To not want her to call DD this.

[Welshmaenad]

Dd is nine. She has cerebral palsy. She is mobile but wears a splint and has an obvious 'limp'. She manages very well but does get quite sensitive about her disability sometimes.

She attends an extracurricular activity once a week - not disability specific, a general one. It is volunteer run and please don't get me wrong, I bloody appreciate all their hard work and effort and think they're champions.

However this week when I picked her up one of the volunteers chivvied her by shouting 'come on Hopalong!'. It really really grated on me and I'm still stewing. It was said with fondness and dd does adore this volunteer so I don't feel it was meant to be cruel or hurtful but it's the kind of thing she takes to heart.

I need to know if I'm being over sensitive or if that really isn't in and I should have a quiet respectful word next week and ask her not to. I wouldn't go in all guns blazing, I dont want to sour relations or upset this person who didn't mean to be upsetting and would likely be mortified.

Does it bother the bairn?

Sounds like the right plan of action OP!

YANBU at all; and I am entirely confident that you will be able to sort this out. There's empathy flowing out of your posts in every direction. Good luck.

I volunteer at a youth group but its not an excuse for me to be rude to the girls in my care. Speak to the volunteer regardless of what your daughter says please its not fair on your DD or any of the other children who will think it's OK. If a parent pulled me up on something I'd be mortified but grateful.

It is not on.

Do have a quiet respectful word next week and ask her not to.

YANBU

I think your DH is right that you should speak to your dd to find out how it makes her feel before you do anything.

It's possible that she doesn't mind it and it's an affectionate nickname that your dd takes in the way it was intended. It could be more awkward for her if she's accepted it in the lighthearted way it was meant, but then you imply that she shouldn't be accepting of it. Your dd will be changing as she gets older, and while her disability may upset her, it doesn't automatically follow that she will be upset by this. Be careful that you don't project your feelings about it on to her.

Obviously, it could also be that your dd is hurt and offended by it and does need you to help her deal with it, but I think it's worth asking her and acknowledging that there are two sides to it, because nicknames can often be a nice thing that help people feel bonded and part of a group.

I'd have a quiet word with the leader and say that you appreciate it's meant affectionately but DD has a habit of taking things to heart so would she please not say it again. I'm disabled and get teased about it loads by my friends but I've only been disabled since my late twenties and I'm pretty thick skinned anyway, and everyone knows I can take it. 9 is way too young to have to laugh about your disability. Also, she's likely to get more self conscious about it as she gets into teenage years as teenage girls get more self conscious about everything I think.

Oh, wow, no that's not appropriate!

Hopefully, she said it completely without thinking & regretted it the moment she heard herself speak.

Realistically, I'd probably leave it this once but have a strong conversation if it happened again.

Quiet word should sort this, I think. Volunteer will be slightly mortified probably but it will stop and everyone will move on.

That is the kind of thing dh calls me but he is doing it in a way that is affectionate and appropriate for our relationship. The same doesn't apply with your dd, you are perfectly reasonable in asking them not to do it.

I have a friend with cp and hopalong is her nickname, it stems from being young and a term of affection from a worker at a school (sn) she was at. But this is something she chose to go along with at an older age than your Dc and stems from a time less PC than now. Not sure what my point is really, I guess it all depends on how it makes your Dec feel?

My dd has CP, also mobile, slight limp, slurred speech and movement disorder. I'd go bloody nuts if I heard that, and she would really be upset.

It's not appropriate, but I wouldn't go in all guns blazing, but I'd def be having a quiet word.

My daughter is very up and down with depression and coming to terms with having a disability. I can completely relate to you there. She's 12 now, and still up and down. It's more than enough to deal with without having to deal with some idiot highlighting the one thing that you so desperately don't want to be highlighted. Tweens and teens are desperately self concious as it is. She spends a lot of time trying to fit in, not to dribble, or have her shaking hands identified. So I do think this person is clearly needing to be educated on the fact they need to call her by her name, and nothing else!!!

X

I can't believe you didn't ask her immediately what she had just called your DD

Perhaps you're not blessed with a brilliant imagination?

I would just have that quiet word with the volunteer or her supervisor and deal with it for your DD, just as you first suggested. I think that's spot on.
I wouldn't ask DD how much it upsets her or whether she minds. Just take that one extra stress away from her if you can. Hope it is resolved quickly and easily for you all x

Even if it doesn't bother her- if it's an in joke with the volunteer- it's certainly not something you want the other kids to hear and think OK.

Yes, that's the other thing, I wouldn't chat with dd about it, mine would get all stressed and worried about me saying something! So I'd just go and see the volunteer and discuss it with them without her knowledge x

I'd have decked her.

Do you want me to deck her??

She might be a volunteer but that excuses nothing. This is absolutely disgraceful. I am speechless that she could have been so crass. Your poor DD! She is lucky to have a Mum like you to stick up for her.

I'm sure she didnt mean it in an offensive way, but its just not on at all. Yes, have a quiet word with her and just say that DD takes such things to heart.

Well I would ask your DD first.
You need to weigh up whether it is worth potentially souring the relationship or even the volunteer thinking 'stuff it' and quitting

Devils advocate here- do you think she might be trying to be more "open" about your dd's disability?

Acknowledging the disability, showing that's it's ok to talk about it, it's not shameful or something to be hidden or pretend doesn't exist...

I'd have a chat with your dd. Get how she feels about it. It is her disability, she might prefer to "own" it and be in on the jokes, than feel she can't mention it, or its so awful it must only be talked about seriously.

Then you can talk to the volunteer if necessary.

I,'d have held her arms for King Joffrey to deck her.

If she was black would it be appropriate to call her Sambo or Picanninny or something equally crass because it was "affectionate"? Absolutely not on. She should be put straight on this in no uncertain terms. Hell she should be bloody apologising.

And I say this as a disabled woman who spent too many childhood nights crying myself to sleep over this sort of stupid thoughtless cruelty.