Asking them not to use 'our' baby name - sensitive

[sparechange]

This isn't another 'name claim' thread, I promise...

Earlier this year, DH and I were given the worst news at our 20 week scan, and lost the baby shortly afterwards, a few days short of 24 weeks. This meant that it wasn't officially classified as a still birth, and we didn't have to legally register the birth. However, we still named the baby and remember him as our son. After we lost him, our families were very supportive, but in the blur that was the weeks afterwards, I don't remember anyone asking if we had named the baby, much less what the name was. DH said no one asked him either.

Fast forward a few months, and 2 of my SILs announce they are pregnant. 3rd child for both of them, one due just before Christmas and the other just afterwards. Both have found out they are having boys.

I've been having real panics that one of them is going to give their baby the same name we gave ours. Even thinking about it is making me cry, because it somehow feels like it will 'erode' his memory. I therefore suggested to DH that we find a way to drop into conversation that we had named our baby, and hope they then don't use that name. He said it would be a strange thing to do and we have to just hope they don't pick the name.

So, AIBU to ask them to not use the name of our son? If I'm not, how do I word this? We live in a very different part of the country to them, so it would have to be by phone (or text?) rather than face to face.

[m0therofdragons]

If you were my sil I would absolutely not be offended if you asked me not to use your son's name. I would be sad you were upset worrying about this and couldn't tell me sooner. Just be honest - go through mil if you find that easier but tell them.

[ALassUnparalleled]

What if by chance one of them had settled on the same name for a reason which means a lot to them? My son's name was picked for a very particular reason to honour and remember someone who was very special to me.

[babybythesea]

I haven't read the whole thread but just to say I came at this from the other side. When I was pregnant one of our names on our short list turned out to be the name of DSIL's son who died at birth. I didn't know, and DH had forgotten (there's a big gap between him and his sister so he hadn't really twigged). He then, quite late on, remembered but wanted us to use the name anyway in honour of the baby. I thought it might be insensitive and in the end I spoke to their other sister and asked what she thought. She was more of my opinion and we scrubbed the name off the list. I am glad DH did remember and mention it, as I would have hated to cause SIL hurt, however unintentional. So I'd say talk to them. From the other side of the story it's better to know.

[2rebecca]

Would you have used the same name even if your sister had a live child with that name though ALassUnparalleled?
I'd consider not upsetting my sister as more important than a name.

[leghoul]

I don't think you can really control what name they choose. I think telling someone not to use a name is difficult, because it's their life, child and a person's name and if they always wanted to use one and didn't I think it would be unfair on them. I don't mean to be horrible I have also lost DC and I remember the pang of horror that a friend might use the name - to me, it felt like it would not really be honouring that person but more like replacing their memory, their life, their sparkle, their story and eradicating it as the name is now someone else's. If you're close then it would be enormously difficult.
But equally, I don't think it's right to ask someone else not to use it. If it were a middle name, it would be different, but a first name could be very raw and painful if you have to see them/the child/hear about them. Is there a way you can tell them what name you chose without outright saying don't use it? one would hope they'd get the hint (and ask permission/be sensitive about it) if you did that (though also you don't want to make them feel they have to use the name to honour him - some people would see it that way)

[LibrariesGaveUsP0wer]

I hope everything works out ok OP. Just be really clear with your MIL why you are telling them.

If I was your SIL, I would be appalled if I discovered I'd used the name without knowing. And once I did I would rule it out. I ruled out a name when pregnant because a friend (who I rarely see, but know on Facebook) used the name for her stillborn daughter. I felt that there were plenty of names out there in the world and I wasn't about to do anything that made her life even that tiny bit harder to cope with.

[ALassUnparalleled]

Would you have used the same name even if your sister had a live child with that name though ALassUnparalleled?
I'd consider not upsetting my sister as more important than a name

I don't follow your question. If my sister had a live child what difference does it make if I'd wanted the same name? The OP is talking about her sisters in law, not her sisters. Sorry but the name I picked was a common name but hugely significant to me.

[Andrewofgg]

If DW and I ahd been in the situation of the parents-to-be we would as a matter of course not have used the name you intended for your boy - if we knew.

So ask them not to, but not by phone, not by text, by letter, good old-fashioned letter. It carries more weight than anything else.

Much love to you. This must be rotten for you.

[Defenderwife]

If this was going to be an issue you should have informed your family of your sons name prior to this. Now that boat has sailed you just have to be upfront and tell them. Skirting around the issue is not good. What if they pick it, set heir hearts on it and start referring to bump as the name. They won't easily change their minds.

