How much help do you give your DH before you go away?

[IsabellaofFrance]

I am going away Fri-Mon in a few weeks.

I am a SAHM and before DH goes away he checks that we are alive and that is about it, but before I go away I make sure he has enough of everything he will need, batch cook and bake, write him a list of all the places and times the children need to be somewhere, organise presents id they have parties.

In the back of my head I think that maybe this time I should leave it, and let him sort things out himself, like he does for me. But then I think all that will happen is nothing. The children will eat crap that he can find, the children wont get anywhere (DD has a party and a Rainbows trip and DS1 has a football match). I am not guessing, I know this will happen as he is beyond laid back about stuff like this. The kids like it for a day or so then they realise what they have missed and get grumpy.

I should add that he works away alot, long hours too and we have a DS who is autistic and hates trips to the supermarket etc.

I'm with steppemum.
I make sure that all the things that are stored in my head but no-where else (like the bizarre location of DS's socks, or the changed lift arrangements for DD's dancing tomorrow) are explicitly written down or sorted

I also check that the menu for the week has been torn out of the book I write EVERYTHING down in, and thus will take with me, and left on the board.

Anything that is reasonably accessible to him - e.g. events in the diary - I just expect him to do.

'The calendar' lives on my pc, so yes, I would note down any arrangements.

If there was something particularly nice already sitting in the freezer I'd probably let him know, equally if something was about to go out of date in the fridge I'd probably say 'oh, can you use that up?'

But that's pretty much it.

I'd do anything that I normally do - so I'd buy the present for the party as I wouldn't leave it last minute for me so wouldn't expect him to dash out last minute either, make sure the shopping was in as I normally do it and make sure I'd left him the party invitation/location, trip/match pick up points (regular activities he'd know about, but I do school picks ups/after school stuff so normally deal with party invitations & the likes).

No particular help whatsoever. I would asume that DH had a pretty good idea of what the dcs need and their routine from what normally happens at weekends.
I would also assume that he can cook for himself and the dcs.

Actually I would find it insulting for him that anyone could think he wasn't able to do any of those. He doesn't have particular handical that stops him from doing all those things like any other human being who lives an independant life.

I went away last weekend. I shopped because he asked me - wouldn't have occurred to me otherwise, because we usually shop at the weekend. (He wrote the list.) I sent him the kids appointments just in case he didn't already have them. It's the thinking that's key. DH thought ahead about the weekend, asked for help and I was really happy to oblige. He then did all the other normal weekend stuff like laundry, batch cooking for the week etc.

I'm a SAHM, my DH works fulltime.

Once a year I go away for a long weekend.

He asked me for a list of what needed doing. I bought enough food for them for the whole weekend.

He didn't need to clean or iron or shop. But he did have to wash and dry all the uniform, polish school shoes, and make packed lunches on the final morning.

When I came back he was hugely grateful and appreciative of what I have to do week in week out :)

I'd make sure he knew about things that aren't obvious (Rainbows, party etc) and anything that he won't be able to work out if he's not done it before (where the football team play their matches). I wouldn't do stuff like cooking because that's part of what your average adult should be able to do.

I think of it like handing over a paid job. If I was, say, a secretary, and I was handing over my job to someone new, I would expect to have to tell them when key meetings were and how to get to the Post Room. I wouldn't expect to tell them how to type.

For those who are complaining about snarky comments.

Of course there is nothing wrong with help out your partner or making something's a little bit easier, I so that myself to a certain extent however there are lots of people who infantilise their partner, assuming that they can't manage when given a chance they'd do fine.

This isn't a male/ female thing. I've seen SAHD's do it too.

I'm a SAHM, and DH often has to work weekends, so the timings and planning for things for the DCs usually falls to me as part of my 'job'. I would aim for making life easy for him, so a schedule of who needs to be where and when (It's not always full details in the family calendar, a lot goes in my phone calendar, or even more annoying for others, I have a bad habit of keeping details in my head).

