To be feeling so upset and conflicted about this decision?

[Sinkingships]

Really struggling with this right now.

Things are complicated as you may know from my previous threads.

I have come to realise that I cannot live a life so far from my DC's. I knew that I would leave where I'm living right now to move closer to them after I finish my course of study but I feel like I just can't wait that long.

So now I have a decision to make.

I either leave being my friends, my home, the place I love living and my partner and transfer to a new course of study closer to them.

I stay here and commit to the whole length of the course, running the risk that I may leave part way through and lose my opportunity to get my degree and realise that I will have to leave in two years anyway.

On the face of it it almost seems like an easy decision. I desperately want to be closer to my DC's but I will be moving there with no job, no place to live, and hardly any money, plus the new city is notoriously expensive to live and travel in.

I desperately love DP and I don't want to leave him but I know he won't move with me and it wouldn't be fair of me to ask him to leave his whole life behind for me. I want him to be happy. And I know deep down that our life together isn't going to work long term while I'm so far from the DC's. It's breaking my heart just thinking about it but I don't think I can stay or I will just be putting it off for two years.

It really makes sense to stick it out and get your degree to better yourself for your sake and your childrens sake.

It will get easier. It really will.

Thank you mamma but do you mean stick in out on my original course here or move closer to them and do the alternative course? Sorry for being stupid but it wasn't quite clear from your post.

Incidentally leaving part way through your degree may not be the end of the world. Credits are transferable and other institutions will accept them towards a degree.

I did that and transferred from a brick uni to the Open University and finished part time while I was working.

Is there no way the kids can come to live with you?

How long have you lived there?

Did you move for your DP? If so, why do you think he wouldn't move for you?

Personally I think you should go. You are miserable so far away from your kids, you don't see a future with DP. I would go home, transfer and start the rest of my life.

It makes no sense at all to leave your present course. The reality is that you literally cannot move to the city near your DCs because you cannot afford a roof over your head if you go there.

How much longer have you got before you finish your course? I suggest you finish it and then talk to your DP about moving somewhere a bit nearer your DC which is also commutable for him.

Booyaka, I can't really go into details but no, they cannot come and live with me at the moment.

I've lived here about 3 years. I met DP after I moved here and we've been together about 2 yrs. We love each other very much and have talked about marriage, long term futures etc.

His child lives here, as do all his friends and family, hence why he won't move. Plus he hates big cities (as do I).

I can't bear the thought of being without him but I can't bear being without my children either.

Jeeves, the course is just starting so I have at least 2 yrs to go.

There is no where we could move that would be a decent distance between the two, it is too far. Where I am now and where I'm potentially going are at opposite ends of the country so I know he won't consider it.

If I can't afford it now It certainly won't be any more affordable in 2 yrs time. I get what you mean but there will never be a good time due to how expensive it is to live there. That will probably get worse in time, rental prices have gone up from £850 for a 2 bed to over £1000 in the three years since I left.

You should transfer to a course closer to your kids.
If you are to get them back, social services need to see that you are willing to put them first.
Moving to be closer to them is the first step towards proving to them that you are willing to change.

For me, kids trump partner.

What are your chances of getting kids back? What kind of relationship do you have with them? Are you a good influence on their lives? Would THEY be better off if you were closer? Does your current partner have anything to do with why they aren't living with you?

Too many questions for me to know what advice I'd give

I couldn't be without my dc so I understand completely where you are coming from.

If your DP will never move away from his own children and life, then there is no future because you can not be permanently deprived of yours. It will, I fear, at some point create some serious resentment and regret later in your life, and you may sacrifice your dc and your relationship with dp may not last anyway.

I agree with spartan, transfer any credits, and move back to your dc, start making a life there. It may take some time to get on your feet but with determination you can do it. A long distance relationship is also possible with dp for now if you want to. If it will become completely unaffordable in a few years then you really only have the opening now, and two years is a long time before you finish the course. Good luck!

There isn't enough information in this for people to advise - I only know your back story because your name reminds me of something.

Has the situation changed at all? If not, do you know how much you'll be able to see your children if you do move? It might not be as much as you'd like to avoid unsettling them and you can still miss them if they are next door.

Given your previous circumstances, I'd stay and complete the degree. It shows an ambition to change, as well as good discipline and it's a step towards a better life for you and your children in the future.

I have to accept that I may never get them back definite. It may be the case that because they are settled and happy everyone might feel that staying where they are is the most beneficial thing for them so I can't go into the move dreaming that one day they will live with me again because that just might not be realistic. Not that I don't want it but I have to be honest with myself and admit that to overturn the order would be extremely difficult.

What I can do though is move closer so I can be a much more regular feature in their lives. I'll be able to see them much more often being closer, people I've spoken to have warned me saying that with work/school/uni I probably won't get to see them that much anyway but I don't buy that. I can pop round for dinner in the evening/put them to bed/see them on the weekends if I live 10 miles away. I can't do that if I live 300 miles away.

People have been telling me that I am naive and that my life will be infinitely worse if I move there, that I'll be poor and miserable. Will I?

I don't know your back story at all but I am assuming from your comments about being able to pop round, put them to bed etc that they might be with your family?

