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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How much help do you give your DH before you go away?

117 replies

IsabellaofFrance · 25/09/2015 10:01

I am going away Fri-Mon in a few weeks.

I am a SAHM and before DH goes away he checks that we are alive and that is about it, but before I go away I make sure he has enough of everything he will need, batch cook and bake, write him a list of all the places and times the children need to be somewhere, organise presents id they have parties.

In the back of my head I think that maybe this time I should leave it, and let him sort things out himself, like he does for me. But then I think all that will happen is nothing. The children will eat crap that he can find, the children wont get anywhere (DD has a party and a Rainbows trip and DS1 has a football match). I am not guessing, I know this will happen as he is beyond laid back about stuff like this. The kids like it for a day or so then they realise what they have missed and get grumpy.

I should add that he works away alot, long hours too and we have a DS who is autistic and hates trips to the supermarket etc.

OP posts:

Notstayingup · 27/09/2015 08:55

I travel a fair bit for work and I always worry when i'm away that the house will burn down, the children will starve and the dog will run away - I know none of these things will happen but it is more my anxiety than whether DH can cope. So I do what I usually do for the week ahead - make a list of fridge vs freezer food - mark the activites on the calendar and make sure all the kits are in the right cupboard. I have come to realise I am a bit of a control freak

Only1scoop · 27/09/2015 08:55

Cross check calendar stuff just so I know he is up to date with everything school and party wise.

That's it

Batch bake ....

DylanNells · 27/09/2015 08:55

I've been away on a couple of WI trips and it is thoroughly depressing listening to how much work the women do for their husbands before they go. I can sort of understand it with the older women, it's a generational thing and a lot of them are (or were) farmers, but the younger women do it as well.

LittleLionMansMummy · 27/09/2015 08:57

I write a list of things ds needs each day at his cm/ school. I'm sure dh would cope/ work it out but I'm a bit of a worrier/ control freak. I might buy a couple of ready meals to make DH's life a bit easier when he gets in from work but beyond that very little - I work ft as he does. When I'm home from work late he makes sure ds is sorted and packs his things for the following day so we just help each other out really. I certainly wouldn't think he couldn't cope if I didn't write a list or buy ready meals - it just makes me feel better, helpful.

Moln · 27/09/2015 09:03

Generally nothing.

All activities are on the calendar as they would be anyway.

Have to admit that if it's a weekend during the school term I secretly make sure there's a uniform ready.

Busyworkingmum71 · 27/09/2015 09:18

Nothing, he's a grown adult, let him get on with it.

I would write a list of events / activities kids needed to be at, but that's it.

When I returned to work 5yrs ago, which involved a lot of midweek travel I tried to prep for the week ahead, batch cook, sort menus for every day that he could cook, sort clothes (school uniform/pe kit x 4 kids), know where everyone has to be and when etc. But the planning, washing, cooking, shopping took all weekend and was killing me. I eventually gave it up and told him it was his responsibility -- I couldn't do it. For a couple of years the kids went to school looking like they had slept in a ditch, and there were some interesting dinner choices (I came home earlier than expected one day to find them having fajitas for tea, only there wasn't any chicken, or salsa, or much lettuce in the house, so what the 5 of them were actually eating was flour tortillas, with cucumber sticks, mayo and a bit of grated cheese, we did have words about that). Dh now runs the house, does the weekly shop, plans the weekly menu, cooks, does most of the washing. Perfectly capable.

My point is that as long as you keep doing it all, he won't, why would he? You have to let go and allow him the opportunity to try. He might fuck it up a bit, but I don't suppose anyone will die or get PTSS.

Have a great weekend away btw xx

Busyworkingmum71 · 27/09/2015 09:23

I should also add that when I stopped trying to be supermum my dh was pleased. He had hated seeing me running myself into the ground but didn't know what to do to help. I think he had tried and probably got lambasted for getting it wrong or not doing it my way.

