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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DP not to read my text messages

290 replies

Hiddenipad · 24/09/2015 09:53

We've been together four years. 1 DC. I have 2 DC with my ex husband, divorced 6 years ago.

DP has always disliked the fact that ex is still in my life to the degree of being pleasant at drop offs, texting re kids, being at school stuff, birthdays etc. We don't communicate for any reason other than the DC but DP has expressed his dislike of us texting/phoning each other. DP does have a jealous streak which he knows I won't pander to and it has got better over the last few years.

About a month ago the iPad went missing. We searched high and low and couldn't find it. The iPad is connected to my account and all texts from my phone also go to the iPad via iMessage.

I've just been doing a deep clean in our bedroom and found the iPad, fully charged under DPs side of the bed hidden inside a boot box. All the text messages from the last month have been read. He's clearly hidden the iPad and been checking on all the messages going to and from my phone since it went missing. If it had just happened to be under there it would've been dead by now and when switched on the messages would have said unread.

I thought something weird was going on as last night he went to bed early and ex text me to ask how a school open evening for DD had gone. I text back and said oh not bad, think we are too far out of catchment though. That was the end of the conversation. Ten minutes later DP comes downstairs and says 'oh have you spoken to ex about the open evening?' which was weird in itself. He was obviously trying to see if I would lie? about having text him.

AIBU to think this is way out of fucking line and rip his head off when he gets home? I've never done anything to make him think I am untrustworthy. Ex has a long term partner and we have both moved on.

WWYD?

OP posts:
RaspberryOverload · 24/09/2015 19:41

I don't think I can add anything new to what other posters have put.

But yes, this guy is the problem. All of the problem.

I'd have LTB at the breach of trust with the iPad, the stalking, etc.

But now we find that he seems to have jealousy issues fixated on OP's ex.

OP should not be changing her behaviour to fix the problem, as her behviour is not the problem.

OP should not allow her DP to "monitor" her, she has nothing to be ashamed of.

Her DP needs to take responsibility and sort himself and his problems out.

But I'm not sure this is fixable. I get the impression the behaviour is just too deeply set in the DP. And I'd always be worried I was being watched/spied on/stalked, etc, when I'd done nothing in the first place. Not a good way to live.

ImperialBlether · 24/09/2015 19:47

Why is he worried that you're going to leave? He's the one who should be leaving!

What's so ridiculous is that he's basically telling you that if you and he split up, he wants an acrimonious relationship. Everyone knows that if you keep an amicable relationship with an ex when there are children involved then life is much easier for everyone, yet he doesn't want that. He wants you to suffer, wants you to hate your ex, wants your ex to treat you badly. That's how he'd behave; he can't understand why you and the ex don't behave like that.

Original poster
Hiddenipad · 24/09/2015 21:00

Hi again

Not too much to add, but just wanted to say I am reading your replies. DP came home and immediately tried to talk about it, I said i'm not discussing it now because DC are home and i'll talk to you later. He said thats not fair, I feel like crap, then goes on to say 'oh well i'm going away for a month on Monday so at least you'll be pleased about that'. (I had no idea he was going away, not sure if he is trying to worry me or force me to talk to him?) He does sometimes go away with work so it could be feasible.

We had to go out together as one of the DC had an awards thing, he then tried another tack of apologising over and over and saying I know i'm in the wrong, i don't know whats wrong with me, I always feel like I am comparing myself to your ex (i used the line from above that why was he comparing himself to a wanker who cheated on his wife and kids?) He said I know its ridiculous, i'm just being a prick I need to sort myself out. We couldn't talk anymore after that and now he has gone out to the gym so i'm sure it will all resume when he comes in.

Thanks for all the advice, I am reading it

OP posts:
janethegirl2 · 24/09/2015 21:05

FlowersWine and then bed, so he can't have any more 'discussions' if you are asleep!

InimitableJeeves · 24/09/2015 21:14

How is it not fair that he feels like crap? It is 100% his own fault.

Jux · 24/09/2015 21:14

His behaviour this evening has been horribly manipulative. Take it as a warning.

One of the best ways of judging a relationship is how you sort out problems. This is how he does it.

Squishyeyeballs · 24/09/2015 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Hiddenipad · 24/09/2015 21:27

Just got a text from him saying 'i've said sorry, i know i'm in the wrong, I don't know what else to say, I just want us to get back to how we were and for you to love me. If not just tell me and i'll leave. I don't know what else I can say'

I text back and said 'so thats the only option, kick you out or shut up?

He said 'no but I don't know what else there is to say, i'll stop doing it and i'll stop worrying about ex, I know i'm being a prick, i know you love me, i'm really sorry.

I'm going to bed before he gets in, can't be arsed with this anymore tonight. Just checked his work email (NOT stalking I work PT as his admin assistant!) and it looks like he does have to go away on Monday so he wasn't lying about that.

