How much help do you give your DH before you go away?

[IsabellaofFrance]

I am going away Fri-Mon in a few weeks.

I am a SAHM and before DH goes away he checks that we are alive and that is about it, but before I go away I make sure he has enough of everything he will need, batch cook and bake, write him a list of all the places and times the children need to be somewhere, organise presents id they have parties.

In the back of my head I think that maybe this time I should leave it, and let him sort things out himself, like he does for me. But then I think all that will happen is nothing. The children will eat crap that he can find, the children wont get anywhere (DD has a party and a Rainbows trip and DS1 has a football match). I am not guessing, I know this will happen as he is beyond laid back about stuff like this. The kids like it for a day or so then they realise what they have missed and get grumpy.

I should add that he works away alot, long hours too and we have a DS who is autistic and hates trips to the supermarket etc.

Very interesting thread and similar set up - DH works away a lot, I'm mostly a SAHM, several children.

This morning, unusually, I was leaving before the DC. DH was doing the joint nursery/school dropoff which means two locations at different times.

I laid out bags, packed lunches, water bottles, coats and shoes and loudly told everyone where they were. Why the fuck I didn't suggest he make the children get their own like I usually do I have no idea.

I'm going away next weekend for the first time. Since it's a one-off and will also be DH's first weekend at home for ... ::counts on fingers:: ... a while, I'll make sure everything is very easy (football kit clean and in drawers, birthday party present and card wrapped and written and labelled, etc).

Further to my tuppence worth I added earlier, part of my expectations before I went away would be that my DH would be thinking ahead to what he needed to know/ do in advance.

So if, for example, he had never done school-run before, I would expect him to say "Ovenchips, can you go through the school-run with me so I've got an idea of what you normally do?" I would be really happy to help him in that way. Or if he said "I think we need some food for weekend, any chance you could do a food shop before you go, as don't want to put DS through a shopping trip?" I would say "That's a good idea, no problem".

So it's the mentally taking responsibility and thinking ahead that I would want/ expect. As presumably I would have that responsibility every weekend when I am at home in your scenario.

I haven't read Wifework (have a copy but it got lost in our chaos within first 24 hours of coming into house) but is this taking of domestic responsibility/ lack of part of the phenomenon?

I have to say it's this bit that I don't often get, which is maybe why I am making a point on here!

There is also the problem that the kids take the piss. For example can I get money for the icy? Dad give them a quid, eldest look at it and tell him mum gives us two quid so we can get xxx and x. Dad gives them another quid then has a pop at me for giving them two quid each for the icy a night when it's bollocks. I only give them 70p. Dad realises he's been had and I get home to a house of grounded miserable kids

Nothing but we both work full-time, so are used to sharing chores/tasks very equally.

I wouldn't batch cook, he would cook, but he'd probably buy pizzas and easy stuff, but that's his choice. Its not that he can't cook, he doesn't particularly enjoy it though, whereas I do, so he'd get something he can shove in the oven and he certainly wouldn't mind going to the supermarket, and our children don't mind that either, so nothing by way of cooking.

Parties and stuff like that are on a family calendar thing displayed on the cork board in the kitchen, and he'd follow that. I am terribly last minute about buying presents for these things and usually go out and get something on the day. If I was being nice I'd probably do this bit in advance for him as its easier popping out to get something on the day when there's two of you than dragging the children out to get something (though you can generally pick something up in the supermarket, so in theory he could sort it whilst doing the pizza/oven shove run)!

I'm always up to date with washing as I tend to bring things downstairs at the time rather than have a dirty washing basket so at worst everything is clean but in the laundry basket downstairs waiting to be put away, and at best its already away, so that's fine.

As a rule he does as good if not better job than me with the kids when I'm away. They are washed, fed, in the right place at the right time and with him get additional trips because he doesn't like just hanging round the house with them, so he does "boot camp" as he calls it where he makes them go on some nature trail or even just the city park. So his kitchen skills aren't as great, due to inclination rather than ability. He did make me a cracking valentines dinner from Jamie's Italian book so he is more than capable but like I say, pizza it probably is!

I should add, he does his own washing.

I keep a lot of stuff in my head because it's usually me doing the afternoon activities etc, so if those jobs were left to DH for a week they would be written down in chronological order and stuck on the fridge.
I'd leave easy-to-cook food for them, but he's more likely to take them out for a meal!

Apart from that DH has taken the DC abroad for holidays and they occasionally spend weekends without me and all have a great time. I'm sure they roll their eyes when I'm about to come home.

Yes, DH is the spoiler in our family.

I make sure shoppings done and he knows what meals I bought or will ask him what he wants before I do the shop, but other than that leave him to it. If there was something specific on then would let him know about that too. Hes not too bad but I do come back to chaos usually in terms of kitchen not properly clean, bathrooms need doing etc.

He also works away alot often every week starting sun eve back late thur or Fri and loads of work still to do (we are self employed) I do bear the greater weight in terms of stuff in the house but he can be bullied into it just a bit of a lazy git when it comes to chores etc.

Hes being good at the moment as I dropped him off at a hotel the other week for a golf day and he was a bit late and he turned round to hand me the key to his room to put his suitcase in for him and my jaw dropped, I just said what do you think I am valet as well as chauffeur. He knew it was a step to far - lol

Whoever is going away tells the other X that they don't know, while the one staying home asks about Y that they don't know. Neither babies or infantalises the other. It's a good system.

