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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want her to call DD this.

159 replies

Welshmaenad · 25/09/2015 20:20

Dd is nine. She has cerebral palsy. She is mobile but wears a splint and has an obvious 'limp'. She manages very well but does get quite sensitive about her disability sometimes.

She attends an extracurricular activity once a week - not disability specific, a general one. It is volunteer run and please don't get me wrong, I bloody appreciate all their hard work and effort and think they're champions.

However this week when I picked her up one of the volunteers chivvied her by shouting 'come on Hopalong!'. It really really grated on me and I'm still stewing. It was said with fondness and dd does adore this volunteer so I don't feel it was meant to be cruel or hurtful but it's the kind of thing she takes to heart.

I need to know if I'm being over sensitive or if that really isn't in and I should have a quiet respectful word next week and ask her not to. I wouldn't go in all guns blazing, I dont want to sour relations or upset this person who didn't mean to be upsetting and would likely be mortified.

OP posts:
Original poster
Welshmaenad · 26/09/2015 12:08

She's genuinely quite terrific, I'm very lucky.

She got very upset when we were in Disneyland in March as she went off to the loo in a restaurant by herself and a woman shouted at her for trying to go in the disabled cubicle and physically barred her from going in (she sometimes needs the bar to steady herself/help her get up if she's tired). Sadly I was unable to find the woman when she reported back or I'd have gone crazy-ass-Joffrey on her and possibly knocked her out. She brought the incident up when we were talking just now, this is what I mean about her stewing on things!

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 26/09/2015 12:17

Och that sounds tough she is going to come up with stuff like that sadly it is not fair lots of non disabled kids stew though least you can talk things over when you find out.

anothernumberone · 26/09/2015 12:17

Wow she is a total star you ought to be so proud.

MakStout · 26/09/2015 12:31

My 6yo DS is growing non cancerous tumours in his neck, which are not visible on the outside yet (he has neurofibromatosis type 1)

If anyone calls him "Lumpy" ill have their fucking life. You have been very measured in your response to this. Id have left her in tears. Then called her something personal like Big Nose or Curly or Gobshite for the rest of eternity.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 26/09/2015 12:47

You've been much more hands off than I would have been.

She is an ignorant tw@t and needs to be put right. It's amazing how people say 'oooh I don't know what to say to disabled people I'd be afraid of saying something wrong' as an excuse to leave people with disabilities isolated or not included, and yet it does not take a genius to work out that deciding to name someone by their disability would be a foul thing to do. Especially as, if some named them by their flaw or difference, theyd be the first to whine about it.

Bah humbug, signed a disabled adult

NoArmaniNoPunani · 26/09/2015 16:35

Sorry to upset you Armani. Dd has right hemiplegia. I'd never connected her sensitive nature to her disability, but she is a very emotional little girl.

It's not you, it's my pregnancy hormones! You might find the hemihelp FB page useful for support. I'm one of the adult members on there. I often think the hidden effects of hemiplegia are harder to navigate than the obvious physical effects.

allnewredfairy · 26/09/2015 16:59

To link a nickname to a child's disability is at best insensitive. YANBU and I would definitely have a friendly word with the volunteer.

Brioche201 · 26/09/2015 17:30

You know what I would do? I would mention this to the leader and suggest she have a general word with everyone about calling people by their names, and how nick names can be unintentionally hurtful.
Then the volunteer still gets the message but in a way that is less likely to make her bat home and quit, and also if she meant it in the ' hop along (run along)' way, it won't be so awkward!

AlwaysOutnumberdNeverOutgunned · 26/09/2015 18:01

OP this sort of thing really gives me the rage, maybe time to start writing up a list of statements that can be used (by you or your DD) to deal with other people's chump tendencies when they arise (and they will, again and again and again...).

I find it hard to keep my cool with this stupidity as an adult, hate to think how it affects a growing child's self-esteem. I find having a go to list of responses has helped me massively in dealing with the utter horror of Joe Ignoramus Public on a daily basis. The list helps diffuse potential situations and keeps boundaries in place. After all most of these people won't ever meet you again but the hurtful stuff stays with you regardless so controlling it is essential for sanity. So to start you off;

the classic catch all - "sorry what did you say?" closely followed by "that's not very nice is it?"

follow on can be streamlined if you can react quick enough eg "my mum says namecalling is not nice" or "we are not allowed to call people names in my house" etc etc

I try to use a cheery "hello" and big smile for staring. Proper gimlet eyed gimps sometimes get an equally cheery "are you alright? You look a bit lost ..." - this is more to stop me kicking them on the way past for goldfish gawping my perfectly wonderful child as much as to snap them out of their inconsiderate dwam.

