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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not invite my sister for Christmas, knowing she will spend it alone

151 replies

eedon · 28/09/2015 09:26

I want to just have Christmas just with my own family and people I want around. My sister unfortunately I don't get on well with an no one wants her around, just brings a bad atmosphere with her. Without sounding like a bitch, its probably her own fault that her marriage broke down and she has no friends to spend Christmas with. Her attitude and the way she treats people is exactly why.

Aibu to not invite her? She probably will have a few pity invites and mine would just be another.

OP posts:
Judydreamsofhorses · 28/09/2015 10:27

Just as balance, I spent three or four Christmas days on my own - my mum had recently remarried after my dad's death and went away with her husband, my sister was spending it with her husband's family - and it was really fine. I had a long lie, ate what I wanted (stocked up on lovely M&S food beforehand) and watched what I wanted on TV, then a few glasses of wine in the evening. I was invited to various friends' houses, but felt like it would be intrusive to go. Now I live with my DP and have Christmas with him and his family, but for me (I'm not religious) it was just like spending a Saturday on my own. I think it's polite to invite her, but she may be happy enough to have the day by herself or make other plans.

BoskyCat · 28/09/2015 10:28

Why does she want to spend Christmas at yours if you don't get on?

Well that's an interesting question and it applies to a huge number of miserable families every Christmas. I think it's partly the huge societal and commercial pressure to have a lovely family Christmas so people try to fake it. Also that difficult, needy people often especially hate to be rejected, so it's not about enjoying spend time together, it's about not hurting people's feelings by not inviting them or breaking with traditions.

Nancery · 28/09/2015 10:29

OP, I don't think you're being a bitch either. If you don't want to invite her, don't. She may feel the same way but if she doesn't it doesn't mean you're obligated to invite her. Just because you are related doesn't mean you have to spend time together.
My mum spent Christmas alone last year. Her choice, she did have several invites, she just fancied being on her own. Personally I think it sounds like bliss!

HeadDreamer · 28/09/2015 10:33

Well. I don't like my MIL. She will still be invited to christmas because she's alone. It's only once in a year that you have to invite her around, isn't it? It's what christmas is about.

FYI, we invite her around often because she's local and she's widowed. Sometimes, you do things for family. It's what families are for.

shovetheholly · 28/09/2015 10:33

Is there any way you can come up with a compromise by having your 'family' Christmas outside of the day itself?

We rotate Christmasses - one with PIL and BIL, one with DP and Dsis, one at home. When it isn't someone's 'turn' we do fake Christmas - so we will be turning up at PIL's house on 19th December for 'Christmas' before having a second one ourselves at home this year. The days will be EXACTLY like it was Christmas - so Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day will happen identically to if it were actually the 24th, 25th, 26th. Since none of us are religious, it is every bit as exciting and fun, and the only downside is the huge hangover that goes on for days and days in having two celebrations!

HeadDreamer · 28/09/2015 10:34

I mean, yes, you should invite her. But she doesn't have to accept it if she prefers to spend it on her own. It's a different thing if she rejected your invite.

HeadDreamer · 28/09/2015 10:37

And yes, I know what horrible family is like. My MIL is not just irritating. Just earlier this year, she yelled abusive insults to me and about my mum and dad. I wouldn't have her around if I think it's appropriate. She's only getting into my house because she's my MIL.

senua · 28/09/2015 10:39

As sang:

"Hallelujah! Noel! Be it heaven or hell
The Christmas you get, you deserve"

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 28/09/2015 10:46

HeadDreamer but this is the point - you dont have to put up with it because it's Xmas. What about your enjoyment of the day? I will assume you work hard all year, as most of us do, and this time of year is meant to be a rewarding, happy time after all that. I'm not sure if it's the same world-wide, or just British social expectations that make us invite people who stress us out, that we use the word 'family' to excuse having a misrable time. Some people enjoy being a bit of a matyr about the whole thing, I think. They are the same ones who will be crying on here on the day saying "sis is being a cow, my mother is letting the kids get away with murder, fil is pissed as a fart and making racist comments at the cat, no one is helping, next year I'm not inviting anyone!!".

MrsTedCrilly · 28/09/2015 10:46

Wow some harsh responses here.. Why should OP and her family have a shit day because of someone negative who she doesn't get on with? If she was just a bit annoying I would invite her, as you could try and ignore it. But someone who casts a black cloud over the day (as you make it sound) can stay away. Maybe best if you just go away for the day OP.. Wink

InternalMonologue · 28/09/2015 10:57

I think the "just one day" argument works both ways.

