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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not invite my sister for Christmas, knowing she will spend it alone

151 replies

eedon · 28/09/2015 09:26

I want to just have Christmas just with my own family and people I want around. My sister unfortunately I don't get on well with an no one wants her around, just brings a bad atmosphere with her. Without sounding like a bitch, its probably her own fault that her marriage broke down and she has no friends to spend Christmas with. Her attitude and the way she treats people is exactly why.

Aibu to not invite her? She probably will have a few pity invites and mine would just be another.

OP posts:
steff13 · 29/09/2015 04:42

Tell me - what would be the appropriate slang for two males in the OP's situation?

Bastards? Asshats? Douchebags? There are any number of applicable terms.

Senpai · 29/09/2015 05:21

I get along great with my family and we don't see each other Christmas day. Christmas day is just for immediate family here so that we have the day to relax and enjoy ourselves. Christmas eve and the days following are for extended family. Obviously there are exceptions if someone has trouble with days off, we'll split Christmas day. But as a rule, that generally applies. Can you make it non-personal like that and spend a couple hours with her on boxing day (is that the day after over there)?

I do get where you're coming from. If your sister has no friends or other family that wants her around, that says quite a bit about her and her pattern of behavior. Everyone has at least one friend.

My FIL is exhausting, and sees people as objects that are only as useful as far as they can do things for him. He's in a wheelchair which helps him pull on heartstrings to take advantage of well meaning people until they are so exhausted and depleted from all his demands that they no longer speak to him. We make bets on how long his newest sucker will last. There's no point in warning them, he's too good at what he does that they have to learn the hard way. I mean, how would you react if someone told you that this "poor, sweet, disabled elderly man who's own son leaves him high and dry when he just needs a little help" is going to turn into your ever living nightmare in a couple weeks? We laugh a little harder at the ones who get sanctimonious and self righteous when we visit about helping him even though we won't. They fall the hardest. We have to detach and laugh about it, or we'll be banging our heads against the wall in frustration He just moved into his new place less than a year ago and has already used up and taken advantage of all his neighbors on the entire street. Shock

As you can imagine, he has no friends and DH barely tolerates him. He only goes to see him for the sake of DD so she can see her grandpa (and he is very good with her, oddly enough). We would never have him over for Christmas Day. If I wrote an AIBU thread about leaving our poor, elderly, disabled FIL all alone on Christmas day, (or even a thread saying I refused to help him with something seemingly trivial) you bet I'd be called a cunt for it. You can't understand it until you've lived it with a manipulative and toxic family member.

parrotsummer · 29/09/2015 06:43

I'm sure many people have one friend, but in terms of Christmas, it's whether it would be appropriate to spend Christmas with them. I have friends whose loyalty and friendship is not underestimated but I still wouldn't spend Christmas with them.

Savagebeauty · 29/09/2015 07:54

I've spent many Xmas days alone in my twenties due to my job. Quite happily....I always politely declined kind offers from friends as I didn't want to spend it with their families

DinosaursRoar · 29/09/2015 09:15

If any of my friends were alone on Christmas day, I'd invite them to join us. However, all of my friends are my friends because I like them - some are better friends than others, but those who have some bad behaviours have good ones to ensure I put up with it and they are still friends. The people who have no redeeming features who end up alone, or could be great people, but just don't want other people in their life - which is fine as decisions go too.

Gottagetmoving · 29/09/2015 09:21

No one should have to invite someone out of a sense of duty or just because they are 'family'
If, as OP says, this sister has alienated people and has a bad attitude to others, then that is reason enough not to invite her plus your responsibility is to your own immediate family to have a good Christmas.
All these stupid rules about what you should and shouldn't do at Christmas are ridiculous.

IKnowIAmButWhatAreYou · 29/09/2015 09:35

If you don't want her there for Christmas, don't invite her. If you don't enjoy her company why on earth would you?

I can't understand this "we're related" crap, relatives can be arseholes and no-one has to put up with arseholes....

Savagebeauty · 29/09/2015 12:01

Exactly gotta stupid rules

Booyaka · 29/09/2015 12:10

I really think it depends on who else you are inviting. If it's just your own nuclear family that's fine. If you're inviting extended family which means there are no alternatives for her because they're all with you then YABU.

ilovesooty · 29/09/2015 13:04

Exactly parrotsummer
I have plenty of friends, some of whom offer invitations for Christmas lunch, but I wouldn't want to intrude on their family time.

ghostspirit · 29/09/2015 13:21

being alone at xmas is horrible. its not as bad for me now my kids are getting a bit older but it was awful. me and my dad used to spend xmas together until he died then i was on my own. well had the 2 kids at the time but they were little and no real company as such. i guess its much worse for people who dont have children.

my family hardly aknowledges xmas and if they do i feel its rubbed in my face pics on fb. of what a lovely time they are having my mother playing happy familys with her adult kids. if they can be arsed they might text/call and say happy xmas go on about what an ace time they have and then say good bye and i can hear the silence in the room.

its not always peoples fault that they do not have anyone sometimes its how life has been and people dont always do the right thing. and familys fall apart....i know i have been a mug i at least know that...

Gottagetmoving · 29/09/2015 14:37

Everyone is different Ghostspirit

When my children were little I had Christmas with them on our own as I was a single mother. I enjoyed it just being me and them. I tend to think Christmas is for children though, so was happy to share it with them alone.

