To be feeling so upset and conflicted about this decision?

[Sinkingships]

Really struggling with this right now.

Things are complicated as you may know from my previous threads.

I have come to realise that I cannot live a life so far from my DC's. I knew that I would leave where I'm living right now to move closer to them after I finish my course of study but I feel like I just can't wait that long.

So now I have a decision to make.

I either leave being my friends, my home, the place I love living and my partner and transfer to a new course of study closer to them.

I stay here and commit to the whole length of the course, running the risk that I may leave part way through and lose my opportunity to get my degree and realise that I will have to leave in two years anyway.

On the face of it it almost seems like an easy decision. I desperately want to be closer to my DC's but I will be moving there with no job, no place to live, and hardly any money, plus the new city is notoriously expensive to live and travel in.

I desperately love DP and I don't want to leave him but I know he won't move with me and it wouldn't be fair of me to ask him to leave his whole life behind for me. I want him to be happy. And I know deep down that our life together isn't going to work long term while I'm so far from the DC's. It's breaking my heart just thinking about it but I don't think I can stay or I will just be putting it off for two years.

Are you sure that if you were near you could just pop round and put the children to bed? Mightn't your parents object to their routine being disrupted?

I wouldn't make decisions based on your 9 year old saying 2 years is too long for you to stay where you are. Left to themselves, our children would probably say they would like if neither parent went out to work, but that doesn't mean we are all going to give up work.

Long shot - is there any chance at all that your parents might move nearer you? Or can you move to a part time or Open University course so that you have more time to visit your dc?

For example, the children did not move 2 years ago, they moved 6 months ago. I was with DP when they left and had been for 18 prior to that so he was not a new bf I got as soon as they were gone.

I'm confused. On other threads you stated they were removed because of your Ex. How can that be, if you were with your DP for 18 months before that?

I just don't think pandering to someone who hasn't bothered with her children beyond seeing them every so often and now suddenly wants to move near them because SHE can't cope and SHE cannot live so far from them rather than thinking about what's best for the children is a particularly good way of responding. It might make OP feel better but that's about it. Tbh though, that's why this type of thread is posted. To get list all the excuses and reasons they haven't been able to bother, and get reassurances and platitudes that they are a good parent after all so they can feel better about putting themselves first and plod along a bit longer before the next reassurance they need.

If you move now, you need to stay in this city for a minimum of 8 years. How are you planning to finance it? I absolutely believe turning up and leaving any time before your youngest is 16 will be taken as hugely damaging for them.

I truly do not understand how people can castigate you for going to Uni and "putting yourself first". That is so stupid it makes me want to weep. Of course in going back one's life in order, education for a good job is crucial! What do you want OP to do? Stay unemployable with no future perspectives, or gain a degree to have later a good job to take care of her children?
Good luck OP.

Will you staying with your dp have implications on the relationship that he has with his child? Have ss had to become involved with his child due to your presence?

Like a pp, I read your posts to mean that the children were removed two years ago, but now I see it was actually 6 months ago. In that case yes, you should move closer, of course you should! However you need to wait until you have a plan and can save some money. It would be madness to move there on a whim and end up having to move away again. Why do you have to live right in the expensive city? Can you not live further away but travel to see the dc weekly or whatever? You clearly can not afford to live in the city.

If the job is a job that you can only ever do in a big city then you'd already made your decision when you signed up to the course and surely your partner can see that.

I would really urge you to consider your career prospects very very carefully. Is there really going to be a realistic chance of a job at the end of it? You could find that you can't even get the job you want in your parents' home city.

The harsh reality is that a job is a job. It might be something you think you'd enjoy or you think would turn your life around but whilst a fulfilling career is a "nice to have" its a means to an end for most people and that end is money. Money so that you can support your family and spend as much quality time with them as possible. This job you have set your heart on is taking you away from your family for years and years, not bringing you closer to them.

Your children will be approaching their teenage years by the time you've finished this degree and even then you have absolutely no guarantee that you'll be able to immediately walk into the job you hope for and that will then lead to more delay.

