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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much help do you give your DH before you go away?

117 replies

IsabellaofFrance · 25/09/2015 10:01

I am going away Fri-Mon in a few weeks.

I am a SAHM and before DH goes away he checks that we are alive and that is about it, but before I go away I make sure he has enough of everything he will need, batch cook and bake, write him a list of all the places and times the children need to be somewhere, organise presents id they have parties.

In the back of my head I think that maybe this time I should leave it, and let him sort things out himself, like he does for me. But then I think all that will happen is nothing. The children will eat crap that he can find, the children wont get anywhere (DD has a party and a Rainbows trip and DS1 has a football match). I am not guessing, I know this will happen as he is beyond laid back about stuff like this. The kids like it for a day or so then they realise what they have missed and get grumpy.

I should add that he works away alot, long hours too and we have a DS who is autistic and hates trips to the supermarket etc.

OP posts:
LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 25/09/2015 11:07

I would make sure any activities were on the calendar and if I had time I'd get some food in. That's about it really.

Bumpsadaisie · 25/09/2015 11:07

I would organise presents for any parties and do a sort of briefing of any engagements (e.g. parties, clubs, if its a school day what needs taking on that day). The kids social calendar is my department so DH wouldn't know unless I did this

However I wouldn't organise food, cooking, clean clothes etc. as he is more than capable of sorting this out.

If my DH didn't bother taking mine to a party/trip they were expecting to go to I would be fed up with him!

tbtc20 · 25/09/2015 11:08

I think it's fair to leave details or instructions for things that I normally take care of, just to make things smooth for him. Likewise I would expect him to do the same for me.

I won't batch cook or do household stuff, but things that are important to me and for the children I will note down.

I usually make a Word doc and pin to the fridge. It helps me to ensure everything is taken care of and takes about 5 mins.

dreamingofsun · 25/09/2015 11:08

will he still be working whilst you are away? If so it would seem not unreasonable for you to help by organising things in advance. If he is not doing paid employment and spending time at home - ie equivalent of SAHM, then he should be able to cook etc.

WhoTheFIsJeff · 25/09/2015 11:09

I went away for work several times, and I didn't do anything. Why would I? He's as capable as me of looking after the dc.

motherinferior · 25/09/2015 11:11

I went away for two and a half weeks last November. I sent him the occasional text saying what a nice time I was having, if that counts.

Boredofthinkingofnewnames · 25/09/2015 11:12

When I was SAHM I did used to batch cook, just seemed fair. Now I am back at work I just let him get on with it, that also seems fair.

cariadthebaird · 25/09/2015 11:17

So many snarky comments on here! "I'm an adult that way" Shock

OP is looking for advice I believe, not derision?

cariadthebaird · 25/09/2015 11:18

Sorry quote fail, that was a reference to the poster who commented, "he's an adult so I'm lucky that way"... Unnecessary

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 25/09/2015 11:19

No preparation. I'd make sure he knew about parties etc. but he'd usually know anyway. I'd leave the present buying, shopping and cooking to him. He's as much a parent as I am. He's as much an adult as I am.

I think if I did any of that he'd laugh at me and feel enormously insulted and patronised.

Not taking the dcs to parties and events is cruel and lazy, not laid back. They must feel so disappointed :(

nowahousewife · 25/09/2015 11:19

Am currently on the other side of the world from my DH and DC's. Been away 2.5 weeks and will not be home for another week.

I believe no-one has starved and they have all made it to school/work im one piece.

Job done!

MissMarpleCat · 25/09/2015 11:19

Just let him get on with it.
Why are so many men inept?

Thurlow · 25/09/2015 11:20

Leave instructions for the parties and training, and make sure there is milk and bread in. Maybe say if there's something already in the freezer that can be defrosted for dinner. But that's about it.

If he's never, or rarely, looked after the DC on his own then he needs to see what's involved.

ovenchips · 25/09/2015 11:23

What I think I would do: if he doesn't already know, I would tell him what appts/ activities your children have on that weekend. I would stress any questions about them need to be brought up in that discussion, as once you're away you won't be fielding queries.

I certainly wouldn't feel need to do extra washing/ cooking in preparation.

It's only a long weekend. If your DH is not used to thinking/ doing such things on a Sat/ Sun, then a weekend's worth of practice on the job will be an education Smile

diddl · 25/09/2015 11:24

I wouldn't deliberately leave stuff that I could easily do myself.