I might make sure washing was done for school uniform for the week after (as not sure he'd plan ahead to do more than just what they needed that weekend), and I might arrange a food delivery the day before I left so he didn't have to go to the supermarket, but then I'd ask him what he planned to cook and order what he needs, not inform him what he'd be eating while I was gone or batch cook for him. (actually, I'd more likely do a 'basics' order of bread, milk and eggs etc then send details to him at work and remind him to add what he wanted to the order)

I would do all that too, apart from batch cook. then I'd fone several times a day n make sure they had their tea, they're up and ready for this thing, he's remembered about that thing etc but I rarely ever go anywhere so it's not often I have to do it.

if I'm away for work I make sure I've sorted out the online shopping, and cook a couple of meals for the freezer, as this is generally my responsibility. equally if he's going to be away he'll do all the ironing before he goes, as this is strictly his department.

it's not about infantilising one another, but being considerate. It can feel like a bit of a slog otherwise fitting in the chores single handedly after work.

weekend away though ? I wouldn't do anything as he's off work.

I make sure there is enough food in for everyone, I'm a SAHM so do this anyway. I'll get a steak for him as I don't like steak and he usually has one when I'm not here. I'd list any activities, parties etc.
I certainly wouldn't be batch cooking and leaving the house spotless. In fact, I usually come home to find the house spotless and the ironing all done :)

I do think there's two extremes here, there's those who treat their DPs like another child who's not capable of coping with being incharge for a few days, and seem to enjoy being the "only one who can do everything".

Then there's the other extreme who seem to think that just because they know what needs doing and when, their DP would be a fuckwit not to just know all the same stuff they do automatically, and don't get that if something isn't your 'job' day to day, you might need to be told. For couples where both work and both have times when they are 'incharge' of the DCs alone, then it's not that bigger deal to add in a couple of overnights, if a family arranges things so one parent does the bulk of childcare and running the home and the other works long hours (and most importantly, isn't in the house to see what happens at what times), then it's less likely that the other parent will "just know". (Eg, DH knows I take DC2 to a music class on Monday mornings, but I don't think he'd know what time or the location because it takes place when he's at work and has never taken her, and as it's weekly, I don't bother writing it into the family calendar every week, he's not a crap dad for not just knowing exact details of what happens when he's not here).

Dh and I have both had phases of being away for work regularly - him for half a week (incl weekend), me for a day or two midweek. I do remind dh of any plans or appointments they have or things they need for school, as I am the one who organises these things, but I certainly don't batch cook etc, neither would he for me. I only cook veggie and the rest of the family eats meat, so when I am away it is always an opportunity for dh to cook them something with meat in. I hate food shopping and he enjoys it so he will sometimes get the shopping in for me before he goes. But fundamentally we expect each other to manage :)

I would stock the fridge and leave a list of possible dinner options/lunch options for the kids as he doesn't know the variety of what they eat as he's not here every day.

I'd write the details of the activies the kids had on at the weekend. I'd leave him some beers in the fridge.
I'm a SAHM with 3dc. Middle dc also has autism. I find going to a supermarket with him very stressful. For him and for me so I'd prefer it if my partner wasn't put through that. Or my son. It's easier for me to stock up on shopping for the weekend (which I would do anyway) than leave it for him to do on his own with 3 dc on a busy weekend.
It is a pain in the arse but DP works 6 days a week for long hours so although he's a great dad, he doesn't spend an awful lot of day to day time with our dc. I'd want to make things as easy for everyone as possible.

It sounds like it's more an issue of you doing the lions share of the parenting and you feel like he expects you to sort it all even though you're away? Am I wrong?
I think it's perfectly fine to not do anything just as I think it's fine to stock the fridge. Do you feel that he's not pulling his weight? Have you discussed this with him?

