To be feeling so upset and conflicted about this decision?

[Sinkingships]

Really struggling with this right now.

Things are complicated as you may know from my previous threads.

I have come to realise that I cannot live a life so far from my DC's. I knew that I would leave where I'm living right now to move closer to them after I finish my course of study but I feel like I just can't wait that long.

So now I have a decision to make.

I either leave being my friends, my home, the place I love living and my partner and transfer to a new course of study closer to them.

I stay here and commit to the whole length of the course, running the risk that I may leave part way through and lose my opportunity to get my degree and realise that I will have to leave in two years anyway.

On the face of it it almost seems like an easy decision. I desperately want to be closer to my DC's but I will be moving there with no job, no place to live, and hardly any money, plus the new city is notoriously expensive to live and travel in.

I desperately love DP and I don't want to leave him but I know he won't move with me and it wouldn't be fair of me to ask him to leave his whole life behind for me. I want him to be happy. And I know deep down that our life together isn't going to work long term while I'm so far from the DC's. It's breaking my heart just thinking about it but I don't think I can stay or I will just be putting it off for two years.

Well money sounds to be a big factor! Assuming you pay child maintenence? Can't see it being financially viable without your dp

it does look like you can't afford it. When you've done your degree would you be able to afford to move, if you got a job.

why do you have to work the weekend job?

Its incredibly difficult, I appreciate that but if you are at university then clearly you are capable of studying and being self motivated. At the moment however it doesn't seem to me that you can afford to be at university as a full time student. TBH being a full time student at university is as much about the life experience as anything else and you clearly have the life experience already. As a mature student it's therefore all about the study and you can do that via the OU.

If you stay at university you have to work at the weekends which means you can't see your children other than during school holidays - unacceptable scenario in my opinion.

So you have four options

1. move closer to them and go to university - sounds like it might be unaffordable

1. move closer to them and work full time whilst studying via the open university (a good option so that you see them much more)

1. stay where you are but study via open university whilst working full time during the week so that you can see your DCs every weekend (also a good option)

1. stay at university and see your children during holidays only - Not working for you and the worst of all worlds.

2 and 3 need further consideration. In all likelihood 3 is the best option for you.

Once you get your uni timetable you will probably have fixed long periods when you could work during the week.

Spartans, I didn't move away, the DC's were moved to live with family after the SS ruling.

Jobs in this area are very hard to find. It's an area of high unemployment and virtually no jobs in the field I want to go into after my degree. Better chances of employment in the new city but obviously more people so more competitive.

OU isn't an option unfortunately. The course I'm doing has a large practical element with lots of specialist equipment and tbh I think I would find it too difficult if I didn't have the more intensive support and help from the tutors that you get actually attending a uni.

I find it hard to understand why, after having your children removed, you'd not have wanted to stay or move as close as possible to them in the first place?

I'm trying to word this tactfully, your OP is full of "I want" "I cant wait" etc and all about you rather than the children. Your update says you don't want your child to think you put anything before him but he'll already think that because you already have.

I think you need to be focusing on what's best for your children rather than what you would like or what you need.

The new timetable is such that I'd have the weekends and two days in the week free, so potentially 4 days to work. My current timetable is the same but the job I do I can only do at the weekends.

I don't know your back story. I don't know why you lost your dc or why you seem fairly certain that you won't have them back.

But if you do want them back, don't you have to show that you're making an effort to at least be in close proximity to them?

Right now, it doesn't sound financially viable but your talk of your dp concerns me because he's one of the things keeping you where you are.

Except he won't leave! So after two years, what then? He still won't leave X, your dc will be in Y. What will you do??

I would not move closer to the children. I dont know what circumstances led to the children being removed but the best thing I think you can do for them now is to allow them to live with the family the are with, keep in contact but dont confuse them by living just round the corner. I think the best thing for you to do is complete the course, build a secure life for yourself and and just try to support them from the background.