Doing nothing for him in this context is a way of respecting him, I think. You can say, do you know about the party? Or, DC still needs a present to take to her party on Tuesday. But otherwise I think it's good for everyone if you take your hands off the reins - or you'll end up default manager and it will piss you off long term.

Even if it's not ok that he might not take the kids to their events and cook meals that they like (and I really don' think that would be ok, of him!!) I feel for you, because it's hard to change things once patterns have set in.

If one child can't go to the supermarket, then that makes sense to do shopping first, but otherwise...

My main question though, is why can't you have this conversation with him and tell him your concerns? I don't want to sound harsh, but it sounds like a communication issue to me. I can't imagine being in a relationship/partnership with someone who I couldn't sit down and have a frank discussion with about tasks/chores. Make a list together, surely?

You seem to be mothering your husband as well as your children.

It wouldn't even cross my mind to batch cook if I was going away, I normally do the weekly food shopping on a Friday, I would do that as normal but if I was away on a Friday I would expect DH to do it instead.

I would expect DH to take DD's to their normal weekly activities without me needing to write down times, but I would probably remind him if they had something like a party to go to, I would only remind him verbally though and then expect him to remember, I would probably leave him to get the present.

I'm a sahm, I remind him of parties etc, things that need using up in fridge/freezer....but after that I assume he can handle it. I like cooking from scratch...he will do a combo of ready meals/takeaways/restaurants and from scratch and I am relaxed about whatever he decides.

Nothing. I rarely go away but I haven't made any special preparations when I have - and I'm a sahm too! You sound a bit controlling, as though you don't trust him to look after his own chiuldren, which is a bit insulting. Your children won't be harmed by eating crap for one weekend or by missing a birthday party or by eating a meal that isn't their favourite - but they will be harmed by you getting in the way of their dad developing his own relationship with them, taking responsibility and caring for them in his way, not yours. I would remind him of the party / write it on the calendar, then leave it up to him. They are his children just as much as yours and they deserve to be parented by their father.

I redress the balance.

When dh goes away, he batch cooks and will even get up an hour early so he can make packed lunches for the dcs before he leaves for the airport.

If I go away (rarely), I don't so much as give him a backward glance - let alone remind him of activities.

nothing. DH is just as capable as me to get the kids sorted/ cook etc. We have a family calendar planner thing all appointments go on that so all he has to do is look like I do when I'm home with the kids. Leave him to it and enjoy your time away.

I'd probably make sure the kitchen calendar was up to date with parties/events etc. Maybe also note on the calendar the days the dc need stuff as it's bloody difficult to remember sometimes nowadays - in a week, between the two of them, there are 3 different PE kits, a ukulele (sp), wellies, dance costume, book folders etc that all need to be remembered on different days and dh is a bugger for forgetting them if he's rushing in the morning.

Other than that - nothing.

Batch cooking meals, organise presents, sorting the dc's clothes - good grief. I find it astonishing that people live like this tbh, he's a man not a fucking child. If he doesn't know how to feed or clothe his children then's it time he learnt.

He doesn't need to be perfect or do things the way you would. Buy plenty easy food options and stack the fridge. Let them get on with it. As long as everyone is still breathing by the time you get home it is a success. Maybe they will have fun. (Maybe not). You can't micromanage everything x

I'm away tomorrow until Wednesday. I've washed uniforms and will leave dinner money in bags. DP appears to have bought pizza to eat all week! As long as they're alive, fed and happy when I get back (and the sitting room is hoovered) all will be well.

My mum does this for my dad, even if she's only going out for lunch she'll leave a can of soup, a roll and a pud on the side for him. I keep questioning it, my dad had a very powerful job before he retired, he is perfectly capable of sorting out his own meals. My mum's reasoning is that'd he'd get carried away and have too much. I think my mum's just a control freak.

DH is pretty good about looking after DD on his own, I don't think I'd have much to worry about if I left him with her.

Instead of dumping him in it and trying to catch him out this time (because I feel not helping him in advance us about setting him up to show him how much you do!) I think it would be better to show him and involve him in the running of the house and the kids schedules more all the time. If you do everything while he is only expected to work full time usually it's a bit shit to suddenly expect him to know how your house runs. I'm sure he can cook for everyone and manage to keep things going but he wouldn't necessarily know all the stuff you do after running the home for years so you would be setting him up to fail. And would then feel all piss with him on your return when he hasn't thought to hover and clean the loos like you would have in the week.

I tend to do a fair bit because DH gets easily stressed about meal times and that is converted to anger with himself for being 'incapable' which is then a horrible atmosphere for everyone.

What I do might vary between actually preparing a meal in advance or making sure the ingredients are there.
We have a family shared calendar which has everything on it but DH would want a verbal run through as well.

So, essentially I do what is right for all of us as a family. And for the record, I couldn't (nicely) give a stuff what anyone else does. There is no right or wrong.

I do a Big Shop, but that is because he doesnt drive and Id like to not burden him with walking back from the supermaket with a big shop and a baby in a buggy and a three year old.
Thats it

We both work FT anyways (with me doing shifts), and he only works term time, so he is oerfectly capable of doing everything the dcs need any day or night.

He shops for birthday presents, reads the big wall planner so he knows what goes on, and he sorts the food.