In your case I'd shop OP because one of the kids hates it.

But I'd expect him to cook unless the kids had so much going on that there wouldn't be time.

diddl · 25/09/2015 11:26

"If your DH is not used to thinking/ doing such things on a Sat/ Sun,"

Well yes, he's there at weekends so he must have some idea of what needs doing!

And surely he cooks at the weekends?

ArcheryAnnie · 25/09/2015 11:32

Have a big family calendar in the kitchen with all the kids' appointments written on it, and before you go tell him to remember to check the calendar as the kids have stuff to go to.

That's it.

PuppyMonkey · 25/09/2015 11:32

I'd maybe make sure the party date was in his diary with an alert - and have a word about making sure he's sorted for DS so they don't need to go supermarket.

That's it.

They'll all survive and so will you.

Thurlow · 25/09/2015 11:33

So many snarky comments on here! "I'm an adult that way"

But it is a fair point, though.

If I was the OP, the number of responses saying any adult parent should be able to do these things themselves without any assistance would make me stop and think about the balance of tasks and jobs within the family.

It's one thing that a SAHM does the bulk of the housework and cooking and that during the week and so has a better idea what food the kids eat, or what classes they go to.

But any adult should be able to manage all this stuff on their own without any assistance.

And if they won't, or won't even think about it, then something is going wrong.

lynniep · 25/09/2015 11:35

I wouldn't do anything major unless they have a specific event, or need school clothes, because a) he can never find anything and b) he never knows what belongs to whom.
If we could get the house in any sort of order, and remove all old clothes/shoes etc this wouldn't really be an issue. However its a sH*t tip at the mo, so whilst I know what fits, he doesn't have a clue.

I would leave a bit of paper with details of anywhere important they needed to go such as appointments and parties - and in case of party I'd also leave the present and card ready. Or if library books need returning I'll leave them out for him. I do this anyway. He has a shocking memory.

Food - he is perfectly capable of feeding them.

steppemum · 25/09/2015 11:36

I have been SAHM, now work from home part time and also go away for work, sometimes for a week.

I do 2 things

  1. make sure all the details of all activites are on the calendar. Oyr rule is that if it isn't on the calendar it doesn't happen. In practice, some weekly things like Brownies don't always get written on. I make sure it is all on for when I am away.
  1. Tidy the house. This isn't to do with housework, it is more that if football books belong in a bag on ds coat hook, but I know they are kicking round in the garage, then dh isn't going to know that, so I make sure they are on the coat hook. He isn't a mind reader, so I leave stuff in the right place so dcs and dh can find it.

I wouldn't dream of leaving food.

dh works full time but from home. I work part time. So he does have less free time during the week to organise stuff and shop etc. So I would probably buy and leave presents needed for parties etc.

maras2 · 25/09/2015 11:36

My kids are now in their 30's but even when they were little it would never have crossed my mind to do preparation before going away.My husband,the children's father is a grown man and quite capable of cooking,looking after kids etc.That's what real men do without prompting.

Spartans · 25/09/2015 11:48

God I hate these threads with their sarky 'i'm an adult' and 'thats what real men do'

God forbid a couple try and make life easier for eachother

Crosbybeach · 25/09/2015 11:50

I just leave.

But, kids are his kids and grown up.

Sunshineandsilverbirch · 25/09/2015 11:54

I usually write a reminder list of anything that he isn't usually responsible for eg

remember DS has a party on Sat at 3pm, buy a £10 gift
School trip money due on Tuesday

My DH is happily a fully functioning adult, he's perfectly capable of remembering to feed the children, and make sure they have school uniform etc.

He can even do ponytails and plaits competently.

Tbh I'd find it deeply unattractive if he couldn't.

I have a dear friend who spent the whole of recent weekend away worrying about how her DH was managing with her children.

I wouldn't have minded but I know the family really well, her DH is perfectly capable, her kids are nice, pretty well behaved children. She was only away two nights.

The first day she phoned every mealtime to check that he was feeding them the correct pre-prepared, labeled meal. Her son and daughter are 8 and 10 btw. They aren't tiny babies.

He DH finally passed her a grip and told her to stop calling and enjoy the weekend.

She's a SAHM and really good at it. Unfortunately she seems to occasionally forget that just because she usually does everything that doesn't mean her DH can't if he needs to.