Asking them not to use 'our' baby name - sensitive

[sparechange]

This isn't another 'name claim' thread, I promise...

Earlier this year, DH and I were given the worst news at our 20 week scan, and lost the baby shortly afterwards, a few days short of 24 weeks. This meant that it wasn't officially classified as a still birth, and we didn't have to legally register the birth. However, we still named the baby and remember him as our son. After we lost him, our families were very supportive, but in the blur that was the weeks afterwards, I don't remember anyone asking if we had named the baby, much less what the name was. DH said no one asked him either.

Fast forward a few months, and 2 of my SILs announce they are pregnant. 3rd child for both of them, one due just before Christmas and the other just afterwards. Both have found out they are having boys.

I've been having real panics that one of them is going to give their baby the same name we gave ours. Even thinking about it is making me cry, because it somehow feels like it will 'erode' his memory. I therefore suggested to DH that we find a way to drop into conversation that we had named our baby, and hope they then don't use that name. He said it would be a strange thing to do and we have to just hope they don't pick the name.

So, AIBU to ask them to not use the name of our son? If I'm not, how do I word this? We live in a very different part of the country to them, so it would have to be by phone (or text?) rather than face to face.

[Thelushinthepub]

What you've been through is just awful. I do think you're focussing too much on this as no reason to think they will use that name. I think I would find a way to tell both your families that you named your son no least so you can talk about him.

However I'm
Afraid I think you would be very unreasonable to tell them not to use the name in the unlikely event they have decided to do so.

[jorahmormont]

If I were your SIL I'd want to know, to avoid causing any offence or distress to you.

To be honest if I were your SIL, I would have tried to find a diplomatic way of asking - "Are there any names you'd rather we avoided, so as not to make it difficult for you?" or similar.

It's not about banning a name. The families are close. I can see how you'd feel like it was 'eradicating' his memory in a way. I made sure I checked with my parents, before we asked if we could use my brother's middle name (he died when I was younger) as a middle name for DD if she had been a boy - it's just one of those things that you do. If you're not comfortable with the idea, you should absolutely let them know. If you get on with them, I can't see them taking offence at all - I'd be grateful for being told.

So sorry for your loss

[ChatEnOeuf]

I'm sorry for your loss. Our son was stillborn at 36 weeks and I would hate for anyone close to us to use his name. If DD wants to honour him by using his name in 20 or so years time, I would be proud, but I'd rather his name stays his for now.

It's difficult if you haven't already spoken about your son by using his name. I don't agree with your DH that you should chance it, I think you should talk to them. How do you feel about asking them what names they are thinking of? You could then share a little story about you chose your boy's name.

[Thelushinthepub]

The problem with saying it isn't banned but we are just telling them we'd rather they didn't use it, or even just telling them the name is what if they by coincidence have chosen that name and do want to use it? They may feel they have no choice but to choose something else- I know I would. So effectively it would be banned

[sparechange]

Kevin
No, they haven't minimised it at all, although they are quite 'Irish' about it, in terms of how you grieve and move on.

But regarding telling them the name, it really is just that there has just been no appropriate time to bring it up. After the diagnosis, all talk was about that.
Then when I came out of hospital, I got regular messages from them, but always asking how I was recovering physically, they were thinking of me, they were sending lots of love our way.
There was just never any sort of question that would have given us the opportunity to tell them his name.

In answer to a couple of other questions - no this isn't a name that is already in DH's family.
It is

[BitchPeas]

I think the idea of sending MiL a photo of the tree with his name and asking how to tend to it is a great idea, do it today so it's a weight off your shoulders.

Unless your SiLs are very self centred and lacking in empathy I'm sure they would never dream of using the name.

I would want to know if I was your SiL.

[Flomple]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I am not convinced about mentioning his name and then leaving it at that. People interpret these things in different ways and if your B&SIL happen to pick up a different message from the one you think you are sending, there is potential for you to feel massively hurt because you'd interpret that as somehow malicious, as well as everything else you'd be feeling about the babies sharing a name.

I think I'm with your DH on this one. The chance of them choosing your name is probably tiny (does depend what his name is of course). I think either don't tell, run the tiny risk of them chosing the same name and then deal with your feelings KNOWING that there was no ulterior motive, no disrespect to your baby, just purely that they and you happen to both love the same name. Or explicitly tell them your baby's name and say you hope they would remember him as a member of the family and avoid the cousins sharing names. But just mentioning his name and hoping they take the hint has too much potential for misinterpretation and hurt.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Is it a very popular name where you live? If it's something more unusual it's quite unlikely either would chose it in any case.

However, I agree entirely with letting your MIL know your baby's name. You say that anything you tell her generally trickles down to her daughters so they will then know & hopefully do the considerate thing and avoid the name.

I'm sorry for your loss and, for what it's worth, I would feel the same .

[Booboostwo]

If I was your SIL I would want to know your son's name and your feelings about a cousin not having the same name. I would be more than happy. To avoid this one name so as not to add to your sorrow.

Sorry for your loss

[Brioche201]

If I were your SIL I'd want to know, to avoid causing any offence or distress to you.

and not only that .What happened to you was every pregnant mother's worst nightmare.A tiny part of me would think I might be tempting fate by using the same name.