KevinAndMe · 27/09/2015 09:26

Onthe my experience though us that trying to get DH in board re HW has been a struge because he was convinced it was all easy and it must be me being lazy
The only way he actually really realised was to 'dump him in it'. Being in his own for a whole weekend made him realised it asnt easy, that, when I was asking for help at the end if the day, it's because I needed it. And that was when I had insisted he was involved in bedtimes etc since birth, on the ground he needed 1-1 timd with his children.
Sometimes, the image of the SAHM having an easy time us enduring and can only be shaked when they experienced it themselves.

Having said that, when you have a DH that is involved at weekends etc, then

explaining what he might not be aware about is simple courtesy (I'm thinking after school clubs etc)
expecting him to know the rest and cope is obvious as he us already doing half of it

HellKitty · 27/09/2015 09:26

Get them trained, unless they're very little. I used to do everything until I moved in with DP, he told me that the DCs will have to live by themselves one day so have to be prepared. Mine are teens though.

If I go away then DP does the food - takeaways or oven cooked brown stuff.
DC1 hoovers
DC2 does the laundry
DC3 feeds the cats

I've only been away for one night at a time, DP did organise me to have a girlie weekend in Holland and all I can think of is how much lager him and DC1 (17) will have and whether he'll teach him how to blow cigar smoke rings

EastMidsMummy · 27/09/2015 09:27

If I was a stay at home Mum, I wouldn't assume hy husband would be up to date with ny routine of children's activities and commitments, let alone parties, or what might constitute a suitable present. But routine tasks like cooking and shopping would be his responsibility while I was away and I wouldn't pre-arrange anything special to help him cope. He and the kids would no doubt do things differently to me. That's fine. They'll all cope. He won't kill them.

OvertiredandConfused · 27/09/2015 09:28

I've just got back from a 10 day business trip to the U.S. Before I went I did the weekly planner that I always do (who's in / out, meal plan etc) for both weeks and I did do the routine online grocery shop while I was away, relying on him to provide the list of stock items that needed to be added in.

Other than that, I left him to it. I got a fair few calls checking phone numbers, addresses for DC's friends and so on but they survived. I was slightly bemused to get a call four days in to ask where DS's blazer might be when he'd worn it twice since I left, but that was about it.

He was very pleased to see me back yesterday though!

KevinAndMe · 27/09/2015 09:33

Well you then assume that SAHM = DH doesn't do a thing in the house or re children.

Which I don't agree with. As. SAHM, I've always wanted DH to be involved with the dcs or with the running if the house. Maybe not 50/50 all the time of course. But 50% at the weekends yes.
And that means that he would know the dcs routine, where the uniforms are. He would know about bday parties. He would know about cooking and cleaning the house. The one thing he wouldn't know is after school stuff.
That's a very small part of what needs to be done though.

EastMidsMummy · 27/09/2015 09:42

Please don't get snippy, Kevin. All I'm saying is, there are specific areas of the kids' lives that a working partner doesn't get to see or need to know about if they're at work (the time of the music lesson, the kit required for ballet.) It would be crazy - and isn't infantillising -not to prepare them for this when you go away.

Caprinihahahaha · 27/09/2015 09:48

The children's activities are printed on the cupboard door in the kitchen.
Special appointments are on the calendar.
Uniforms/activity gear is in their uniforms/activity gear drawer.

It's not rocket science. The children eat better when I'm away because he's a much better cook.

AnnPerkins · 27/09/2015 09:49

I can understand leaving instructions and preparation in advance for schooldays but why wouldn't a parent who WOH Monday to Friday know what goes on in their household at the weekend? When DO they engage with their family if not then?

Marynary · 27/09/2015 09:54

I don't do anything before going away apart pointing out the family calendar as I strongly believe that DH is an adult and should be able to cook/shop/take children to things without my input. I certainly don't worry about whether he will cook them food that they don't like as they will let him know if he does that (on no uncertain terms).

anothernumberone · 27/09/2015 09:58

Dh is away next weekend I am dreading it he will do no prep. I am away in a month and I will return the favour I am not dreading that

However if it was during the week where we both working we would both do prep work because working full time and parenting 3 children alone during the working week would be a lot more difficult.

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