Our wider family don't get together for Christmas and to be honest, I don't think I would mind being alone if IO had to.

IKnowIAmButWhatAreYou · 29/09/2015 14:49

If you're inviting extended family which means there are no alternatives for her because they're all with you then YABU

Really?? Sounds awfully like hard work....

ghostspirit · 29/09/2015 16:10

moving yeah your right just something thats a bit sensitive to me. i have pics in my head of people having a great time fun laughing etc. and then theres someone all alone. i know this happens but its just difficult to see that someone would purposly do that......although in some cases there are probably good reasons.....

knowiambutwhatareyou i noticed your knick name... my son says that all the time. if some one says your a wolly her will say: i know i am but what are you. Grin

Lemith · 29/09/2015 19:06

I do get where you're coming from. If your sister has no friends or other family that wants her around, that says quite a bit about her and her pattern of behavior. Everyone has at least one friend.

Totally agree. Almost everyone will have someone that they call a friend, although said friend may not feel the same back.

I have a family member who doesnt get invited because she isn't a nice person to spend time with, simple as. She does get pity invites from "friends" (mostly from work) but as they are not really close friends she wouldn't go to them. Sometimes its best to just let people lay in the bed they have made.

Lauren15 · 29/09/2015 19:13

I was guilt tripped into having 'd' b and his lovely wife a few years ago. They were horrible to me and spoiled my dd's first Christmas. I wish I'd had the guts to say no at the time so I think you should do what suits you.

JohnCusacksWife · 29/09/2015 19:57

I do understand a bit where you're coming from, OP. My PIL usually spend Christmas with my SIL but they have fallen out spectacularly this year and are now nc. So for the first time we'll have to have them to ours. I can't say hand on heart I'll enjoy Christmas Day this year as a result as we don't get on that well. But it's the right thing to do so we'll suck it up and have a lovely quiet family day on Boxing Day instead.

Senpai · 29/09/2015 20:07

I have a family member who doesnt get invited because she isn't a nice person to spend time with, simple as. She does get pity invites from "friends" (mostly from work) but as they are not really close friends she wouldn't go to them. Sometimes its best to just let people lay in the bed they have made.

Yes. They're also not going to change after they've already established their behavior the other 364 days of the year.

But to be fair we do spend Christmas Eve with FIL, and make the most of it. He's starting to come around now that he's isolated himself from everyone. We just have to keep firm boundaries with him and let him know that Christmas day is for visiting, not doing favors.

jfisherm · 02/09/2019 03:14

Karma is a bitch. Someday you may be alone at Christmas.

BobbyPuck · 02/09/2019 04:21

Not sure but try not to worry about it until at least November.

Beautiful3 · 02/09/2019 04:36

I used to invite my fil for Christmas and Sunday dinners but had to stop. He would start getting angry and start shouting about the news/politics and call us stupid if we wouldn't agree with him. It got to a point where the children wouldn't eat their dinner and asked to leave the table, because grandad was scary. I just stopped inviting him. At first I felt bad, but my immediate family comes first.

tolerable · 02/09/2019 05:17

failing to see how a vague but honest (in your opinion)query makes you sound like a bitch. ...if you are going to spend christmas with your family,will you be able to do so..knowing not so much shes a nasty sitting all alone..but..you knew that and excluded her anyway?will she care. my ds1 went to his dads every christmas eve (from when he was 9-14)theory being he had a younger sister round there and kids love xmas,sharing the big build up\present thing. santa called here too..so hed pop round for an hour in morning and come back xmas night after t. i never attempted to get involved in christmas day other than providing santastuff and fun snacks and party food.nobody was excluded or left out..it was just how it worked out.if someone is feeling bad or guilty..its not worked out,is my long route to getting there,point

Jesaminecollins · 02/09/2019 05:20

I only spend Christmas with my immediate family which are my daughter, son-inlaw & grandson and my husband & son. I do have a large family with my Dad, Aunties, Uncles and cousins etc but I prefer to not see them at Christmas because it gets too much with too many people - besides they are spread up and down the country so I would have to do a lot of traveling to visit them which I don't want during the holidays.

I think the OP can do exactly what she wants at Christmas and if she doesn't want her sister there it is entirely up to her.

Palaver1 · 02/09/2019 05:27

If you don’t want someone around because your both resentful and unpleasant to your selves,why would you want to be around each other.
We are just into September and your already stresssed out about this.
You should tell your sister how you feel let her know the impact she’s having and decide from the response your given.
At least this gives her a chance to put things right and if her response is a shitty one then no don’t invite her.
I personally would not invite a person who spoils the whole day for others and that’s why I stopped inviting a close family friend and their family as they made it all about themselves.I began to dread it in the end I just said I wouldn’t be hosting anymore and gave no reasons apart from the fact it was becoming a bit too much for me with my daughter who has additional needs.
Wasn’t worth it now Christmas is only for my family and my it’s such a pleasant time now.
I feel your pain.

Blueoasis · 02/09/2019 05:53

I think some posters are either bitches themselves or just like to make other people miserable. Pay them no attention op.

Don't invite your sister. She made her bed by being a twat. She can live with it unless she wants to change. Some people are just horrible to be around (see this thread for examples of those people, it should be obvious). If they want to be nasty all the time and rude, let them, can't change them. But not do we have to spend time with them. Best to leave them to themselves, and keep company with those who are nice.