Asking them not to use 'our' baby name - sensitive

[sparechange]

This isn't another 'name claim' thread, I promise...

Earlier this year, DH and I were given the worst news at our 20 week scan, and lost the baby shortly afterwards, a few days short of 24 weeks. This meant that it wasn't officially classified as a still birth, and we didn't have to legally register the birth. However, we still named the baby and remember him as our son. After we lost him, our families were very supportive, but in the blur that was the weeks afterwards, I don't remember anyone asking if we had named the baby, much less what the name was. DH said no one asked him either.

Fast forward a few months, and 2 of my SILs announce they are pregnant. 3rd child for both of them, one due just before Christmas and the other just afterwards. Both have found out they are having boys.

I've been having real panics that one of them is going to give their baby the same name we gave ours. Even thinking about it is making me cry, because it somehow feels like it will 'erode' his memory. I therefore suggested to DH that we find a way to drop into conversation that we had named our baby, and hope they then don't use that name. He said it would be a strange thing to do and we have to just hope they don't pick the name.

So, AIBU to ask them to not use the name of our son? If I'm not, how do I word this? We live in a very different part of the country to them, so it would have to be by phone (or text?) rather than face to face.

[nephrofox]

You could say in an email something like "DH and I were talking and we thought you maybe don't know the name of our baby ad we were a bit all over the place at the time for obvious reasons. Anyway, it is X so thought you'd like to know as obviously you won't want to use it for new baby"

[Brioche201]

wooaah, I've just seen your post brioche
Are you aware of what you have suggested? Seriously?*

?? what do you think I have suggested? //confused

[PlopsyWhopsy]

Well done for deciding to phone your MIL sparechange, I'm sure she would be happy to know your sons name. As would your SILs.

I would like to know your sons name if you wanted to tell us?
Sending you lots of love

[Starkswillriseagain]

YANBU. If I was your SIL I'd want to know. I wouldn't want to use a name that would bring up painful thoughts and hurt you or DH.

[Starkswillriseagain]

Saw your update, glad your DH will say something.

So sorry for your loss , heartbreaking.

[PHANTOMnamechanger]

OP, first I am so sorry for your loss. I have also lost a child past the halfway stage, when you think everything is going ok. It sucks, even though we know what the reason was for our loss and there was no questioning of 'what did i do/could I have done differently'. We named our daughter the same name we had chosen had she lived. We did not keep the name secret - there was a funeral and everything, we sent out announcement cards as we did not want anyone not to find out, or to have difficult conversations time and time again. We had lots of cards, we had photos, poems, pressed flowers from our DDs funeral. A family member still thought it was OK 8 months on to use 'our' name for their child (with no warning). It was awful, it really was. BUT the rawness does not last. I did move on, I did get used to hearing my other DC call this child by name at family events - the name they would have been calling their sister.Luckily this is not very close family member and distance means we only see them a couple of times a year. All of my children have also ended up with a child in their classes at primary school with the same name. On more than one occassion, I've had to leave the room when 'happy birthday' was being sung to a child of this name at a party. In our case the same name baby does not share grandparents or the same surname - if it did it would have been so much worse, because for everyone, that name would have been theirs not ours .

No one can tell you what you ought to do - what is right for one family is not right for another. But whatever happens, you will survive. You really will. Even if the worst happens and they do use your childs name, that does not mean they own the name. You are still entitled to talk about your baby if you want to and don't feel you must shy away from using the name you gave him. He was and always will be your baby.