[sparechange]

What about this, or is it monumentally passive aggressive..?

Next time one of them asks how I am, I could say I'm having a bad day because I've just seen on Facebook that someone I used to know/work with/go to school with has had a baby and named him the same name we gave DS, which is [name] and it has knocked me for 6, so I'm going for a walk so no one in the office sees me crying?

Then she will understand how upset I am, without me having to make any ultimatums?

[MoonSandwich]

I think it's perfectly OK for them not to have asked you sons name. I would have waited to be told rather than asking and if you hadn't mentioned a name I would have assumed that you hadn't named the baby.

Although the name isn't in your DHs family it may well be in your SIL's husbands families. Iykwim.

I think you should have another chat with your DH and try to agree what to do with him. I hope this thread has been useful. There is no right or wrong with this situation.

[MoonSandwich]

Sparechange
I wouldn't do the Facebook thing. It's best to be straightforward about these things.

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

I agree with Moon - If you are going to tell them, you need to be honest and upfront about what you are telling them and why.

The Facebook post is transparent and passive aggressive.

Best of luck. It'll be a difficult conversation, I'd imagine, but it sounds like this is already causing you much anxiety so it might be a relief to get it over with.

[yankeecandle4]

Please, please tell them the name of your son. It is their grandson/nephew and I am sure they would love to know his name. Also please be honest and share your concerns with them, you say they are nice and have regular contact with them so I am sure they will understand your fears.

Sorry for your loss OP x

[Flomple]

I think it would achieve what you want OP but it's rather manipulative. How would you feel if she brought round flowers and cake to make you feel better? How would you feel if your SIL invented upset and tears to get across a specific thing she wanted you to do or not do?

[NameChange30]

Sorry for your loss OP

I think this is a good idea:
"We have actually already planted a tree for him, on what should have been his due date. We didn't tell anyone at the time, but I could send MIL a photo of the tree and ask for advice keeping it alive - she is a mad keen gardener and I'm a bit clueless. That might be a good way of dropping it into conversation!
SILs are her daughters, so she she shares a lot with them and I hope it would trickle down. "

But I think it's a terrible idea to make up a story about someone else giving their baby the same name. Sorry but don't do that! It's lying and it's massively passive aggressive!

I think you should be honest with your SILs and tell them your DS's name. If I was in their position I would most definitely want to know. Much better to tell them now. I would find it much easier to take a name out of the equation before making my decision. Much worse if they decide on the name, have their heart set on it, and announce it... At that point it would be very difficult to ask them to change it. The scenario is unlikely but it can easily be avoided by telling them DS's name, so I don't see why you wouldn't. I think your DH is wrong to bury his head in the sand and he should respect your feelings at this difficult time.

[willconcern]

So sorry this has happened to you.

I would also be totally upfront. I would speak to SIL/BIL - not text or email, but by phone if you can't see them (assuming you get on fine with them) and be really honest. Say you're pleased about their pregnancies, and explain how the fear they'll choose his name has worried you, tell them the name. If I were your SIL, I wouldn't use your name. Like AnotherEmma says, difficult to deal with this after the event if they happened to use the name.

for you.

[LoveAnchor]

Sparechange, I am so sorry.

I don't agree that this is a strange or unreasonable request. But if you do it in a roundabout way, dropping hints and stuff, I think it could come across as strange. Stating clearly that it would upset you if they chose the same name because you are grieving is totally fine.

If you find it hard to talk about it (which you will), it's ok to say so, i.e. 'I find it a bit hard to talk about this, but it's really important to me'.

There's every chance that they are not considering your son's name anyway.

Good luck xxx

[LittleTulip]

A very close family member named their son the same name as my stillborn baby. They were just a month apart in due dates. It was awful at the time but 2 years on it really doesn't bother me.

[SometimesItRains]

I have no experience of this, but if I was the SIL I would hate to think I had picked a name that would upset you. I would be more than happy to be told your son's name and asked not to use it. If it was a family name of mine then I might be a little upset, but I think I could put that to one side and pick something else if it meant avoiding the risk of upsetting my brother and his wife (or even just bringing up memories) every time I used his name.

[christinarossetti]

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss of your little boy. It's a long, hard road.

I honestly think the only sensible course of action is to speak/text/e-mail/FB (whatever you feel most comfortable with) your SILS, and say that you've named your ds and would rather that they didn't use the name.

And then it's up to them.

As someone who has walked the road of grief many times, including following the death of my first baby, the underlying issues sounds like the struggle that you're having coming to terms with what happened to you, your grief and being able to share that with those around you.

It's about the name that you chose, but also how and when you talk about your ds and your loss if that makes sense.

Take care.

[christinarossetti]

You don't have to make ultimatiums. You just need to ask them not to use this particular name and leave it in their hands.

[cdwales]

As many have already said this is a straightforward one! If your SILs knew they would not want to use the name but to be fair your ought to let them in on it sooner rather than later. I am surprised that you have not referred to him by name already as he clearly has a place in your heart and I would have thought that it would be painful to hear him referred to in the neuter pronoun.

[ChickenTikkaMassala]

Hi OP, you have my utmost sympathy.

I think if you're going to say something then you need to be direct, don't make up a story or be passive aggressive.