OP posts:
janethegirl2 · 24/09/2015 21:33

So you also work with him, not a good idea.
Any way you can keep work and home lives completely separate?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 24/09/2015 21:34

DC are home and i'll talk to you later. He said thats not fair, I feel like crap

Oh, so this is all about his pain, which is of course much more important than yours or your DC's if they overheard?

i'm just being a prick I need to sort myself out
"When you get back next month, tell me how you plan to sort yourself out."

Would he really normally go away for a whole month with only a few days notice?

StopShoutingAtYourBrother · 24/09/2015 21:35

You might also want to check your internet history (like mumsnet) doesn't also automatically synchronise to your iPad too. You can switch it off in settings (somewhere.... I'm rubbish at these things) otherwise he may also have had free reading of all your internet surfing too.

Id be unhappy if all my messages had been read too. The fact it's been going on for a month means he's made a purposeful decision to keep track of you then lie about it. Very creepy and very controlling not to mention paranoid.

needastrongone · 24/09/2015 21:35

Well that might buy you some space at least!

'I've said sorry' doesn't really appease the fact that he took your Ipad, hid your Ipad, lied about knowing where it was, then checked your messages, it really isn't enough. He can't promise not to stop 'doing it' unless he gets help.

Take the space to think it through. If you ask him not to hassle you while he's away, then he must respect that.

Truly truly sorry this is happening.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 24/09/2015 21:36

I just want us to get back to how we were and for you to love me.

"That will take time. Give me space to think."

BiggaBanga · 24/09/2015 21:37

Hidden,
Your DP just drops the line, "I'm away for a month next Monday" like in 3 days time. I used to work away from home and always let DW know at least a week beforehand. Then tries sweet-talking you to get off the hook, then disappears off to 'the gym'. Sorry, sweetie, he's taking you for a fool. Pack his bags and whisper "Don't come back". He clearly sees his needs and his ways as far more important than yours. He's spied on you horribly, tried to trick and trap you into some fantasy admission that you're playing fast and loose with 'someone', says "he's sorry" (I don't think so). You said you wanted to talk to him later and he's bggred off to the gym! Jeez! Don't wait up, and while he's away change the locks and bundle his remaining possessions off to his place of work. He's bad news you can do without. Sorry, my earlier advice won't do.

Draylon · 24/09/2015 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BiggaBanga · 24/09/2015 21:42

While he's away, look around for another job so you've a degree of independence.

janethegirl2 · 24/09/2015 21:42

I wouldn't go as far as LTB at the moment, but it's got to be an option for the OP.
He seems to be a controlling arse!

StopShoutingAtYourBrother · 24/09/2015 21:49

So while I typed you posted an update.

He sounds very insecure and he's trying (consciously or subconsciously) to put you into a place where somehow this is your fault and not his responsibility. I'd encourage him to go away for that month. If Its only just come up now seems like an awful big coincidence designed to make you feel sorry for him. It'll give you time to work out how you feel if he does, and him to sort himself out.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 24/09/2015 21:51

His behaviour this evening doesn't bode well. He sounds sorry he got caught, rather than sorry he did it.

ouryve · 24/09/2015 22:18

So his answer to suggesting solutions is going to the gym?

Wanker.

TheDowagerCuntess · 24/09/2015 22:20

He wants to sweep it under the carpet and carry on as normal. As if that's going to work.

It's not.

And the fact that this is his way of dealing with it, says it all.

And FGS, going to the gym, and dumping a month-long work trip on you with three days notice is so disrespectful. I say this as someone whose DH travels regularly (and manages to give me notice, and turn down trips that aren't convenient for us as a family).

God, some of these men would absolutely loathe being hitched to me.

ouryve · 24/09/2015 22:25

For reference, DH gave me a couple of weeks notice when he went to Dublin for work - which meant he'd be out of the house for about 15 hours rather than his usual 9-10.

The month away seems to be an awfully convenient means of avoidance, even if it is real.

At least it gives you plenty of time to change all your passwords and security settings and get all your ducks in a row, financially, plus frame an ultimatum about seeking professional help for his fixations and boundary issues, otherwise your relationship has no wheels.

Original poster
Hiddenipad · 24/09/2015 22:47

I told him to go to the gym (as he usually does) as he was bugging me following me round like a lost puppy.

The month trip is rare but legit. Its a bit hard to explain without outing myself but he runs his own company and they sometimes get contracts on a v short notice basis which he can accept or not. This one is very good money so I understand why he didn't turn it down (think manual work, but v skilled)

OP posts:
MumsKnitter · 24/09/2015 23:00

Not that this in any way excuses his appalling behaviour, but an explanation for the paranoia he's showing could be due to steroid abuse. Quite common in men who spend a lot of time at the gym.

Bulbasaur · 24/09/2015 23:08

Wow, what a headache.

It's one thing to get insecure and asked to look at your texts, it's another entirely to stalk you like that. I'd change all your passwords to get into your devices, computers, etc... while he's away (maybe un-sync you phone and ipad).

Then I'd really think about why you're in this relationship if you don't even have the fundamental building blocks of trust down. I guess you have a month alone to get some head space and figure out if you're packing the rest of his bags for him when he gets back or not.

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