I may be totally wrong and I cant imagine not seeing my children but it sounds like your circumstances are so complicated it may be for the best if you focus on your own life first before your kids.

Really sorry to say this but if jobs in the field you want to go into are extremely hard to come by then it sounds to me like you've made a very poor decision regarding your degree.

A degree really isn't everything. Your children should be everything. I know it sounds really harsh but IMO you reassess and find a way to see them at least every weekend. If that means changing your degree so that you can do something via the OU then that's what you do.

Ms, obviously I did want to but it wasn't possible to move at the time.

How exactly have I already put 'something' before the DC's? You don't know the circumstances so you really aren't able to make that judgement call.

Now it is possible and I am trying to find a way to move closer. If you have any advise or helpful suggestions as to how I can acheive this please feel free to offer it. If, however, you are going to berate me for things outside of my control that isn't particularly helpful.

I have already said that I think it would be best for my children if I were closer. My family feel the same way. I haven't asked my dc but if I did I'm 100% sure they would prefer it too. I could give you many many examples of why I think this but I won't on here.

Well it looks like you will hopefully, be able to find a job in the new city, once you've got your degree.

So, as you can't afford to move at the moment it does look like the best option would be to finish your course, then get a job near your DC.

Why don't you give it one more year currently where you are. In that one year, you can save like crazy, start making plans about where you would live and how to afford it, you can look at transferring credits, etc.

I think moving right now would be a very rash decision, if you can't cope with the expenses and living in that city that would create more complications to your situation.

You need to have a plan to work towards, up and leaving into so much uncertainty would just set you back.

Atticus, the jobs are only hard to come by where I am right now. In the new city a job in my chosen field is much more viable. Jobs of any description where I am right now are hard to find!

In reality even if you take the degree out of the equation completely it would still be difficult for me to live and work in the new city and afford a place of my own on a nmw job as that is all I would get and it is so expensive there. But that is the only way I could see my DC's more regularly so I want to try.

Walter, this is exactly the problem. DP knows I want to move. So the question really is not do I leave him to be closer to the DC's but when do I leave. I can't imagine having a relationship with him knowing that it will all end in two years, that every happy moment we have together will eventually be a painful memory, that every month we spend together is one step closer to us breaking up. I want him to be happy and I don't think it's fair to waste another 2 years of his life if we both know it isn't going to last. This is why its so painful for me.

I know enough about the circumstances from your other threads to form a general opinion about your situation. If your children were removed a couple of years ago and you've had time to build a relationship with a man and sign up for a degree, you'd have had time to do more for your children like working to save to move near them. It's about priorities. You've put yourself before them. I think you know that really though.

Maybe I'm biased because I can't personally imagine setting myself up with a new little life and making sure I had a boyfriend etc while my children were miles away. They would be my main concern so I do find it hard to understand your priorities.

It's all in your control and unless you've been locked away somewhere, it's always been possible to move. You could have worked a minimum wage job and shared a house to live near them. And put studying on the back burner for a while for them. You could have out them first.

Finish the course. Two years will fly by and then you're in a much better position to get a good job, move back to where your children are and you'll have the finances to create a great life for yourself and them.

Patience is the key here, hard though that is at the moment. And playing the long game. Finish what you've started and plan for the time when you can move back.

MsT I really don't think your posts are helping the OP.

You have no idea of her circumstances two years ago, so how you can say she should have done "x, y and z" is beyond me.

Oh sinking, I really feel for you, it sounds miserable.

For what it's worth, it sounds pretty clear to me but I appreciate it's far from simple. If you know your children are desperate to spend more time with you, cry when you leave and talk to your photo, then surely you need to move heaven and earth to be closer to them? As you say, they're not babies any more and your eldest is telling you what he wants, which is to see more of you and be closer. He's said two years is too long and in the eyes of a 9 year old, two years is an eternity.

If you know you'll be moving in two years, why wait? It'll potentially damage the relationship with your children and you? Give kids the best reasons in the world, and they won't understand, they simply see that you're not there.

