Asking them not to use 'our' baby name - sensitive

[sparechange]

This isn't another 'name claim' thread, I promise...

Earlier this year, DH and I were given the worst news at our 20 week scan, and lost the baby shortly afterwards, a few days short of 24 weeks. This meant that it wasn't officially classified as a still birth, and we didn't have to legally register the birth. However, we still named the baby and remember him as our son. After we lost him, our families were very supportive, but in the blur that was the weeks afterwards, I don't remember anyone asking if we had named the baby, much less what the name was. DH said no one asked him either.

Fast forward a few months, and 2 of my SILs announce they are pregnant. 3rd child for both of them, one due just before Christmas and the other just afterwards. Both have found out they are having boys.

I've been having real panics that one of them is going to give their baby the same name we gave ours. Even thinking about it is making me cry, because it somehow feels like it will 'erode' his memory. I therefore suggested to DH that we find a way to drop into conversation that we had named our baby, and hope they then don't use that name. He said it would be a strange thing to do and we have to just hope they don't pick the name.

So, AIBU to ask them to not use the name of our son? If I'm not, how do I word this? We live in a very different part of the country to them, so it would have to be by phone (or text?) rather than face to face.

[Onthepigsback]

Definitely fine to tell them the name you choose and give them the heads up in case it was one they were thinking of. I would be very upset to choose the same name as my SIL's lost baby, especially so recently.

Ignore the posters who say you can't ban a name. Maybe you would be banning a name in reality but its far more complicated and reasonable than that. Don't worry about being all PC about it. Tell them the next time you are chatting 'I don't know if we told everyone the name of our son but it was X in case it was one you were considering it for your baby, I'm not sure I could cope with hearing it used again so soon in the family'.

They will understand unless they are totally self centered.

[sofato5miles]

You poor thing, my heart goes out to you.

You have to be direct and simple, otherwise your message could get confused. Which will hurt you more.

Please speak, or get your husband to speak to, your motherinlaw

[sparechange]

wooaah, I've just seen your post brioche
Are you aware of what you have suggested? Seriously?

[EponasWildDaughter]

Oh God.

Tactless brioche

OP.
I would tell your MIL what you've been worrying about. Plan a visit if you can, wait for a quiet time together, take a deep breath and be honest. Say what you've said here. You had a name all planned for your boy, and you can't get it out of your head that you'd get upset if it was used so soon agian in the family. She'll sort it for you :)

[Flomple]

OP are you sure Brioche is suggesting what you think she is suggesting? Because I don't think she is. You need to say what you mean or, I'll say it again, there is potential for misunderstanding and unintentional hurt to be caused.

Returning to your original dilemma, I think if you 'subtley' mention your son's name without saying what you want, there is genuinely a risk that one of your in laws will think you'd actually like it used, albeit most likely as a middle name. Much as my mother took to announcing how much she liked Much Loved Great Aunt Thingummy's name, randomly in conversation gaps when I was pregnant. I know the loss of your baby is not the same as my mum's loss of her favourite aunty, obviously, but however sensitive your relatives are to your feelings (and it sounds like they are), they are not mind readers.

[alltouchedout]

Oh OP, I'm so sorry.
But, wanting to say so as gently and kindly as possible, I'm afraid I do think you are B a little U. You just can't dictate name choice; no matter how painful you might find another child sharing your son's name, you can't try to ban its use. Although I do think finding a way to tell others what your son's name is would be a good idea- if a friend or relative had lost and named a child I very much doubt I would use the name for any child of mine.

[devilsice123]

So very sorry for your loss.I hope there is someway that you can tell them perhaps by letter would be more personal than text or easier than phone call x

[christinarossetti]

Also, thinking this through, if one of the families did call their ds this name and you were - very understandably - upset, their first question would be 'why didn't you tell us?'

Which would be fair enough.

[sparechange]

christina
That's a really good point. It puts them in a horrible position to not mention it.

Right, I've spoken to DH again. He is going to speak to his dad and I'm going to call MIL later and just be straight with them, and ask them to filter the news down to SILs. Knowing them, they'll be straight in touch after MIL has spoken to them, and we can talk about it further if they want to.

Thanks everyone for your opinions and input, and also your kind words about our loss

[NameChange30]

Ah so glad to hear your DH has agreed to talking to them. Good luck, I'm sure they will all be understanding and lovely about it.

[Snoopadoop]

They're both mothers, and can imagine what you've been through - I'd let them know if it was me.

This. ^^ I would simply explain, as you have here, about how you feel and say that although you can't demand anything you would really appreciate it if they did not use his name and his name was ...

I am very sorry for your loss.

[MoonSandwich]

Are you sure it wouldn't be better for your DH to call his sisters. Isn't it complicating things to involve your MIL?

[christinarossetti]

Sounds like OP has a plan. Glad to hear you sounding better about it sparechange,
.

Hope that the conversations go well and you have a chance to talk about your little boy and your grief.

[wannaBe]

There is no right or wrong in this situation. As you are grieving you are not wrong to think of this name as your baby's name at this stage. But reality is that it's not just your baby's name, presumably you know others with this name too, and will continue to do so if other babies are born to friends, family etc.

Your sil's will have their own reasons for wanting to use that name, assuming they even do want to use the name, and they are not wrong for wanting to do so.

but tbh if I were your sil i would feel a bit if you had never felt close enough to me to tell me your baby's name, share that you had planted a tree etc but then decided to bring it up on the off-chance I might want to use it for my own baby.

Did you receive any counselling after your loss? perhaps that could help you to come to terms with things.

