Asking them not to use 'our' baby name - sensitive

[sparechange]

This isn't another 'name claim' thread, I promise...

Earlier this year, DH and I were given the worst news at our 20 week scan, and lost the baby shortly afterwards, a few days short of 24 weeks. This meant that it wasn't officially classified as a still birth, and we didn't have to legally register the birth. However, we still named the baby and remember him as our son. After we lost him, our families were very supportive, but in the blur that was the weeks afterwards, I don't remember anyone asking if we had named the baby, much less what the name was. DH said no one asked him either.

Fast forward a few months, and 2 of my SILs announce they are pregnant. 3rd child for both of them, one due just before Christmas and the other just afterwards. Both have found out they are having boys.

I've been having real panics that one of them is going to give their baby the same name we gave ours. Even thinking about it is making me cry, because it somehow feels like it will 'erode' his memory. I therefore suggested to DH that we find a way to drop into conversation that we had named our baby, and hope they then don't use that name. He said it would be a strange thing to do and we have to just hope they don't pick the name.

So, AIBU to ask them to not use the name of our son? If I'm not, how do I word this? We live in a very different part of the country to them, so it would have to be by phone (or text?) rather than face to face.

[Neddyteddy]

The only thing you could do is maybe mention to your relatives that you had named your baby x. It wouldn't be appropriate to ban the name.

[ALassUnparalleled]

I'm afraid I agree with Neddyteddy

[passmethewineplease]

Sorry for your loss OP.

I also wouldn't wait and see, that would just put undue stress/worry on you.

Are you close enough with SIL to talk about to them or with MIL be better/easier?

OP isn't trying to ban a name either.

[sleeponeday]

I could send MIL a photo of the tree and ask for advice keeping it alive - she is a mad keen gardener and I'm a bit clueless. That might be a good way of dropping it into conversation!

I think that sounds a perfect solution, tbh. If they are kind people, they'd not want to do anything to cause you even more pain.

[JoandMax]

I'm so sorry for your loss

If you were my SIL I would 100% want you to feel you could tell me and I'd have no issue at all not using the name you gave your son. Are you close enough to them or your MIL to have a chat about it?

[Hairballs]

How very sad for you, OP. I'm so sorry.

A friend of mine lost her little girl a couple of years ago, very shortly after birth. She had a very pretty, relatively popular name. Every time I hear of a baby with this name I think of the one my friend lost. I could never, ever use it for a girl now.

If I were you I would, as others have suggested, let them know the name but not request that they don't use it.

[Hairballs]

And if I were your SIL I would, without a doubt, want you to tell me.

[HeteronormativeHaybales]

I am very sorry for the loss of your dear son.

Somewhat different situation but I lost a friend to cancer earlier this summer and am pregnant with a girl. I asked her dh if he would be OK with me giving her his late dw's name as a middle name, to honour her and keep her memory alive. He was very pleased and touched. Now, I certainly would not have done this if the loss had been of a baby, but it's not inconceivable that eithert of your SILs might think it was a way of honouring his memory if they knew the name. I would hope they would ask first before going ahead, as I did my friend's widower, but one doesn't know what people will or won't do. So I think I would want to ask them explicitly somehow, seeing as it is very important to you that they don't use the name. If you get on with/trust MIL, I would perhaps speak to her and ask her if she can speak about it to her daughters.

[sparechange]

I find the idea of them taking it upon themselves to 'honour' the memory of our son, without speaking to us about it first, really, really bizarre! I therefore don't think they would do that (and they haven't picked family names for any other their other children). I suppose it comes down to whether or not our name is already on their list, and if it is, whether knowing it was our son's name is enough for them to think they shouldn't also use it.

I know this is probably going to smack of huge double standards, but I have thought about using it as a middle name is we have another son in the future, but that isn't the reason I don't want another boy in the family with that name! I think it would be fine for us to explain one day to our son that is middle name was the name his older brother also had, where as a DN asking why they chose his name, and being told Aunty Sparechange lost a baby and we named you after him is just a bit odd!

It isn't that we aren't close as a family. We text each other every day, facetime with the DCs once a week and see them as often as it practically possible, but they live in rural Ireland and we live in London. They have been very sensitive about being pregnant so soon after I lost my baby, but DH just doesn't like talking about it

[Shutthatdoor]

Sorry for your loss OP

Of course you can ask them to not use the name, however are you sure that there isn't a reason why they want to use it themselves such as a family member within their DPs family with that name?

[KittyandTeal]

I totally understand. We lost our dd2 at 22 weeks. I would be devastated if anyone close to us used her name. I still stop short when I come across children with her name.

However, unless you sil is a little strange I'm sure she wouldn't consider using his name. I would possibly leave it, maybe drop it into conversation like pp have said.

Saying that is my sil named her dd the same name as dd2 I'd throw a shit fit tbh.