As for your DP, well, what you're asking him to do in moving is to leave HIS children behind, so he'd be in the same position as you are now. Is there no compromise? How often does he see his children? If it's every other weekend, that could continue even if he lived further away, but it would make school sports days and ad hoc stuff much more tricky.

If you both hate big cities, is there a village or town on the outskirts that would be cheaper and less busy?

Is there no way you could live with your parents and the children, is that a definite no go?

Whatever you decide Sinking, I wish you all the love and luck in the world.

Intra, I think any situation where I could be closer to them and see them more often would be beneficial to them. I don't think living in the same house as them would be beneficial necessarily as I think that would be too confusing for them. I'm sure my family feel the same way. If I did move I would have to talk to ds about the situation and how things had changed in a way that was age appropriate and made sense to him but I cant do that in advance or I might get his hopes up if it didn't happen.

SS have no limits on my contact. The only thing they have stated is that my family have the ultimate say as to whether or not something can happen and I have discussed everything with them and they are very supportive.

Their dad lives miles and miles away so not in the same area as the DC's. His contact with them is sporadic at best and I don't envisage this changing in the future. Tbh he does not factor into my decision one way or another at all, he has his life and I have mine. The only thing I would like to be able to do is to support ds when he finds out about the new baby as he may be upset and have questions but I can do that over the phone if need be.

I'd complete the course where you currently are, and use these two years to improve yourself and your options. Save every penny, make yourself the strongest candidate you can be to gain employment in the city you'd be going to. I think it could be more damaging if you move there now on a whim with no real plan or contingency, the children adapt to seeing you regularly and then in a few months time when you become evicted or drop out of your course you end up moving away and leaving them again. The truth is, these children have had a lot of upheaval and disruption in their short lives, you need to work on yourself, becoming a stable constant in their life, even if that is from a distance for the time being.

I will say that my own mother left me when I was 3 and I never had a close relationship with her. HOWEVER she never once showed she cared about me, never made an effort to spend much time with me and was an extremely selfish person. I can tell by your posts that you desperately want to be with your DC now and you're planning to do that.

Just make sure your DC know how much you love them , that you are planning to be near them as soon as you can afford it and spend as many holidays with them as possible in the mean time.

I think you need to recognise that you can't predict how things will have changed in 2 years. Your DC may have settled completely in their new home, they may not. They may still want to see more of you, they may not. You simply don't know.

Do you really only see them at school holidays - what, 4 times a year?

MrsT your posts are unfair, just because you would have done something don't think everyone else should.

I agree with Pp about being patient. You will be a much better parent when you have completed your degree, have a job and be able to offer them stability.
Right now moving there, struggling to make ends meet, not having a place to have your kids over, and then maybe having to leave again is just too much of disruptions
Have a long term plan and work towards that. It's going to take time, patience and lots of sacrifice but being able to be consistently in your kids life is what you need to aim for. Good luck x

MsT I think you've read just enough to form an opinion but not enough to actually be informed of the facts. You have made assumptions that are not true and are clouding your responses to me. For example, the children did not move 2 years ago, they moved 6 months ago. I was with DP when they left and had been for 18 prior to that so he was not a new bf I got as soon as they were gone. I appriciate your input but I cannot make any sense of what you are advising if it is based on incorrect assumptions.

Dreaming, you've hit the nail on the head. If I know I'm going to go, why stay and take the risk that in 2 years time the DC's might not want to know me? As you said I can give all the reasons in the world, even good logical reasons but it still won't matter to a 9yr old who misses his mum.

I realise that I would be putting DP in exactly the same position regarding his child and family except I'd be asking him to move to a place where it's very likely we would be extremely poor and struggling to survive. I would t be fair of him to ask him to do that.

Unfortunately my family don't have to space to accomodate me for anything other than a very tempory stay. As we've discussed it may not be the best thing for them to have me living in the house anyway as it may be too confusing for them.