Also, while I understand your wish to potentially give a subsequent baby your baby's name as his middle name, please think carefully about this. My ex mil is named after a baby who died, I can't remember if it was a sister or cousin or aunt, but she was named in this child's memory and she hates it, because growing up she felt as if she was expected to share in this baby's memory - a memory which was never her's as she never knew the baby in question so isn't her's to share iyswim. In fact there's a bit of a history of this in my xh's family. He and SIL were researching the family tree some time back and discovered a few instances where babies and young children died while their mothers were pregnant, and those babies being given the same names as the ones who had died just months before.

The name being out there in circulation doesn't take away from your own baby. He will always be in your heart no matter how many people give their babies the same name.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

If I were you, I'd speak to them woman to woman about it, especially if your DH is ambivalent about discussing it, and doesn't like talking about it anyway.

I would mention it. I would consider something along the lines of "thank you for your sensitivity and consideration for my feelings about the loss of (your son's name) when discussing your pregnancies, I really do appreciate it. It's been hard for me, especially as (your son's name) would have been their big cousin, but you've been really kind".

No PA, no "please don't use this name" but double emphasis on what your son was called and that the new babies will be his cousins; should give them the heads up that it would be better to have a different name.

Having said that, it depends on their general sensitivity.

My mum lost her second baby, he was stillborn - he would have been called Dx* (I don't actually know whether or not he was named/registered etc, it's all shrouded in secrecy :( ). My Dad's brother and his wife had a son the following year - they called him Dx. My Dad's cousin, whom we almost never saw, also had a son that they called Dx. So IF my brother had lived, there would have been 3 of them with the same first name and surname, all within a couple of years of each other.

*Obviously not the actual name!

My MIL went one step weirder, IMO - her first son was stillborn. She called him Sx Jx. Her next son was also called Sx Jx (DH's older brother). I find this very odd - to have 2 sons with the same name, almost as though the second one cancelled out the first one. I don't know whose idea it was, but DH's father was Irish; so you might need to be more explicit re. not using your DS's name for either of his cousins, just in case there is some kind of tradition thing there (I don't know if there is or not, just mentioning it!)

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Huh, massive xpost with Wannabe - seems like it was a bit of a "thing" but still very weird, IMO!

[Lelania]

It is incredibly unlikely that the name that you have chosen is the one name they have considered. I think you should just talk to her as it will put your mind at rest.

[Helpmeoutofthemaze]

I think the easiest thing to do from your pov would be to ask your dh to talk to mil about this and get mil to tell both her daughters about your feelings. Message put across with minimal upset to you.

If they know, I'm sure they would not use the name. When I was pg, dh suggested a random name that he liked. I remembered 25 years earlier, my aunty had a still born baby (when I was about 6 or 7) and that this name was the baby's name so said to dh we couldn't use it. After 25 years had elapsed (and 3 other kids came along) I was very sure my aunty still hurts and couldn't possibly consider the very nice name.

Very sorry for the loss of your ds.

[blaeberry]

We lost a ds a similar stage to your ds. We had a little service at a graveside and buried him so his name was common knowledge within the family - he has a gravestone. About five years later my sister was pregnant with a little boy and asked if they could use this name. They gave us time to think. We said yes. Their little 'Fred' is not our little 'Fred', we can remember our ds without thinking of theirs and don't think of our ds every time their ds is mentioned. We did feel weird about the request at the time but it has worked out ok. Maybe the five years gap helped though.

I wouldn't try and drop this into conversation. I think you either need to be totally upfront and honest about how you feel or just keep the name to yourself and accept there is a chance they may use it. But in the end, your ds has his own identify and existence that no other child can diminish.

[mummymeister]

well done OP. glad that you now have a plan and that you are going to do it straightaway. it really will feel like a load off of your mind once it is done.

[ratspeaker]

I'm sorry for your loss OP.
Im glad your DH is going to mention it to his parents, it's best to say how upsetting it would be for you if the name was to be used.

It's possible your SIL have already discretely found out the name you gave your son, when I was first pregnant a friend had lost her baby, they never mentioned a name at the time so I quietly asked her sister what the baby was called as I was aware how it could cause hurt or offence to use the same or similar name.

[TheIncomparableDejahThoris]

I am sorry for your loss. I don't think you are being unreasonable.

If you were my SIL, I would take it as read that the name was his name, and I would never use it, but I think you need certainty.

You can't put yourself through just waiting and seeing what they do. Talking is a great plan.

[purplemunkey]

I'm glad you're letting them know. I also understand why you've kept your precious son's name to yourself until now, I'm so sorry for your loss

I agree with others, if I were your SIL and found out after the fact that I'd used your son's name I'd be devastated that I'd caused you so much upset x

[OVienna]

When you do speak to them tonight, do be direct.

Dropping hints, as has been suggested on here, could lead some people to think you were HOPING your DS might be memorialised by having part of the name recognised in your SILs children. Like the poster above said about her mum and the great auntie.

If you do it like this they could just wonder what you're on about, what you mean by mentioning it. "I never liked that name anyway? Will we offend them if we don't use it? "

Maybe you're family's not weird like mine though.

I am one of those SILs who would want to know, for sure, if you felt like this.

[2rebecca]

I would tell them that you named your stillborn baby x and would prefer them not to use that name.
I suspect it hasn't occurred to them that your baby had a name if you've never told them it.
One of my relatives had a miscarriage at 18 weeks and never mentioned naming the baby and it never occurred to me to ask. I would have felt insensitive asking her that, especially if she hadn't named it (long time ago so I can't remember the sex) and I made her feel she should have done so she then felt guilty.
I'd hate to have used the name she chose without realising it.