To not want her to call DD this.

[Welshmaenad]

Dd is nine. She has cerebral palsy. She is mobile but wears a splint and has an obvious 'limp'. She manages very well but does get quite sensitive about her disability sometimes.

She attends an extracurricular activity once a week - not disability specific, a general one. It is volunteer run and please don't get me wrong, I bloody appreciate all their hard work and effort and think they're champions.

However this week when I picked her up one of the volunteers chivvied her by shouting 'come on Hopalong!'. It really really grated on me and I'm still stewing. It was said with fondness and dd does adore this volunteer so I don't feel it was meant to be cruel or hurtful but it's the kind of thing she takes to heart.

I need to know if I'm being over sensitive or if that really isn't in and I should have a quiet respectful word next week and ask her not to. I wouldn't go in all guns blazing, I dont want to sour relations or upset this person who didn't mean to be upsetting and would likely be mortified.

Joffrey you sound like a fantastic wingwoman. I'll pass this time but hold your offer in reserve for the future if that's ok?

I am with the posters who say your first reaction is the best. Quiet, non-shaming word with the volunteer without bringing it to your DD's attention.

Yes, it is her disability. Yes, it is her relationship with the volunteer, and it is likely affectionately meant. BUT she is 9 years old. It's hard enough to know how to react to something inappropriate that makes you feel uncomfortable when you know the person means well when you're an adult. When you're just 9, it's even harder. Take that decision-making stress off her.

If she was a teenager I would say you need to discuss and let her manage her own relationships. But at 9 years old, you're her mother and know her best. You know she is up and down with her acceptance of her condition. The volunteer needs to know this too, and needs to find another affectionate nickname to use.

A conversation something along the lines of "I'm sorry to bring this up, because I know you mean it in a nice way, and my DD loves you, but when I heard you call her "Hopalong" last week I just couldn't help flinching, because although I know DD would never tell you she didn't like it, she does take these things to heart. Sometimes she's really horribly upset by her CP, and she comes and cries to us at night about being different to everyone else. I KNOW you meant it nicely, I could hear that, but I still needed to tell you to please not call her that again. I hope you understand."

Joffrey you sound like a fantastic wingwoman.

It's all talk. I've never hit anyone.

But adults bullying kids sickens me.

Very inappropriate, but my instincts do tell me although they're, not infallible, that. He/she is not doing it maliciously.

Nosquirrels probably has the right way to deal with it.

Everyone saying it is just affectionate - would you like an affectionate nickname about something that makes your life difficult and upsets you? Surely nobody would. No child would.

I think many posters are giving this horrid woman far too much benefit of the doubt. Would you be happy with her calling your child with acne Spotty? Or your gentle unmacho son Poofter?

As ever, disabled people are supposed to give the nasty people the benefit of the doubt and suck it up. Every. Single. Time.

I'm actually raging here on your daughter's behalf.

Raging too, an adult working with children should know better. I would be having a word about her maybe engaging her brain before she uses terms like that to wee ones. Grrr!

I'd say something,I'm disabled and 2 of our 5DC are disabled.If someone said something like that to either of my children or to me myself I wouldn't be happy and OP I completely get where your little girl is coming from when she gets so upset about being disabled I have days,sometimes weeks where I feel exactly the same,our DS14 also says the same thing sometimes as well.

It's a realy awful way to feel but to know your child feels that way is so much worse.

OP, you sound very sensible. Yes, this needs to be stopped with immediate effect, but it sounds as if a gentle approach is entirely appropriate, at least in the first instance.

That is absolutely not on. Certainly have a word. You could say something like you don't want the other children copying and calling your DD this. I think this person would probably realise this once you had brought it up.

I always thought "come on, hop along" is just another way of saying "come on, come with us" or "come on let's all go". I hope I haven't inadvertently insulted a lot of people, never realised it is a derogatory term.

Dh isn't happy either and has suggested I raise it quietly with her when we have time to chat, find out if it happens often and how it makes her feel, and what she would like me to do. I may try to empower her to tell the volunteer herself to 'please don't call me that, it makes me upset', if she would prefer that to me speaking to them.

See I agree with your DH but (because kids do love to throw a curve ball), it's quite possible your DD might say she's fine with it...because (only from this woman) she finds it affectionate/funny.

But yes, you should definitely speak to her, even if you bring it up in a casual sort of way. By bringing it up casually, you won't accidentally give her the impression that it's not ok for her to be ok with it, if that makes sense?

It is completely inappropriate and I actually think that regardless of what your DD says about it, she should stop using the term.
By continuing to use it, she models to the other children that it is acceptable to call other people names based on their disability.
She has a name, she should use it.

I half wondered if she maybe didn't realise dd is disabled as opposed to having a temporary injury (a lot of people mistake her knee high splint for a type of brace and ask "ooooh, what have you done to yourself?") but then she mentioned being there at last year's Halloween party so that doesn't make sense. She's only there some of the time not every week.

Yanbu

What's more, it's your duty as her mum to fight this battle for her.

See as a kid I would've put my hard face on, shrugged and said I wasn't bothered. Anything rather than draw attention, make a fuss. Don't be misled if your DD plays it like this OP, because it really is totally unacceptable.

Ahh that makes sense then...maybe she doesn't realise your DD is disabled.

In that case, it might be better to skip your DD and just go straight for a gentle chat with the woman.

I have CP and I'd be pissed off if someone said that to me, you need to have words.

See as a kid I would've put my hard face on, shrugged and said I wasn't bothered.

Yes, Tinkly, this is what would worry me. Do have a word, OP. Even if you bring it up casually with your DD at another point in time to get her thoughts, I'd still err on the side of dealing with it myself for a nine-year-old.

I would use the term 'hop along' to mean 'come along' - are you sure she meant it as a nickname, rather than a gentle chivvying to get a move on, with no reference meant to the disability?

"I always thought "come on, hop along" is just another way of saying "come on, come with us" or "come on let's all go".

If I wasn't the trying to be super tolerant I would call bollocks on this. But I am, so I won't.

OP that is so unacceptable.

dc3 has a mild disability and if I heard someone using an equivalent nickname towards him I would be livid.

NoSquirrels form of words is really good. I'd say that.

Definitely talk to the leader. If she wants a nice affectionate nick name for your dd I'm sure "Lucy Loo"* or "Katie potatie" would work just as well.

• Assuming your dd is called Lucy or Katie.