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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Playdate hell

167 replies

scortja · 23/09/2015 16:17

I am not good at playdates but recently decided it would be the best for DS to try again.. He's just gone into Year 2 so thought it might be easier and they might be better behaved..

So - just brought home DS's friend who always seemed really sweet but it all seems to be going wrong - how do I turn it around?! Should I just call him mum to pick him up - that seems unfair to her! Help!

DS's friend is pretty worldly compared to DS and has demanded Lucozade, XBox, Playstation, money, Netflix and Transformers - all a no. He's thrown toys at the window to try and break it/them (firmly told not to otherwise he'd be going home), he's been pushing and shouting and telling DS2 that he hates him..

Now he's saying he's going to tell their teacher that DS pulled his pants down - which DS has taken to heart instead of laughing off.. DS is now not talking to him and DS's friend is playing with DS2 who is 3.. I have two hours to go and i have to try and feed him ..

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 23/09/2015 17:55

Best position? Maybe off Mumsnet for now???

InimitableJeeves · 23/09/2015 18:00

I am not in step with modern parenting so am aghast at things like fridge raiding and toy breaking..

Oh, come off it. You can't seriously believe that toy breaking is in accordance with "modern parenting". It's bad behaviour by any interpretation.

I also really cannot understand what your problem is in calling his mother and about what to say to her. You just tell her that her child is breaking things and trying to break your windows, and you need him to be collected. What's so difficult about that?

kungfupannda · 23/09/2015 18:00

I probably wouldn't call for him to be picked up, but I would have hit the roof at a fairly early opportunity and the child would be under no illusions as to my opinion of his behaviour. I would also be detailing to the mother, in front of the child, exactly what had gone on.

I understand not wanting to upset another parent, given that you see them so often at the school, but I don't think it does the child any favours to pussyfoot around bad behaviour. There is an extremely badly-behaved child in DS1's Y2 class and his mother seems entirely oblivious. He has a bit of a thing for DS1, but in a very domineering, unpleasant way. His mother is constantly dropping hints about getting them together. I normally make non-committal noises, but if it carries on this year I am gearing up to tell her that I don't want to get them together outside school as he doesn't behave well towards DS1 and the school have already put measures in place to deal with the situation.

I don't think it's going to be an enjoyable conversation, and I think she will be upset, but it's got to the point where I don't feel that it's right to go on lying and let her wonder why everyone turns down invitations and he doesn't get invited anywhere. If she genuinely doesn't realise there's an issue then there's little chance of things improving, and he'll finish up isolated right through school.

coffeeisnectar · 23/09/2015 18:04

Is behaving badly now called spirited?

I've never had the call. And I've only had to threaten to send someone home once but that was a teenager who was on a sleepover with mine and it was 4am and driving me crazy keeping me awake. But she is a lovely girl and it was a threat to both girls that it would be the last one in my home if they didn't shut up.

We have kids here a lot, 9/10 year olds and teens. I've had an open house policy for my kids since they started school and I'm used to children being in and out my house, both here in the south and when we lived in Scotland. Without fail they've been well behaved polite kids but I've had the "haven't you got....?" Questions and I quite blithely say no, we have this. Eat it or don't eat it. Your choice.

ijustwannadance · 23/09/2015 18:04

Or just telling the child his behaviour won't be tollerated in your house. Kid obviously can tell you are a huge pushover and you are teaching your son that that it is ok to be pushed around.

You won't say anything to the mum at all. Just smile sweetly and say everything was fine. He won't learn.

InimitableJeeves · 23/09/2015 18:05

I'm definitely NOT cut out for playdates.. No more.

But that is only because you aren't dealing with them properly. You say you didn't call this child's mum because you used it as a threat in relation to one specific thing which he then stopped doing before carrying on with something just as bad. So why not say to him "Look, you know perfectly well that this also is not allowed. If I see one more bit of bad behaviour from you I am calling your mother and asking her to take you home."

As it stands, you are saying you will deprive your child of playdates - including invitations to his friends' houses - purely because you are not prepared to impose any sort of discipline or structure. Is that really fair to him?

Scarletforya · 23/09/2015 18:05

I do think I'm partly to blame

More than partly, you've let the visiting child away with murder! They can smell the weakness and submissiveness from you!

And 'spirited child' ? Call him what he is, a brat!

MistressMerryWeather · 23/09/2015 18:08

I remember the days when MN used to love a blow by blow playdate from hell thread. :o

I'm guessing you were posting to share the horror of it all and have a laugh rather than asking for serious suggestions OP.

I think people are taking things way too seriously.

00100001 · 23/09/2015 18:16

well, if you point blank refused to call his mother and send him home, then you should have stopped complaining.

At what point would you have actually called his mother???