Change your degree course to something more generic that can be done via OU (whilst shelf stacking in Morrisons if need be) and build a stable relationship with your partner, see your children every weekend. It's the only sensible choice if your children are your priority.

OP you are being really unfair here. You're expecting advice (I don't think you really want any as you seem very set moving isn't possible) yet you haven't offered any details into what is a confusing and unusual situations.

My thoughts would be:

1. Why would you have go get a min wage job in new City? Why couldn't you temp- admin, reception, etc. not min wage, prospects to move forward and more interesting. Very few people HAVE to get a min wage job- people who have no qualifications or practical skills. Doing a degree indicates you are not in that situation.
2. Your degree sounds useless. You're getting into debt, being away from DCs and not able to work and start a career because of it. Why? A degree really isn't worth much in most jobs. If it is, there is almost always the option to do it part time or on the job.

3 DCs city doesn't sound particularly expensive although your current city sounds very cheap. £550 a month for a shared house is perfectly doable. You just have to be prepared to work hard. 4 personally yes, I would want to be near DCs and work with my family to show I deserve access. But who knows whether you should do this, you won't explain the circumstances

Maud, it's very long and complicated and I really can't go into it here. All I will say is that DP was 100% not a factor. I visit the DC's every time I can so every half term, every holiday etc but I can't make the trio every weekend due to work.

MsT, with all due respect I just can't engage with you any more as I think your judgements and prejudices are preventing you from being able to really listen to what I have to say.

Poppy, if in the unfortunate event things did go completely pear shaped and I couldn't afford to stay at uni, I would not move away again. I would just have to give up uni and get a job. The city I'd be moving to is where I lived all my life prior to my move, where I grew up, where all my family live and where my DC's were born and spent their early years. The move to where I currently live was an experiment that went spectacularly wrong. It is massively more affordable to live here, one of the reasons it seemed like a good idea at the time but this is what makes moving back so difficult as I just don't know how I'm going to be able to afford to live in the city.

Miss, DP's relationship with his child is not affected by me at all. We have had him stay overnight and it is not an issue. All of th surrounding areas to the city are also extremely expensive, my family lives in one of them (which is where I'm looking to move).

Atticus, although jobs in the exact field can be less easy to come by thand degree will give me a lot of transferable skills that open up a much larger field of employment to me. Unfortunaely none of those jobs are really in an abundance in rural areas such as where I currently live.

Gah! Lost a really long message. Checking this posts before writing it again...

On other threads you stated they were removed because of your Ex. How can that be, if you were with your DP for 18 months before that?

Maud, it's very long and complicated and I really can't go into it here. All I will say is that DP was 100% not a factor. I visit the DC's every time I can so every half term, every holiday etc but I can't make the trio every weekend due to work.

If you're not being honest about your situation, you can't expect posters to give you helpful advice. You had another recent thread bemoaning that your Ex wasn't making enough of an effort to see your DC - also confusing, given that you've stated that he was the reason your DC were removed (18 months after your relationship ended). I suspect the truth is that you and your actions were central to your DC being removed from you, and until you face up to that, you can't begin to resolve this situation. Posting about barriers of new DP/uni/living costs/jobs is mere avoidance.

No lush, I am saying the exact opposite. I am saying that I want to move even though a lot of the evidence points to it being financially and practically unobtainable because I want to be with my children that badly.

I have no experience in any of the areas you've described. My entire work history is either retail or catering work, both of which typically pay nmw. Obviously if I could I'd much rather get a job that pays more but I think an employer offering those types of job would be unlikely to hire me with no experience.

The degree I want to do isn't useless but you cannot train on the job.

£550 was the very minimum I could find, £650-£700 was not unusual. That's almost a monthly wage for someone working full time on nmw. I'm trying to find a way, I really am.

You're not conflicted at all. I think you actually want everyone to say stay at uni so that you feel better about it.

