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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How much help do you give your DH before you go away?

117 replies

IsabellaofFrance · 25/09/2015 10:01

I am going away Fri-Mon in a few weeks.

I am a SAHM and before DH goes away he checks that we are alive and that is about it, but before I go away I make sure he has enough of everything he will need, batch cook and bake, write him a list of all the places and times the children need to be somewhere, organise presents id they have parties.

In the back of my head I think that maybe this time I should leave it, and let him sort things out himself, like he does for me. But then I think all that will happen is nothing. The children will eat crap that he can find, the children wont get anywhere (DD has a party and a Rainbows trip and DS1 has a football match). I am not guessing, I know this will happen as he is beyond laid back about stuff like this. The kids like it for a day or so then they realise what they have missed and get grumpy.

I should add that he works away alot, long hours too and we have a DS who is autistic and hates trips to the supermarket etc.

OP posts:

LadySheherazade · 25/09/2015 10:12

Nothing.

I regularly go away with work for a couple of nights. I never do anything other than maybe arrange a time for me to FaceTime with the kids.

He knows where the fridge and freezer is, he knows where the clothes are. I would tear him a new one if he didn't take the kids to pre-arranged things because he couldn't be arsed though.

It's a bit different for me as DH is a SAHD but if the tables were turned I wouldn't expect him to prepare anything for me.

UncertainSmile · 25/09/2015 10:13

I never understand this batch cook thing. What kind of man-child can't cook for himself?

Original poster

IsabellaofFrance · 25/09/2015 10:14

He can cook, but maybe wouldn't cook things that the DC's would want to eat. I do batch cook and bake quite a bit anyway so it isnt a massive break from the norm.

OP posts:

Pootles2010 · 25/09/2015 10:17

I'd write him a list of what's happening ie parties, yes, and as you mention DS doesn't do supermarkets I'd probably make sure there was enough food in.

But no way would I batch cook/bake! That's ridiculous.

Scobberlotcher · 25/09/2015 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seaweed123 · 25/09/2015 10:21

Hmm... I wouldn't do anything special, beyond what I would have normally done in advance in terms of shopping/meal planning anyway. But we do share everything pretty 50/50 at the moment. If I were a SAHM, I imagine there would be things that would be my "job" that I couldn't reasonably expect him to magically be aware of if he isn't normally around for them. So I likely would leave a list of events for kids.

Skiptonlass · 25/09/2015 10:23

A list of things the kids have planned. Or leave that on a family calendar/planner type thing. Always good to have everything down in one place.

But batch baking? Nope.

He isn't laid back - he's lazy. probably hopes that if he does everything badly enough you'll not ask him to do it again. I find men like this rather pathetic, tbh.

Andro · 25/09/2015 10:24

I make sure there's plenty of bread made - dh is more than capable of buying some but we all prefer home made, bread is one of the few things he is terrible at making.

Other than that I hand him a copy of my flight and hotel details, with the time difference written on it...he doesn't need me to manage him.

PavlovaPalaver · 25/09/2015 10:24

I go away for a long weekend with my friends every year. Before I go, I make sure that all the kids clothes are washed, ironed & in their drawers and I also write a schedule so that DH doesn't forget where the kids are supposed to be. If there is a party, I would already have a present & card bought, but I wouldn't wrap it. I wouldn't do any cooking for them, but usually make sure there are enough groceries in the house for a couple of days.

He has never gone away on any boys weekends, but I wouldn't expect him to do the same for me....mostly because he works FT, I work PT and I organise all the laundry & kids activities anyway. I really only do what I would have been doing if I had been at home so I don't feel like I am doing any extra.

Every1KnowsJeffHesUsuallyACunt · 25/09/2015 10:25

None.

He's a big boy.

I might leave a list of chores and/or the dc activities day to day ie pe for x on this day but that would be all.