[Booyaka]

Just phone them and tell them. I really honestly cannot see any situation where anybody who wasn't a total wouldn't understand. I'm sure they wouldn't want to inadvertently hurt you and they won't mind in the slightest.

[KittyandTeal]

Btw, using it as a middle name is not double standards. I have considered the same. I also felt really anxious that the 2 women at work who were pregnant were carrying girls and would use our name. I knew logically they wouldn't but sometimes greif shows itself in some strange ways. Worrying about people using your DC name is fairly normal part of grief I think

[Witchend]

I think you, or perhaps your dh needs to let them know straight, before they've chosen names.

If they've already chosen the name and their child is, to their minds, already called that then they might find it hard not to use it.
If you let then know in plenty of time then unless it is a family name (on either side) then they know not to consider it.

I understand how you feel, and I'm sure they will too. My nephew died at only a couple of weeks old and ten years later, hearing another child called by that name still brings tears to my eyes.

But if you haven't told them the name then it won't have that association for them. So I'd speak to them sooner rather than later. And think about whether it would be better coming from you, dh or mil and whether you have a relationship that face to face will be better or email.

[MoonSandwich]

I can't find the thread I was thinking of but THIS THREAD discusses similar issues. (Sort of)

[Spartans]

Op yanbu. You are grieving.

The only problem would be if it's a family name. Because someone will eventually use it, even if it's the next generation.

Some people do use names to honour family members though, we have. All my male cousins middle name is that of my mums brother who died at 3 months old. I do hope they would ask though if they thought of it.

[Mermaidhair]

Op you are grieving and it must be hard knowing your two sil are both having boys. I'm not sure what the answer is, but you have been given some good suggestions.

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

Your DH thinks it's a bad idea, and I really think you should listen to him.

Also, if DN asked why they were called X, the reply would be whatever made their parents choose X, which wouldn't be about your baby - unless you tell them that he was called X and then they choose to use that name, for that reason. There would be another reason, so it wouldn't be so strange.

If they are due just before and just after Christmas, they probably already have a good idea of what names are serious contenders. Are you close enough that they've mentioned any of these to you?

I think it just seems odd because you've been so very private about what your son's name is, down to planting a tree without telling them, and now you only wish to share his name so that they don't use it. If they already knew, it'd be much less of a risk.

I really do feel for you, it's a minefield.

[mummymeister]

I don't think that this is about the OP banning the use of the name. personally if I was her SIL I would really want to know before I started thinking about names because I would be mortified if I chose the same name.

Of course you cant ban a name, particularly if it is a "family" one with its own traditions in your family. but most normal people don't go out to cause hurt or offence deliberately and need to be told.

Your DH might not like talking about it but you need to still and it is clearly and with good reason still on your mind. let them know and do it as soon as you can so that you can put the past behind you and try to move on a little. you can never replace your lost son but you wouldn't want reminders of it.

[MissShunImpossible]

I think if you explained that you're not saying "don't use this name", but "it would be so painful for DH and me if our nephews were called this name", as PPs have said - anyone with any sympathy would want to know so as not to cause you that extra grief.

I'm so sorry xx

[Hellochicken]

I don't think you should just hope information trickles down, I think you should deliberately use your sons name in a phone call and text message to both SILs and do it soon. I definitely would want to know if I was your SIL.

They have time now to consider lots of names, if you mention it at the end and they have picked one/ named child or got their mind set on one it would be harder.

If they already have coincidentally picked this name and knowing it was your sons name, still choose it, then it would be reasonable for them to ask/tell you and at least you will be prepared.

If they were never going to pick the name then no harm done, you hadn't "banned" the name.

Mentioning his name in conversation or text is not strange imo.

[sparechange]

Anchor, DH doesn't think it is a bad idea, he just thinks they'll think we are 'strange' for bringing it up. I think a lot of that is his way of dealing with what happened, but it isn't going to cause some row if I want to have the conversation. The responses from the thread are as split on this as him and I are!

It isn't about so private about it. We named him before we found out he was dying, and we confirmed after he was born that we would call him by his name. I just can't remember anyone actually asking me if we had named him. We obviously weren't about to make any sort of announcement about his name at that time, but there just hasn't been a time since to bring it up in conversation. Some friends know the name because they asked me outright if we had named him. Those who haven't asked, don't know

[KevinAndMe]

What missShun and others have said.
It is totally understandable that you wouldn't want a DN to be called the same name.

I'm wondering though why you never said to anyone that you gave a name to your little boy and that you had planted agree in his memory.
I really do believe it's more than OK to remember those little ones who were born sleeping and that they ARE part of the family.
So, to my question, is the reason you never said anything that your family IL wouldn't quite understand that you did that? eg they look at it as 'just' a miscarriage and woudnt think about it anymore