I've got loads, when a new difficulty arises I talk it out with friends and try to come up with a response for next time so I don't get blind-sided too often.

I also make a point of telling dc that everyone has something, and if they don't now they will do at some point in the future - some people wear glasses, some use a wheelchair, some get tired easily or have trouble working stuff out - regardless everyone has something to deal with at some point - it is what makes people unique.

AlwaysOutnumberdNeverOutgunned · 26/09/2015 18:02

sorry, long post!

LisbethSalandersLaptop · 26/09/2015 18:04

'hopalong' really? if she had glasses she could be called 'four eyes' or if she had acne would she be 'spotty'?

Absolutely NOT ON!!

I feel rage on your dd's behalf.

AlwaysOutnumberdNeverOutgunned · 26/09/2015 18:13

Not sure how the disabled loo incident could have been handled apart from maybe your dd could actually ask someone else for help, I know we are supposed to teach kids to not approach strangers but if someone else was passing and dd said "excuse me could you help me please?" then explained why, the bastardbully stopping her going into the loo would have vanished. Chances are there was no-one else about given the level of aggression involved in physically stopping someone going into a loo like that, wish I'd been there...

Should we be teaching our dc to scream "help get off me don't touch me" as if being kidnapped when confronted by this kind of nonsense?

ConfusedInBath · 26/09/2015 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 26/09/2015 18:30

could this volunteer be unaware of your DD having CP?

With a splint on her leg?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 26/09/2015 18:49

Would it be such a disaster if this friendly volunteer saw her arse and resigned if challenged? People like her really shouldn't be working with children.

Interesting that the people on the thread really angry about this are the disabled people and the parents of disabled children. Lots of posters are seem sadly all to ready to minimise this kind of nasty behaviour.

LisbethSalandersLaptop · 26/09/2015 18:50

I would be kicking ass if this were my child.

ConfusedInBath · 26/09/2015 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LisbethSalandersLaptop · 26/09/2015 18:53

Why are people suggesting that OP have a 'friendly' word with this volunteer.
I would be so fucking UNfriendly in my 'words' that this inadequate biatch would never return.

Topaz25 · 26/09/2015 19:17

Completely inappropriate for someone volunteering with children to call them names because of their disability. YWNBU to complain and ask them to stop it. Even if don't know it affects your DD, they shouldn't do it as a matter of course as children react differently and some are still upset even if they don't immediately show it.

Topaz25 · 26/09/2015 19:21

And I wouldn't be friendly about it. I wouldn't be abusive or anything but I would bluntly say it's wrong, it must be against the disability policy of the organisation and it needs to stop now. I wouldn't be that concerned about the volunteer's feelings, she wasn't concerned about your DD's feelings. If the volunteer feels mortified then she might think twice about insulting another child.

Passmethecrisps · 26/09/2015 19:31

I said what I would say as genuinely that is how I would approach it. I am a shocking confrontation avoider so I know it isn't the bravest move. It was not suggested as the right way to do it - merely how I would do iT

Iwasbornin1993 · 26/09/2015 19:32

I would be absolutely furious if I were you, OP. This is so far from being acceptable.

Shelby2010 · 26/09/2015 19:39

I think you should have a word with the woman next time you see her. Your DD might have been ok with it this time and from her, but if the woman says it again in the hearing of the other kids in the group it might end up with one of them repeating it to DD with less affection & more upset.

Saying you don't want it to stick as a nickname from the other children in the group might be an easier way for you to raise the issue if you feel uncomfortable with confrontation.

RoganJosh · 26/09/2015 19:49

If you do later decide to say something, you could tell them it isn't a temporary injury and therefore the nickname is hurtful rather than a bit of fun. It might be a way of sparing their feelings a bit and keeping the relationship easy.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 26/09/2015 20:06

I might be wrong - please tell me this is not guiding? They jolly well ought to know better if it is. And of course volunteers would know a childs medical history/problems, they may need to in order to safely include her/adapt some of the activities.

This is akin to teachers in the 60s calling black kids 'chocolate drop' as a term of endearment!

I agree with pp who said that if this was a jokey name for a child with a temporary leg in plaster or something, that is a different matter entirely.