to not invite my sister for Christmas, knowing she will spend it alone

[eedon]

I want to just have Christmas just with my own family and people I want around. My sister unfortunately I don't get on well with an no one wants her around, just brings a bad atmosphere with her. Without sounding like a bitch, its probably her own fault that her marriage broke down and she has no friends to spend Christmas with. Her attitude and the way she treats people is exactly why.

Aibu to not invite her? She probably will have a few pity invites and mine would just be another.

I agree with hellocampers too. I have an abysmal relationship with my sister, and if I invited her to my house for christmas she would ruin it (as she has done in the past).

Sometimes people are just unpleasant. I wouldn't spoil my christmas for the sake of 'family' if those members can't be decent, pleasant human beings.

Surely it should work two ways - just because you are family it doesn't mean that you can treat family members appallingly due to being related.

Thanks hello, I think your spot on there!

I'm just preparing for Christmas, I know she will drop subtle hints to an invite. I did feel guidly last year when she wasn't invited and probably would of liked to come. But at the same time we had an amazing time that would probably of been ruinined if she was there sniping away.

Its just hard not to feel guilty but its very rare such a day when we are all off work and can spend it together, so don't want it ruined.

I bet two brothers wouldn't get called bitches for not wanting to spend christmas together either.

Tell me - what would be the appropriate slang for two males in the OP's situation?

Is she actually after an invite or even hinted towards one? Could be she doesn't want to spend Christmas with you anyway.

Sorry x posted.

I could never leave anyone I know to spend Christmas alone. In the past I have invited people to spend Christmas with us, friends, in laws, neighbours, friends of friends, even some who can be difficult. I am sure many of us feel we need to invite in laws or others we might not get personally get along with. In a way I often think that is the real meaning of Christmas. I have always thought "what if it was me?" being alone on the day, and with no extended family it could easily have been. One Christmas I did spend alone (and hope it was through no fault of my own) and it upset me greatly. Now we are also foster carers so we often have children placed with us at the very last minute, particularly at that time of year, and again I welcome them, despite their often tragic circumstances and potential to disrupt things.

But what I ALSO do is to make sure we also spend one day with just my close family, that may be Christmas Eve, or Boxing Day, and in a way that is OUR own personal Christmas (I save presents for then also). So we have one day just for us, and another in which we welcome as many people as possible who otherwise would be alone.

The only other thing I would add in regards to your sister is can any of us REALLY know what led to a marriage breakdown other than the couple themselves.

But I wish you luck whatever you decide to do, and hope it works out for the best whether your sister is with you or not. Just do whatever you think is best, there are no rights or wrongs here.

dont invite her. Its not your fault youre related.

Assuming there's a massive backstory here, of course YANBU. Christmas isn't some magic time when difficult family relationships magically resolve into blissfully singing 'O Come All Ye Faithful' around a turkey wearing funny hats. That people buy into the delusion that this is so - and that to spend Christmas alone is a fate worse than death - is the reason that every year there are so many fraught Christmas threads on here.

I've spent Christmas alone and thoroughly enjoyed it, and I have friends who are single and childfree and not close to their families or whose immediate family is dead, who regularly spend Christmas alone - travelling, hillwalking, working, volunteering etc etc - without appearing to realise this is a Terrible Thing.

I have a sil who lives alone and I have no idea how, where or with whom she spends Christmas. She doesn't like me, I don't really like her (though I don't dislike her as much as she seems to dislike me), more to the point, dh (her brother) hates her and she hates him and the issue of spending time together never arises, so the question of inviting her for Christmas never arises either.

So I can understand how your relationship with your sister might be. But what I can't understand is why you started this thread. It's utterly pointless!

jeee, the OP is asking for reassurance that she's not being a bitch by not inviting her sister, that's all. They don't get on. Why, we don't know, but I think from the OP's tone that the sister has upset her hugely in the past.

Families are not all fairies and unicorns and sparkly magic dust, and can contain some truly difficult, selfish people (I've experienced a few: one is not allowed in my house).

The OP needs to be allowed to decide for herself without being called a bitch by people who have no idea what went on. She could retain the moral high ground by asking her sister and then, if the sister was foul, having a solid reason for never inviting her again. Or she could decide that a happy family Christmas with the people she wants there will just not happen if the sister is invited, and she's not going to risk a huge row over the turkey, or drunken ranting over the mince pies, or constant sniping, which will leave a bad taste and a bad feeling for weeks and months afterwards.

Christmas is known to be an exceptionally stressful time of the year, because it is traditionally a time when extended family get together.

Why are you asking strangers who don't know you or your family whether or not you are being unreasonable? That's for you to decide. Do you have other siblings? What about your parents? Will they be around at yours? Do you think she is deliberately nasty, or just can't help herself? Was she always like that? Would you take the same attitude if the reason for her being difficult were diagnosed as something so that you could understand her better - eg autistic spectrum, or personality disorder, or mental health issue? Or do you think you understand her well enough and she's just unpleasant? Or, regardless of whether or not you understand why she behaves the way she does, do you just want a break from her this year? Can you not have some kind of subtle rota system, where family members take it in turns to invite her?! If she's that awful, I can see why you wouldn't really want her round for Christmas every year, but surely you care for her enough that you would want to know she was somewhere and not entirely on her own? If she accepts invites, she must, surely, want some company at Christmas?

