/2015 13:31

God-parents is properly about being a Good Christian, both role-model and support to child and support to parents in bringing up the child in a christian faith. If you don't want to do it, then explain that you would not be an appropriate choice as you could not make the promises.

Being a God-parent is not inevitably connected with being first choice foster family if both parents die; our wills state that the DDs should go to my SIL + her DP rather than God-Ps, but none of the God-parents are family.

Original poster

DoYouRememberMe · 28/09/2015 13:31

Bunbaker just stating the facts.

OP posts:

Tangfastics · 28/09/2015 13:32

Bloody hell, I've just seen you've not even been asked!!!

Original poster

DoYouRememberMe · 28/09/2015 13:34

Tangfastics The point of the post was to gauge how common it is for people to refuse to be godparents as per the OP.

OP posts:

buffyajp · 28/09/2015 13:35

You are wrong purple. C of E does require baptism however some vicars may choose to ignore that. They are not supposed to though.

fredfredgeorgejnrsnr · 28/09/2015 13:39

If someone is willing to ask an atheist to be a god parent, then the god parenthood is clearly not about the things many people are asserting here. It may be about those things to many people, but to others the christening is just a nice day out, where people important to the family are asked to support.

You can complain about the whole charade, but that's down to you and your church who are facilitating it. If the church is happy with atheist god parents joining the proceedings, then YWBU to disagree, it's got nothing to do with you (you could of course leave the church to one with more similar views to you, or peacefully campaign for them to change their views.)

It seems many churches are happy to accept non-christened, non-religious people as godparents, "I'm not christened / I'm an atheist" is not a good reason for declining. "I don't want to, because ..." is a perfectly reasonable one, and then one that should be used, don't lie or pretend it's someone else who's stopping you.

Tangfastics · 28/09/2015 13:41

Well, what do YOU think is the right thing to do?

You've expressed your vociferous dislike of your inlaws and their children, but if MN tell you it's uncommon to refuse such a request then you'll just go along with it?

HSMMaCM · 28/09/2015 13:45

I wouldn't have even asked people who weren't Christian, or weren't likely to be closely involved in DD's life. They are BU and YANBU.

Theycallmemellowjello · 28/09/2015 13:47

I'm another atheist and unbaptised godparent. I take my duties very seriously. It's true that the C of E officially requires godparents to be baptised. But I was never asked by the vicar, and didn't say anything about it (the parents knew, of course). Godparents do have to make promises to help instil Christian values in the child and educate them in the ways of the church - I felt that I would be able to abide by the spirit of this. I have no problem with and for the most part share Christian values. The stuff about supporting them in the church is a bit tricky, but I like to think I could at least provide a sounding board in the event of a spiritual crisis! I think that it's at the vicar's discretion to refuse an unsuitable godparent (just like a C of E vicar can choose to refuse to marry unchristened people).

PurpleDaisies · 28/09/2015 13:48

Just been googling and it looks like officially god parents are supposed to be baptised. Apologies, I was wrong earlier.

My church ignores this, I suspect there are quite a lot of others out there that do too.

Original poster

DoYouRememberMe · 28/09/2015 13:48

Tangfastics If MN had said it's uncommon to refuse then I would have asked for advice on how exactly I could refuse given that it's sensitive. Of course I wouldn't have gone along with it if it were uncommon to refuse but, either way, I wanted to know what the lie of the land was (others experiences of christenings etc.)

OP posts:

ungulater · 28/09/2015 13:54

I have refused, but if was a sort-of-expected refusal to friends we have a good relationship with. Clearly you have other issues, but nobody should be expected to say they "renounce the devil" unless they believe in such stuff.
Maybe they will be glad you said no? But whether they are or not they will always remember and use it as a stick to beat you with. However, if you rarely see them then maybe this isn't a problem.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 28/09/2015 14:01

What would you do if it were a member of your family asking the same thing, OP?

I don't especially like all of my inlaws and I wouldn't say dh is that close to them but I do respect the fact that they are his family who he grew up with. And as such there is a bond there.

I'm pretty clear on boundaries, as some of them have been known to make outlandish demands in the pasts: I am no pushover. But a request like this I can't see the point of making a big fuss over. It's one day.

I think most people would feel offended if the request to be a godparent was refused. It's intended to be an honour.

Original poster

DoYouRememberMe · 28/09/2015 14:05

Likeasoul There's no-one in my family that would ask something like this. I don't have any siblings and I'm not close to any cousins.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 28/09/2015 14:05

But it isn't one day likeasoul. As a godparent you're supposed to support the parents and child as they grow up and help guide the child spiritually. It isn't just a family party.

If you don't want to do that op you're absolutely right to say no.

Tangfastics · 28/09/2015 14:10

Well, you've changed your tune somewhat though haven't you?

Now you're all about the 'lie of the land' and a bit less about how you don't want to 'waste a day of your life, let alone be part of it'.

I actually don't think you are BU btw, I agree with a PP that you should never have been asked.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/09/2015 14:11

I think if you have no connection with the church at all, not even christened yourself, then you shouldn't be a godparent and they should accept your refusal.

I don't generally think it's a good thing to combine uncle/aunt relationship with godparent anyway, but that's just my personal feelings.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 28/09/2015 14:13

Fair enough about the one day thing - I know what it's meant to mean - it's just that what the OP said made me think her SIL & BIL aren't that bothered about what happens afterwards

Original poster

DoYouRememberMe · 28/09/2015 14:14

Tangfastics What I meant by 'the lie of the land' was how others see this situation, how important a christening is, how important godparents actually are, how common it is to refuse. Knowing this would guide exactly how I'd get myself out of doing this if I were asked. If it were completely unheard of to refuse, I'd obviously have to handle it differently from if it were fairly common/ unproblematic to refuse. I'm not 100% sure I will be asked but things are pointing that way and I want to be prepared so I can handle it well without causing more of a family rift that my refusal will anyway.

OP posts:

Tangfastics · 28/09/2015 14:18

Oh give over OP, your original post is there in all its glory.

Original poster

DoYouRememberMe · 28/09/2015 14:23

Tangfastic ... the fuck?

OP posts:

Tangfastics · 28/09/2015 14:29

You posted an unpleasant and aggressive thread about being hypothetically asked to be godmother to an unborn child.

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