[NewLife4Me]

Hello OP, so sorry for your loss.
I think telling mil and asking for advice about the tree is a splendid idea.
Even if she doesn't automatically tell her daughters, I'm sure she would when one of them told her the name if they chose the same.
I don't think you can ask them not to use the same name but I'm sure they wouldn't anyway when they know.
Some people are very superstitious about using a deceased person name you could try this approach if you feel the tree and mil might not work.
Sending you hugs, I can't imagine what you are going through

[Booyaka]

ALassUnparralled, I would probably think that my sister not feeling pain every time she heard my child's name was far more important than any reason for a name.

[LibrariesGaveUsP0wer]

I suspect given that these are third children the possibility of there being a 'I must use this name as it was the name of my late father ' complication is much reduced. And I suspect something that significant the OP would already be aware of the issue.

[wherehavealltheflowersgone]

If I was your SIL I'd be devastated if I used your ds' name without knowing.
Tell them directly - "our ds is named xxx", don't rely on your MIL
So sorry for your loss

[buntingbingo]

I think if you explained it to them as you have done in your post then they would totally understand. If it were me I'd hate to think I'd used the name and made you sad. I'd far rather have a heads up and also just because I cared I'd like to know what you'd named your darling baby.

[ShelaghTurner]

It seems to be being sorted now but if I was your SIL I'd absolutely want to know and would hate to upset you. I really would have just rung one of them or MIL if you have a good relationship with her and say it straight, that you've been really worrying about this, that you had called your little boy whatever and that you'd find it very hard if one of them used the name and you just wanted to get it out there so that they were aware of it. After that it's up to them to hopefully be considerate of your feelings.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son and I think anyone with an ounce of compassion would want to spare you further heartache.

[catsrus]

I'm going to be a dissenting voice I'm afraid. My exh and I had no problem agreeing on girls names, luckily as we had three! But could only ever agree on one boys name - and it was actually one that was very very special to me. In my head any son of mine was already called it from the moment of conception. I'm not sure how I would have coped if it had been implied that it was 'off limits'. I would like to feel that I would have been able to get beyond it and choose another name, but it would have been a huge thing for me at the time.

[NameChange30]

"A huge thing" - as huge of losing your baby and having to deal with the grief? No, didn't think so. Anyway, it's not the same situation - the OP is not asking her SILs to change a name they've already chosen and set their heart on. She is going to tell them her son's name and explain she would be upset if they used it - that's not the same as forbidding them or banning the name. In the unlikely event that they wanted to use it they could discuss it with her and even go ahead and use it if it was more important to them than upsetting her. But I very much doubt that would happen.

Hope all the conversations go well, OP. Please let us know what happensz

[catsrus]

Of course it's not as huge as losing her baby - but I'm just being honest about how I think I would have felt. They don't even live in the same country as the OP. They might have already, in their heads and hearts, named their own babies. I had, I knew exactly what each baby was called when I got pregnant. We had talked about it and agreed names before they were born. I know some people don't do that - but there is the possibility that they have.

[Lndnmummy]

If I was your SIL I would leave your son's name alone. They would not use it if he had been born alive and being an angel baby will not make a difference. Please tell them, they are mothers and will understand.
I am so sorry for your loss, I had a similar experience so I understand. My little girl was named Ella and I would be distraught if anyone in my family used her name.
Please tell them, and .

[NameChange30]

Well, if they have already decided on a name, and in the very unlikely event that it's the same name, at least they can discuss it. If the OP doesn't bring it up she will be worrying herself sick, probably for nothing, and if it is an issue, she will be missing out on an opportunity to discuss and resolve it.

[NameChange30]

(Last post was to catsrus)

[Smartiepants79]

They are family. I would write them a letter. Explain how you feel and that you understand it may sound unreasonable but you can't get past how it would make you feel.
If you were my family I'd want to know and I'd respect your feelings.
They need to know what you named you son. The rest is up to them.

[ALassUnparalleled]

That's a good point AnotherEmma. I decided my son's name within the first few weeks of conception. The name is of the person who meant more to me than anyone else in the world , including my husband, and whom I knew was going to lose in the near future. It's unlikely such a situation will apply but if it did it would need to be discussed and resolved.

Sorry off topic but I don't get "They would not use it if he had been born alive" - why shouldn't they ?

[LibrariesGaveUsP0wer]

Lass - Given this is a third child for both of them, the odds are only 1/4 that they don't already have a boy. In which case any of those super special names are likely to already have been used. Plus the OP would probably be aware of the likely problem and have mentioned it in her OP.

[Senpai]

catsrus Yeah, I've had my daughter's name picked out since I was 8 years old because I watched a TV show with that character name, and the name stood the test of time as I got older. I really had my heart set on that name.

But... if a close friend of mine recently lost a baby, and it really meant that much to her I would likely choose a different name. A friend's feelings are more important to me than a cute anecdote of "Hey DD, I've had your name picked out since I was your age".