I understand OP. I had years of this with my sister, who is a really difficult, touchy, controlling and needy person. She's single - nothing wrong with that but she is massively bitter and resentful towards me that I have a family. Just the thought of her makes me want to die of guilt but OTOH having her around was so grim because of the eggshells I would have to tread on.

I used to invite her for Christmas because we had got into the habit, it was nice for her to have it with the kids etc, the kids liked having a visitor and so on. But god she made it so unbearable for me. After a few days I'd be literally trying to hide from her and crying on DP every night. Finally after one Christmas when I was pg (so her resentment was extra bad) I had to say no more.

I kind of had it out with her that I didn't like the way she treated me, that didn't go down well and we see much less of her now.

Yes you will get the "but she's your sister!" and sarcastic comments about family and Christmas etc. But Christmas isn't a happy time unless you make it so. It's often shit for people because they have difficult relatives who use the family duty aspect of it to give them carte blanche to bitchplop all over you.

Yes it's shit for her too, but you can't fix that. I'm convinced my sister wasn't having a nice time spending Christmas at mine, seething with resentment and with me struggling to converse with her.

My sister hasn't invited me since my marriage broke down. She also prior to that expected me to look after my mum on Christmas day for over 20 years. When I was first on my own for Christmas I suggested I might go away (mum in a care home by then and I wanted to check she was ok with my not being around) and her reply was "you might as well. It's not as if you've got anywhere else to go is it?"

I'm going to Amsterdam for Christmas.

You sound about as welcoming as my sister but I honestly don't think as I've never been invited I have form for ruining anything.

Another AIBU thread, started by someone who thinks they are not being unreasonable. Why ask on AIBU, if you have already made up your mind? People saying yes YABU and you reply with well I'm not going to tell you what she has done, but I am not being unreasonable. What is the point of starting the thread? If you don't want her to come, don't invite her, but have the courage to stand by your convictions. If you are going to feel guilty all Christmas day that you haven't invited her, you wont have a very good time anyway. If she does come and she is a cow, tell her to go home.

If she does come and she is a cow, tell her to go home.

Oh come on, if only it were that simple!

Xmas Eve, you say to arsey relative "Right we've decided you're being a cow, here's the door." That would be a million times worse than not inviting her surely! I think if you really can't get on, it's better to encourage the person to start sorting out their own Christmas and make other arrangements.

People who don't have difficult family members will never understand your dilemma. Yes it's only one day but it's Christmas Day! I would probably invite her out of guilt though must be lovely to have a close family.

I've told my sister that we are doing Christmas in our home this year. She has said that she doesn't want to be away from her home.

We had Christmas in her/our dad's home last year. It was horrible, not least because of her avoiding us all the time.

Therefore, I am holding firm and - to make a point - not repeating the conversation where I invite her to us. The invite was implicit in the conversation and she chose not to pick it up so I'm dammed if I'm issuing it again.

OP if you don't want her there then don't ask her. If she snipes about it then calmly explain why you didn't ask her. It'll probably make her flounce but it doesn't sound like that would make much difference to your relationship tbh.

Goodness me this place likes getting on its high horse doesn't it? Christmas is not a magical day that fixes all ill, just because there are presents, food and booze. In fact, if the latter is around, it tends to make things worse. I don't blame you OP, I can see why you've posted here, you feel guilty and want people to say it's OK - the fact is it's totally up to you. I had one Christamas where one of my siblings was being particularly difficult. They had fallen in with a party crowd, so were usually hung over (or coming down), couldn't ever hold a decent conversation with them, they snapped about everything and quite frankly obviously didn't enjoy being around family anyway. It was a horrible Christmas, full of tension - really wish I hadn't asked them to come just for the sake of 'family'. If you want to compromise with her or yourself, say that you are having a quiet Christmas (just you, husband and children), but invite her for Boxing day - that was you can enjoy the day itself but not have the 'guilt' of not asking her over. Only if you're up to it though.

I see your point there Bosky. I just think that the OP has made up her mind, but feels guilty about it and is asking for strangers to say 'yes, you're doing the right thing, don't invite her'.

Clearly there is a big backstory here, which you don't want to go into.

It also sounds like you have made your mind up.

On the face of it, yabu, but then we don't know the whole story

It's one bloody day.

YABU and unkind, but you obviously think you're not, so why ask??

IMO YANBU, if she really is as bad as you hint at here.

If it's just slightly annoying behaviour and being with family would help her then I would invite her and make it clear that all adults need To behave like adults and keep the peace for everyone.

I have similar rellies and I would prefer To spend every Christmas day alone rather than with them.

Why does she want to spend Christmas at yours if you don't get on?

Agree with MrsGently, sometimes AIBU is about saying "Can anyone reassure me it's OK to do this?" You know you will get YABUs too, but you're hoping that someone will know where you're coming from.

I think with this family duty issue there is a big divide - as PP's have said - between those for whom relatives can be a bit irritating, but basically you all love each other and blood is thicker than water - and those who have experienced really properly difficult family dynamics and have family members where the relationship really has broken down.

As a disclaimer I'm from one of the most dysfunctional families you could imagine and I waved good bye to "blood is thicker than water" when I was about 14, but I do think it's important to know that if you're really suffering from having to spend time with someone unpleasant, you don't have to – yes, even if they are a relative.