If you properly don't get on then what's the point in inviting her?

Hellocampers · 28/09/2015 11:00

Exactly op.

My older kids have left home now but are back with my lovely dils/gfs for Christmas dinner.

My younger ones and my parents all get along fine.

I know my sis will upset them and basically be as unpleasant and sneering as she can be.

So why would I invite her to spoil our precious time together?

Keep strong op. You know what's right for you.

middlings · 28/09/2015 11:06

It's the one topic I don't like to talk about on MN but just another one to add to your YANBU list. You're really not. Don't do it to yourself, don't do it to your children and don't do it to your DH/P. Those who are saying YABU are either martyrs, or have no experience.

Stay strong OP.

lostInTheWash · 28/09/2015 11:18

Don't invite her and then strop about it. Don't fail to invite her and handwring about it. Make the choice that you feel is best and be ok with that choice.

^^ This sums it up really. Pick a choice of action and get on with it.

Possibly compromise could be done as another choice.

We get Christmas to ourselves because I ignored all the heaped guilt but also because we did offer a compromise of another time of year and made it clear that was only option - long weekend which can get difficult and sometimes wish we didn't have the obligation.

I don't know a boxing day flying visits - could be one possibility or going to something over Christmas period with her - doing a play, meal out, concert, pantomime - limiting interaction time. It's a choice you could offer if you chose to.

Christmas is the only time we get to stop step of the tread mill and it be just us and we can suit ourselves what we do. Even the family holiday got taken over very sneakily- they go on many holidays this is our one and we still pay the same.

Don't ask for other people's opinions - they don't have your family and they won't be the one having to do Christmas with your sister or dealing with any fall out for what ever choice you make.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 28/09/2015 11:19

Yanbu

Siblings are just people you happen to share some genetics with. I don't speak to my sister at all, I certainly wouldn't spend Christmas with her. There's too many issues in the past and I'm much happier not dragging them all up again.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 28/09/2015 11:21

You reap what you sow. Why invite someone to a special occasion who will ruin it for the rest of you.

Ignore the hints, if there is an explicit request to join you, you can either say
a) Oh - I'm surprised you want to join us, you seemed to have such a terrible time last time..... ?
b) We're doing X. We're looking forward to it, the kids love charades and a TV free day with lots of long walks. What are you up ? But then be prepared to state (a) and follow on to make it clear that you expect her to be a ray of sunshine for the day...

lurkinginthenorth · 28/09/2015 11:24

You obviously don't want to invite her. You don't want to get into the ins and outs of why she is a bad person. So why bloody come on an AIBU thread to ask????

Waltermittythesequel · 28/09/2015 11:37

Honestly, there's very little point in posting an AIBU and then not giving people the information to answer you properly.

How is anyone to know whether you're being a horrible cow or not?

Just, what's the point in posting??

trulybadlydeeply · 28/09/2015 11:43

I'm confused, you say that if you don't invite her she will be on her own, but then that she will probably have a few pity invites (any of which she could accept).

OP it's your house and you can invite who you wish into it. Last year you didn't invite her, felt guilty, but had a fantastic time. What's different this year - why are you hesitating? What do your DP & DC say on the matter? Did they feel relieved last year that she wasn't there, or are they encouraging you to invite her?

MuminMama · 28/09/2015 12:08

I think it's fair enough to only post an abbreviated version on social media. IT would be much worse to spill too much. And as to Christmas, as on any other day, I think you get to invite whomever you like. And I don't think you sound like a bitch.

I imagine the point of the post was to get a sanity check on whether the course of action the OP is planning is reasonable. Like every other post on AIBU.

SaucyJack · 28/09/2015 13:28

"Why does she want to spend Christmas at yours if you don't get on?"

Where did the OP say her sister was unhappy with the relationship? Plenty of people are arseholes because they actively spreading misery, and the power it brings them.

Not everyone wants to play nicely. Best thing you can do OP is refuse to play her silly games. YANBU.

SaucyJack · 28/09/2015 13:28

*actively enjoy

Andylion · 28/09/2015 13:58

OP, do you you invite every other family member, do you have other siblings, are your parents alive? You said you didn't invite her last year; do you know how she spent the day? Does she live far from you?

parrotsummer · 28/09/2015 15:20

I hate pity invites. YANBU - if someone doesn't want to invite me I wouldn't want to be invited because 'it's Christmas.' Am generally alone and I don't mind. Other people do though!

Alanna1 · 28/09/2015 15:32

Gosh. I'd invite her. Maybe invite someone else too to help have a balance? christmas is about family.

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