When he started being rude... oh wait
When he started breaking things... oh wait
When he asked you for money???... oh wait
When he starts upending your furniture??

what else could this child actually do to make you call the parents? Hit you? Tell you to fuck off?? At what point is enough, enough?

You have reaaaaallly high tolerance levels!

He would have been sent home at the time you made your first post! that was more than enough incidents to be doing with.

Next play date, make it for an hour - not 3+

Jo4040 · 23/09/2015 18:19

Yes but you should TELL the mum what happened when she picks up now

ArendelleQueen · 23/09/2015 18:20

"I'm definitely NOT cut out for playdates.. No more."

That's not fair on your kids. You could just stand up and be assertive.

zippyswife · 23/09/2015 18:22

So. What did you say to the mum? Has the brat gone home yet?

sleeponeday · 23/09/2015 18:28

I don't think you aren't cut out for your kids having mates over! They're kids a long time, and this is just one stage. I just think you'll be able to do it when they're a bit older than this - and you were probably fine when they were smaller, and parents stayed, right? Brief window, really. Maybe arrange a soft play or a film or something in future - the devil can only make work for idle hands type thing?

I'm great with small kids. Teenagers drive me crazy. All in all, I think the latter stage is probably the best one to be able to manage deftly. So my two are screwed, aren't they. Oh well. C'est la vie. Grin

Original poster
scortja · 23/09/2015 18:30

Okay over!!!

I told her we had a very rough start, didn't we, DS's friend? He is in trouble now so I do feel a bit bad.. But was non-committal about returning the favour..

So I've let myself and my children down but at least its over and I can go back to nebulous living.. sigh..

OP posts:
00100001 · 23/09/2015 18:33

why do you feel bad???

he;s the one who was a little shit

Original poster
scortja · 23/09/2015 18:34

But if I had had proper boundaries in place then he wouldn't have misbehaved..

OP posts:
MistressMerryWeather · 23/09/2015 18:37

Oh bollocks to boundaries.

Some children are just hard work.

daftbesom · 23/09/2015 18:37

Ooooh it can be tough! Flowers for you OP.

BoskyCat · 23/09/2015 18:47

You're getting an unfair bashing here OP. Playdates can be really grim and not everyone can handle confrontation well, I can't.

My DC have some lovely friends who we have successful playdates with – but I have to say they are in the minority (obviously they're the ones we've stuck with). We've had "friends" hitting and arm-twisting, sneering at my DS's reading ability, trying to shoot me in the eye with a toy bow and arrow, trying to run around unplugging the computers, and one who brazenly sat in DS's room packing her bag with a selection of his toys! (And when challenged claimed he'd given them to her - he hadn't!)

One of the nice ones recently remarked to DS in my hearing "it must be awful to be told off by someone else's mum." I laughed and said they'd never need to with him. But when it is necessary, it is awful, really awful - I hate it.

I don't have a solution for you except never have them back.

sleeponeday · 23/09/2015 18:48

The thing is, your own kids behave fine, which is what actually matters as a parent. Your methods don't work on other people's, but they don't actually need to.

Plan activities out somewhere next time, maybe? And buy in gin for the aftermath. Grin

BarbarianMum · 23/09/2015 18:48

Round here we have a code for this sort of situation. You ring demonspawn's mum and say "I'm afraid X isn't enjoying himself very much, can you come and get him please?" Most parents are aware that this translates as "Get your devil child out of here" The few who think Jasmina can do no wrong hurry round concerned that their special snowflake is upset, so it works either way.

SmugairleRoin · 23/09/2015 18:50

I would have hit the roof with him early on, and then called home if the behaviour continued. The code mentioned above is pretty good Grin

Amazed at how tolerant you were of that behaviour op, you deserve Wine

JillBYeats · 23/09/2015 18:52

For future reference Scortja, an hour to two hours playdate is plenty - less is more/leave on a high note etc. My eldest was friends with everyone so I had some scary playdates and then plenty of angels (those that she is still friends with now - in their teens). My 6 yr old is much more selective but I would still only subject myself to more than an hour with those kids I know are going to be easy - and have a back-up plan of a walk to get ice-cream (even in the pouring rain).

sadwidow28 · 23/09/2015 18:54

sleeponeday

You said: The thing is, your own kids behave fine

Please read the thread. I think 00100001 has done a summary for us!

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 23/09/2015 19:03

Please don't be put off from letting your DS have another friend round to play (obviously it won't be that one).

DS2 had several friends round during his years at primary school and, whilst a couple were mildly annoying, none were actually naughty.

You definitely need to get the message across that this is your house and you are the adult, so you will be in charge thank you very much. Practice saying "well, you might do that in your house (they probably don't), but in this house we don't up-end the armchairs in the name of fun" etc. etc.

But for now Wine and Flowers.