If that is the case then I'd be back closer to them in a flash personally even if it meant living in more difficult circumstances. A degree can wait (or can be transferred). Your children keep growing and once that time has gone it has gone.

Fox, no current DP has not been a factor in why they are not with me at all.

The chances of me getting them back are not great if I'm honest, even if I do all the right things it still may not happen.

My relationship with the DC's is very good. We all love each other very much. DC's are distraught when I leave after a visit and youngest dc (disabled) talks to my picture in the house and asks where I am all the time. I feel they would be better off seeing me more often. If I genuinely felt that they would not be better off with me being there I would stay away as the only person I'd be hurting would be myself.

Well, I can't advise properly, as I don't know enough of your situation, but your kids will be two/three years older when you finish your course, and may not be as keen to see you/things may have changed in their lives.

I think kids should trump degree for you, at least if you want to see if you can play a part in their lives with a view to having them live with you.

How old are they?

Their childhood will pass v quickly and when they're grown-up, if you have a relationship with them, will they understand that you lived so far away for 3 years to go to uni, when you could have been seeing them more regularly? I don't know.

I do think for future threads you need to include that, as painful as I imagine that it must be to write - it's really important information, because otherwise you're going to get a deluge of posters telling you to move closer so that you're more likely to get them back.

I think you've done really well to accept that, for what it's worth. You seem to have come on leaps and bounds since your last thread.

I think you need a pros and cons list. On the pros - you'd see them more, although I'd quantify that. How often would your parents be happy you seeing them? What about SS? Would you need to agree the days in advance? Make sure you don't make a huge move and then someone put a spanner in the works.

On the cons - you give up your degree and your DP, both of which are likely keeping you going. It's expensive - how expensive? Can you afford to go there? Will you need to work more hours? How will that affect time with your children?

Is there a compromise? Could you afford to stay in a B&B/hotel/AirBnB once a month to see them lots?

There is a clear benefit in moving if you'd definitely see them more, but there's also clear disadvantages in terms of your life - and it's important that you don't give up your life when you may not get your children back, as horrid as that sounds. You need something to keep you going too, so you need to find the balance.

I don't know the back story, but going on what you've posted here...

First, I can only imagine how awful it must be to be separated from your children. I was separated from DD for various reasons for a couple of months at one point, and it was like a physical pain.

However.

How much would you realistically see them even if your were closer? Not just because of your schedule, but also because of theirs? Part of that depends on their age, and their living circumstances. No need to answer me, just think about it.

DD - at 8 - has ballet twice a week and Brownies once a week, is beginning to do homework most nights, and would rather spend the rest of her time in the evenings playing with friends. Even when much-loved big half-sis and nephew visit, after 5 minutes she'd rather go and play with friends. Weekends we usually 'do' something together, and the rest of the time is playing with friends (see a pattern?! ). Once she's in her teens spending time with Mum will be even less of a priority.

Is there a way of having more interaction with them where you are? Skype? Email? I know you don't get to hug and kiss them, but is a visiting schedule possible so you see them e.g. a weekend a month?

It sounds as if you are getting yourself back together after a difficult period, and that DP and your studies are an important part of that. It would be a shame to throw away the positives in your current situation for an uncertain future, and I would guess that if things fall apart again for you that may also mean seeing less of DCs, even if you live nearby.

Atticus yes they are. I've already ensured that I can transfer my degree and student finance so that isn't a problem.

At the moment the thing that is really worrying me is the money/housing situation. Even to rent a room in a shared house is £550+ and I will be moving there with no job and virtually no savings. I can use the first instalment of my student loan money (grant) to pay for a place but if I don't get a decent job within a month I am screwed as I'll have no money and no way to pay my rent. I will be paying about £50 a week to travel to uni.

I'll only be able to work part time in minimum wage jobs so I doubt I will be able to afford to support myself and to my knowledge as a single person I won't be eligible for any benefits to help me.

I personally would be moving heaven and earth to be nearer to them. Your partner is never going to move with you, ever, so if you stay with him you will never be near your DC.

If the DC can't live with you, you only need a small flat. Is there any way you can transfer your course to somewhere near your DC or look into getting a job near them and then starting the course when you are settled.

Sorry x posted.

Could you put off starting your course for a year, and get a fulltime job, get settled and then start uni.

The DC's are 9 & 8 so not babies anymore although youngest dc acts much younger due to his disability.

The last time I saw them eldest dc brought up the subject of moving back and I told him it would be after I'd finished uni. He said it was too long. I don't want him to ever feel like I've put anything before him.

We do see each other on Skype but it's very difficult to communicate with youngest dc due to his disability.

The job I have here means I have to work on the weekends (due to scheduling conflict with uni) so the only time I can see them is in the school holidays unfortuntely.

I have looked into deferring the course for a year but because my offer was made late I can't defer so it's now I have to withdraw completely. Then I would also have to give back my student loan (which I haven't spent yet), which would mean I couldn't afford to move.

Bakeoff, even a small flat in the new city would be £700+ a month. At the moment I'm living somewhere that is £400 a month and I share the costs with DP. Hence why I'm looking at a room and it's more affordable but not by much. My living costs would be at least double if not triple and I won't have a job if I move.

Why did you move so far away? Not judging, just trying to understand