Artandco · 25/09/2015 10:29

Nothing. All kids related events are in a joint diary anyway so he can see what's coming up or needs doing

He feeds them regular food

We both do go away a lot though usually with work so have been the Same since kids were born

PuntasticUsername · 25/09/2015 10:31

I tell him of any appts etc I know about that he doesn't (mostly, it's written on the kitchen calendar anyway) and remind him what there is to eat in the house. Will suggest meals he could make if he asks, but have been making a concerted effort lately to avoid trying to manage what he does when I'm not there - it's taken me ages to realise that that's not actually my responsibility! And he's adjusted fine - he's a good man who has no problem with the idea of looking after his own children and house. It was all my own feelings that I was BU for ever going away, that led me to bend over backwards to still try and do everything even in my absence. Liberation has been wonderful

Fooshufflewickbannanapants · 25/09/2015 10:32

I remind him to look at the calender then ....nope that's it he's a grown man we have 6 kids they are all alive when I get back,sometimes they've had freezer teas instead of my lovely home cooked meals *clutches pearls.
Seriously your DH is bloody lazy and you're a fool for enabling it.

CMOTDibbler · 25/09/2015 10:34

I travel for work quite a bit. I don't do anything extra to prepare for when I'm away (well, maybe make sure the washing is a bit more up to date if I'm away for a whole week).
DH is perfectly capable of managing his and ds's lives, and sorting out any issues when I'm away, and I'd think very little of a man who couldn't look after his own children for a weekend.

Sighing · 25/09/2015 10:42

As a SAHM I do prepare the things I can, write a list of things to remember. I don't cook because DH is a confident cook, but I will gather together library books to return for eg.
I was always expected at work to leave useful info for my team etc. I consider it courtesy to put my input in for a smooth experience all round.

ohidoliketobe · 25/09/2015 10:49

At most I let him know if there's anything in the fridge that I know needs to be used up as a meal suggestion.

He's an adult with a professional job and knows as much as I do about DS's routine and how things in our house works. He's more than capable if making a few meals (order takeaway/ go to his mum's house. ..).
Yes fair enough making sure there's essentials in to save a supermarket trip if DS doesn't cope well with them (and who does enjoy the supermarket at the weekend!) But full itineraries, no way.
I wouldn't have married someone who needed micromanaging as I'm fairly independent myself and it wouldn't have worked out.

NotYouNaanBread · 25/09/2015 10:54

I let him know roughly when I'll be back. He's an adult, so I'm lucky that way.

BertieBotts · 25/09/2015 10:54

I would do nothing. If he cooks stuff the DC don't like, I'm sure they'll tell him!

BertieBotts · 25/09/2015 10:58

Okay, having read your post fully: I would inform him about the party and match etc if he's not aware and mention whether a present has been bought or whatever. But if he does miss it I would let him deal with the kids being fed up.

I would probably make sure there is enough food in to negate the need to go to the supermarket, because it's horrible being on your own, not being able to leave the DC and realising that you need something. So I'd cover that, that seems fair.

But itineraries and how will this work and meal planning - nah.

reallybadidea · 25/09/2015 11:00

It's more the other way round tbh. DH does most of the running around to clubs, cooking etc during the week as I am rarely home before 7pm, often later.

Nowadays the kids know to organise me if he's away I am perfectly capable of cooking for us all though. If your dh isn't really bothered about the kids while you're away, you've got bigger problems IMO.

diddl · 25/09/2015 11:00

Fri-Mon?

Jeez, I thought that you must be off for a month or something!

So he's usually there at a weekend so knows what goes on.

So it's only a couple of days really!

I might get the shopping in & leave a list of meal that the kids want & I list of who is going where.

But he's their dad, he should care enough to know/find out this stuff.

Are you really saying that he wouldn't cook them stuff they like or take them to stuff that they have already committed to?

If so then he really is a shit dad.

Theycallmemellowjello · 25/09/2015 11:01

I would never think of batch cooking or doing any kind of preparation if I was going away, nor would I expect him to do so for me. But we both work, so maybe that makes a difference.

Boobz · 25/09/2015 11:01

He will surprise you.

I was the same as you. And then I got cancer and am now weekly commuting from Rome to London for chemotherapy. He has totally got it together and now knows more than I do what is going on with the kids and fridge and so on! He will get it if you just leave him to it - men are underestimated a lot and when left to it, can more than cope.

Seriouslyffs · 25/09/2015 11:02

Do you really think he'd not take them to training and parties if you only left the details?

Spartans · 25/09/2015 11:02

I always make sure the all the washing is done an that's it. Unless dd has a competition and I then go through the schedule (both me and dd do the same hobby so I usually sort it as I usually help out at comps and he stays with ds).

Washing and sorting clothes is my job. Dh does all the cooking so if he is going away he leaves lots of meals.

I don't see anything wrong with making things easier for eachother. But that only works if both are doing it.

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