It's the wrong choice. You should ditch the university degree. Do an OU course if you have you heart set on a degree. Get a normal boring, average paid weekday job and see your children every weekend.

Sorry, I know it's not what you want to hear but your responses make it very clear that you will put up every argument against giving up your university course.

Right.

You're living in the wrong place, away from your DC, away from your family.

I think you need to move, I think you are about to take a step into a big commitment (of time and financial ties) which you haven't considered well enough.

If you applied late for this course, and your DC were only removed 6 months ago, then it sounds as if you haven't been acting with great judgement and now you are picking yourself back up and realising that your priorities need to be different.

If I were you, I would back away from this degree, give the student loan back, talk to family and serif anyone could suggest somewhere to lodge in the city your DC live in, and look for a job, full-time, even if it is NMW. Any job opens up new possibilities if you work hard, opportunities to improve your lot. If you cannot have the DC to live with you then at present all you need is a roof over your head that is safe, secure and cheap, while you get yourself established into a stable routine that will not be jeopardised for your DC. I'm sure as an adult you can put up with some temporary discomfort as you only have yourself to worry bout. Tax credits are available too, i fyou're working, as a top up.

This degree may open up great opportunities for you, but the timing STINKS. Postpone it. Look into other options for bettering your lot in the city where your DC are.

You never know what might happen with your DP, although you can suspect that it will mean the end of things. But you can guarantee that your DC will continue to grow up and away from you.

All this is based on you being in a stable place, not likely to suffer a recurrence of whatever happened for your DC to be removed in the first place, and that your family with whom the DC live are supportive of you.

It will be expensive and hard, no doubt. But not impossible.

Ok, Maud, I appriciated what you are saying (even though it's wrong) but how exactly would accepting that it was 100% my fault (if it was, which is wasn't) even help in this situation? That isn't exaclty going to help me deal with the current practical difficulties with moving back to be near them is it?

Im sure if you are the poster I am thinking of you putting your needs before your children is exactly the reason they were removed. I have sympathy for you in this situation and its awful but looking as an outsider it still appears that you are very focused on YOUR needs and doing what you want. If theres any chance of the children coming back into your care I feel you would be better off abandoning the course and forging strong links and regaining the childrens trust. Yes getting a degree and enabling yourself to get a good job in the future is of course beneficial but only when you have a stable and trusting relationship with the kids in the first place.

I don't think you really want advice on how to move back closer to your DC. You want everyone to support you in staying exactly as you are - to salve your conscience.

Atticus I don't think you are reading my posts correctly. This isn't a question of whether I do the course or not but whether I do it here or closer to my children. You seem to be trying to give me answers to a question I haven't asked.

Squirrels, I initially applied for the course when the DC's were still with me so at that point it wasn't an issue. I only got offered the new course late as it was through clearing, the original application had already gone through by the time they left so I couldn't change it.

I have a feeling I also remember who you are. Weren't SS unhappy with you leaving your children to go to uni because your partners care wasn't good enough?

What on earth can this degree be to be so important? Seriously? Makes no sense. I have a degree and post grad quals and hire people with the same for my team. They are far more advanced than admin etc but I still can't think of a job that you can get with a degree but with so little work experience you can't even get a data entry role now. Oh and the degree must be done full time. If you are the previously mentioned poster you seem utterly obsessed with this degree. It's not as big a deal as you think

But, IIRC you asked on here several times should you do the course or defer. The SW also iirc advised you it wouldnt be the best course of action yet you seemed determined to go ahead anyway as it suited you. Im not sure what you want from people tbh

Sharon, I do have a stable and trusting relationship with the children already. You have literally no idea why they were removed so to say that is quite accusatory and ignorant.

As I have already stated there is a very good chance they won't return to my care anyway, I'm not doing all this to maximise my chances at getting them back (although that would obviously be a bonus), I'm doing it to maintain as good a relationship as I can with my DC's.

Maud, how can you say that when I am asking the exact opposite? I am asking for advise on how I can move to be closer to them? Isn't that the exact opposite thing from staying where I am?