I don't see it like that. I see it as training a temp to do my job. He doesn't deal with the kids in the morning so doesn't know what to do for them and what they do on their own, he is away working for long shifts and does a lot of homers after to keep us afloat and doesn't get to experience day to day life a lot. If he was to fling me under a lorry and tell me to find the oil leak I'd be fucked too

Dinausour of course there are things that he might not know. And that I'm happy to tell him (eg an after school activity on a Monday).
But the rest us something that he should be involved in on a day to day basis.
If he has a doubt, I would expect him to ask before hand.

On the other side, I'm not expecting him to do what I would do either. He is likely to pick different activities than me at the WE. He is likely to feed them in a different way. He is likely to have a slightly different routine than me. But that's ok too iyswim?

Letting him getting on with it also means he gets to do things his way wo me judging etc... Because it's not up to standard. (Eg he has given them fries 3 meals in row, have been to the beach and had two ice creams, have left too long in front of the TV)

sproke clearly it depends in how long your DH hours are etc....
If he is never back to bedtime, is working 6 days a week etc, in effect is hart there anyway, then yes 'training him' as you say makes sense.
If he is working Monday to Friday, 9 till 5, then he really should know must of the things going on.

I also think that when the children are little, then the handover needs to be more thought out. But as they are getting older, they remind/help daddy too

When I'm working I wouldn't expect to be able to take over someone else's responsibilities without a bit of outline guidance, even if I work next to them everyday so when I'm in a SAHM period I wouldn't expect DH to know who has to do what, when etc or what to buy 8 year old girls for a present. He could figure it all out eventually but why wouldn't I get that sorted just like when I'm working I wrap up stuff for anyone taking over work when I'm away.

Would be very odd with small children not to need to leave some kind of instructions if its normally my responsibility.

I would expect DH to sort food and would pretty much ignore that side of things although I'd fill up the fridge with the staples as I always do and I wouldn't deliberately let it run down.

I would do whatever laundry needed doing before I went and he'd do whatever came up in the meantime.

It would be pretty much a non event for both of us.

Activities and stuff that I know about and he doesn't, I'd make a list. I wouldn't have the kids miss a party just to prove a point to DH. But nothing food related at all. We have a sat morning food delivery which we both add to throughout the week. He does not need me to suggest to him what needs cooking, washing ironing. If I was away for a weekend he'd know he needed to get uniform in the washing machine fri night so it was out and dry by Sun so he could iron it whilst watching TV sun night. Sunday eve there is often one of us doing bath/bed with the DC whilst the other is cooking and ironing at the same time.

I wouldn't do extra cooking but wouldn't be in a relationship with a man who couldn't feed himself and his kids for a few days.
I'd write down dates and times of clubs the kids go to although if you're only away Fri to Mon and this is a big enough job that you're doing a thread on it I'd wonder if the kids have too many activities especially if they can't remind him themselves.
I probably would sort out any birthday presents in advance with the child going to the party.

Last time I went away for a weekend, I left the house empty of food and full of laundry. I forgot to do the online shopping and didn't have time to get to the laundry lazy.

He laughed at me and got on with it.

I would normally probably remind him if there was something unusual he needed to take the DC to, but if I didn't I'd expect him to remember anyway. Everything's in the diary.

I've been away for the last three weeks. Did nothing before I left. Apparently both DH and Dd are still alive.

He is, after all, a grown man, and her father. Why should I prepare stuff for him?

apart from reminding him about the appointments for the kids, i would not do anything else for him.
he has arms and legs, doesn't he?
therefore, he can do what needs doing without you doing the leg work beforehand.
leave him to it and enjoy your trip.

Best wishes for your recovery Boobz

I do the food shopping so I ask DH what he wants me to get in for him. Sometimes he will ask for things other times he says he will sort it.
If other things need doing he might not know about e.g PE kit washing, present buying etc I leave him a list and he does it.
In the same way if he goes away he will delegate the bin putting out to one of the DC and ask me if I need him to arrange any lifts for me or the DC as I don't drive.

What drives us both mad is the assumption from his side of the family that he will need help or need to spend most of the time PILs house. So patronising.