To not want her to call DD this.

[Welshmaenad]

Dd is nine. She has cerebral palsy. She is mobile but wears a splint and has an obvious 'limp'. She manages very well but does get quite sensitive about her disability sometimes.

She attends an extracurricular activity once a week - not disability specific, a general one. It is volunteer run and please don't get me wrong, I bloody appreciate all their hard work and effort and think they're champions.

However this week when I picked her up one of the volunteers chivvied her by shouting 'come on Hopalong!'. It really really grated on me and I'm still stewing. It was said with fondness and dd does adore this volunteer so I don't feel it was meant to be cruel or hurtful but it's the kind of thing she takes to heart.

I need to know if I'm being over sensitive or if that really isn't in and I should have a quiet respectful word next week and ask her not to. I wouldn't go in all guns blazing, I dont want to sour relations or upset this person who didn't mean to be upsetting and would likely be mortified.

things like this tend to snowball if not challenged - once becomes every week, the other children will hear it and copy, thinking it is OK beause they have heard an adult do it.

OP, you must set them straight on this assuming they are not already reading this thread

Actually gobsmacked that your DD was called this

That's the thing - this volunteer isn't an awful person. They've done something crass and unacceptable that has bothered me, but it's a mistake. I really appreciate the strength of everyone's feeling and empathy for my dd and the overwhelming 'YANBU' - and I understand the anger from disabled adults and parents of disabled children. I was initially angry which is why I didn't immediately challenge her, because I wanted to think about the best approach. I'm still considering saying something discreetly and am weighing up everyone's suggestions for how to go about this in the most positive way. But based on my overall experiences of this person I do think they make a fab contribution to the activity and should continue - just with a bit of guidance on the propriety of the language they choose.

I think the risk you'd run if you went in all guns blazing is the that the volunteer could be quite confused as to what she'd done that was so wrong. She'd then become hypersensitive about your DD's disability in the future and feel afraid to mention it for fear of inadvertently saying something wrong, and you could end up damaging the nice relationship she has with your DD. And your DD could feel embarrased, or confused by an incident that from what you say didn't upset her at the time.

You mentioned that possible the volunteer wasn't aware what your DD's disability was. Maybe a better way to prevent future problems could be to ask for a chance to speak to all the volunteers at the club sometime to explain your DD's disability and needs? I've volunteered at a children's club in the past and have found it much easier to work with kids with physical or learning disabilities if their parents are open about them and have told us what they need to help them join in, or how they might be sensitive about references to it.

Personally, I think I'd approach it with the people running it and ask for the volunteers to be trained so that they don't use nicknames for the children, particularly if they reflect anything physical or related to their disability.
I think this is a basic form of respect towards the children they deal with.

I'm one of the angry disabled people who weighed in earlier :)

I think it's ok to be very angry about this but also deal with it in a way that gets the best result (vs the screaming rage that may well be bubbling on inside!).

There are ways of making sure people don't behave in horrible ways in a gentle way - without minimising or apologising for it, or softening so much it sounds like a pernickety personal whim that people don't use disablist nick names!

You could deal with her directly and say that you were a bit taken aback to hear the nick name, and ask her why / how did that come about? Then if she thinks the injury is temporary you can correct her, and if she does think it's ok to name someone by their disability, she may well have second thoughts when she had to articulate that! And I'd finish by explaining that dd really likes her and she would be very upset if that relationship was broken, but can she ensure she doesn't use this type of nickname again as it undermines the work you've done with dd on how she's more than her disability, and that naming her by her disability even in an affectionate way, reinforces the idea that a disabled person is merely their disability.

I wouldn't be softening it so that it seems just you being overly politically correct, or just some minor point or unimportant irrevelancy. I don't like that sort of politeness as it relies on the other person understanding that this is politeness and it is actually a significant point. And many people won't recognise that social code or have other reasons for wishing to take the downplaying as the literal truth. Much easier to be understood and get the outcome you want by being polite yet honest about the impact of what you are saying, but in a non confrontation manner.

i would be furious and would have pulled the person up there and then.
there is no excuse for shite like that and if the person is nice, she would rather be told.

What are you going to do welshmead ?I still think its ok to say something the wiser mumsnetters pointed out that your dd might not be bothered but you are dont brush it off. Can you imagine the uproar if the volunteer had said hurry up ginge or specky to a child

Btw im quite a cheery disabled person

Have a quiet word. If it happens again after that feel free to lose your shit.

My DN has CP and has a splint. My SIL/DB would be gutted if they heard similar, as would I.

Still mulling! She's not going to be there until the Halloween party apparently and I'm considering maybe speaking to the lead volunteer whilst she's not there.

I think talking to the lead volunteer would be a good move.

FWIW, I've acquired a disability and a visibly 'different' arm. I need to wear large splints for running and cycling in order to participate. I can just about cope with being asked over and over what I've done to myself, but anyone but dh making 'jokes' about my scars or when I do something really awkwardly is awful, and makes me feel massively self conscious.

I work with disabled young people, comments like this are dispicable. I'm glad you're going to address this, I'm on your daughters behalf.

Feels even more grumpy that I look grumpy compared to the non grumpy MrsJayy

Btw never look up 'angry' and 'disabled' on Google (copy & paste error I'll never be repeating!). Apparently it's funny to watch people in wheelchairs losing their tempers. Loverly

My nephew has cp and he's just about to get on his feet and I would come down on anyone who said that like a tonne of bricks.

Totally inappropriate. Likely naive ignorance but call it out all the same.

I'm raging on your behalf OP

Just wanted to come back and update this.

I spoke to the volunteer today. They were signing the kids in so I asked them to pop outside for a quiet word.

As suggested by a few, this person did not actually realise dd has cp - they aren't there every week and her previous splint was dark and wasn't as noticeable as her new one, which is bright yellow! They thought it was a temporary injury.

They were horrified and mortified and so apologetic. It transpires they have a child with a (different) disability themselves and they instantly understood where I was coming from. They acknowledged that even for a temporary disability it wasn't the most appropriate nickname, explaining that as it has been a party type evening at the activity they were in high spirits and messing around with the kids and it just 'popped out'.

What impressed me was that their primary concern was whether dd had been upset or affected and they asked me how I would like them to handle it, whether I thought it was appropriate for them to apologise to dd or whether I'd rather it left there. As dd wasn't struck on me talking to them we agreed it wouldn't be mentioned.

I'm glad I decided to talk to them and clear things up, I'm reassured by their reaction and confident that was a combination of misunderstanding and a moment of poor judgement, we actually had a good chat and parted with a hug!

Thanks again for the support, suggestions and empathy, you're a marvellous bunch.

I haven't read all the thread but there is an early post saying don't do anything if it doesn't bother your daughter. It's an awful thing to say, and, for the reason below should be challenged even if it doesn't bother your daughter.

if not challenged - once becomes every week, the other children will hear it and copy, thinking it is OK beause they have heard an adult do it.

That's great to hear Welshmaenad, what a good outcome x

She sounds like a lovely person. Well done for handling it so diplomatically.

They're really lovely, I'm pleased we sorted it out.

Great outcome and a lesson in not burning bridges

Read the whole thread and so
Pleased it's been sorted op.

Good outcome for everyone x

Your update about the outcome has moved me to tears. Well done for dealing with it so successfully. You sound like a lovely Mum